To make mistakes and to forgive.
Teachers, when I was in school , threatened “this will go on your permanent record” and we all rolled our eyes. “Yeah right, on microfiche.”
Things have changed. The digital signature- unless so old the data becomes corrupted- is lasting. And I think we’ve become less forgiving as a culture and that’s not helping us.
I found out, through some pretty hard knocks, how frustrating it is that we are now no longer given room to make mistakes, learn and progress. We are always that person who didn’t do something correctly because they hadn’t done it ever.
It’s unreasonable.
If we fuck up interpersonally we need to be given room to improve. But now once “the asshole” always the asshole – even if you never were one.
I mean sure, exes always carried grudges. But that’s exes for you. Now they cyber stalk the ones they are bitter about and if it ended messily continue to shit on them.
My ex spouse- well there are complicated feelings there. He became an asshole yet I protected his identity in my book based on the events of our relationship.
He’ll always be the asshole I used to love. To me, but potentially me alone.
I genuinely hope he learns from his mistakes and moves on. Grows and doesn’t repeat them. That’s for him and his friends to worry over. I don’t have to change my personal perspective on him to hope and give him room to change his own perspective on himself.
Continuing to avoid an abusive ex is pretty normal. But complaints with ex friends, fre-enemies, the exes of others might need to be a little looser than those we hold for former romantic partners.
Be forgiving.
It’s hard.
Particularly when someone is annoyed or annoying or behaving with both in mind.
Sometimes we have to ask if a comment is productive- theirs or you’res.
Omg that can be hard.
Baiting is used because it works.
Academically, in work, and general life. We need to make mistakes to learn. And we need to let the past go.
That’s hard too.
No one is asking you to like your ex. But maybe only trash them with a pseudonym if you really can’t resist. And everyone else, reserve judgement unless the issue is heinous.
I am asking that the general populace forgive the general populace about most mistakes – if you even get upset in the first place.
If we are forgiven for being wrong maybe it will be easier to admit!
Being more patient and understanding is certainly a good goal to have. But some roll their eyes at the words. Or they don’t see why.
Compassion is important. But unless it’s deeply spiritual it doesn’t bring happiness really, it just prevents abject misery with oneself.
Which is important. But can weigh on your heart with grief still. The regular version. I’m not at liberty to describe the kind God has for mankind. And that he encourages us to share in
But to forgive.
Now that brings lightness.
Apologies can help you too. But nothing is as likely to unshackle your soul as to forgive.
That’s also hard sometimes.
And you may not want to while you need your frustration to convince you to form an exit strategy.
But then forgive those that wronged you.
Wait to turn the other cheek until it can’t be slapped. That’s where I disagree with traditional philosophy as well. But don’t add fuel to the situation either!
Simply not escalating is important. It can be difficult. God sometimes you just want to snap back with the hope to silence the subject.
But it doesn’t always work.
Escape, then let it go.
Hard things are still worth doing. Or trying to do, just trying is a greater success than not at all.
Forgive them. Do not hold on to a grudge. It will weigh you down. It is grief in perpetuity and the only way to ever come to terms with soured relationships and crap from strangers is to forgive them.
I found it easier to do if I understood why someone behaved a certain way. But my lesson has been that’s not always my business. I just have to trust there’s a reason.
Get away or settle down a situation. And forgive.
Now complaints are I haven’t just taken abuse like a sponge that doesn’t even have the privacy and safety at home to “wring it out”.
No I haven’t. I’m not suggesting you do. Some situations need to change and some of those take shaking things up.
It’s true of politics too.
And sometimes we’re just not ready.
Just when you can.
What about the freedom to make mistakes and learn from them. Particularly with an actual permanent record?
We need a cultural shift. To forgive is a personal process. To have patience for the learning curve (academically and outside) is something we need to do together.
But I have to get back to you with ideas on how to get everyone to let things go. Or not even be bothered in the first place. Just that you should have a right to fail forward like all successful individuals.
Does everyone forget Apple kicked out Steve Jobs at first? Oops. They nearly bombed out of existence.
They got him back and complaints about being demanding started. But he pulled that company out of the ground and into the mainstream.
Can you imagine what would have happened if he wasn’t willing to give them another shot?
He might have (secretly) at one point felt he failed because he lost his position initially. But he learnt. Recovered and became one of the world’s most successful individuals in history.
Give yourself room to fail forward. Make mistakes. Learn from them. Do something else or get better at it. And please give everyone the same freedom to do so.
And if you need to see it as forgiveness? Fine. If it’s not simply being unbothered in the first place, forgive them.
Both will lighten your heart.
Steady On
If you’ve been targeted by compassion resistant bullying, keep yourself focused on the present. Hold on tightly to who you are. The good you want to be in the world.
It hurts to have been so welcomed and trusted and now rejected based on lies no one will tell us. Because they want to believe them and assume we know.
It hurts
And we may become tempted to be vicious
We may indeed become vicious and hate what we become. Lose ourselves . Sink to depression and mental illness.
And some antipsychotics will cause psychosis – if the voices were real and you did not have a mental illness. And some people are becoming abusive enough to pretend their harassment is psychiatric.
What you might really soon need is treatment for anxiety and PTSD
But stigma is a powerful tool of hate and easy to manipulate. Induce an illness and you generate excuses.
Meanwhile if your loved one is sinking and you find yourself fighting hardened hearts. It can sometimes be relieving to everyone to do so – but the energy is spent and nothing changes but the target who continues to suffer.
Reach for the victim. Sure them up. Reinforce their self esteem. Help them hold fast as others double down, unwilling to admit wrong.
We are in for the fight of the millennium. We need to take care of those of us who just wanted to love everyone and take care of their souls.
And if you are a target. Remember it’s because you are innately so good and loved that they want to shred your reputation and turn your heart into something you don’t want.
Don’t let them win.
It’s hard. God it’s hard. But I’m here. With my forgiving nature that likes to forget wrongs. I’m here.
Hold on to each other. Believe in those who say they want to bring hope.
And targets please find a way to unite – though if you come to notice you will likely find yourself in a severely hacked bubble.
It’s wrong, I understand. What has happened in you ignites righteous fury.
But take it from an old dragon, that’s not getting us anywhere.
Feel your fire. Do not be ashamed of it. But do not let it ignite your world. Find an outlet. Find loud music, wild dancing, martial arts, weightlifting, swimming, running. And even a good long hike in the woods if still safe.
Burn your fury as calories in the body.
It’s hard.
God it’s hard
You will sometimes lash out, and those cold hearted tormentors will laugh and say, “see” after their reactive abuse makes you feel ruined.
Forgive yourself and don’t try to persuade them. Their opinion doesn’t matter. Holding on does.
Forgive yourself.
Repeat trying to forgive yourself till you do it.
Then welcome those who change their minds or make the decision to believe you and come to the light.
Forgive others too. Because even compassion doesn’t lighten the heart as much as forgiveness.
Hard as that can be.
Part of my whole idea of facilitating communication is to increase patience for one another through understanding.
Forgive those who don’t understand. Convince those you can of a different perspective and let go of the others.
Let god sort them out.
Truth will out eventually.
Dawn always follows the night.
Persevere.
And have hope.
Through the eyes of an immigrant
America, thanks to certain politics, is on the world’s shit list again. And other immigrants and asylum seekers are having a hard time.
With institutional racism, homophobia, and a generally sexist history, many on the left wing no longer see themselves as Patriots. They may even say they’d love this country a whole lot more if it wasn’t currently a bit… divided.
If you love someone or something you want to fix what’s broken and all.
But I want to point out an aspect sworn about by other countries. The English are particularly unwelcoming of Americans“Sloppy Language usage.” And indeed the fluidity can be frustrating as context is everything and soundbites steal their lies from true statements that actually mean something else.
But it’s a living language. It’s supposed to change. It’s supposed to be flexible. And with the ease and fluidity of American English they are so naturally used to listening for context that if you’re struggling to communicate? They’ll meet you half way with what you seem to be saying. If they’re wrong you want to change your wording anyway!
It’s perhaps easier for me to appreciate the American Dream. While I myself am on my “down and outs”, my father came to this country barely able to afford furniture – and not always.
A stuffed bear I had gotten for Christmas was really too expensive, but I loved it so much they bought it anyway. Hardly the pile of toys people imagine.
My Dad has more flexibility now even if he does still panic about money. Post war Britain was like that and my childhood was long enough ago to be affected.
Now I’m out and struggling. I’m one step from the homeless shelter I was in last year. And that was one step from sleeping in my car.
I don’t really know the why, but okay. I was cut off for a while and I have disabilities. I couldn’t climb out without help from “The System”.
But I am climbing out.
I also had a pretty serious suicide attempt this past July. In England I wouldn’t be worth saving really. I would be viewed as another poor person and they wouldn’t have tried what my ER surgeon managed.
He did near experimental surgery to save me. New ideas barely out of medical speculation. I didn’t ask but it might have been the first it was done. I’m still here because my heart would beat but not so anything about oxygen even with a tube down my throat. Lungs just weren’t able to get the message in.
So they drew my blood out one vein,, oxygenated it, and put it back in. I had an external machine as a second heart for a while. And it worked.
I was damn serious. I don’t know at which point but they also has to do CPR. It was intense.
But they did it. I’m here writing this thanks to a massive team. No one wrote me off as worthless or unsavable. I was in the hospital for three weeks. Mostly asleep for months after. I really fucking tried. But so did the team saving me and they won.
America Medical anything gets criticized a lot – mostly because we’re so fucking big it really can vary and shitting on “the new kid” seems to be popular. Cherry-pick failures in a one hospital city and you could be disappointed.
But even one that screwed me over a few times has my respect from saving my Mom from a brain embolism. Like holy shit.
It was suggested I sue, but it was a county hospital. That budget would have come out of emergency service pay and I don’t fucking think so. They deserved better.
That’s America for you, a little wild and free but with the occasional surprise and a lot of people who are pissed off because they care.
You nutty lot, you love each other and I love all of you. It’s so annoying we have the divides we do because there’s beauty in everyone and this country.
Being told to “go back to ___” hurts like hell. But others use the hard to learn fluid language skills to help non native speakers communicate. They reach out, they try. They may even know a few words. You just don’t get that everywhere.
You usually have to adapt when you emigrate and maybe can’t. But In America it’s embraced as much as it’s criticized. Americans love their diversity!
Good god there’s no way to make this country less interesting! Which makes you as creative as you can be, but not exactly calm.
Sure we’re exhausted by our infighting. So I go back to saying we agree we could all use more sleep and the changes to make it possible.
Vacation time wouldn’t hurt either.
We just need everyone to recognize you only learn the value of a dollar by not having any. Not by pooling it and judging. Boy sometimes my fellow Americans rub me the wrong way. But at least I can talk about it!
The guardian newspaper had to move their headquarters to New York because they’re protected here. You underestimate the value of free speech and you have it in the constitution!
Maybe we could annoy each other less if we agree diversity is good, fluid language skills are better, and we could all do with a fucking nap!
Sorry, just teasing on the last part.
I can here. Because you’re more likely to get the fucking joke. Some of my fellow countrymen are being fooled by an imposter. But I’m not written off. I’m rescued.
Sylvanna Devlin 