Sylvanna Devlin

Where do we go?

It’s easy to see why one would be confused by my faith. I consider myself a Wayward Druid who believes in reincarnation, heaven, nirvana, the Trinity and that Mohammed was the greatest prophet. Simple No? The closest to what I am is a western Lama without necessarily being one. That about covers it right?

What I do know is that when I gave up on life, Allah gave me a gift to remind me of the meaning to my existence and maybe help others “Get there” without “Getting out.” More simply put at I had a very serious suicide attempt and I became part of Nirvana. Some medical intervention and brief waking later, I started up the steps to heaven and was reaching for the door. Then I woke up in the ICU with a very painful, unhappy body and long road to recovery.

I could make you get to the end before explaining this bit. But no one including myself wants to deal with that. So in reverse order we go:

Buddhists got it right. Nirvana is where to stop being. You see the stars of the night sky and just let go of everything you are to become part of them. The end to struggle, pain, striving, difficulty, just… let go. It’s wonderful and perfect and unpleasant to return from if you had no worries anymore whatsoever. People dream of a place of peace and joining Nirvana is it. You ever had a dream you stopped existing and were disappointed to wake up? Yeah that but more so. You exist and don’t in a quantum version of the soul. Absolutely nothing hurts anymore.

Heaven is where you go to get there. It’s a place of healing and becoming perfect and whole before even that sends you to utter peace. Nirvana. You worry, you struggle with the mortal coil. But you’re happy and it’s pleasant and warm like a glow from a Christmas tree as you walk up to the house on a rainy day. It’s loving and kind and I have no doubts some choose to stay there.

Reincarnation is what you are stuck with till you earn your spot in heaven or Nirvana.

Can some bypass heaven and get to Nirvana? Sure. Plenty of Buddhists do. A few of those decide to come back as a lama – someone there to guide others up. And some souls that have made it are asked to pop down again to do something about the lost.

I call death Papa, the Christian god abba, my gods Iris and Bran, and the being above all of them Allah. In that reverse order till you get to a being so ancient, so wonderful he usually lets a good half help or harm the other half because he’s seen the end of the story – and the beginning.

He was there at the Big Bang, and will continue to exist after the universe shrinks back up. He is in everything and sometimes he gets annoyed. But mostly he has an aura of energy that can invade humans and persuade them to perform miracles, but he doesn’t get as involved unless the lessor gods need something and they can’t pull it off. Like surviving a death that should have ended me or occasionally sending speakers among them. Frankly I think Allah was irritated enough to answer “What happens when we die?” And then send me back.

What am I? The bottom of the pile I mentioned. I would be a normal Pagan if I didn’t believe the rest. Am I a speaker? Only Abba knows. But I’ve drunk a golden liquid from a dusty cup – well I only took a sip really – and I don’t actually know what that means but apparently it was good.

All I remember of the vivid vision was the hostess of a circle of other, very ancient men and women sitting round an earthy, large carved looking pit or well. She was clearly thirsty so I did not refuse the offer but returned the cup – offering it back to one who seemed to need it more. And there was celebration at the act I didn’t understand.

None of the vision was clear. If this was ambrosia why would the joy be at the return? I mean sure, deep in my soul it makes sense. But not in a way I could explain. This was knowledge right? Why would any be pleased that I acted true to nature, sure. But what else do I do? It was to a woman with greater thirst. Who was she? And in that vein, who am I?

I hunt knowledge like food but if I continued the analogy would indeed go hungry if it helped lift another. Is that true for what I could learn? If another sought to understand more would I accept understanding less? No. So what gives?

Oh there we go. Even knowledge must be accepted with recognition of the one offering it. Hence my belief in all gods, all spirits and a hierarchy such as described earlier. I do not however believe in all stories.

In the version of King James I read God was afraid of mankind eating the immortal fruit and becoming Gods. There was no serpent. Only curiosity. In that vein, is what Eve was known to do that bad? If Eden was a place of hunter gatherer past and she represented the start of knowledge then she started civilization as we know it. Would we still prefer picking berries? No. Sin is not real but wrong is and so is evil. And Eve did neither.

On the other hand it’s allegorical. But we seem to yearn for a time of innocence. Which may be the point. I think the point is someone – a woman – noticed that seeds dropped became plants and after a while those had berries and thus knowledge is actually farming which is indeed the foundation of everything we are. Go without books for a while and we’re bored. Food is another matter. And of course the woman was blamed for what happened next when I don’’t remember if the Bible ever pointed out who first tilled the soil but you can bet he didn’t see the point.

In my personal allegory of the vision I had. Those present celebrated what? The generosity, shared compassion, understanding of limits? Waiting for another? Knowing my place? Or that I was willing to drink and share even knowledge? Maybe all and more. Or maybe It was more simple. I did not recognize the significance of the act, merely her thirst was greater.

I think really it signified my place in things. I would be granted some knowledge but the rest was to be held by others. My place was to contribute not take over. Rather like  recognizing some advice is still good a thousand years later but not all.

That would explain the end of the vision where I saw the cup passing to her left.

That vision and the experience of death a year later put me on and set me back on my path respectively. Well maybe just the latter. I had to write a special book, that was in me at 15. But the knowledge of what I believed was not there. Or really what to believe. Indeed while answers came, it was not till one uncomfortable night in August 2025, I realized the significance of what I experienced before. The vision in October 2024 and giving up and being dropped back about a year later. One perhaps a warning to the other. There was to be “none of that now”.

It was not so I could cry and complain about how death was so pleasant compared to waking up. It was to console others and share the nature of the cycle. Over and again to live till ascending. But what about atheists? Well did you live a good life, shedding suffering as you go? Close? Boy are you in for a surprise then. Welcome to Nirvana for believing in nothing spiritual but following an innate compass of good anyway. Were you an asshole? You’re in for a surprise too, you toad.

What compass can you have without faith? Actually a lot. But that book, while spiritual in production, is intended to be foundational in nature and provide reinforcement and structure where possible. So you may find relief and comfort there. Iris is the goddess of magic which these days I call the wonder of science. So she helped. But an actual human wrote this with one hell of an alter ego! But when Allah saves you it is for a purpose and when he wants to, he delegates. So Iris helped. Who turns down gods?

Provided you believe in them I suppose.

So why believe?

Because they are there and will nag you till you do, foul weather faith, counting blessings, getting blessings, aiding and offering strength. All kinds of reasons. But mostly because they are real.

I hear you Atheists you either don’t or don’t want to consider either the spiritual or gods as anything other than a product the mind and need.

So it begs the question what are they? I used to believe we imagined them into being – maybe using that spot in the brain. That they exist because we believe they exist. Now I believe abba or Allah got creative and different gods predate the cultures they are particularly suited to. I also know our faith gives them strength – that part it is true. I just plain do not know where they come from or how they came to be.

Some think of them as potent spirits. Ancestors that have grown in strength. And for sure some that’s true. But what else explains such diversity and beliefs than a god/gods having their say? Rather like spirits and ghosts create a certain energy in the place.

Tell me why we believe in these things and diversity of faiths if they aren’t real? A part of our neurology that creates communication? How do we know it’s not making it easier to communicate?

To cement cultural Identities? Okay, you got me there. But why gods and spirits? Why not other energetic theories?’

Oop I said the “E” word. If a neuroscientist can believe it’s real. Why can’t we? Dr. Perlmutter has a book on it. And while his explanation sounds a little Star Wars at least there’s some explanation why mine is white and was gold before and Bran’s is black and for sure for the scale of energy white to black is not necessarily more than association. White is considered pure and new. That of angels is usually gold and if my energy wasn’t that, it was the silver of the fae/

It’s almost like having a new soul. Maybe exactly like. So the first to flow in comes from the collective consciousness that is part of being in Nirvana.

Back to that. Are we in our brains and body? Or is there existence beyond? Sure there is life after death but like a candle flame. Consciousness is in the body and near imprints on the soul. Indeed heaven could be seen as a place to become willing to join the pool and become part of the water. As a soul with the mind pressed in.

Am I afraid of reincarnation now? You bet I am. So listening to helpful spirits and gods seems wise as is following the path Allah set out for me. This book. This soul wants to go back and the only way is for me to act as I always have with compassion and courage.

Why is this relevant? Energy is the souls way of keeping a body going. And we agree on electrical charges in nerves but not to where that goes back. But many who believe in nothing else believe in a soul. And I’m saying that has to go and come from somewhere. The ether of air is not an option.

What is energy beyond a controllable electrical field? I’m not sure. Some of ours seem more potent than others and I don’t know why save a poor lot in reincarnation – probably for reasons. Though evil seems to give strength to some.

I don’t know why.

What does this have to do with God? Or gods? Well imagine them as an immense energetic force that can hear prayers and tilt luck. Say their name to get their attention though because if they’re always listening that’s a lot to get through. Our faith is energetic, our prayer is – and the power of prayer works in faith healing. It has been seen.

Indeed if Allah permeates everything – as he does – then what better way to describe him is the ultimate underlying force in the universe, all forces, that of motion, speed, gravity, human desires, other species no doubt. There is a good reason physics have been searching quantum mechanics for a god particle. Where the fuck does all this energy come from and why does it seem sentient? Let’s not pull in physics too much or we’ll sound like we believe in emotional water and homeopathy and we don’t. Not unless you’re taking the effect on the mind (Placebo etc) then it’s potent stuff not to be poo-pooed,

Gods seem to exist in symbiosis with us, where from? Maybe the garden of Eden and the wrong apple. I don’t know. Abba certainly seemed jealous of other gods till he decided he was the only one. But while unlikely to be omnipresent and omnipotent – as what god is – he certainly is given great power by our faith

What does that mean for us? Can we become gods? If our soul is believed in can our energetic force gain in power and we ascend not to Nirvana but to godhood? Hell no. Just because we are made of the same thing doesn’t make us the same kind of entity.

Besides what’s wrong with being human? Besides the obvious that being human sucks and Nirvana sounds lovely thank you, brief stop in heaven to help me let go. I should say what’s wrong with human beings but, as one, that list is significantly longer.

Theoretically a god, say Abba could decide to inhabit a human body and use the Holy Spirit to help hold his energy in place like a thread tying them both.

Suddenly the trinity doesn’t look so weird does it?

Souls double booking a spot could be true. It certainly would make sense I can be at peace in nirvana and here in this miserable world to try to soothe, comfort, and care for those I love, which is everyone and everything and some people in particular. I’m still going to need a stop in heaven next death. That peace is getting dented.

We should say less that life is suffering as much as life is grieving. For some both sure. But even fairly happy religious souls lose their official path when grief hits, but still behave with the goodness of the lessons they learnt while following someone else’s instructions.

There we have the roles of the son, the prophets and the ultimate prophet. Instructions.  Now it’s worth saying that those of ancient times may not have all relevant instructions for todays complications. And may have irrelevant ones. We do need to pick and choose while listening to the opinions of others either leading or on that path. But if we blaze our own we need help.

Atheists put their faith in science and I believe Iris has decided science holds enough wonder to be hers too. Magic is old, atomic structure is where it’s at. So some of us get to bridge the worlds if we really want to. And gods are nothing if not persistent. So she has the magic of science to herself thus far.

If I really make an impression that is. Gods are like that. Forget your reason for being and they’ll pile it on you. Allah wants a speaker, Abba wants to knock a few heads together, Bran wants to be loved, Iris wants a voice – thank you very much – and my more every day spirits probably want food. To help yes. But mostly food. Welcome to what’s left. I’m a battery.

What is for certain true is that prayer like meditation, makes a difference. It’s been checked but not fact checked at the time of this book. But it has been checked by multiple people and while it could be energetic, some things are on a god level and they’re fussy. They pick you. They’ll get you. Why believe? Because making it real is only a matter of faith in whatever god chooses you. So why not? They’ll only pester you till you do.

I am not exactly afraid of the spiritual world in the slightest. Though that’s me. Not gods. But out of respect I don’t go where none of us it welcome. And I am not a goddess. If I have a piece of one. maybe we all can. The scientist in me is indeed curious.

Atheists, you still with me? The good stuff is yet to come.