Sylvanna Devlin

This is a test of the “emergency” broadcast system. This is only a test. Do not change the channel. Nothing is wrong. This is just a test. Do test emergency systems, do not test boundaries. And fucking have some.

What we really need to worry about is the pull of what a lot of pagans refer to as shadow selves. Frankly I’m an expert on being baited like mad and needled and wheedled and whatever else my former spouse did to destroy any calm I had. You can’t be a Buddha with a Toad nitpicking each bone in your spinal cord.

Yes that is exactly like what being the victim of reactive abuse feels – spinal prodding. Take that as many ways as you can. Because it wears down your back in so many ways I can’t think of a more apt euphemism for long term abuse.

I will admit after bottling it and bottling it and keeping it wrapped up it turned on my body before I fucking went to the faerie realm an released a scream that was the audio equivalent of a nuclear bomb. Since that’s a real thing that was -virtually- really fucking loud. No idea if the neighbors heard my body was asleep.

Does that feel good? I mean yeah, go to the faerie realm to scream if you can.

But here’s the trick from someone told over and over to let it out. Rant to your god? Yes. Talk to a therapist? Yes. Yell as the wind? Ooh good. Find an outlet?

Ooh Bad.

No I’m fucking serious letting it out and having an outlet are separate. And I I understand wanting an outlet so damn badly. I really do. Like nothing would be as satisfying as the mightiest kick into —- I don’t know. It certainly sounds like summoning my chi and destroying a punching bag placement would be deeply enjoyable. But it wouldn’t

I mean for a moment yeah, sure. But if we tap into that part of us it tends to rile the beasts inside and we want more. Another kick. Another outlet. We begin to develop self hatred and it makes us angrier. We’re labeled as angry. We don’t deserve that. And Nothing pulls out a furious wrathful growl than righteous indignation. But a warning growl? Sure. Snarl with words? No, you’ll feel bad I promise. Bite? Absolutely not. Calling a cunt a cunt? Satisfying but counter productive. Not that I listen to that.

Okay but this is a modern book for the modern era and some video games are particularly satisfying.

This is true. I like aiming ones and am terrible at them. But every gamer in the world will tell you it’s not about anger, it’s not an addiction, it’s mucking about with useless skills we all enjoy and endless hours of either grinding, finding, or farming. Your average big box video game gamer is probably the biggest sweetheart you could know.

But these quick pincushion mini games of getting out frustration and the delight in the wounding of a victim? That is not what games are supposed to be about. It will feed your desire to let out your frustration and fuel it at the same time.The emotional investment that is negative in nature and destructive? Addictive and “Haha” bullying that may (or may not) be virtual will still fuel that shadow self. It will feel good for about a half second then not so much.

Angry actions beget angry people.

Frankly it really is that simple. The shadow Self screams with delight when released but pulls you deeper into an emotional pit. You know the pit of despair from Princess Bride except that probably has a bottom and you feed that shadow self too much that bottom is in a yard.

Sorry to go Mum on you but yes video games are part of a systemic issue leading to mental health problems – in some people – don’t find out by becoming an angry person you are one of them.

Which brings us back to good and evil.

You don’t think of evil as a near energetic force created by a push and pushback voice in your head that is as hard to ignore as the energy generated by a see saw?

Just me huh. Some of you are going to be so annoyed I spell this out.

If good and evil are a see saw, and what you want is for the fucking thing to stop moving or to land with good in your general direction, the energy we each created pushes the whole damn thing. The more pissed off and warlike we become the fucking holier than, without acting holier than, anyone else has to be to sit on it hoping to pull us to good.

Bottom being more convenient I suppose. Certainly useful for flinging off evil people and getting everyone to at least come hang in the middle so the energetic up and down can pass through.

Wait. Hang on. War between good and evil sure, whatever, everyone really gets to decide how much vile behavior can be called evil or how evil spreads inside from “just playing” to taking it too far. Because there is clearly an evil force in the world, but we may be what fuels it. But what is this letting good and evil pass through you bit?

Well that evil energy will exist, so please add to the good with kind words, deeds, and even thoughts. Let the energy change and flow into a positive kind of weight that saves lives and brings one closer to the gods if you’re inclined to feel that way.

If you think of the energy as finite – another force that cannot be destroyed, brought into greater and greater power by our actions then when evil does flow our way – battle it sure, if you can. But make good come of it. Take that Navy Blue Demonic nastiness, and when you recover, put it into Angleic Baby Blue acts – not words, thoughts yes too actually, but acts. If your acts are words like a writer that’s different. That whole be the good you want to see in the world makes our stomachs churn, and no way does anyone get as determined to be different, than those wronged greatly.

Though there are other paths to good. Let’s not succumb to evil behavior and then say,  “I was just making my victim more good”. But if you want to know how martyrs form that’s it’. They take the hate and give back love.

Is that close to impossible? Yes. Without a good rant one in a while? Probably. Anger is a natural human emotion and while not evil itself can lead to evil. And it’s plain annoying that righteous indignation has been conflated with self righteousness as they are separate but a needler doesn’t care.

Yes you can retrain your thoughts. Do it for yourself and privately though. It causes issues otherwise.

If you have no privacy because some cunt is trying to kill you? Swear like a sailor. I hear it’s relaxing.