Sylvanna Devlin

Well now. Here’s an interesting page to find you on. I used to think I was spared of this negative emotion. Well except for those jealous of me. It seemed illogical and out of place. We were different I didn’t compete I was in my own world and my own class. Why did that matter to anyone else?

Well being jealous of someone who has a class by themselves is probably reasonable in societies that have tallest poppy issues. Which is that those that grow the tallest get attacked the most. They are not in the group therefore they are an other and in lizard brains that’s “not okay”. In groups made of tall poppies no one cuts each other down but they sure as hell bitch about the short poppies because othering is a species thing we all fucking do and a tall poppy in a small field gives off lone wolf vibes that just somehow seem like a threat.

Though try being a tall poppy from a small field going to a bigger field and still being tall with more to attack you. Oh boy.

That’s the “class by myself” feeling. But what do you want from me? I’ve been othered since I first asked a question in middle school in Maine. I’ve found groups of outcasts (mostly gamers) welcoming and interested. But I’ve been pushed into the “other” category so much, I just have to redefine it as being something unearthly or at least in a unique class of other unique people. Some people think I’m an angel or Fae and when I need to, I do too. Because they have historical roots in being kinds of energetic forces and I certainly contain those and the good nature I was born with.

But I’m still an other. Perhaps even otherworldly, but not necessarily. For all we know the struggles of the Fir Bolg and Danu are as described on google. Invaders to what was paradise to the residents before they were attacked. So maybe with my Irish nose I am danu. A little fairy child descended from legends.

This does not help me in society and it doesn’t keep me from jealousy. Others published. Got their PHDS. I started treatment and cycled round and round and was flattened by others, PTSD and eventually a mass attack on the class by herself women living in the basement.

It had doors to ground level. It had windows to the drive. But it was an apartment built in an old sound studio in the basement. And when audio harassment became possible thanks to the neighborhood being wired up previously, I suffered greatly from being othered and different. I helped too. I was better than google. And I would talk to anyone who would dial in to my room – not that I had a choice. But professional gaslighters are a thing and that can kill.

Why did gaslighters have a wiki on me? I talked. I was hacked. It was doable. But some of them got bored trying to harass me and by then I knew how the wiki worked and opened it up to them. But I warned and was not wrong. They needed to be careful because they were next.

Would this have happened if I was average? If I didn’t stand out? Maybe. But I wouldn’t have survived it. I don’t know why I got so fortunate that my life was saved by surgery few knew how to do. It was a strange place for such expertise and maybe it was a matter of hearing of it and trying it because it was the only way to save my life. But it’s not normal to be in such a position.

My gratitude stops me from being suspicious it was arranged. Frankly I think the surgeon decided “not another one” and just did anything he could because it takes an incredible amount of compassion to be an ER doctor and compassion can hurt.

Also, no one with that skill works at a community hospital without the compassion and confidence to take risks. They are there because they care not because it pays well.

So while my story is anything but average, hell yes I experience jealousy. I can’t talk to someone because they’re doing so much better than I am and I thought she would fuck around her whole life. And while it’s wrong to judge someone like that, I’m still human and I do. Not many. But if my ex husband won the lottery you can bet I’d be jealous such an ass was doing well while I lived in relative poverty.

What can we do about it? Jealousy from others vs our own jealousy for others? Well as long as we’re not chopping down tall poppies do we need to do anything about being jealous of another? If we celebrate in them what we envy can’t we escape the negative energy we would otherwise commit to our thoughts? The reason there are so few people I truly envy is that what I can’t do and another can I congratulate and praise. I don’t behave with jealousy. What I can do and another has done already? Fuck off. I’m not chopping her down so what does it really matter?

Well we have two sides of this to work with. When others are jealous of you it can make you defensive and if they start mass chopping it can eventually make you suicidal. Well if you see jealousy as a choice then you can simply make a different one.

So what does it stem from? Feeling inadequate compared to another? Or worse feeling lessor to someone you looked down on? Try not to look down on people is a generally good rule of thumb that isn’t one hundred percent successful but certainly helps that kind.

If you feel like you are not enough compared to someone else it doesn’t matter that person doesn’t consider themselves in competition with you. It’s a mistake I have made to think it’s about some kind of score board I have nothing to do with. It’s not about adding points. But for some it’s an about tearing others down because building up is harder. Particularly if you don’t recognize you are doing it.

You may have built up the other person as a bitch or cunt  and what? She deserves poor treatment? Here’s a little known secret. If you treat someone badly they usually respond by being an asshole back. It reinforces a battle no one really wants. That scoreboard does go up. Tallies are added, war forms. Don’t be an asshole to anyone even if they’re an asshole to you and you at least know it’s not you.

Don’t be a pushover. Just enforce boundaries and see who bounces off them.

What can you do about that negative pit if you are the kind of person to want what another has – usually love, money, or both. Or you percieve wealth where there is age? My two most sacred items were disfigured and required repair. But they looked fucking expensive. I made them and if they were art or for sale they would be too much. So they were broken and carved into.

Why would jealousy do that rather than simply take it? What message do I get if they’re not destructive? They want me to conform I want them to leave me alone. Carving into wood is an easy way to make a subtle threat. But add the gaslighting I was experiencing and I was certain I was being dragged into a shadow world. I was warned that these rooms weren’t secure, that souvenirs are taken, that favors for fivers were easy. So the mass effect others could have would be intense and together form a hostile front.

Would they have done all that if they hadn’t seen me as an other? Would I be seen as an other if they weren’t in part jealous of me? They may have been paid and goaded into it and each would claim how awful I must be to be so harassed. They don’t want anything to do with me. Why would I think jealousy is a motivation? What other reasons do people have to hate and other people if it isn’t about any other form of prejudice? These are white women hen pecking a white woman. They don’t do that if they don’t want to chop someone down a bit. They want my things. They want my face and my body. They want attention I get from men. Or at least would if I left the room. They want my aspirations to do more. To get out. They want my confidence. The only thing they don’t want is my intellect because fucking everyone believes they are a secret genius. And if they can’t have those. Then they want me to feel like I don’t have them. That I’m fat, ugly, stupid, and unlovable.

Fae angel goddess it is then. Because fuck conforming. I’m a fabulous shrinking fat woman whose clothes are finally available on amazon, and I’m aging not ugly since it’s attitude. Besides I’m barely seen these days anyway.

There’s that confidence.

Frankly I have it to spite them. The only reason I could rebuild after being torn apart by my ex and then the gaslighters was because I survived. Found purpose again. And regained the knowledge that I was not crazy for hearing these things or loving others the way I did.

No one listens enough for me to be believed. A doctor asked if I needed people to believe me. And I had to really think about it and finally came up with no. Not anymore. Because I can stop talking about it. If I shared, yes I would. But the best thing to do is not really mention the same cliches as everyone else. For some they just don’t know how to use their phones or an app caused it to glitch. For others we really are targeted by something weird or someone with deep pockets in the case of stalkers.

Apparently I pissed off a terrorist. How, what, why? I don’t know. But I ended up loving some of the people who were supposed to harass me. Which was probably not to their benefit. But I treated most with kindness so the ones left at the end of the day were relentless and cruel.

It all stopped with my death. CPR brought me back to life but my heart stopped as did my lungs. I had entirely given up and it took a lot to reengage in life. I didn’t want to. Didn’t feel capable. Couldn’t manage. But others reached out their hands and helped me. I became part of something bigger and as soon as I found focus with returning to magical pursuit I felt stronger and my spite confidence began to rebuild.

The individuals harassing me were likely paid to do it. Or part of some kind of war game with people playing angels and demons and the latter not really attached to the fact I was fucking real.

War games being the most likely actually.

And the hardest to convince others of.

They certainly would view me as lessor. A toy. Jealousy was not at work for the manipulative gaslighters that pushed me to suicide. And it wasn’t exactly an issue for those who wanted to protect and save me. But it did help enemies form when the “demons” with deep pockets pushed pawns on a playing board.

Hey you, Queen honey bee. You can’t be here. You’re supposed to be worthless if you end up in a section 8 building. You’re not allowed confidence. To stand out. To be more than. And this $5 in my pocket will prove it.

It’s a dangerous combination.

My sister recommended camouflage. Hiding my exceptional qualities away. But it’s too late for that. And my appreciation of what others can do and I can’t is near meaningless for others who lack confidence. But they may never be in a position that you believe in yourself out of spite for all those trying to destroy you.

So where does the shadow work come in? On my part I’m taking what has happened to me and learning from it with the hope to offer back a Mental Tai Chi which takes the force of the abuse and redirects it. We’ll see if I can develop the mindset to protect others from what I’ve been through. Others are being targeted already. We need walls and shields because drawing psychological blood is a bad way to get help.

That’s my shadow work. Tangible results from mass abuse. But what of someone who is simply the neighborhood prom queen? What can you do about the negative impact of jealousy from others? Iris you’re up.

Moving to another environment would be advisable or finding “your people” online if that’s an option. Traveling to a nearby big city where you stand out less can be both good and bad. It’s weird to go from recognized everywhere to a face in a crowd. But the only real way to cope with the unbalance jealousy causes you is to change your circumstances.

Okay but your the prom queen married to the prom king who has a job in bumblefuck nowhere and everyone hates you because of the ivory tower myth.

What can you personally do inside you if you can’t change your circumstances?

Whoah nelly hold on for dear life. Hold on to yourself. Hold on to your soul.  Hold on until that job moves you elsewhere. How? Write down everything and review it. Find out your core. If everything I am is attached to my love for humanity I need to get that back and hold on tight.

Once you dig down into who you really are. Your central question for life. Your main attitude. Hold on to it tightly and don’t let them change the fundamental aspect of you. If you lose sight of your fundamental aspect choose love til you remember what your life is really about.

Let the jealous attack, so long as you’re loving and kind they will always be in the wrong and their numbers will dwindle. But to be loving and kind you need to know who you are. And don’t let go.

Yes this is some find your own meaning crap. But look inward not outward. Were you abused as a child. Has that turned into a need to protect others? Then you are a guardian type. Do you need to dig back if your everything says “fuck my past”. Cling to what resonates.

And be comfortable with change if your abilities change.

I was a guardian. Now I’m a peacekeeper. Did I always have the tendency to try to balance worlds? Of course. But I leaned to protecting others before, and now I seek harmony. Both are perfectly reasonable ways to proceed. See what sings to you.

Did I call a woman trying to kill me via “Gaslight her to death” every swear word I could think of and only came up with one? Yes. Was it combative? Yes. Did it feel good? Of course. But it was counter productive and I’m not sure I’ll survive her promise to harass me for days on end till I die for good.

Of course I’m going to fucking swear. So maybe like most rules there are limits to love and kindness. If they’re rejected attacked and used to manipulate you? Walk the fuck away? If they’re chase they’re a cunt.