Sylvanna Devlin

Who me? Did I do that? Yes you fucking did. And I would spend several pages saying if you did something own up to it even if it’s to the wind. You know when you’ve really done something wrong. Actually will hurt another wrong.

You do know. But I have a more important point.

Unfortunately some of us carry guilt with us our whole lives and some is undeserved or the wronged party is long since over caring.  But we still carry it with us. Or worse we’re inclined to feel guilty for doing things for ourselves asking for help, or receiving help when it’s offered.

Woah nelly that’s a lot to unpack. But you should. Most people who feel guilty for caring for themselves or being cared for are the kinds of people who care for others. But if they go down or are no longer in a position to be the helper they can’t make the switch easily.

People say individuals like me (as I’m one of those) are too independent. And I don’t know how that works, if independence out of guilt is really that independent. Most of us have to fend for ourselves when really we need others. Maybe we’re not used to help. Maybe we’re only used to asking for help from people we’re close to or professionals. But from what I can tell all of us would help a stranger cross a six lane highway like it’s the River Styx. As an example.

What the hell is wrong with us? Do we mind? No. It’s sometimes even cheering. Does it take extra energy? Sometimes but it’s ours to give. But givers don’t make good receivers. And when we do we feel bad for “bothering’ someone else.

That kind of guilt is very different from the wronged a person kind that some of us always carry. I crossed my best friend by accident and was excommunicated from an entire social circle after that. He really was a gossip and sharing my stories. He really was being treated badly. But I hurt him in a way there was no recovering from when I challenged him on it.

I still feel bad. I don’t think I was in the wrong but I don’t think what I did was right either. But we make mistakes. I miss him. I love him. There’s chemistry between us. But we haven’t talked in close to twenty years. Some people have that effect on us. Usually I have that effect on others.

If you deeply wronged, murder or something, I don’t know but guilt is the right thing to feel in those circumstances.

What can we do about feeling like we imposed on society? What survival mechanism is at work here? Why do I feel this way? Who made me feel bad for asking for help? No one? Then why do I?

What the hell is wrong with me?

It comes down to knowing limits. If we don’t know another’s we don’t know what to ask for. The word “No.” is terrifying. Worse is the idea we don’t get a “No.” when we really should. Have I asked for too much? Have I asked too often? With people you always go to for help you know they will do what they can. But caregiver fatigue is a thing and if you’re really down and out of it you need to balance who you ask and what for, and you might not be good at that.

Having your own strong boundaries is an important aspect to life but if you don’t know where another’s are that gets tricky. But we’re caregivers and by nature want to care for others who are giving.

When investigating our sadness within it’s important to address this guilt we feel for being helped. We don’t want to change our whole identities, but we do actually need a hand now and it’s not going to be from the ones we’ve been giving to usually, because they view us as a helper and we instinctively know they might get a little mad that we now want them to give back.

So others step in that we might not have helped and we don’t know why. I mean we would. Why would anyone else – other than it’s part of their identity to give. It’s part of who they are. It’s what they do.

Does it help, knowing that those offering you a hand view it as part of them? And that by accepting you are reinforcing who they are and that feels good? Of course it does. So when you’re peering at a dark hole in your navel with all the undeserved guilt for getting help you are not sure you deserve either? Just remember you are reinforcing someone’s reason to stick around every time you accept.

Okay but what about I crossed someone that one time kind? Keep it. Examine it. Recognize it. Feel it. If it’s overwhelming let time damp you down in time. But we should feel bad for hurting other people. It helps us avoid hurting more. So if you want a social survival reason for guilt it’s the thwack on the nose from god that we’re not doing our part. The problem is when we feel thwacked on the nose for no fucking good reason.

If you view it as a survival mechanism and there are givers and receivers and givers make bad receivers I suppose it makes sense. We’re upsetting the balance. And it can put you in tears. Those receivers who are used to givers think givers can “handle it on their own”. Because they always have. When they need help they feel their left to flounder, because those they can turn to always give but don’t get and that doesn’t seem fair now you are in the reverse position.

What we need is a new societal model that’s not so damn binary when people balance giving and receiving but I’m not fucking holding my breath that there won’t always be some people who only take. What I need to address is the valid feelings of those who always give.

Look we know what you’re afraid of becoming because there’s always someone with a perpetually open beak you don’t want to be like and chances are you don’t have good examples of someone who both gives and receives. And I can say try receiving gods love first. And sure it works for some. But for those left in the cold by that they need a new mental model. A new identity. And I bet thoughts are “Good luck with that.”

Well really you do need to adjust your self view to accept help without feeling bad about it. Just don’t become a maw of need and realize, be fully aware that those helping you want to help you or they wouldn’t be doing it. And those assholes you always help and make you feel bad if you ask for anything are fucking gaping maws and it’s them not you.

Or in other words, it takes practice, patience, and perseverance like anything else in life worth doing but you will make people happy when you ask for help so work on it. Think of is as a perverse way to give.

Okay yeah but I want time to myself or I’ve been told I should and I have hairy legs I mind and everyone else says they don’t.

Honey they need to let you take that time because otherwise one day there won’t be a you. If you feel guilty for wanting to make your own food choices, exercise habits, social interactions, take a long good look at who you are associating with. Time can be a hard thing to squeeze in and currently I have enough so I can’t tell you how to skim 15 minutes off cooking prep or something.

I can tell you taking care of yourself takes energy and sometimes you don’t have that either so you feel bad for not doing it but if someone else needs that energy you feel bad if you do.

Gods thwack remember. Most of this is learnt or built in to society but mostly because somehow we got the idea what we are doing is wrong. How do you reframe it as right? Give god a good talking to? Listen, if he’s your thing. Yes certainly. But otherwise keep in mind that one of the reasons you feel guilty is you know someone who doesn’t and should and they bother the fuck out of you.

Release them and release yourself.

Earmark time and energy for doing what you want to do. Others are going to complain but because your identity has always been to put on their face mask first and then collapse unconscious and still hear people say it’s your fault for not taking care of your own needs. Of course not you were taking care of everyone else!

You can’t put their mask on etc so forth you’ve heard it. What you have not heard is. This is your identity we are talking about. Changing that isn’t a light switch. “Oh you’re right”. But from someone who developed fibromyalgia,  seriously change that or your body will do it for you.

It’s slow and takes little things at once. Don’t announce to your family they need to fuck off for forty-eight hours. Steal time in fifteen minute increments, eke out a bit of energy for yourself, then slowly push that to more.

Chances are very fucking likely those that give to others are also bad at giving to themselves. What you have there is an identity crisis that can only be changed slowly but needs to before your body insists. You are not going to become that gaping maw you worry about. You don’t know who that will be. And I understand that’s scary. But it is better.