Sylvanna Devlin

From “Game Over” A narrators perspective.

Time for me to borrow Mjollnir.[1]

There are a lot of misunderstandings about what reactive abuse is, how it works, and how it can be recognized. Thus as we begin a  story with an  undercurrent of such filth I need to make it clear what exactly is going on when those interacting waves get shoved into action.

We don’t have full numbers when it comes to this complicated and rather sophisticated form of abuse, because quite a lot of men hear so many justifications and lies from their partners they are fooled. And men are the most frequent victim of this type[2]. Indeed it’s possible the type of feminism that men also need will gain a boon that Sylvanna has now also experienced this, and can reach a branch out to men silenced by the fear they will not be believed.

At least now you convinced me to help you analyze it to pieces.

Someone has to and that’s you. I don’t have other dedicated druids I could persuade to let me prod at them on a single traumatic topic for five years.

I wonder why…

To truly focus on the crux so I’ve chosen the favorite slippery wording of an abuser – whether a more standard kind, or a tormentor who just won’t stop. Everyone expects the victim of reactive abuse to be the one to use such a phrase. But that’s plain not the psychology behind pushed buttons. So lets first thoroughly examine the word “only.”

Sylvanna heard Peachy (Toad’s mother) say it to Gentle Strength (Toad’s father) a nauseating amount of times. Add the secret whispers of friends? There’s a great gaping hole in our knowledge base. Frankly because it’s often so well combined with gaslighting there are many who really do feel it their fault. If you’re one of them? Please look deeply.

How familiar does this look?

“I only did (This horrendous and unfair thing) because you_________.”

This bottom dwelling argument is the same kind as “I only raped her because she was wearing revealing clothes”.

So, Peachy in particular, if you are one of the individuals who uses this reasoning, I hope you feel a dark inky slithering down your spine. You really don’t want to share the same argument as… oh wait. What you lot already do is an assault so I suppose it’s not far off.

“I only abused you because you made it so easy.”

This is victim blaming, gaslighting, and formulaic further abuse all in one container. And context changes everything.

The English language is tricky, and a single word alters the meaning dramatically.

Far too honest I know, but a fair example. The sentence is a personal accusation focused on the victim. The abuser was “only” like that because the victim… did what? Deserve it? How would that change minus that simple piece of the sentence?

“I hurt you because you were so vulnerable.”

The truth laid bare is painful, isn’t it? It sounds much worse. Abusers don’t explain away their behavior the second way. Individuals don’t word their reactions so honestly unless they are accepting some weight.

Let’s see another, more well known version.

“I only hit you because you didn’t listen.”

No one trying to blame the victim skips out on the “Only” part. The abuser knows they are wrong, and is hiding it.

“I hit you because you didn’t listen.”

Do you see the key difference now? Do you think it appropriate to punch someone just because they didn’t do as insisted? Or did something that the abuser didn’t approve of? Is it okay to ever hit someone for anything other than defense? It it okay to lash out verbally instead? How long do bruises last verses barbs?

Be careful of your words, you can’t always take them back.

The danger for victims of violence is life threatening injuries or death. It’s harder and scarier to escape. Certainly it has lifelong lingering effects, frequently physical. – no one is arguing it is lessor. But words are just as dangerous.

I only behaved this way sbecause I wanted to control you.

At first glance the contentious phrasing seems to cause a paradox. How does one describe their own actions if their behavior is triggered? Did they only yell because they were pushed into it? No they didn’t “only” do anything. No victim of reactive abuse has such a simple explanation for what they experience.

What tends to be working at the core of victim is pain that prodded at very naturally turns to anger – for good reason. But it is anger they control. While many raise their voice or can not hide frustration, it doesn’t usually cause damage. And if it does, it’s not dangerous to the emotional assailant.

Reactive abuse can lead to a more explosive result on an inanimate object if the victim is so deeply harassed the hellfire within explodes. But the abuser always walks away feeling satisfied and scot free – particularly if they’ve been able to cry a few crocodile tears into getting sympathy with slickly turned tables.

Let’s be frank about this, anger is a natural human response to being attacked. It’s a defensive mechanism and frequently one all the “best” victims have difficulty with. They’ve usually been through trauma and have specific sore spots abusers work to learn.

The victim tends to do their best to wrap decency around them as tightly as possible while they are bleeding inside. And it is the very important underlying structure of reactive abuse. They’re in pain, and like a wounded animal with a thorn deep in their paw, shoving the damn thing deeper is going to result in a snarl. There are other more mature ways to interact with those suffering emotionally. But that goes counter to, again, control.

The mental twist is built by torturing and tormenting the victim into a negative response, then pointing the finger at that result as a sign they are sick, need help, are crazy, are the abusive one, dangerous, scary, terrifying, and most of all at fault.

Remember, baiting is abusive. Needling, wheedling, barbs and boundary crossing are worse. No matter how much a victim dodges a reaction, sways out of the line of lashes from an uncontrolled tongue, abusers plain do not stop. And there you have the core of the difference between reactive abuse and a more standard kind of emotional violence that is more recognizable.

“You were a mistake!”

Add a physical attack pressed onto the victim? And it’s a toxic brew to the one shouldering the undeserved blame. Particularly if it’s weaker on stronger when it comes to muscles – or combat skills. The skinny dexterous martial artist may know a thousand ways to end a fight – but not when being struck by their partner. Even just restraining wrists can be twisted around.

Good Lugh, combine them? Short, but greatly muscular, Sylvanna with speed and instincts that never faded with time? Just consider every veteran out there living with pain, PTSD and training. Requirements for responsibility seared into them. The perfect invisible victim.

Own your shit.

Usually the more control a victim has over themselves, the more it is likely that strength will become a weapon in the words of the abuser. So no matter your skills, weaker on stronger trumps everything if you’re too honorable to fight back – or know the consequences when the police are called.

There’s a special place in hell for individuals who so twist the goodness of others – should a god fling one there.

Are you supposed to… which part?

Under the puss.

Okay. That’s fair.

So what do the abused say?

They don’t.

They should. But this is not a well understood phenomenon and most feel entirely alone in the situation. Sometimes repeated relationship to relationship because groomed patterns form.

When Sylvanna hit rage, it wasn’t only because of Toad’s relentless microaggressions, disregard for her boundaries, and sheer spite. Certainly those were triggers. But she hit rage because she contains a deep pit of pain within her soul, and is bipolar.

For her, after a certain point anger and sanity just aren’t connected anymore.

Keep that in mind.

Even reality can be snapped apart – but not “only” because of  relentless prodding. And not “only” because she has a mental illness. But because combined they can be lethal.

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[1]Thor’s Hammer. You may have heard of it. But remember the name. It’s going to show up again. A lot. Usually in Sylvanna’s hands – or her argument at least.

[2]As a note from Sylvanna. Women experience this too – but not as much. And since first taking note, I’ve observed it is almost invisible when directed at men – at least to others of all genders.