Sylvanna Devlin

I got in some snacks, some dealcoholized wine, ready to celebrate the season – along with some wine glasses still in their container.

I really shouldn’t have bought them. I won’t be able to afford them next Christmas. But since I did, and they’re special they’re going under the tree.

Self gifting? Are you that lonely? Right now no. I have my cat and Abba (God) and the world has been so fucking painful I both want to save it, and stay out of it. So I am alone but not lonely.

I’ll probably stream the service the local Christian Orthodox Church has. But still not go out.

It might be different this season if there weren’t presents from impulsive me under the tree!

It’s ridiculous I suppose. And I’m searching for justification and explanations but really it’s just more fun that way. The season is better with a fuller tree.

I do recommend it to those celebrating alone but still celebrating. And there are actually probably more who would, if it weren’t for a bare spot reminding them they’re celebrating the holiday by themselves.

Put a fake tree up, just a little one. Put on some ornaments. Pop a luxury item under that tree if you can afford one. I am in luck in that I still have ornaments and a proper box for them I acquired in 2005-2006 or before.

All my decorations save some paper trees and a couple of stuffed creatures are all I’ve acquired since and I was given them. My tree was bought in 2007. My decorative icicles in 2006. They’ve been through lots of moves with me. My ability to cling on to 20 year old decorations is admittedly a sign I love Christmas.

I don’t even know why.

Since I do. I’m celebrating in style in my tiny room in a woman’s Single Room occupancy building. It’s cramped. But I’m still grateful to be here. It’s the season for gratitude I suppose.

Self care wasn’t a concept I entirely understood. I’m learning to wax legs, proper nails are next. Preening was the only aspect I could get behind. I’m sure a glass of wine, heated blanket and a book would count. I should try it.

A lot of people roll their eyes at the very concept, everyone associates the word self with selfishness and care with others kindness. What the hell is this idea?

Well let’s think about the airplane oxygen mask example always given. If you don’t put yours on first you can’t breathe enough to help others. It’s such a conceptual cliche because it’s an idea we can visualize.

For some self care is a spending spree, it’s true. It’s not spiritually invigorating but some find comfort in finding a deal or best quality item. I’m not going to judge. And I certainly wasn’t going to bother last year while in a homeless shelter. But after that slightly crowded environment – with a roommate losing her shit, actually getting sick, and my cat (thankfully) at a friend’s? I could do with a better experience.

So a few modest self purchased presents under the tree.

I didn’t celebrate at all in 2023 either. It just wasn’t an option with the constant audio abuse and it was my first Christmas alone with my cat. So this is Tabiitha”s first actual Christmas with me too.

I can’t explain why it works. It just does. Frankly I could do with sitting with my grief alone and in private, and my stalker kind of makes everyone able to have visuals and maybe even commentary anyway. But it’s better than nothing.

Maybe next year I’ll be more social. But this year at least I’m satisfied with the way I’m celebrating the season.