Sylvanna Devlin

I don’t know what’s going on.

To sum u:p:

I’ve been really depressed but I finally made plans for my life to progress. I’m disabled but I think I can work as a part time ASL translator – I’m just on the waitlist for classes.

I hope to move on to a BS in mathematics and an MA in communication. (I have a BA in communication)

It may take some clerical wriggling. To do both at once. But I could probably persuade them once I’m in the masters program.

I’m mathematically gifted but didn’t pursue it. But now want to work with human computer interaction. With a focus on Data Exhaustion.

There’s a good PHD program in Seattle.

It’s more than placing my identity in my writing.

I wanted to be a writer since I was 9. I’m 47. I’ve gotten pretty good but placed my whole identity on that and it’s not enough.

But I have just received a good review of my self published book and my Dad is very excited and was encouraging.

That meant a lot to me.

I have a sequel planned but am just taking notes right now.

I need to loose some weight and I’d like to bellydance again. But first I need to improve my posture.

My life had me slumped forward and I’m trying to fix it. But I do have the PT tools to help and I remember what to do.

I have a particular spiritual book can take notes on too. The reason I’m on this planet. So I even have a sense of meaning,

I should be okay. But I’m not. My fibromyalgia flared and my lower back is making it hard to move. I feel like I woke in a broken body. I struggle to turn over in bed.

I considered the hospital during a spike yesterday. My tailbone is pulling everything to it and my hips hurt!

They’re just hurdles. Others have managed them before. And that’s a pretty bright future I’ve planned out.

I have the impulse to just give up, but not the ideation. My cat would be annoyed and my sister is going through enough. As is my brother in law. My parents have struggled and it would be like a cannon ball wrecking their well earned calmer lives.

I also had an attempt back last year and don’t want to let the team that saved my life down. It took major surgery and 3 weeks in the hospital.

But I just snapped and want to give up. I snap again and I might. I don’t want to. But I don’t want to be this miserable.

I spend each day “just making it through.” I don’t even know what I’m waiting out anymore.

I can’t do this. I need divine help. The stairs up are before me and I’m collapsed on the first one.

Without going into detail I agreed to stick close to home and focus on my physical health this year. I could practice the ASL alphabet and learn one language. But otherwise it was weight loss and dancing.

I’m currently very isolated.

And my surroundings are toxic.

I need to move and don’t know if I can. Or how. I wasn’t going to, but it became an option despite other circumstances.

I just don’t know how.

It’s imperative I survive. Essential in a way I can’t delve into. But my toxic bullies just say, “Honey, that was gaslighting.”

I should live anyway. Follow the required restrictions. Better to be safe.

It keeps me alive.

I just don’t want to be.