Sylvanna Devlin

Without going into any personal fantasies. I have been a service dom in the past. I’m switch enough I suppose…

I was taught a lot by my favorite cafe in San Francisco, wicked grounds. A kink cafe that was also considered a queer safe space. (That’s what it’s called for those not in the queer community. Please don’t presume to speak for us)

It was fabulous, of course. They might have been the reason my wedding – with my ombré hair down and wild with curls, and my ex spouse in an outfit that was fittingly gender neutral. Dressy, but green and gold and not a dress. I found the pattern admittedly. But it was made by a friend. I forget if a visit to Britex was involved. (A five story house sized fabric store) So my wedding was fabulous too.

I’m used to having a safe space to discuss ideas, being different, and respectful disagreement. So if I have a wild statement it might be listened to and refined. Or disagreement anything but personal.

Clear and open communication is the basis of safe and satisfying kink. I suspect those opposed to my privacy don’t understand that idea. So aftercare might be an entirely new concept.

Couples, threesomes, whatever, often play with kink without ever coming across the idea and practice. It can damage a relationship to forget aftercare.

So what is it?

When red light has been announced, play time is over and the sub gets extra special attention – specifically from the dom. No sub to sub cuddling unless the dom is cuddling too.

Gentleness and an offer of tea help. But the cuddling is ESSENTIAL.

Have I got your attention yet?

Without aftercare part of our psyche feels abused. We may have been into the idea and interested in you. But cuddling and kindness have to follow. Usually before sex. But not always.

Now some both need to collapse in an exhausted heap. I’m not one for immediate post coital anything – particularly not pillow talk. If we’re too hot to touch each other we’re too hot to talk.

But after you both accidentally fall asleep. Cuddling ensues. Warmth, kindness, and tenderness from the dom are essential. Even if it is such a rare sight the intimacy is intoxicating.

Tough as nails you might be. Soft and sweet after a session with a whip are essential.

Sometimes, if it’s good, the sub cries. I never went into kink that deeply. But I certainly read a book on the subject.

Oh yes, beyond rope guides are sub and dom guides. The kink community in San Francisco looked after each other.

Tears or no, aftercare is basically comforting the sub. Light play requires it too. Kink is pointless if your walls aren’t dropping for both of you. And conversation may indeed follow. But it’s close and again, intimate.

You need trust and to clearly communicate with each other first.

Plan your play.

It’s still exciting, I promise you. But remember it’s supposed to be play. Some sessions get really intense (from what I’m told) but it’s still play.

It’s not sex.

You might have sex after.

But people go to professional doms for a reason. And yes there’s after care but it’s not sex. It’s not cheating and it’s not prostitution. Are we clear?

Speaking from the conversation I had with a real dom. A lot of people were interested in “topping” me. But we didn’t have the connection I wanted. So no.

Consent matters

And for the sake of the gods (a saying that avoids blasphemy and makes pagans feel included) do not forget.

Aftercare matters.

Read a book or two on the subject and the position you plan. They’ll probably go into it better than this post.