Sylvanna Devlin

Without going too deeply why I am again approaching Christianity. Since I died and met God – in all his indescribable beauty. It seemed right to try again. With the church I feel closest to.

With spring comes the idea of Repentance. And I certainly have plenty to need to pray for forgiveness. But there is confusion about the meaning of moving forward with the resolution of regret then a petty attempt to try to “take back words”

I said what I did – harassed or no. And an Angel has pulled me from the brink of man’s inescapable evil – crimes of passion. Not suicide that’s a different darker passion with those of us who are a sudden snap.

After wanting to commit suicide for two years it was perhaps inevitable that if pushed enough a passion to die would fill me.

But contrary to popular thought, I was accepted into heaven. Nirvana in a way, except you don’t really become nothing you become part of everything and your consciousness ceases to exist.

You meet God and he heals you completely.

If you have luck like mine, you’ll survive and prove the surgeon knew what he was doing – so that was good. But your body is severely unhappy with your serious overdose.

Much longer ago, by 7 years, almost exactly, I experienced a near crime of passion because my (now ex) spouse wouldn’t leave me alone at all to calm down and cool off.

I would get on the phone with my mother. My voice lowering and becoming languid. And the viscous scorpion returned to continue a fight that was stupid in the first place. He struck at my deepest wound (at the time). That was pretty stupid.

I’ m bipolar, that strangely long fuse was burnt up like intentions paper. I had learnt to dodge, to avoid, to calm instantly. But couldn’t that time.

I didn’t act upon it. But for three seconds I felt it through my core.

Then…

Gold

The color association of what wrapped around me and pulled me back, to stare at this utter fuckwit behaving so stupidly. It was so basic, I instantly felt compassion that he was a simpleton in that moment.

He didn’t understand who and what he was glaring back at. There was no way. I was the biggest dragon in the city at the time. And he loved it. The fear excited him.

Gold.

I never prayed about it – but I wrote a book through the painful PTSD he caused aggravated by developing fibromyalgia. Just to help end reactive abuse and gaslighting.

And God forgives. Particularly if he reaches out to you and you step closer.

There is more than an old battle seven years back. There is yesterday. There is succumbing to hate and spite. There is the fury consuming me.

Baited and barbed I might have felt I had no choice anymore.But when it comes to repentance motivation is less important than change.

I wanted to live a life with no regrets and as I pray this spring and sit with God. I must accept the world doesn’t need perfection, but someone who lost their way and came back.

They need my emotional Tai Chi work. They need my spiritual sign post that provides structure to those who need it outside of religion – but recommends pursuing one for a deeper, older perspective.

They don’t need an Angel. They need a Human. And given the ahhh stringent request I return to earth, it behoves me to fulfill the purpose for my continued existence.

And it’s not as a punching bag for judgmental assholes. Sanctimonious pricks. And those who can’t understand what redemption really means.

What do they have? I hope to God, nothing like my reasons. But perhaps in this time specifically they should give me room to return to the Grace of God without my death being involved again.