Sylvanna Devlin

If we understand all abuse is about control- including reality abuse. And gaslighting is about disguising abuse – so a sign someone wants control, how do we maintain kindness and gentle behavior without having to be a punching bag.

I need to know. I’m close to giving up entirely. My cat came and reminded me she loves me. And to be taken from me would break her heart. The death of the person a support animal is looking after is a pain they don’t recover from.

I am in contact with my family again. I can’t let my mum spend these years grieving her daughter. Nor my dad. My sister and brother in law have enough difficulties.

My brother would feel a loss that is near tangible. We don’t talk much but he needs me to be alive in the world.

And I don’t really want to be.

But the surgeon who saved me put so much effort into an experimental procedure, I can’t let them down.

And I don’t know who made me promise to do everything I could to get better – I was unconscious at the time. But I agreed and also promised to god I would.

And the assholes around here are taking advantage of that need to protect them. There are no consequences and this society is so abusive, their bullshit isn’t even noticed.

How do I protect my soul from hate and anger? How do I avoid letting those surface. This is the time to seek redemption. I must somehow learn to be the sweet heart I want to be – not their definition which is a pawn and a patsy.

But simply immune to the abuse society hurls and remain nice in the face of scapegoating, gaslighting, torment, maybe torture, and cumulative abuse from an entire herd.

I have no desire to be a spiritual leader but to light the path towards one. My books are to communicate and for some inspire. And I hope my insights useful at least.

But I make a very good second in command.

I hate being in charge but want my support recognized and respected. Sans a leader I write. But it’s either being taken as I spell or has been stolen and the books used to lie and manipulate.

How am I to survive this?

Well I’ve come up with the methodology and posted such. But knowing what to do helps no one if I would rather die than be in this position anymore.

That’s the main issue. I had my books to write and keep me alive. And now I don’t. My family keeps me attached to this world by a thin thread. I have no other reason to live.

And I don’t want to, personally I want out.

Sure I have survival techniques now. But I don’t want to use them. I want out.

My environment is chaos and I decided tidying and cleaning counts as self care, so am marginally motivated to fix it. If I can decide to care for myself there’s always the one thing a day technique.

Just one thing turns to 30 things in a month and is certainly more than nothing. Maybe one thing a day will cheer me up.

But that’s still personal. I have the footsteps ahead to get better and pursue mathematics again. All the micro movements and necessities. Yet my environment is so toxic it takes all my energy just to live.

And I don’t know what to do.