Sylvanna Devlin

At least until dawn.

No not winter solstice – though that would have been appropriate.

And not the Easter vigil

But it felt like it.

But truth will out and now, no one knows what. So some of us are up late wondering “what the fuck?” And this particular individual is exhausted after constantly checking my vitals and witnessing extremely high numbers for blood pressure.

186/127!high. I didn’t realize how high the diastolic number could get that high. And the 170-180 systolic range stayed about there for two and a half hours.

I didn’t write down the initial result of 200/156 as I was pretty sure that had to be a mistake.

But while any sensible person would have packed up her cat and called an ambulance. I was far too pissed off to be sensible.

I was going to be uncomfortable and impatient and too annoyed to be around another human. I would likely have been admitted for medical observation and a psychiatrist would have wanted to talk to me to.

Yeah I’ve been so depressed I wanted out. But right now I’m too mad to die about it. So I’m up late with a body that turned to gelatin, slightly wishing I hadn’t decided sugar was out right now.

I felt like I had been psychologically crucified, tried killing myself, and then another go was made on killing me.

Over stigma

Compounded by doubling down that I had to be a monster because you were beginning to feel a tad uncomfortable with the situation.

You (the individuals who were assholes to me, not everyone) didn’t want me to have success. You didn’t want my well written books to be written by me. You didn’t want me to be pretty and with my body intact.

You didn’t view me as apex – as complained about. You viewed me as lesser. As went understood by everyone else.

I’m neither thank you.

I’ve been lied to by almost everyone. Gaslighted, corralled, mocked, and driven to either an existence of filth, oblivion, or suicide.

No on wanted to be the one to reveal just how lied to and abused I had been – as if I didn’t notice. The lies and lies and lies, told by others made me paranoid. As did everyone who knew the truth but couldn’t admit it.

Abuse is noticeable too by the way.

My neighbor is so rude as to be reading this aloud right now. And another rude arsehole tried to suggest what I wrote, while another rude arsehole tried to warn me what not to say before I was fucking finished.

I’d like to swear less and tone down my understandable verbal vitriol. But things like that make me second guess second guessing myself.

I’ll try to be nicer, but you’re all still behaving like arseholes.

Surveillance the government needs hacked into by entitled what-nots who don’t understand how the NSA – and their brainy computers – can have my permission but not you.

Really? Or do you just not to admit to being part of the largest nonsensical security leak one can imagine.

Over stigma.

I’m trying to settle down after a heart attack here. Thank you. My muscles need potassium because they gave up on tension. I’m fucking done.

So should that AI be.

So should people being rude arseholes by hacking into my private journal – then commenting.

I had planned to make this an entry just to blow off steam. But the continued harassment and attempts to control me changed my mind

Over stigma.

Do you not understand what stigma means?

Or do you not care?

Let it go.

Let me go.

Let go of my work.

And worry over yourselves, your growth, work and development.

You’re going to be nosy so I’m going to need to level up a bit. But shut the fuck up while intruding on my life.

Do you not understand boundaries? Do you need a fucking map? The golden rule isn’t good enough for you?

I won’t hold my breath you’ll so mind your business so well you learn not to nag and giggle. Comment and (sometimes incorrectly) correct.

Mind yourselves.

Do it into a pillow or something.

So we’ll start with baby steps.

No

More

Fucking

Gaslighting

Okay?

You don’t have my permission, I’m just not stupid. Stay active enough to help the NSA secure the leaks. I don’t want you to. But it’s your embarrassment come due.

Just, let’s all start with stopped lying.

It’s the least you could do.