Sylvanna Devlin

Teachers, when I was in school , threatened “this will go on your permanent record” and we all rolled our eyes. “Yeah right, on microfiche.”

Things have changed. The digital signature- unless so old the data becomes corrupted- is lasting. And I think we’ve become less forgiving as a culture and that’s not helping us.

I found out, through some pretty hard knocks, how frustrating it is that we are now no longer given room to make mistakes, learn and progress. We are always that person who didn’t do something correctly because they hadn’t done it ever.

It’s unreasonable.

If we fuck up interpersonally we need to be given room to improve. But now once “the asshole” always the asshole – even if you never were one.

I mean sure, exes always carried grudges. But that’s exes for you. Now they cyber stalk the ones they are bitter about and if it ended messily continue to shit on them.

My ex spouse- well there are complicated feelings there. He became an asshole yet I protected his identity in my book based on the events of our relationship.

He’ll always be the asshole I used to love. To me, but potentially me alone.

I genuinely hope he learns from his mistakes and moves on. Grows and doesn’t repeat them. That’s for him and his friends to worry over. I don’t have to change my personal perspective on him to hope and give him room to change his own perspective on himself.

Continuing to avoid an abusive ex is pretty normal. But complaints with ex friends, fre-enemies, the exes of others might need to be a little looser than those we hold for former romantic partners.

Be forgiving.

It’s hard.

Particularly when someone is annoyed or annoying or behaving with both in mind.

Sometimes we have to ask if a comment is productive- theirs or you’res.

Omg that can be hard.

Baiting is used because it works.

Academically, in work, and general life. We need to make mistakes to learn. And we need to let the past go.

That’s hard too.

No one is asking you to like your ex. But maybe only trash them with a pseudonym if you really can’t resist. And everyone else, reserve judgement unless the issue is heinous.

I am asking that the general populace forgive the general populace about most mistakes – if you even get upset in the first place.

If we are forgiven for being wrong maybe it will be easier to admit!

Being more patient and understanding is certainly a good goal to have. But some roll their eyes at the words. Or they don’t see why.

Compassion is important. But unless it’s deeply spiritual it doesn’t bring happiness really, it just prevents abject misery with oneself.

Which is important. But can weigh on your heart with grief still. The regular version. I’m not at liberty to describe the kind God has for mankind. And that he encourages us to share in

But to forgive.

Now that brings lightness.

Apologies can help you too. But nothing is as likely to unshackle your soul as to forgive.

That’s also hard sometimes.

And you may not want to while you need your frustration to convince you to form an exit strategy.

But then forgive those that wronged you.

Wait to turn the other cheek until it can’t be slapped. That’s where I disagree with traditional philosophy as well. But don’t add fuel to the situation either!

Simply not escalating is important. It can be difficult. God sometimes you just want to snap back with the hope to silence the subject.

But it doesn’t always work.

Escape, then let it go.

Hard things are still worth doing. Or trying to do, just trying is a greater success than not at all.

Forgive them. Do not hold on to a grudge. It will weigh you down. It is grief in perpetuity and the only way to ever come to terms with soured relationships and crap from strangers is to forgive them.

I found it easier to do if I understood why someone behaved a certain way. But my lesson has been that’s not always my business. I just have to trust there’s a reason.

Get away or settle down a situation. And forgive.

Now complaints are I haven’t just taken abuse like a sponge that doesn’t even have the privacy and safety at home to “wring it out”.

No I haven’t. I’m not suggesting you do. Some situations need to change and some of those take shaking things up.

It’s true of politics too.

And sometimes we’re just not ready.

Just when you can.

What about the freedom to make mistakes and learn from them. Particularly with an actual permanent record?

We need a cultural shift. To forgive is a personal process. To have patience for the learning curve (academically and outside) is something we need to do together.

But I have to get back to you with ideas on how to get everyone to let things go. Or not even be bothered in the first place. Just that you should have a right to fail forward like all successful individuals.

Does everyone forget Apple kicked out Steve Jobs at first? Oops. They nearly bombed out of existence.

They got him back and complaints about being demanding started. But he pulled that company out of the ground and into the mainstream.

Can you imagine what would have happened if he wasn’t willing to give them another shot?

He might have (secretly) at one point felt he failed because he lost his position initially. But he learnt. Recovered and became one of the world’s most successful individuals in history.

Give yourself room to fail forward. Make mistakes. Learn from them. Do something else or get better at it. And please give everyone the same freedom to do so.

And if you need to see it as forgiveness? Fine. If it’s not simply being unbothered in the first place, forgive them.

Both will lighten your heart.