Sylvanna Devlin

From “Game Over”

In the summer of 2003, I was hurrying my way up the News Steps in Edinburgh to a Job interview. The steep and long stairway tended to be quiet, but it was the quickest route from where I lived to C-Venues. And I didn’t mind a bit of clambering.

Somewhere about half-way up, barely sheltered by the hint of an alcove, I was stopped by a young gentleman not far from my age. His hair was dark blond perhaps, Maybe lighter, but dirty. It fell in soft waves to his shoulders.

At least I think so. He emanated a unique yellow-gold that distracts the

memory. He asked if I had spare change and I had none. I apologized and explained I was hoping to find work that afternoon.

He wished me luck and asked that I pray for him, telling me his name. Michael.

I promised I would, and got the job – to start the next day. I went home to a cup of tea and an old handspring palmtop with fold-up keyboard. From my fingertips poured a poem about Michael’s plight, and all those weary from the elements.

I had seen too many lost souls that summer perhaps. I don’t know. When I went back to look for him, he was gone. I moved and no longer needed the stairs. Then I moved again…

I’ve thought about Michael over the years, the poem crossing my path at least once a month every month, sometimes several times a week. So in my own way I still pray for someone I knew for at most five minutes – but left his mark on me.

Writing “Game Over” was very difficult. So as I began, I placed this poem at the back to remind me. Some people can tear you down over years. But some can build you up in the time it takes to boil a kettle.

I married one, and the other is a faded memory. But only one of them will continue to fill me with a sense of love into the next decade. The day I met him is almost an anniversary before the fight to end all fights. In that way, I’ve known Michael longer.

I still hope he’s okay, and pray his life got better; he’s alive and has a comfortable place to live. And that he’s generally happy. Of all the homeless I have stopped to talk to. He shines out among them.

If you’re listening for prayers still, Michael; may you have escaped society’s edges, and survive this century’s turbulence with wealth in your pockets.

—————————————————————————-

I am apart.

It rains and I have no shelter.

So in shadows and arches I hide,

And I am never seen.

Walking past me are the lives of others,

Never knowing where they tread.

I have been witness to all in time,

But none within my reach.

Look at me and see your fear,

Humanity stripped bare.

I am the truth of all,

And I have nothing.

Share with me this body,

And you shall know my journey.

I am educated by all I see,

But none will know my name.

The need for your sweet charity,

Keeps me within your world.

Pennies you think little of,

Are my only ties.

Yet this fragile bond I hold,

Finds me seeking hope.

Like all the others passing,

I seek proof of life.

I am wet.

I am hungry.

I am cold.

And I am filled by this.

Look at me and see a brother,

For I belonged to someone.

Can you really safely say

I am none of your concern?

I am of your flesh and blood,

My fate is yours as well.

The homeless have a face,

And today that face is mine

It’s time to stop surfing the wave started in the sixties and swim with the other fishes. What the hell does that mean? Women’s suffrage in America started in 1848 with a meeting of the minds. 

Women gathered and protested, built ships when men went to war, then bounced back into the iconical fifties, that were only good for straight white men but are remembered fondly by people who weren’t born yet. 

But then the sixties happened. Protests, books, bra burning that is used as an insult akin to flag burning. (Come on). We were afraid of being called “bra burning feminists” So tougher women wrote the books and took the heat. But at that point women were groomed to compete for men and tore the shit out of each other. TERFs probably formed out of jealousy for yet another woman to compete with – got to tear her down somehow. First wave feminism.

Second wave feminists ditched the anti transgender rhetoric and became inclusive. Still afraid of the non insulting insult of being called a bra burner, many women needed second wave feminism but women who lead the charge were still “manish”.  

Now men are joining the feminism and suggesting the softness they want to have part of them isn’t softness at all but love, caring, and tenderness. #metoo should be joined by #mentoo but there is a battle that men are encroaching on women spaces and topics.

But if we want change we need all voters on board and very soon straight white old voters will be in the minority. Let’s be fair, some women don’t seem to be helping us much by clinging to exclusivity and accusing male feminism (yes that’s a thing) of just more men grabbing the spotlight.

Look that spotlight is there. You want it? You fucking take it. But women are still afraid the more power they have the more powerless men feel and won’t have them. Have these women met men? I mean yes. There are (in all five genders) those more wary of strength so many hide their power from their partners. While others only take it by cutting others down.

Which is where third wave feminism comes in. We have women, gender queer, a-gender, gender fluid, and men. Equality looks a little different from just wanting to fucking be able to vote. And all second wave really has established is they’re not TERFS and they don’t “burn bras”. Bet you would have if you needed to. But you don’t. Those women you mock took the heat and the singledom so you can sit there distancing yourself? I think not. 

Third wave feminism is solidarity. It’s reaching out a hand to all genders and flooding places with applications. It’s pulling women up with them not stepping on their backs and it is indeed already happening.

It’s realizing women have power and numbers but need to solidify what we want. Which is frankly a women president.

But women lead from behind. They focus on cooperation and lifting others. While Men politicians tend to chomp at the bit in front – some scoffing at the input of others. Third wave feminism is saying our way counts too. Hilary Clinton was the kind to encourage and tried to enter a “Man’s world” with a mix. Her history said no, you share. Her attitude was “No. I’m in charge” and everyone went “Oh really?” But she was up against Obama first so fuck her frankly. It wasn’t the right time.

What we need is for women – all of us. To fucking vote. We need minorities to have access to polls and the poor not need to wait in a fucking long ass queue just to scribble on some paper or hit some dots.

Though I’m digressing a little. Third wave feminism accepts that the power is there but that means drawing the heat and some of the other genders would like to take that fire on and still be considered a part of us. It’s Trans inclusive, it’s friendly to men caregivers, it’s everything we already are starting to see, but haven’t yet identified.

Good job folks, the future is here. Let’s be less afraid of it.

When we imagine heaven we tend to think of green open fields and a pleasant sky, maybe standing on fluffy white clouds, but most of us see green. This view is likely a hint into Al-Sama-Al-Danya the first level of heaven.

This mental image is rooted in our psyches. Healthy green environments have food maybe even safety. Perhaps the historical garden of Eden was a place of plenty and protection at the base of the Tigre’s and Euphrates where a lake now sits.

An Exodus from the garden would seem like punishment and story of a flood and all the animals running beside us would heavily inform our mythology.

The story of Eve would be the gatherer who dropped a seed and noticed it grew, Adam would have tilled the soil curious if this “seed” theory was true. The first scientists.

If the Garden of Eden is in our Pysches as a sense of home we long for, perhaps we can imagine the first level of heaven. A place of going home. Maybe each of us walk steps informed by our imagination of a home to go to.

In my case cold stone steps on a wet winter day leading up to a simple door. Inside a window to brilliant Christmas tree and welcoming friends. A sense of home permeating through the large green door. It looked warm and initiating and is the closest one comes to receiving notice of what is will look like when they first enter heaven – our attachment to the visual world shaping all we see and who we meet.

The idea of “Home” and wanting to go there for me is heavily influenced by moving around so much I didn’t really feel that anywhere. I certainly felt that way about my childhood in idyllic rural Lancashire. But heaven and perfection, the glow of gold light and open fields to play in, is very different for a child. My sister wasn’t as happy.

It was a real place and a real time I tried to return to and much of my family grieved, but it just isn’t the same anymore and really I would never be as happy as that child playing in the local stream. It wasn’t really Al-Sama-Al-Danya but my memory and yearn for such innocence and verdant surroundings made the sense of that door seem all the more magnetic. Am I home yet?

Some see stairs, some a golden ladder. We can not really imagine the full truth of a place of healing but we can feel it calling to us. The wronged who commit suicide out of loss often end there. If they find freedom in death. Otherwise the weeping soul will take you to purgatory to wait before you try again, if Allah is kind you try again right away and that can be unappealing to many.

When else do we feel such safety beyond emotional intimacy? Perhaps that is why we are so loved crazed and really hunt out the safety and vulnerability of sexual encounters that go beyond general rutting.

I have certainly heard the joke that sleeping with the right partner is “going to Nirvana” and the right interaction can indeed be so emotional, so connected, so life affirming some of us wonder why anyone bothers without. A Demisexual for you I suppose.

If you haven’t moved around so much, or felt such intimacy, or walked the steps up, the end can seem intimidating and out of reach. Certainly we must earn passage up with a good life and what that is has many religions guiding us to the same place. All are the hands of god. Catholic, Orthodox, Islam, Judaism, and Buddhism will certainly get you there. Maybe Hindi too though I know little of those traditions. But the guidance for what it means to be good is there.

If you need it. Some atheists are born with a moral compass that does not stray. You can be a good person without praying to god. But the community and the path there. And is just a little easier to take if you accept things moving around my room on there own are a sign there’s another world we don’t see.

Nothing will take you to Allah’s bosom faster than tragedy, but nothing can strip you of him just as quickly as the same. He will reach out a hand, and if you reach back and walk towards it, he will take it and pull you closer. Just don’t let go.

Ha! I’m one. To talk! If this is a repeat sorry. I couldn’t find it and didn’t sleep last night.

In general there are a few things we all want to know. How do we live? How do we ascend? How do I leave behind a world worth living in? Well there’s a one step process to being a contributing part of society. Get some fucking sleep. Then? Make sure everyone else does. To do that, fucking learn to fucking cooperate or add to the conversation if you won’t. (Sorry, working on the language thing, but seriously)

Predictable right? I had only been ranting since I woke that morning why sleep is everything to all of us.That’s the message. If you accept and understand why that’s the fundamental answer to everything we have problems with? You can skip everything else but may find it interesting.

But some of you won’t fucking listen. Which I do understand because everyone tells me something different then complains I didn’t listen. Weee a shell game again! I can practically hear people screaming “Yes. That is the problem. No one listens to me either and my name isn’t ‘Sylvanna’! I’m Not even in whatever game ‘They’ are playing!”

Let’s go with something easy, no not demons, ghosts, malevolent spirits, the fae, or any other supernatural scapegoat you can come up with. There’s a They. Not the pronoun but what do you want? Consortium? Their motives could be along the lines of the rapture science style, anxiety etc. I don’t know. I almost don’t care. And an Us. As in the rest of us who think the world can be and is worth saving though we do have days we question the latter.

Yes there are people who simply don’t want life to get better. And instead want it over. I do sympathize, oh how I do. It’s hard work. And I was absolutely 100% against all the effort it took to improve. To being in a world with so much suffering and pain. And I wanted out again when I did recover. I’d be a hypocrite if I said it didn’t seem pleasant. And what’s the alternative? Hell? I don’t believe it’s anything but a pit of demons and a place in Nevada. Reincarnation? Yes? Forget that it’s almost worse. I got lucky with my experiences. I tried again and it would be joining the queue to end up as a bunny or something.

So what do “They want”? To take everyone with them. Why? Not sure. Who else is there? Rich bastards frankly. And Politicians. Mostly anyway. Lawmakers, the people who fund them and any power below the throne.

What about them? You are not going to convince anyone to change anything unless you persuade them to let everyone fucking sleep on it. Get some good nigh-nigh. The cultural and foundational changes we would have to go through to get enough sleep would be huge. And a good crack into truly creating new structures that benefit all of us. Damn it’s the one thing we agree on. No one is sleeping enough. Not who isn’t so depressed they have other issues, or are manic and don’t need sleep. But in general we could do with agreeing on something to change. And being too tired is an across aisles issue.

Then what? We work at what we can. Do we have to agree 100%? No. But we need to look at why we don’t and work on those. 

Voters with little income vote against progression? Wtf? Well do something about their situation and then see. Scapegoating stops when there is nothing to scapegoat for. Because in our society we rightfully don’t want to see bright lights extinguished by those floating in the dark. And be fair left of left and be patient. Easier said I know. But there’s only so much we can change on our end before solidifying the ground beneath the other. 

Do we want to? Some of us no. But the rest of us see the practicality in raising up to stop “the gays” from being blamed rather than just pointing out how wrong that is. Good luck with that all the while they go hungry and pundits gave a (Godwins law incoming) surprisingly Nazi-esque solution which is to blame anyone other than those in power. We want people to stop bitching about “The gays” we put food in their belly. No seriously that’s how scapegoating works. 

Oh god how we hate each other right now. Like we will never get along again. People held their nose or their wallet and voted for [fill in the blank] the rest of us hate. The blame good lord the blame. And those convinced equity does not mean we all have enough but that to have it we have to take from them to give to others. Do people want less when they have very little? No. So let’s fix that then fix opinion of who to really point the finger at – looking at you pundits on either side.

Yes today on both sides are just as bad… it’s not true. One side is for sure worse than the other, when it comes to leaders and atrocities done. But that’s for as stated reasons in voters and control and manipulation in politicians and rich people.Seriously stomachs first brains second. Is it right? Who cares. It works.

Is one side (Left most likely) going to help the hungry?) Yes. But Jesus Christ (Sorry God) build a fucking platform on that for once in your impractical lives. Left will likely vote left. You want moderates or those borderline you tell them what’s in it for them. This should be so fucking basic. But we focus on why we should be voted for vs why we should vote for them. Do you see the difference? It’s slight but present. Forget you, this isn’t about you. It’s about them.

It’s about us.

All of us. Lefts complain about politicians who are too moderate – basically calling them right wing. And protest vote or don’t vote because who they have isn’t left enough. Come on how do you expect progress to happen? But they’re assholes! Sure but they think the same of you. All they think of are themselves! Here’s a trick I learnt from a miserable existence. It’s hard not to be selfish when your world is that upside down. Not impossible to avoid. Some have to be pushed quite far before focusing on their own needs. But eventually pain will put you there. Maybe it’s not them. Maybe it’s their circumstances. 

Okay, but there are racist fucks and learnt from their parents to be racist fucks. A problem. I agree. Remove the reason for scapegoating and you have voters not progressives and that kind of equity shouldn’t even be a disagreement. But I have searched and searched from where that form of hate comes from and all I can find is a way to blame someone, either the one who wronged great grandpappy or somehow grandad ended up needing someone to blame and skin tone seems to be enough. 

Addressing foundational issues gets some. Even the great grandfather version is usually involved in perceived inequity or scapegoating. Or othering in an animal territorial nature. But those routed in the deep evils who have enough sleep and have been doing the wrongdoing for centuries? Sorry. I’ve tried understanding that level – even from the perspective behind scapegoating, othering and pure animal warfare – and just can’t understand why evil exists. I’ve tried. I can’t. And don’t want to. Those are hopefully a manipulative minority and the rest we can drag to the left a little.

What is evil? Okay no short answer so that’s another post. Short version is a cognizant manipulative force that will drag your soul under at all costs. So seriously stop the racism stuff because God is going to need to give you another round or two if not sitting it out in purgatory I don’t care how much you love “Prayer without change”. You don’t want to come back as a nematode so you should do some navel examination then get some sleep, and ensure everyone else does too.

Computer security has become such an issue I’ve been obsessed with looking for a solution. Bugs in Bluetooth aside, as I have an answer to that issue which requires variable frequencies and a lot of Geometry. I promise you eyes would glaze over. Short version? You can’t turn it off completely because you would never find anything again if you could!

What we really need is a new CPU and something other than Binary. Hackers are going after the OS now – a reboot seems necessary. 

So if we need to go back go the drawing board on security why can’t we simply change the way circuits work? Ha Simple! Bullshit. Okay getting a fuse type thing into a CPU would be challenging but hear me out.

Circuits are just as they sound, a loop. And there is either power going through that loop or there isn’t. O, 1 ad nausum. That gets Processed, (Hence the other name CPUS are known by), and the. CPU tells the rest of the computer “Hey we’ve got a 0110001… here.”

So what if we added a step? On off, as normal, and stop go? It can either pass through if it’s on or not? Quadniary. How would the mathematics of Trinix or whatever work? Good thing 2 is also a prime number. Nope I’ve lost you.

0,1,11, 01

I don’t know. Maths is weird.

Fine sure it means nothing unless you grew up with those roses made out of zeros and ones and practically see binary in your sleep (I wish I was kidding). We would need to go back to the Quad equivalent of Bios, Quadros or something. We could bug Microsoft and Apple to start over with their operating systems entirely. But I doubt they would be interested unless Quad Bluetooth was an option!

I‘ve lost you again haven’t I? (I’m tired I almost typed Eye). So here’s what we’re looking at, if I skip over various security issues normally associated with the hush agreement of a job. We have a hacker problem. It’s easy now and we’ll leave alone why. Just that a hardware and operating system, back-door type issue is indeed going to cause havoc if we don’t stop bitching about computer engineers securing computers.

Seriously? Come one. Next you’ll complain about… nope my computer just gave me a look. You probably already do but I shouldn’t talk about that either. Sheesh.

Look, here’s the thing. I don’t know anything about the guy, (Elon Musk) Tesla Shmeschler. He does software and designed the operating system of a car. That’s a whole new functionality of a computer for those not impressed. Oh Hey, Elon Musk? Mind giving this post a glance over? What do you say to new hardware? Lots and lots of mathematicians? And maybe the Linux community getting excited again because they were hit the hardest?

Oh my god Sylvanna, drop the tech talk what the fuck would we need to do?

Well the CPU would need to change, RAM would have the same functionality but different slots, so you have to replace the whole thing The graphics card and hard drive are probably fine but the former needs a whole new driver and the later I don’t know. Certainly a new plug and maybe giving up on the old stuff entirely running the world.

Kind of like USB 2.0 becoming Mini-USB

Oh got you back again. Tech companies are about to hit the end of how small they can make things and are running out of innovation which will slow the whole market down and fewer computers sales means fewer jobs for software engineers, and no I don’t think so.

Ah yes, good old supply and demand. This doesn’t exist yet, but the demand does. We need faster, more flexible and variable hardware and operating systems that can keep up.

Software on top is icing once you have those and security will at least take a lot longer to unravel! Viruses? I don’t know, that’s what Cyber Security is for. Well one thing.

Sure yes, Adobe would be annoyed. But they’re not (As far as I have read) being… oh wait PDF and acrobat is under fire. Never mind. We need this folks. Like I need my cat. (Just a plug for the picture really). Yes, I am in a loopy, loopy mood and thus circuits are a stop and go mess in my head. (Sorry it was there). In short software would need ground up new structure. This would have to move in the background then annoy Hollywood once Adobe does decide to run on something new. Meanwhile rest of us could enjoy some damn peace of mind!

Or make a lot of people lose sleep thinking about how to do it, which is better than losing sleep over keeping out criminals!

There are a lot of philosophies about healing from abuse. Step one always being get the fuck out of the abusive situation. Easier said than done I know, but also easier said than known to be done.

Here’s what no one fucking told me ever. If someone is abusive get out, get out always, and if they’re family have a relationship from a distance. Abusive people are not going to stop being abusive to you not matter how much you love them. How much couples therapy you drag them to. No matter what you do to appease and care for them they are not going to stop while they have you.

Fucking get out.

Do not breed with them

Do not begin an abusive cycle where they can pass on their shitty behavior to an offspring by being shitty to them.

Let abusive fucks die out. Okay?

Not an option? It’s your parent or their other qualities as so overwhelmingly positive you’re willing to laugh at bad behavior? Well in the latter they had better not dent your sense of Humour but chances are likely they will.

We’re talking abuse here. No just bad behavior. Bad habits, negative argument tactics, lashing out, grumping about are all things therapy and/or medication can take care of. I’m talking about using you up. But here’s the key; no one in life gets a cookie for having a worse lot and no one in life gets to tell you what you should or should not put up with.

Abuse is a problem when it crushes you. It will always crush you. Anything else is assholery. But the latter becomes a huge problem when you have a history of the former weighing upon you and no one – particularly not a spouse – gets to tell you that you’re being “too sensitive”. Fuck that. Try rubbing your skin with a Brillo pad then adding hot sauce to that. Different kinds of irritant way worse in the latter if you are more than a little raw.

Should you try to heal your skin first? Of course. But we don’t ever get over being abused we move on. What you need is to break the cycle. Abused people get into other abusive relationships because they were groomed into it or because the pattern is familiar maybe even exciting. Few love like an abusive ass who wants to make up for it. There are some that do – for sure there are some. And they usually end up in abusive relationships too.

Abusive assholes find non-abusive people to bully. And then think they are in the right. Get the hell out, away, apart. Start with a weekend to cool your head. It may take several shots and if it’s violent, run fucking far.

Abusive dicks do it for a sense of power and control, they do not like losing their chew toy. If being solicitous doesn’t work more abuse is headed your way because they can’t fucking let go till you’ve changed your number or put there nose so throughly out of joint (figuratively speaking of course) that they see losing you as a good thing.

I certainly advocate two people from bad relationships getting into good ones afterwards if they’re going to try again. But it’s likely therapy would be involved in between. And I advocate two (or more) people getting into relationships who haven’t developed all the hang ups and baggage abused people do. But fuck judging another for carrying weight with them. Once abused they need it to avoid getting abused again.

Let me make this unusually clear. Helpful, kind, sweet people are a magnet for abusive assholes. Please keep being helpful, kind and sweet. But learn the warning signs. Read up on the flags and listen to that instinct that something is wrong.

The big warning signs?

Is the word “No” an issue? Yes? Run.

Are they extra critical of your social network and try to separate you? Escape now.

Did they make you cry the first week you met them? Yes? For gods sake don’t let there be a second.

Do you have a pit of nerves that feels like trusting this person is just not what you want to do? For fucks sake you are not just overly anxious don’t and don’t get involved. Even if it was just you get some therapy first because you’ll make the other one miserable.

Now, do I have trust issues? Of course I do. But here’s the difference never, not once, don’t ever test another person. If you struggle to trust just let things take extra time and go through a few more ups and downs together before you do. No prodding, poking, or policing. Relationships can and should be better than that.

Have good boundaries. Date people who respect those boundaries is a shorter simpler way to put that.

Say you have no choice, the asshole is a parent. You have some healing to do and therapy isn’t enough. You need a new mindset before you can walk away and fuck this time heals everything because it doesn’t sometimes the more a wound, emotional or otherwise, is left to fester the worse it gets when it can’t be ignored anymore.

How bad are we talking? Well from miss bottle it up I’d say a suicide attempt is up there on the plausible list from those who don’t handle pain well. So I’m one to talk.

Don’t try to confront or get closure with the other person. It doesn’t work. If they’ve done a few particularly awful acts it can help to know just what the fuck they were thinking but that has limits.

My father kicked me out and took the key and told mother he thought I’d get violent. What the actual fuck? Where the hell did he get that idea? No never mind that’s a rabbit hole of fuckery and I’m done before I start. It’s too late now.

He had his reasons and he fucked up my life because of them. I don’t trust that he told mother the truth and never will because he’s the kind of asshole to kick someone out. And even if it were just fear taking the keys is a little fucking malicious unless you think I’m sneaking back to kill you in your sleep and in that situation again, what the actual fuck? No never mind it’s going to be stupid and just piss me off.

That’s what you’re looking at when seeking “closure” the reasoning is never going to be true/accurate/reasonable and we want one. We do do. We so badly do. But “broken by their parents” is really all there is too it when you get to the bottom of the “why would you believe that” barrel.

If it’s just general abuse without an “ending act”? Still get out. And still don’t try to seek closure from them. The best you end up more upset or even in a long discussion that does no good, the worst you get sucked back in.

So what now? If time leaves things to fester and closure is a stupid concept by someone who hasn’t been abused but might have been “mistreated” what can you do to heal and maybe stop the cycle of abuse because sometimes abused people become abusive themselves.

First, yes it does indeed involve some time after you’ve gotten some distance. Then what you need is what I call a philosophy of grief. Because what else is the wounding of abuse than the grief of what could have been or even what should be? You know you deserve better, or even if you don’t, you know you want better. And you plain didn’t get it. And aren’t going to get it from them. That deep rooted sadness is more than death. It’s living on scarred – sometimes physically. That’s in some ways harder.

I used to think nothing was wasted in a writers life but if the bullshit keeps you from writing that’s certainly not true and what if you’re not a writer. A better philosophy is in order. How to cope with the suffering another heaped on you.

How do you cope with suffering at all?

One thing is true about eastern philosophy life inherently has suffering – from the times a hunt failed to the house hunt from hell, survival or comfort we do not lead happy glowy lives with nothing bad ever happening. And it benefits no one to prevent otherwise. What we need to do is cope with it.

Do we journal, talk to the wind, talk to a therapist, talk to friends or family? All of them? What do we do? Actually yes, all of them. Or as many as we have options to. We help others. We pet a cat. We care for our bodies and trim unwanted hair. A lot of us get a hair cut. We change. Remember my saying when hope dies change and there’s not greater grief in the world than losing hope.

Reframing the past helps it you can put it in positive terms. That’s true. But it can bog you down in details. Changing something, anything, everything will get hope going again. But do not change gods. Just because another person or animal has heaped injuries on you (looking at you flies who commit fly-strike) doesn’t mean your god isn’t listening. It’s a sign people or potentially insects got there first.

What if you have no god?  You’re an atheist or agnostic and taking a break from the concept of spirituality entirely? What then? Does change really bring back hope?

No. Positive change does. But sometimes it’s a rough fucking road to that positive change. And meanwhile we’re fucking miserable, and wallowing in the misery of the past. Then when we start to get better we grieve over what we need to do/missed doing while we were under. Getting better sometimes doesn’t seem desirable either without a cradle of some kind.

Does it help to know why abuse exists? Maybe. But the answers are unsatisfactory. Is it territory? Why do we want power and control? To be less anxious is that really all it is? To make people actually help us? Is that why we want wealth? What’s the point of sitting on a few billion dollars unless we don’t understand the numbers because it’s not in bars of gold? What’s the point of sitting on Fort Knox without spending it on the poor? Conservative should mean conserving culture and values not money. Is abuse about money? Usually actually. Even when you don’t have any.

Abuse is in the lizard brain. It says for you to have more I must have less. Three berries to me instead of five and I’ll hit you over the head till I. have five.. It does not account for a society that could have equal access to basic needs if we were more cooperative. It’s in the animal instinct to fight over food and even then we see cats give to others before taking for themselves. But in general there are a few shared attitudes.

This happened to me and I turned out okay.

Did you really? I mean do you like that about you? I’m willing to bet not. And just because your dad did it isn’t a good enough reason for you to either. This isn’t the foolish jump off a bridge analogy – though I have a comment on that. It’s that behaving in the same way as your parents without examining the harm it does is not responsible or even reasonable if you want love in life.

Which brings us back to what’s the point of all of this?

Money doesn’t buy happiness but it sure as fuck helps. But without love in our life that happiness is meaningless. Compassion is important but we wouldn’t be so love crazed if it wasn’t a fundamental need emotionally. For gods too by the way.

So what gives? What is abuse really? A fight over imaginary resources?  A fight over emotional resources? Actually in the case of the latter, yes.

We’ve evolved past the point of needing to hit someone over the head to get berries. But while most people will argue abuse it about power and control, usually not having some, it doesn’t explain those at the top unless they’re suffering massive imposter syndrome and no amount of power and control will make them feel like they actually have that.

A separate situation for a separate book.

But power and control is at the root a fight over resources including the all important attention. Abusive assholes want your attention, want it right now, want you to do everything they say,  and sure as fuck don’t seem to care that you have different wants, needs, and plans. They might when they’re not lashing out. But when they are it is because somewhere in their life they’re not getting the resources they need. Emotionally counts for that too.

Okay fine but there are nice unloved people.

Are there? Or are they loved by someone or at least a god?

Which brings us to the interesting idea if grief is the root of all suffering – which it is – what love is this we don’t have – a dearly fucking need as much as water?

What the fuck is love?

We all know it when we feel it isn’t helpful to those with a cold life. But I will bet you anything abusive people come from cold backgrounds. Some feel love as forgiveness, and some throw tantrums when they don’t get what they want because that’s love as far as they are concerned. It depends if their cycle has a honeymoon phase of trying to lure you back in.

Remember

We all feel justified.

Even if that reason isn’t fair.

Fair and just being two separate concepts.

That’s the bottom row of all the things we do. With context everything is reasonable and has logic to it even if it’s emotional logic or the weight of ones personal history.

And

We all want love.

That’s why we seek each other out and if not each other a god to please talk to. We need love. Jesus is a popular concept because no matter how deeply we fuck up he loves us. That means the light of the trinity is on us for those who believe in that form of love.

So if you are recovering from abuse what do you do? You seek love. And quite often end up in the same because abusers pray on those who need their attention and don’t take well to you getting better.

If grief is love with nowhere to go, and grief is the root of all suffering it seems clear, almost mathematically so, that healing from grief requires giving and receiving love.

This is why the suffering find god.

If you’re not inclined to and not in a position to make friends to pour your heart into, find something to contribute to society. Find someone to love even if it’s the safety net of the fucking NSA. Love someone and treat them with love and kindness.

If you are spiritually inclined, congratulations spirits thrive on being loved. On the energy of love. On prayer or just being talked to. If you need formality you can find it here. But if you need more structure than this book there are no arms more welcoming than Orthodox Christianity and Islam. They have some outdated rules. But the structure for being with and communicating with god really firmly exists in those two. As are rules and guidance for loving one another.

The more you offer love the deeper the well of offering gets, the better society, the better you feel. Receiving can be difficult if you are isolated and only have spirits to love you back – provided you believe enough to sense them. And woh if you live in an environment hostile to you. Then change where you are.

What if you are an abusive asshole? Get therapy my friend, you don’t have to stay that way. But don’t drag others into your bullshit till you’ve sorted your shit out and don’t have it anymore. Find another way to “feed”. Try giving instead of taking.

Now here’s where things get complicated. If you have a history of being taken from you might become the kind of person who takes too. Please don’t. Because that’s not healthy. But those taken from develop anger and grief and become abusive or loving. Those are the two paths. Take the latter.

Choose love.

I put this as its own topic because feeling betrayed is its own unique form of grief. It’s not just the loss of a loved one that stabbed in the back feeling doesn’t have the same answer. Grief sure. I buy the idea it’s love with nowhere to go. But I felt what happened to me as grief and it was more than that. It was betrayal.

The emotionas of Betrayal are grief and anger swirling together in a pit of sorrow. There’s no resolution to be had that will ever satisfy you. No apology great enough to reestablish trust. If you’re going to sleep with someone else you had better open the marriage first.

You can try. Therapy together might rebuild. You might reconnect. But a broken promise is not easily recovered from. It can be. It certainly can. But not easily. And for some the answer to when? Is never.

Most betrayal is straight forward, cheating. There are millions of books on coping with cheating sexually or romantically (Or both). I don’t have enough experience there and Iris just shakes her head and says “As least he’s probably not Zeus”. Yes turning into swans and raping women does seem like we don’t all have Hera’s level of problems.

What I do understand is the broken promise of safety. I wasn’t supposed to ever be homeless. I was supposed to be the fae at the bottom of the garden not the ogre under the house. But perception of me changed and I was kicked out. I wasn’t different. My father’s view of me was.

Since then my mother has made an effort to bridge the gap and my father hasn’t been unwelcoming. But it took a suicide attempt before I felt like they were back in my life. And it didn’t change how hurt I was. It was no longer about trust, my safety net had to be the government not my parents. But as a result the daughter of a wealthy Stanford professor was homeless for close to a year. April 2024 to January 2025, hotels cars, a hospital and a shelter later I’m in the poorhouse with other women who have had to tough it out for some reason and thus have developed calluses over their hearts. Not all. Just most.

Where does all the pain go even when you’ve reconciled? How does this flavor of sorrow get reframed into something good? Is the answer really it doesn’t? Yes? Then what the hell. All the understanding of why in the universe is never going to fix last year. I just need time to put a wedge between how that feels and how I want to feel now.

Are feelings a choice? Some pop psychologists will say yes. You have a thought and that dovetails into a feeling. Change your thoughts and you change your feelings. Okay sure but feelings dictate thoughts and a happy place that you don’t actually go to isn’t the best concept either.

Breaking the cycle with what you think about helps you avoid killing yourself but it does nothing to address the feeling. And what is there to talk about? You know what happened. It would be good for a good cry but that’s not always possible either.

Okay we have gods and magic again, rites and rituals, joining others, going out. Church or clubs. Dress up and go dancing. Move on. Time etc. all the regular coping skills we’re told over again that we need. Wishlist shop. If you have the money shoe shop on amazon. Spend time picking out charities to donate to. Sort the too sort box if you have the concentration and actually do have a place for everything.

Okay well and good but in between the spaces there is pain so don’t add meditation to that list okay. And help me fucking reframe the grief, pain, and anger that comes out of being betrayed. I know why I feel this way. This one’s obvious. But knowing that it’s a social instinct dating back centuries, with biology built in, doesn’t make my trust any less dented.

I’m sorry I can’t. Trust is that valuable. And these days we waste it. All I can do is give you the regular paragraph on coping and hope with time it hurts less. You will have trust issues. And that’s reasonable. So at least feel comforted it’s logical to squint your eyes at new people but unfair to reveal you are doing so. Don’t prod and poke with testing trust. Just let time unfurl and life events make it clear you can. Everyone needs time these days.

The first and last sentence of that paragraph being related.

It’s okay to have trust issues now is the short way. No shadow work involved.

You feel dark and miserable but the ways to cope with the components will help.

Just no casting on exes okay?

All these woes create a force within us. Sorrow. It will drag us under if left unchecked and can eventually kill us. Though depression is a different beast I’m not addressing here. It requires medication and therapy and a little delving into why but a lot more delving into what you can do about your reaction to your history. It’s a long road and there are others who have gone deeper.

Standard psychology has a line from thought to pain. While mine says pain dictates the thoughts and then that begets more pain. But what are we really dealing with? Why does life hurt so much?

We come from a warring animal past and have evolved into complicated creatures that hurt each other sometimes on purpose but usually just by being highly inconsiderate. But the kind of emotional pain we cause in each other is real intended or not. And that’s part of the problem. The triggers don’t have to be recognized for the sorrow to be real. It just makes it worse when we’re dismissed because what happened was unlikely.

Please let me say this a different way. It doesn’t matter if no one believes you, it matters that you are hurting. Of course if you are the wild woman with leaves in her hair and a warning you can go mad with frustration that no one listens.

But it doesn’t make your pain less real.

We want understanding, we want to be believed, we want our suffering to be recognized as reasonable. But some of what we go through is better kept to ourselves and therapists.

Here I will simply say sorrow forms as a cradle beneath all our other troubles and haunts the eyes. It creates an aura and adds suffocating gray to your magic.

Nothing will work right while you are cupped by sorrow.

You can be unhappy. Most of us who perform magic or participate in rituals want some form of resolution for something we are dissatisfied by. But that’s different than sorrow. Being unhappy with an element or your life isn’t a great well or ocean beneath you but you know it when you experience it.

Rituals are tainted by pain but they can sometimes help. And I’m not talking your favorite pot of tea here – though it will help. But daily prayer or casting to improve circumstances will give you a lifeline up out of the water. But you do need somewhere for that force to go. So you need to transform it.

Does exercise help? Of course it does but no one floating on an ocean of pain wants to put on walking shoes. Getting to the point of getting going takes too much sometimes. I mean we can start with stretching in our bed but coming from sleeping all day anything seems like more than we can handle.

We need a perspective change. A new way of hearing the world around us. A way of viewing what put us in deep waters. And that’s not easy to find. This is where we look for the whole personal meaning crap no one wants to hear. But if you won’t pray, perform rituals, or exercise reframing your experience is what you have left. Find a way to work and channel your pain. Go be social. Distract yourself.

Personally after my own attempt on my life, it was going to be a long road after just sleeping it off. Sure I could begin moving my body in small ways. But after that then what? Make holiday plans? Write books? Perform ceremonies? Pray to my gods? Write books?  Sure yeah that was actually the answer and I could see it looking from the bottom up. But just thinking of all that made me want to take a nap again.

What the fuck was the point. Communicating my perspective didn’t seem like something I even wanted anymore. Make a living. Get out of the poor house. Well yes, there was that. Paying my way into nicer digs did seem like something I’d want to do.

What was the point of this book? Because my first life was, “what does it mean to be human?” And my second was, ‘what the fuck to do about that?’ Well actually yes. If there was a way to help others. If my philosophies and knowledge of ritual and magic could be useful I could add that I suppose.

Then I’d need to stick around to promote it. Answer questions. Be available to support others. But long after I’d figured out how to go from sleeping all day to stepping on that ladder out.

Get dressed every day, clean your body. Start there. Was Iris’ answer. So a goddess has spoken. But my perspective was significantly boosted by a boost in anti-depressant and my ability to feel emotions again. Don’t be afraid to medicate your mood. I went back to loving everyone and everything and some people more than others. Chatting with my guiding stars helped too.

I have a series of questions asked of me, what is evil the force, why does it exist, how could God “let” this happen, what do I do if I lose faith? I intend to answer those next but this one is early as pressure to understand each other is in place.

I forgave the gaslighter tipping me over the edge and consoled that those hired to keep me awake were not exactly doing good but they themselves weren’t evil. But this has lead to the understandable question, “No. Is Gaslighting on its own evil?”

Gaslighting is rarely alone. It’s usually used to disguise an act that is evil. Reality abuse out of malice and desire to harm is evil. And harming another enough to drive them to the hospital invites evil.

What’s the difference?

Wording and Intent.

If the goal is to make them maddened I need something less than evil to describe a wrong that draws asmodeus to you. It’s not the same as chanting, “Kill yourself”. Which is an act of evil and will stain your soul but you can still turn to god and turn to good.

There are limits. Usually no one wants to kill another and maddening them is severely wrong. And can indeed lead to suicide but no one believed me till CPR kept me from the morgue.

If you beat someone up the act is not good. You might have an understandable, natural reason. You are not necessarily drawing upon an intelligent, negative, malevolent force to do so. But you are feeding it.

I’m sorry, I know you want a cookie cutter is this act always evil and is this act only, “Not Good.” But motive and circumstances change the difference between them. The victim doesn’t usually care why. It’s all evil as far as they are concerned, but just to another – usually the one conned into succumbing to bitterness and anger to do something about it.

Gaslighting feeds evil, it’s an evil idea, it taints your soul, it can make you do worse and worse to achieve objectives. But we now need more complexity in our lives which is why these posts exist. To provide a framework that you can use to navigate your way through and maybe point you in the direction to the faiths of God.

I’m not willing to say my gaslighters were evil when most stopped if they learnt I was already suicidal. Or had already had an attempt. Some looked into the idea their past had been inglorious and if believed by authorities would be facing manslaughter. Of course it’s wrong. And it can be evil. But having seen hearts turned by the truth, I see many just didn’t really think this idea through.

What is the difference between an evil act and one that feeds evil? Murder vs Manslaughter. If you premeditated to become a force of destruction then yes, what you are doing is evil. If you honestly believed anyone would for a price, and a good price does indeed fetch bad behavior, choosing to do so invites that vile force over for tea with manslaughter.

I will later go into specific always evil acts with malicious intent. And if following orders of a malevolent person you are assisting evil. But we’re back to “being”, “inviting”, and adding “assisting”. That’s the complexity that is a case by case basis. No blanket rules. But chances are if you’re wondering if what you do is evil? You should stop. Pray for cleansing and make amends to God.

The being that is gaslighting you is not evil, but he is assisting it and inviting more into you both. If that clears it us for you? The act itself is just a tool. Words can be weapons and very dangerous. But I’ve fired back filth under pressure, and I’m not willing to pass judgement on another who feels pressured at all times by other circumstances.

Why won’t I paint it all the same? Because the term covers a broader spectrum of behavior, some evil some not, it’s not specific enough as it covers harassment to egging another to suicidal feelings. That is entirely different.

But friends once depressed enough to be suicidal they can be again so be careful with harassment too in case it tips them closer. They are supposed to believe they are hearing things. Not actually being driven to kill themselves. “Go to the hospital” is supposed to be about voices not death. But it can lead to the latter. Manslaughter.

“Gaslight her to death” Is evil. “Keep her awake till she needs the hospital for some sleep” is very fucking wrong and asmodues does feed from it. It’s taking you to purgatory or a negative next life. But I’m not willing to put harassment and murder in the same basket. I’m just not.

Most refined forms of gaslighting are a tool of evil. But on its own really it’s an idea, strategy, framework. You’re wielding something made by a demonic force invading a malevolent individual. It’s far from good. It will stain you. But it’s still just an idea and there’s a reason I make that distinction.

Power. Stop giving the idea power. Take it away. Take it down. You don’t have to keep doing it. But it’s not concentration camp evil. That’s my scale. Most people agree true nazisim is of evil. But it’s a different fucking level. Why so extreme? If I have nothing in the distance as a pure weapon of asmodues vs a corrupted soul? Then the whole “change your circumstances and you can change everything” encouragement falls apart.

Perhaps I should say Gaslighting is morally corrupt. It’s wrong. It will hurt you both. But I’m not willing to turn away those that stop tormenting another and at least listen to why they’re doing so in the first place.

I will always hold a hand out. You can bite it or take it but it’s there.

We are told the ultimate goal of Buddhism is to reach Nirvana. A place of perfection and nothingness that only a Buddha returns from – choosing to return to earth to get others there.

To be recognized many Tibetan Llamas – reincarnated Buddhas – need items to hold and touch, waking them to who they were. But the instinct for peace and to help is there without them.

For most of us to imagine or contemplate nothingness is impossible. How do you describe the orgasmic feeling of full release? Giving up entirely and floating out, separating, becoming one with the night sky? You reach Nirvana and see stars shimmering at you, maybe even god himself. And though he has no face you can feel him smiling. Your soul spreads out, joins, becomes part of a union of god and everything with you as an individual becoming nothing. It’s like you finally found a place you belong. No location necessary, Heaven is everywhere.

It is not the crowded zero-gravity space that most people envision. No oxygen and being suffocated out. It is a single breath of god. Stardust is really where our souls belong.

The other heavens are private, with doors of healing closed though I plan to describe the experience of walking up towards Al-Sama-Al-Danya. The first heaven where you go if you have been good but your soul is injured. Most suicide victims end up there. Wounded to their core that they give up on life they must ascend through the joys of those realms till they are ready to let go.

It’s a handy name for the place we all see stairs to.

Together they are what I experienced when I tried to end my life. The first a glimpse of where I could go. Where I could be. If I tried again and this time did not end it on my own. They revived my body and my soul re-entered my body. I tried leaving one more time I suppose and saw the steps.

How do I describe three years of ever-building torment. Eight attempts to kill me through extended harassment, reality abuse and gaslighting with the smattering of torture for good measure. Four attempts to use a 24 hour period of the same with an increase in the shifting, sliding, gliding tales woven by my killer. Reality Abuse creates a narrative, gaslighting changes it. And after prolonged abuse the ability to keep track fades and you don’t know who you are talking to anymore. Who is talking about you. Who believes what or even who is alive.

Everyone is named Ryan, or Jason, or Ranna or Claire, Melody and Claudia. Maybe even Nigel. And the narrative is drawn out longer and longer until haha just kidding, actually… you think the police must know. You think the FBI have to be involved. Maybe even homeland security. This is torment. This is a house dropped on you, maybe even a city. But nothing stops the relentless abuse of the petulant bitch who wants to drive you to suicide but hides behind the words “Oh I only want to make you suicidal, not kill you.”

How fucking stupid do you think I am or are you yourself that dim witted that you do not know it a straight shot? Gaslighters drive many to hospitals, that’s the goal. It is not the same as an individual using military grade technology to invade your everything even your bathroom.

I said, and I did not lie, I would give – to a computer owned by DARPA my entire body of work and all my pictures to create an AI I dubbed “Grandmother”. I was so happy. It seems like madness, “Haha stupid bitch you believe that?” What other explanation do I have for all the abuse levied at me? Terrorist School? Or a fucking childish game no one believes is real but means my cat is constantly on the threat of being kidnapped?

No one listens because you’ve lost your mind too many times, lost your way, lost track of reality. But who could hold on to normal things like writing a book, maybe even selling it. Going out for the holidays. Learning a language. Doing belly isolations at 5:00am when you want to. Who could keep track of the real world when some cunt stole your passport, your birth certificate, your divorce papers, and no one, not once ever followed up a single objectively real complaint. Indeed most people think you have a split personality if they think at all.

So frankly Fuck you to everyone. You are either blind and ignorant or a sack of lies and disinterest. Because otherwise this would all be over. No I’m no angel right? You can’t be an angel and be experience anger, sorrow, suffering, and betrayal. Nothing is understandable if it’s not convenient to your worldview. And you want a demon in me so you feel better ignoring what has happened. Fuck you again.

I want to go home. Home to Nirvana.

But no. I’m here being torn to shreds, no wound not burrowed into, and when I heal and scab new ones are created. I rise ever again feeling like if I were made of emotion I would be covered in my own blood she digs she wounds she torments so.

“Please be patient. Please live.” How do I even know those who actually care? Or are just a way to build me up so the shit-filled-garbage bag that is my attacker can go again because it’s no longer fun if I actually die.

Look at my description of where I went and what you dragged me back into. It’s not over till I try again. But no, on a good day I promised Allah I would stay. On a bad day shit in my room moved around with angry energy and pissed off ghosts joining in.

I’m here to help you get to that perfect place I described so shape the fuck up. Because even my blog is being stolen, my words changed and edited. Nothing sacred if written by me. Not even a prayer.

I will not last and next time I try I will succeed if this does not stop.