If we understand all abuse is about control- including reality abuse. And gaslighting is about disguising abuse – so a sign someone wants control, how do we maintain kindness and gentle behavior without having to be a punching bag.
I need to know. I’m close to giving up entirely. My cat came and reminded me she loves me. And to be taken from me would break her heart. The death of the person a support animal is looking after is a pain they don’t recover from.
I am in contact with my family again. I can’t let my mum spend these years grieving her daughter. Nor my dad. My sister and brother in law have enough difficulties.
My brother would feel a loss that is near tangible. We don’t talk much but he needs me to be alive in the world.
And I don’t really want to be.
But the surgeon who saved me put so much effort into an experimental procedure, I can’t let them down.
And I don’t know who made me promise to do everything I could to get better – I was unconscious at the time. But I agreed and also promised to god I would.
And the assholes around here are taking advantage of that need to protect them. There are no consequences and this society is so abusive, their bullshit isn’t even noticed.
How do I protect my soul from hate and anger? How do I avoid letting those surface. This is the time to seek redemption. I must somehow learn to be the sweet heart I want to be – not their definition which is a pawn and a patsy.
But simply immune to the abuse society hurls and remain nice in the face of scapegoating, gaslighting, torment, maybe torture, and cumulative abuse from an entire herd.
I have no desire to be a spiritual leader but to light the path towards one. My books are to communicate and for some inspire. And I hope my insights useful at least.
But I make a very good second in command.
I hate being in charge but want my support recognized and respected. Sans a leader I write. But it’s either being taken as I spell or has been stolen and the books used to lie and manipulate.
How am I to survive this?
Well I’ve come up with the methodology and posted such. But knowing what to do helps no one if I would rather die than be in this position anymore.
That’s the main issue. I had my books to write and keep me alive. And now I don’t. My family keeps me attached to this world by a thin thread. I have no other reason to live.
And I don’t want to, personally I want out.
Sure I have survival techniques now. But I don’t want to use them. I want out.
My environment is chaos and I decided tidying and cleaning counts as self care, so am marginally motivated to fix it. If I can decide to care for myself there’s always the one thing a day technique.
Just one thing turns to 30 things in a month and is certainly more than nothing. Maybe one thing a day will cheer me up.
But that’s still personal. I have the footsteps ahead to get better and pursue mathematics again. All the micro movements and necessities. Yet my environment is so toxic it takes all my energy just to live.
And I don’t know what to do.
I’m saggy today! But I recognize myself again, This time last year I was 41lbs heavier!
There is often confusion about negative emotions. They make us feel bad just having them – which is also part of survival. Things that make you so angry you feel hatred are to be avoided!
Anger is a fight response to fight, flight, freeze, or flee. You are under attack as far as your psyche is concerned and your body floods you with cortisol. Speeding up those perceptive mechanisms you might need. Once it’s hanging around your system it’s easier to be triggered again.
The issue with anger as a natural biological response – particularly if backed into a corner – is how you react and respond. Not whether you feel it in the first place.
Don’t leave someone alone to cool off? You’re the asshole. Prod, and bait someone to deliberately make them angry? You are the asshole.
And for those who just “want to see what you’re made of”? This next part is about you.
If your internal world perceives a threat to their wellbeing, and you can’t run away. Of course you’re going to feel the emotion of hatred. So if you say, like me, have severe PTSD from reactive abuse and someone “just wants to see”. Of course you’ll learn to hate them.
That’s your psychological worlds way of communicating, “hey this person is being an enemy, get ready to fight or run, and avoid them”
It’s a nasty feeling to have. Hatred ruins the soul – so does anger. But they are a physiological response to perceived danger. Of course we don’t enjoy feeling that way our system is trying to get you to avoid the asshole.
Now some people do seem to fly off about small things. Remember abuse is cumulative and American society has a huge abuse problem. It’s normal and normalized here so we’re all angry all the time and some become hateful.
It’s abusive to test a temper, bait a fight, engage in a war of words (not consensual sparring) to have nasty comments as one goes by. It’s all very American, and very abusive. They all act like a lone cowboy who doesn’t live in a vacuum but behaves like they do – maybe even feel entitled to. But together.
It’s awful to be on the receiving end of cowboys and coteries of pissy conformist “popular” girls. (The other frequent reason for bad behavior.)
The former is plain stupid and vile, if repeated we’re going to learn to hate them and thus try to avoid them.
The latter is about control and is a stupid idea based on primordial senses that the herd is only safe if everyone around them is in the herd.
They hate anyone who doesn’t conform to the herd and try to either control them and mold them, or make them flee.
Fragile egos that feel threatened by beauty of the soul and intellect they can’t understand are responding to a primordial need for being part of a herd. Stronger together and all that.
It might be why the English pull through in an emergency but feel threatened by oddballs.
Americans seem confused by a cultural ideology of individualism that runs counter to a need for group safety, likely exacerbated by the strong outward pressure to all be individuals (but only in the way I want).
Be individuals together…
Which is actually possible. You look at gaming communities and most are independently weird and want to feel accepted. The mutual task is secondary.
I want to be around academics, to discuss ideas. Or the spiritually inclined who know better than to judge. (Which is admittedly quite advanced as it requires superior understanding of human nature).
Of course we’re drawn to the latter for leadership. Those that are peaceful to their core. Which is good to try even if it can’t be entirely achieved. But so many are frightened of the former because we’re interested in learning not leading.
It turns out that it’s viewed as concurrent with change and that frightens herds terribly.
It’s instinctual for herds to hen peck and it’s instinctual for actual individuals to become angry, maybe even learn to hate.
We can evolve past this. But we need to want to. And right now all pressure is on the individual and not those in the herd.
Of course it is, herds get voters. There are by cultural nature a large group.
It’s important for an individual to remember they feel threatened by them – because different goes counter to herd mentality. And this culture is frightening without all being weird together.
That’s what I had when younger. All the usually bullied weirdos banded together and weren’t bullied. Before that I was picked on by the herd. And in college I had a more normal experience – but no dates from classes!
I am in a situation I want to be left alone to regain my figure and fitness. To bellydance again and pursue academic interests. For some reason my mere presence makes the herd feel threatened and they are on constant attack mode.
Women where I am tend to have been through hell and maybe not back. So they are going to burn for a sense of safety and are more likely to join a herd for that feeling.
I am inclined to be friendly but independent despite an extreme history of being abused. That’s good for some, admired by others, but perceived as a threat to the herd by those clinging to a group – some quite naturally so.
I can argue, complain, learn to hate, and all I am pushed to. But at the end of the day I only have power over myself and I don’t want those feelings.
I’ll get back to you when I figure out how to put emotional tai chi into such practice so I wake up ready to dodge and deflect.
I’d rather not be in a situation I have to. But I need to avoid holding my breath, women are going to feel less threatened by me. Particularly when I expose reactive and cognitive abuse – the main power plays of “popular” kids and adults who want the herd to feel safe and never change even if that herd is abusive to them too.
It’s why immigrants are feared, intellectuals, the unusual. And the tension between a cultural identity that says we’re all different that runs counter to a cultural history, of banding together for a feeling of safety.
And I’m an unusual, intelligent, imaginative, immigrant.
Without going into specifics. I have regret and I need to. Even spells that are both a blessing and a curse can be complicated. And broken by the will and wishes of the one weaving words.
But while I swore with them. No energy actually went to applying them. It was still too much and I’m sorry.
Without going too deeply why I am again approaching Christianity. Since I died and met God – in all his indescribable beauty. It seemed right to try again. With the church I feel closest to.
With spring comes the idea of Repentance. And I certainly have plenty to need to pray for forgiveness. But there is confusion about the meaning of moving forward with the resolution of regret then a petty attempt to try to “take back words”
I said what I did – harassed or no. And an Angel has pulled me from the brink of man’s inescapable evil – crimes of passion. Not suicide that’s a different darker passion with those of us who are a sudden snap.
After wanting to commit suicide for two years it was perhaps inevitable that if pushed enough a passion to die would fill me.
But contrary to popular thought, I was accepted into heaven. Nirvana in a way, except you don’t really become nothing you become part of everything and your consciousness ceases to exist.
You meet God and he heals you completely.
If you have luck like mine, you’ll survive and prove the surgeon knew what he was doing – so that was good. But your body is severely unhappy with your serious overdose.
Much longer ago, by 7 years, almost exactly, I experienced a near crime of passion because my (now ex) spouse wouldn’t leave me alone at all to calm down and cool off.
I would get on the phone with my mother. My voice lowering and becoming languid. And the viscous scorpion returned to continue a fight that was stupid in the first place. He struck at my deepest wound (at the time). That was pretty stupid.
I’ m bipolar, that strangely long fuse was burnt up like intentions paper. I had learnt to dodge, to avoid, to calm instantly. But couldn’t that time.
I didn’t act upon it. But for three seconds I felt it through my core.
Then…
Gold
The color association of what wrapped around me and pulled me back, to stare at this utter fuckwit behaving so stupidly. It was so basic, I instantly felt compassion that he was a simpleton in that moment.
He didn’t understand who and what he was glaring back at. There was no way. I was the biggest dragon in the city at the time. And he loved it. The fear excited him.
Gold.
I never prayed about it – but I wrote a book through the painful PTSD he caused aggravated by developing fibromyalgia. Just to help end reactive abuse and gaslighting.
And God forgives. Particularly if he reaches out to you and you step closer.
There is more than an old battle seven years back. There is yesterday. There is succumbing to hate and spite. There is the fury consuming me.
Baited and barbed I might have felt I had no choice anymore.But when it comes to repentance motivation is less important than change.
I wanted to live a life with no regrets and as I pray this spring and sit with God. I must accept the world doesn’t need perfection, but someone who lost their way and came back.
They need my emotional Tai Chi work. They need my spiritual sign post that provides structure to those who need it outside of religion – but recommends pursuing one for a deeper, older perspective.
They don’t need an Angel. They need a Human. And given the ahhh stringent request I return to earth, it behoves me to fulfill the purpose for my continued existence.
And it’s not as a punching bag for judgmental assholes. Sanctimonious pricks. And those who can’t understand what redemption really means.
What do they have? I hope to God, nothing like my reasons. But perhaps in this time specifically they should give me room to return to the Grace of God without my death being involved again.
Repentance is personal however, not to be postalized by laymen.
You log in to a website for a giggle at my expense.
You arseholes.
Invading my privacy for the “Lol”s
Then, viola. You’re hacked. And it starts a cascade because the website is a “shiny” to
I’m not able to provide the correct copy of the original because while true in wording it’s not playing back at the correct speed. It’s faster perhaps to match another. I don’t know.
It’s all enough to make you paranoid.
This the closest to the original I have (or should be)
Anything could potentially include something like the firmware interface for the battery monitor when charging. I’m not sure on that.
(If you think of adding memory to a computer, it has to know it’s there. That’s the firmware – the nervous system of your computer!)
Emotional Tai Chi is about calming the inner world under psychological duress.
Why I need it is probably obvious by now. And while returning to my creed returned me to my soul there are other concepts that could help.
Let R.E.A.L.
C.U.F.F LinkS
Have S.B.S.M
Always R.S.S
With P.M.H
And hopefully some O.O. luck.
The core components of Emotional Tai Chi, coping with and dodging bullying and gaslighting. I know how, but practice is harder and I don’t really want the opportunity ever again!
May this serve before it reaches another potential suicide crisis.
.
Let R.E.A.L
Let the statement In.
Recognize what is happening.
Evaluate its usefulness.
Absorb what you need.
Let go of the rest.
.
C.U.F.F. Links
Approach with Curiosity
Develop Understanding.
Protect your boundaries with Ferocity
And on all else be Focused.
Link it to your Soul
,
Have S.B.S.M.
Have a
Strong
Body
For a
Strong
Mind
.
Always R.S.S.
Always
Recover
Slowly to be
Steady
,
With P.M.H.
With Prayer
Or Meditation
And have Hope.
.
And hopefully some O.O. Luck
Observe your life for hidden Opportunities.
,
Those are the six cornerstones of Emotional Tai Chi. A set of six sets in order of development. Your belts I guess.
It will protect you.
Forgive yourself if you lose your way.
Just get back on that path.
Delving into specific meanings is going to take a book! Focus on those grouped concepts if you need them.
Please don’t get yourself into a situation you need them.
But use if you do.
.
For the record, my creed. Who I am and lost sight of:
Not a bone in my body hated. I didn’t understand it. Didn’t really want to. I loved everyone and everything and that was to my detriment.
I had experienced a fleeting moment before. A defensive spell that were the only words I could weave to be left alone by my abusive ex spouse.
In a battle for my very soul.
Now another has earned her permanent spot as someone I hate.
It’s a survival mechanism, in this form.
So let’s separate it from bigotry and bad behavior. Feeling an emotion is not enough of a cause for violence, or harassment.
I hate the woman responsible for the collapse of my ear canal – and the mutilation of my genitalia, all because she wanted to “see what I would do.” And that’s a survival mechanism.
Stay the fuck away from her and the people she manipulates and controls into her bullshit.
She toys with people and calls it writing.
When you’re a real writer characters show up in your head and do what they want. Plot is characters going against each other’s desires. Not a long story of suffering.
Writers have read at some point. A lot. We chewed through books. We read the advice of writers we admired and some we didn’t know but had good ideas we could recognize.
It takes work and practice to get through the “copycat” phase that has you sounding like everyone else – anyone you’re reading at the time.
It takes work and patience to persevere long enough to get confident in your ability to work- and even then there may be times you doubt you ever write again.
Practice, Patience, Perseverance.
Few can claim to have written under the kind of psychological duress my stalker put me through. Just to see what I would do!
So it’s worth mentioning the difference between a story- an endless collection of meaningless events – and a plot that has conflict and resolution, characters struggling and fighting to overcome an obstacle there for a reason.
The odyssey is more a story than the novel. The first accessible novel (if we’re not counting an attempt by an unknown woman in the 12th century) was Mary Shelly’s Frankenstein. The birth of the horror genre and the accessible modern novel. In 1816 – published in 1818.
Even Emily Brontë – famous for her work and her place in history, published her work after Mary Shelly produced hers.
The modern novel exists because a woman wrote one.
And that tends to get lost to history.
The difference is plot. Before that we had stories. And what has happened to me is more a story – at least by actions performed by others.
Favors for fivers to wound and intrigue and produce nothing of literary value.
Until I produce a story of overcoming cumulative abuse and the kind of circumstances I have been put through because someone thought she could pay her way not practice. Then I will write nonfiction with the undulating style of a novel. But I’m of the few who can without actually fictionalizing it.
I am a revolutionary writer and her jealousy is dangerous.
She has money and a gui. But the odyssey she has put me through is a more series of challenges than anything that the police could grip onto.
It seemed meaningless and pointless.
Was this terrorism on a world famous mathematicians daughter? Was this to see if she could so trash someone who was well liked and respected before that bitch got going?
Was it to see how long before anyone listened to the truth while she tortured and tormented me?
You knew it was happening.
And gaslighted me out of the truth.
Lied to the American public.
And no newspaper picked me up.
So citizen journalists wrote their heavily biased versions of the few morsels she fed them.
No one seemed to have the truth but the government.
And they let it happen.
Why would you help her hurt me? What financial hold does she have on America than you think it’s okay to do this to someone?
She hacked – well paid for hacking. She created a group project of how to torment me and wove lies of how I “deserved” it – like anyone does. Except maybe her, now. If you can find her.
You made me battle just to exist then tried to “cancel” me when that became inconvenient. Your boyfriend hacking into all my backups to destroy them before my very eyes. Suicide attempt two, the final version on it’s way.
How often do you use sex as a weapon honey? I sure hope you’re fucking worth it.
Nahhhh no one is.
Not the soul destroying crap you’ve had others do to me. Not the potential cost of a life. Not again. You make murderers out of hackers you manipulative bitch.
Too right I hate you.
It’s a survival mechanism. Loving everyone put a target on my back. Learning to hate a woman so personally despicable took about four years.
But I have now. And I’m comfortable with it. Because hate does not mar the soul unless acted upon.
You can have your feelings – and they matter. Motivation matters. But it is your behavior everyone responds to.
They may listen to lies of what you have done. They may have no patience for the results of baiting. If reduced to a frothing madness after 72 hours of torment it’s a miracle to have any self control left.
But that’s what it took isn’t it?
I don’t drink or do drugs. You can’t hook me on anything. And as much as I would like my muscles to be eased my ligaments won’t hold the joints together- it’s potentially fatal.
So fibromyalgia pain has to be handled differently. Thanks to Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, EDS hyper mobility. Pain is something I just have to live with.
It was brought on by an abusive ex who harassed me and tormented me trying to force me to lose control.
And he almost succeeded. And it would have been fatal for him. Stupid fuckwit.
Yes stupid exits. I see that now. And the danger they pose to the intelligent is quite high. Because they all think they’re the end all be all of what one can be capable of.
At least if she’s a woman.
So some stupid bitch put me through this and tried to condition me into “Simon says” control because she’s too stupid to understand two things:
Real, fictional characters don’t do or sound in a way entirely in your power. They show up in your head and you have to learn about them. With your fucking imagination.
And as for your pronouncements, real people are not to be treated like characters in a book. You stupid bitch.
Too right I hate you.
And as tempted as I am to go dark side because of it and show you real old world magic to tie you up and destroy you?
My hatred is an emotion not a behavior.
There’s a fucking difference.
Freshly waxed and plucked, because all I have left to believe in is God and my physical reality.
Sylvanna Devlin 