Sylvanna Devlin

Sooo…

Time to breathe!

It’s easy to focus on the negative. But don’t forget, I was dubbed, “The Happy Immigrant”.

A very English response to what they would have seen as a smarmy love letter to America because my birth country is like that.

But I’m American now. And we go in for that sort of thing.

Particularly these days when we really want to be reminded of the good in our country because cultural diversity is being squashed and minimized and more than half the country is entirely fed up with the other half and the feeling is mutual!

OMG America!

This was the land of the brave, remember, as in… oh wait let’s not make an Aldus Huxley reference here.

But the point is, the English stalwarts might have been annoyed with a “what took you so long, by the way these boats leak.”

But the rest of the war-torn inhabitants of the world were relieved to see tall American soldier’s lifting them out of hell!

It seems like a long time ago to our newest generation but not me. But American memory, by nature of the four year term is short. Trump would like more than two goes however so that four year election cycle is looking pretty decent now.

Actually.

The forefathers (most of them) knew what they were doing. Some stuff… meh we disagreed later about. But the constitution was far better than the Magna Carta and Most of the world based their constitution on the American one.

The French gave America the statue of liberty after they were inspired by American ideals.

Do you remember the plaque? Installed later on?

“Give me your tired, your poor/ Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free”

We’ve lost our standing in the world and some don’t care. But we should. Because we were hero’s.

Immigrants too.

Don’t you want to live up to hero instead of spit on them?

We can do better.

Because some do.

I mentioned my life being saved, and the incredible resources for the homeless and mentally ill where I am.

Stigma has seemed like a huge problem in Portland. But I think it’s an extreme minority being very loud and abusive. I loved this city until a certain weapon was pointed my way.

I could again.

Just as I love this country. And the freedom to speak my mind. I would like to suggest some of us are tired of the bull crap from the rest. Thank you not-so-much!

Forgot battles over blog posts. This country isn’t built on fear of the tallest poppy. It sure has had issues with it. And some will (reasonably so) disagree as the abuse is so pervasive it certainly seems some citizens are oriented around fear.

But that’s not what we’re supposed to be about. We can do better.

And in America I, usually, do not get shot at for suggesting we return to our ideals- dropping our forefathers racism on the way.

Some communication channels are trying to make us afraid of each other.

Because it sells.

That’s such bull.

We need to stop fake news, overly sensational headlines and clickbait.

We are indeed becoming afraid to leave the house. Because the news is vile.

But we’re all like that.

So it’s not us is it?

It’s loudmouth abusive arses and the loud TV news channels pumping fear. One because it gives them a sense of power and control. The other purely because it makes money.

Maybe if they didn’t feel so powerless, the normalization of abuse would fade.

More reasonable news with less fear mongering might do it.

No.

It’s not all of America.

But all Americans are affected.

I do find it interesting, that in America the idea of refusing to be minimized means everyone believes my heart has turned to stone.

Not quite.

But really it’s none of your business.

I wake up every day wishing I hadn’t.

I have to actively chose to live every day

New medication might help.

And I’m trying it.

But my circumstances are such that your toll-bot was set to kill.

You all (the ones harassing me) think you’re the center of the universe and have “just one thing” and dogpile me with cumulative abuse.

You complain my natural voice is too audible, my looks can’t be real, my intelligence- thanks to severe cognitive abuse isn’t there, my attempts to be kind are meaningless because no one believes that of me.

You are all strangers to me, with only lies and and vague memories to fill the gaps. Some truth you don’t want to believe.

And you dogpile, push, prod, and reduce.

I’m done being minimized by you.

There are fears of loss related to our homes and loved ones but let’s go on my check list of the back of the psyche:

Financial insecurity- haha yeah, try my history. I don’t recommend it.

Abandonment – we’ll check it off but not go into details.

Homelessness more specifically – le sigh. Are we done society?

My writing being stolen/ripped off – oh yeah, that happened. By so… so many.

My body mutilated? – yes.

To ever again experience bullying like I did when younger?

Oh yes, that happened.

What did fate just say “hold my beer”?

This time it’s worse!

There are the classic fears like public speaking and death.

I have experience speaking into a mic, deliberately so, that doesn’t bother me.

And death?

Yeah went there already, wasn’t that bad.

Rejection?

Well the gaslighters have tried to create relationships to then reject me in, but we became attached and they let me down more easily.

Those who swore they had their hooks in but had yet to develop a friendship were admonished by others.

They’re probably looking for a way.

Well…

Someone in the physical realm tried ghosting me but I didn’t care.

But in general, unless manipulated into existence. One would need to meet me. And want to.

And then want to bugger off.

They’d prefer a different relationship they should go ahead.

But I also don’t try. Even if someone is cute I don’t know we’re not just “hanging out” till they kiss me.

So oblivious to all attraction is probably something that keeps me from sticking my neck out.

There are other ways to indicate interest but those are individually based and private.

Besides the point of the post is experiencing your worst fears and:

I’ve hit bingo.

No wonder I don’t give a rats ass about fear. I mean sure, I’m still trying to protect myself, my cat, and my stuff.

But the twisted up in the back of the psyche ones have now come to pass.

What are you going to do that you haven’t already done or promised to do? It’s not that I don’t believe you. Oh I do. But there’s nothing I can do now someone new has pulled the trigger on the Troll-Bot.

You’re going to steal from me as soon as I go to an appointment. My cat has to go with me when taking the garbage out. And there’s no way to request human decency from a jealous individual.

They want me obliterated.

I don’t know what competition they think they’re in. But I’d like them to fuck right off.

Meanwhile I haven’t really absorbed what to do about surviving all that. There’s the thought no one can. And I’m tempted to agree. But I have somehow.

And I am so welcomed in person I know truth will out eventually. So being believed isn’t really an issue for me.

But

Bloody hell…

Come on!

All I’ve got left expected of me is fear of commitment like all wounded birds.

Except I don’t have it.

I’ve just learnt to be picky!

Not that I’ve had much opportunity to try.

Maybe my luck will change.

I believe the soul has three parts.

The energetic seed that moves on to the next life, like the candle to candle explanation of reincarnation.

But the part that is the consciousness goes on to heaven. Probably not purgatory because that would be almost as bad as hell. But there are seven levels to heaven and at the moment of seeing God all worries slip away.

The perfect sleep.

Then there is the electrical signal. The part the seed grows and the consciousness controls.

High voltage and hard to control in some, God can banish dark energies permanently, set that signal to a more gentle setting, and put something there to protect your heart.

This is why some churches have such positive weight placed on baptism. As I have been told it’s similar to the kind of Joy I experienced when God reached in and healed my spirit, protecting it, altering it. Making it a part of him the way we all have the potential to.

At least when baptized as an adult.

That flowing feeling came under attack that night. But it is different than the high voltage sparks my signal used to have – the kind probably left behind in residual hauntings.

It’s the seed reaching out, healed, protected, and connected. And the idea of Tai Chi becomes a whole lot more clear.

It’s perhaps a unifying of parts.

I learnt what was there through death. As my seed had remained. My conscious mind greeted God and when it returned I had to regrow any form of energetic defenses. The electrical signal that dissipates upon death.

We are all correct. Heaven is real – and is nirvana. Not a becoming a nothing but part of everything.

Reincarnation is real but it’s seed to seed and the mind only attaches enough to linger with it through prayer or meditation (maybe both)

And dissipating as atheists tend to believe is also correct.

It depends on if you are focusing on the mind, the blood, or the nervous system.

There’s a reason communion language- as alien as it is to outsiders – speaks of blood.

That’s where that seed is, like a cradle for the mind and nervous system soul signatures and the resting spot of the Holy Spirit to those who connect so deeply to god.

And of course I do.

I

Met him.

Know what he looks like.

That memory surrounds me with Joy. As does that of the unique hot and happy tears of God reaching in, almost – as another pointed out – with a, “here let me help you with that.”

I am very old to energy but very new to Christianity. And fall from the path he set before me.

But I get up, shake out my hair, he dusts me off. And I try again.

And I just have to hold sight that he clearly wants me here.

Because my seed would not leave my body. And others would not let go that my conscious mind would return.

My energetic signature needed to grow back however. And that was mightily new when it did – and when transformed into a more fluid, easier to manage, signature.

I’m still a magical klutz. But a kind one. I think it, and things happen. But I try to be a bit careful of that.

As for compassion fatigue for those you saw near die, and came close again?

It’s normal, actually. And sometimes we need to pass the soul-fire bellows to someone else for a while.

It’s not a reason to get nasty, but is a reason to need to withdraw and recharge.

Please don’t admonish those who need time to recover. So long as they don’t lash out, they probably do need some emotional space for a bit. Just let them return in their own time.

And if you love them.

Keep loving them.

Your answer to my objection to your abuse, gaslighting, harassment, nit-picking, micromanaging, and reality abuse is to…

Drag me out by the hair?

Or because if I pointed out your hypocrisy one more time you would (as already promised) rob me blind and my response was:

“Oh you would rob me blind would you?

Like thieves in the night?

Cowards that you are?”

Want to be brave? Stand up to your gaggle of abusive friends picking on me – now purely because I object to being picked on.

You lie and gaslight me, saying “I’m [you] not real to you [me, Melissa F’n Devlin].”

But you treat me as not a real person.

Come back to reality.

And

Stop talking to your voices.

Because the next step is to record every moment you next drive me insane for 72 hours, put it on repeat and get some sleep.

Maybe we can all let it go now?

I want out.

Someone, generously said to be foolish, set a lethal weapon on me and shrugged her shoulders of all responsibility.

I was, yet again, targeted by a weaponized Troll-bot. Ready to gaslight and abuse 24/7

Should a victim be capable of sleeping, the abuse continues while they try.

Not just weird stuff like dream manipulation.

Constant prodding and attempts to waken. The recording of a gaggle of “mean girls” outside my window.

The complaint that I, as a repeated victim, should shoulder responsibilities this weapon caused.

And why?

Because some Twat can’t control me because I don’t need her to. Society doesn’t need me to. That’s her issue. Her anxiety of the strange. Her weakness. Her fear.

All set to kill on me.

Either she’s behaving with so little thought to consequences she’s a fuckwit, or she’s so evil and vile she doesn’t care about them.

And I was going to delve into the personality of an abuser. But the same person trying to reach for hope in the previous essay (me) terrifies her.

And she’s rather kill me than admit she does indeed find me scary.

Because why?

Practicality and Hope?

Really?

I’m not sure I no longer want to be Alexander Hamilton (the play version) thank you not-so-much.

Maybe I should learn to fire back.

Except I’d rather die than become like you.

If you wanted down this hallway to talk to me, it hasn’t been my choice you couldn’t.

All abusive people argue being controlling is protecting but it doesn’t matter if they believe that or not.

It’s shitty behavior I did not request nor want.

Okay. Off the bat. This is not personal. Most of my topics that even have the word abuse – if sparked by an individual, have no names and no descriptors.

If the word abuse turns you into a froth you need to take a very long look at your navel, actually.

Yes my Malapropisms are deliberate you….

Anyway.

Then get some therapy.

If your answer is to someone who’s been an American for 25 years (more than half her life) to “go back to her country” where do you think you’re sending me, The Bay Area?

I mean sure there are parts of America that would like to toughen up states rights. But we have a weird issue with that.

While indeed stronger blue states would be pretty awesome, wealth is concentrated in Blue states so the rest of the federal government relies on taxes from those wealthy film executives. And tech gurus.

So stop your bitching about the federal government right the fuck now because that’s not your money they’re staying afloat with.

And while California sometimes wants out, the rest of the country can’t afford it. Yes, they need your water, but you need there money. So it’s not practical for anyone.

I was asked if concentrated wealth was a good thing – like financial security and morality have anything to do with each other.

It’s just human nature. It’s not necessarily good or bad.

Sharing is good.

Abusing is bad.

And you tend not to get hoarding by those who aren’t also abusive arseholes. So I’m not willing to separate it till I see a third option for real.

Some people are indeed choosy about their philanthropic donations – just like senators who only vote positively if it’s a pet project.

This country is annoyingly capitalist. It causes problems. Burning it down is not the solution. We need to Identify what’s causing it to spiral out of control and address that.

Just keep morality away from money because rich people manipulate standardized morality to stay abusive arses.

We divorce money from morality- just as we have from a diet being good – maybe we can even the playing field.

Too much without any regard for other humans is not good, okay?

But that doesn’t usually happen unless that individual is abusive!

So let’s focus there.

Most maladaptive behaviors are a result of normalized abuse – either continuing it, protecting oneself from it, or both.

American society has a huge issue of Abuse and it’s cultural not a part of human nature.

Territoriality is, hoarding is, hierarchy is.

These are not good things.

Nature isn’t always the best excuse for trying to ignore the idea of nurture.

A lot of times I go with explaining that some things are human nature and to work with the way we are, not against.

But some stuff is pure crap that evolution is kindly trying to do away with, anyway. Human sensitivity is on the rise and that’s good!

No wonder people have become “helicopter” parents. Their sensitive caring children are such a delight, and the world was so painful and nasty to Gen X growing up, we just want to protect those whom we can.

All sensitive caring people are a delight. Have you noticed how happy you are to meet one? How pissed you are when manipulative so-and-so’s try to put a lambs cloth over a voracious appetite to control?

Actually kind, sweet people are a true relief!

And some of us are so shat on nasty rumors follow us from jealous, abusive arses, we feel strangled by them.

Stop warning me away and silence your tongues. If everyone would let it drop it would fade. Because it’s far from true and it’s the cleanest most obvious sign someone wanted death, not close to death. But actual suicide. Do you really want to be a part of that?

That’s because I am probably the only particularly nice, kind, sweet person raised to also breathe fire at abusive twats.

I would like to be on “Angel” Mode all the time thank you. But the Fae side is actually a relaxed Dragon and it’s mighty big if pressed.

As relevant to this morning. Heart of an Angel, mind of a fae/dragon, words of a human. Why can’t I be 3.5 archetypes?

But I’m all dragon when protecting others.

And abusive twats just have to dig claws in and keep me from being able to help this country grow and change and return to idealism but without the blinders.

Maybe evolve into something new and beautiful. Like a country filled with practicality and hope. A new perspective because we are changing as a species and need new language.

It goes beyond democratic socialism.

It’s the seeking of balance and FairPlay. It’s the desire to strengthen protections for the vulnerable, and protect the sensitivity of those who have it. It’s cultural not political.

Maybe it’s not just idealism or futuristic thinking. Maybe it’s real compassion – not a version of self betterment – but a societal view that we take care of each other.

We need a new word really, and while writers are usually the ones to create and use them I can’t think of anything evocative enough.

The passion of kindness as a culture would be called?

Rousseau-ism?

I like it. Thank you. It’s a jolly good start. The French prosecuted Sarkozy for financial crime. An ex president. Maybe they’re not all bad?

It was suggested to me, and quite a good one! Keep building sensitive souls. Abusive arses don’t want you in power but I do.

(Number two of the ones coming out today. Hold your breath for an interesting journey)

Companies that are “too big to fail” indeed are. Because they employ millions according the globe and if they fold the world crashes into a very nasty economic depression.

As for the wealthy?

They’re not the issue.

Abuse is.

I imagine Bill Gates was tormented as a youth and feels surrounding himself with money protected him better. Particularly as he continued to be attacked even after he had moved on to more decent practices.

FFS let people grow and change.

People don’t understand digital numbers, my father pointed that out. And the larger the number the more it doesn’t seem real.

It’s not till they surround themselves with comforts that wealth becomes obvious.

Some feel the abuse they receive makes them entitled to a lot of comforts. And why should they share with abusive arseholes?

That’s how some feel.

Other people.

I’m not wealthy and I would share.

But people like me us suffer because of the abuse we are surrounded by – no matter where we go.

We should stop talking about guillotines for the wealthy and focus on abusive arseholes across the economic strata.

Wealthy individuals who are also abusive are indeed an issue.

As are the abusive individuals they manipulate.

And the abuse is normalized.

To repeat we need to address the wealthy who are also abusive and are manipulating other abusive people to gain and maintain power and control.

They are choking our economy.

And the issue is abuse.

Stop being an asshole to [fill in a philanthropist] and maybe they’ll feel more generous.

It’s a more practical approach. Stop distracting from the issue.

To again repeat but with different wording. Abuse in American society is normalized to the point any attempt to point it out gets one dogpiled by the poor while the wealthy just manipulate them.

If you’re pulling out the guillotine? Wealth isn’t the issue (says a woman with next to nothing) abuse is the problem.

Wealth is a way for them to have power and control. And they continue abuse to keep it.

For some of these individuals abuse is just the means and if it didn’t fly they would use other tactics.

But they get away with it and are worshipped by wealthy and poor alike.

Because it’s normalized.

And I’m getting complained to in advance because you think I’m defending wealth not pointing out abuse like theirs is the true problem.

You don’t like it? Fix yourself first. But fix the abusive wealthy too. Seek the aide of the others.

I like the idea of universal income with the ability to gain more if you work for it. But we will always have a problem with concentrated wealth.

It’s not good but it’s human nature.

Stop the abusive ones, and fight for universal income.

Now, to remind you, my reinstated goal is to promote understanding of all people and push abusive people back from their victims.

Of course abusive people want me destroyed and unable to communicate or even facilitate others communicating.

I might actually succeed otherwise.

Now count the number of times I wrote the word “abuse”. Now imagine being so surrounded it’s all you can spit out.

If it’s a little overwhelming to read it’s very overwhelming to experience.

Don’t listen to their lies and misinformation, their dodging and reality abuse. Listen to the true message.

Please get along.

(Three are coming out today. Hold your breath for an interesting journey)

It was pointed out that abusive people are sometimes powerful. Or at least sometimes have power over your temper.

Yes they can be. Yes they can.

They gain it by cracking the backs of the people they step on to attain and maintain their power.

I pointed out that those of us with cracked backs or PTSD from attempts tend to unify eventually so they’ll probably cause a war.

Being illiterate might do it too.

I suggested that as a potential unifying force, I was targeted. I wanted to bring people together but I’m proletariat – I had to be isolated and controlled.

The same individual agreed. That was why I was a continuous target.

I have decided to balance being the nicest person with occasional party repost if my comment is productive.

There’s the word I need to remember. Is this statement productive?

It doesn’t matter if anyone believes I already was the sweetest thing you didn’t want to piss off. That’s my goal. To get it back. So in time they will believe I’ve returned to my true nature.

Why is pissing me off an issue?

No one wants the truth bomb that follows when anger loosens my tongue.

Which means abusive arses will never stop because I will never stop trying to bring patience and understanding to the forefront.

Regret times I lost my wording but not the meaning of my words.

Which runs counter to their power.

So does my book that is a signpost to compassion the structure of true healing and growth

I know what to do.

It’s walking the walk I’m working on. But the whole idea is inconvenient for the power of abusive arses.

So it depends if they want a martyr or not.

I guess we’ll see if my will to be a squeaky wheel that brings others together is enough motivation for me to survive your attempts to silence me at all costs.

Those that say I’m the only one they are abusive to?

Thanks for making it crystal clear you’d rather I be a scapegoat than free to write as I will.

Even work not yet published.