Sylvanna Devlin

(By request – as a longer book version is in the works)

A thorn in the mind is going to piss you off. Direct torture aside, some psychological abuse is just as bad.

Reactive abuse makes you think you’re the problem.

But make sure you distinguish between deliberate abuse and abusive behavior.

A lot of people in America have the latter. I have no tolerance for it anymore (separate from trying not to giggle at purely cranky behavior). But I don’t recommend it for everyone.

Let’s change our situation. Not ignore it. If you feel a relationship is changing you it’s possible, if you acknowledge it or not, you are supremely pissed off.

It can tear us up inside because that fuse gets burnt up no matter how long it gets or how much you dodge.

That’s not someone in a bad mood. That’s an asshole.

Then (sometimes) there’s don’t join them – flatten them.

Which is what I do.

So I try to avoid arguing if I can. (If I can, big “if” involved when it comes to being on the receiving end of cumulative abuse)

You may stop caring what others think because the others don’t want to believe you’re by nature good. And choose to believe the worst.

Even if you were a jerk some assholes don’t let things drop enough to change.

They might not have started as the asshole but they are then.

If it’s sheer cumulative reactive abuse use it as an unfortunate opportunity to climb on a clysdale. (More on that further on)

The more we give into heated arguments, from personal experience, the more fuel we feed our negative sides.

What if the situation is more complicated, however?

Abuse is so normalized in America that some people genuinely don’t realize how hurtful they are because they needle when angry – which is indeed still abuse. And America tries to force feelings into silence.

Even love is regarded with an eye of “what do you want?” And anger and frustration are rippling below the surface but somehow no one is allowed to talk about it like reasonable people.

Any remotely negative response is regarded as your own problem not the abuse of the needling bastard.

Relationships are partnerships you are both responsible for each other.

Okay?

Yes, friendships too.

Are you with me now?

If they don’t invent arguments to take it out on you it’s a maladaptive cultural habit. But some people are just cranky pants.

Your partner may be amazing unless you’re fighting. Leave, if the cops have to be called, but have no regrets. Try convincing him to get therapy to learn healthier ways to express and communicate frustration.

Do not suggest anger management- find out what’s really pissing him off and see if you can resolve it together.

The emotional “v” works on almost everyone because not everybody is really aware of what’s working under the surface and I don’t mean a painful childhood!

If the boss was an asshole and he doesn’t want to take it out on you but is irritable as fuck because he’s already pissed off it can turn quite toxic.

Really he might need some space and to chill with a violent video game.

Psychological hop scotch has argued violent games beget violent moods. That’s bullshit. Violent games release violent moods on a digital enemy.

No getting pissy over vent though!

Can being angry feed into being angrier? Yes. And it can seem to change us. We need a way to scream out rage however because our system is fucking ready. Those reflexes are fast and (sorry) furious..

If you can’t, it can go into the body like mine did. Never to be expressed because journaling doesn’t do it.

But fuck does that end in physical pain.

I am still looking for a way as so far have muttering and people hear that. So blog posts to get others to back off get written in a hurry.

Yes that is different from journaling.

Because I’m communicating to others.

It helps.

After enough harassment I went through a few stages till the Dragon in me decided it was an adult-adult and fucking tired.

But it’s not like that’s easy or even recommended- at least the method used!

I mean sure. If you generally regard people needling you as gnats you might swat at them once in a while but eventually they’ll learn to go back to being people.

They’ve all been the assholes.

And “just ignore them, they’re only trying to get a rise out of you.”

Isn’t helpful advice.

Nope you need that clysdale and to be confident sitting on it. Regard them as wailing babies who need to tire themselves out and wait it out.

Eventually their ire will settle and you can address any disagreement when they’re done being assholes.

But do address the trigger point because they might be more reasonable in motive than behavior.

Sorry this isn’t my best writing. I’m not feeling a hundred percent enthusiastic about the subject for some reason…

I have a wild theory. It’s shared by psychologists though. Just ones we don’t listen to because they’re skinny!

Speaking from the perspective of someone 80 lbs overweight- some medication at first but the rest (and since) caused by emotional eating…

A life with such grief would cause all kinds of attempts at coping mechanisms but I suspect there’s a “bonus” to being bigger.

Besides being able to put your weight into a punch!

Bear with me:

People are assholes when you are overweight. And it’s possible fitness is partially so appealing because the sex iis naturally better with a strong body that has a lot of “staying power”.

Fewer inhabitations help though and these days you can be fit and plump too!

But sometimes some of us would like to be left alone with a shipment of crisps.

We can certainly work on reducing fat shaming. But it might help to realize why some people don’t like losing weight. And that’s because they feel more visible and don’t recognize the mirror anymore!

Are you losing weight because you want to or are people being assholes about it?

Personally I don’t feel fat and glorious because of it. I’m frustrated by my size – particularly when I shop for clothes.

But there may (for some) be an instinct to stay less noticeable when dieting is scuppered.

It’s not necessarily healthy but add in you are the descends of the dust bowel survivors.

Your body is basically saying, “oh hell no. No more famine fuck off”

And your heart might greave from unwanted attention- or an alien in the mirror.

Sure your body self regulates when you cut sugar. I knew this. Didn’t listen because I was too upset to care. And now I set sugar aside for lent my tastebuds improved and as Dr. Lustig would have expected- my appetite dropped tremendously.

I’m not having an an anorexic relapse. I was having a bulimic one. But now my body is just “hand me the vitamins, I’ve got this”

I’m now going through a saggy awkward phase., however,

Visibly so.

But I need this fat to go.

That’s my theory. For some staying overweight helps them feel invisible. Which some don’t want and I don’t have a choice about.

But some do.

As an aside

Three things:

Emotional eating is nigh impossible to avoid once it’s started. I dumped it all onto Diet Coke at one point because everyone complained about it and it made it a guilty pleasure.

I’m getting more sensitive to sweetness again so I’m retraining my brain to crave salt not sweetener. Not that it’s good for me.

But I swear there’s perversity in our psychology that turns anything unhealthy into an illicit substance. (It probably causes a mild adrenaline surge)

Also:

Don’t become adverse to cooking by trying to do to much on low energy days.

And:

Hydration helps weight loss not by suppressing appetite but handing your body what it needs to liquify concentrated fuel

Think of it that way and take a multivitamin.

As the troll-bot is a broadcast device that operates on radio frequencies I suggest you press the FCC to step in.

I’m trying to create an anti-troll-bot AI but it will take time – and meanwhile I already have a target on my back.

It’s not like those who press the button don’t know.

Not just saying….

The instructions are close to other attacks on the brain – via attempts similar to force you to “get clear” (as an example)

Your physical brain has been attacked. You need to protect and then potentially rebuild.

You need an ass tone of zinc

Omega 6 (and 3 if you can get a complex)

Don’t take any Benzodiazepines, narcotics, or other opioids.

If you need help mellowing, god and veganism will forgive shortbread as the perfect example of the correct sugar, fat, salt combination to have a dopamine (as in stimulating the hormone) affect on the brain.

If you are strangely experiencing pain that passes 10 and needs its own scale?

It might be nerve pain.

At mild, its pain and tingling, and at extreme it’s hot lava nerves that also make everything touching you hurt and can make it hard to hold anything.

If you’ve ever had bone wracking flu (which can cause fibromyalgia) that’s about level one of nerve pain.

An attack on the brain can stimulate the same center that goes wonky in those of us with a pain syndrome and cause REAL pain in regular people.

Of course it’s in your head, where the fuck else processes the nerves saying “hey that hurts?”

CRPS is another example of a pain syndrome.

The pain is REAL the attack is REAL. It is not your imagination.

You may need to up your cholesterol intake afterwards. I’m not sure on that. Last I checked the jury was out on where your brain pulled cholesterol from. But knowing the human body, probably anywhere it can – just not necessarily efficiently.

Try eating something fatty.

Even if it’s avocado.

Your cognition will be impaired at first. Try to avoid operating heavy machinery if possible. Mellow out. Avoid drugs. And watch anime or something.

Remember. The pain you are experiencing is always REAL because your head does indeed process that fucking pain.

Heaping bullshit on me?

For a lie

Based on a lie

About a lie?

A promise is the only reason I continue to survive.

How will you feel if you push us all to die?

Those responsible, and I?

You seek a monster so you feel justified

And I won’t strike back and you wonder why?

Look in the mirror, you’re compounding a lie.

Which is a jolly good thing!

Suitably silenced. I must ask that if you wish to speak to me and have me pay attention it be in person.

Because anything else might be baiting from a Troll-bot.

Now it’s backed off I can never go through that again.

Please be gentle right now

I’m very fragile at this time.

But please do not mistake silence for loss of spirit.

Merely change.

Nor is my spirit broken

A broken spirit suggests another commands me. This is not the case

Attempt to assert power because I prefer not to speak to anyone? It’s likely to put me right back on the edge of suicide.

Back off.

Things did indeed change.

Since you asked for a picture:

I have been informed that there is someone who will lose her life if I do.

Someone responsible for some of what happened. She can’t live with this impending guilt anymore.

She promised that if I survived she would admit some of the lies about me. Tell the truth of what happened. And let me out of my digital prison.

I’m willing to wait and see.

I’m having difficulty maintaining my cool and my soft center is getting burnt by the intensity of my replies.

It’s not that they’re unwarranted. Just that pushing back twats is making me more miserable than baseline.

But just absorbing it is too painful.

As soon, the absolute instant, I sound like my mood is improving, someone shits all over me.

And I’m not the only one with that experience.

It makes it hard to remotely try the things we’re supposed to for the purpose of climbing out of hell.

And average chores are nigh impossible.

I start writing, the poetry flows, and someone – who should not be in a position to know my words – asks me to dumb it down.

I don’t think so.

But putting fingers to keys is a sign my mood is stable enough to create a little. And that’s an anathema to abusers.

In truth, my ex spouse Toad, bullied, harassed, nitpicked, baited, and in general abused me without the aid of an AI.

His reactive abuse gave me the nerve-pain based PTSD that this whole troll-bot situation compounded.

I don’t care who started it. The reasons are so varied it’s probably all of them.

I just want it to stop.

As for my squishy golden-hearted core? The one abusive arses say no one believes is there?

Said to hurt me, no better reason.

All the cruel things said to hurt me.

What do I do that I want to be loving and the world doesn’t seem to care.

But I am covered in their tar if I acknowledge a word they speak and they work every nerve until they succeed.

So today I went dark side.

No one believed I was kind, sweet, gentle and caring?

Indeed the response to the very idea is “come back to reality”

Fine I wouldn’t be.

But I’m not happy this way either.

I need a solution and fast.

A way to return to my core and refuse to sink to their level. Get a Clydesdale and ride it out of misery.

Or I’m out permanently.

Because I’m unhappy with this change.

And no one is willing to let me change back.

Tomorrow this ends or I do.