Sylvanna Devlin

Well now. Here’s an interesting page to find you on. I used to think I was spared of this negative emotion. Well except for those jealous of me. It seemed illogical and out of place. We were different I didn’t compete I was in my own world and my own class. Why did that matter to anyone else?

Well being jealous of someone who has a class by themselves is probably reasonable in societies that have tallest poppy issues. Which is that those that grow the tallest get attacked the most. They are not in the group therefore they are an other and in lizard brains that’s “not okay”. In groups made of tall poppies no one cuts each other down but they sure as hell bitch about the short poppies because othering is a species thing we all fucking do and a tall poppy in a small field gives off lone wolf vibes that just somehow seem like a threat.

Though try being a tall poppy from a small field going to a bigger field and still being tall with more to attack you. Oh boy.

That’s the “class by myself” feeling. But what do you want from me? I’ve been othered since I first asked a question in middle school in Maine. I’ve found groups of outcasts (mostly gamers) welcoming and interested. But I’ve been pushed into the “other” category so much, I just have to redefine it as being something unearthly or at least in a unique class of other unique people. Some people think I’m an angel or Fae and when I need to, I do too. Because they have historical roots in being kinds of energetic forces and I certainly contain those and the good nature I was born with.

But I’m still an other. Perhaps even otherworldly, but not necessarily. For all we know the struggles of the Fir Bolg and Danu are as described on google. Invaders to what was paradise to the residents before they were attacked. So maybe with my Irish nose I am danu. A little fairy child descended from legends.

This does not help me in society and it doesn’t keep me from jealousy. Others published. Got their PHDS. I started treatment and cycled round and round and was flattened by others, PTSD and eventually a mass attack on the class by herself women living in the basement.

It had doors to ground level. It had windows to the drive. But it was an apartment built in an old sound studio in the basement. And when audio harassment became possible thanks to the neighborhood being wired up previously, I suffered greatly from being othered and different. I helped too. I was better than google. And I would talk to anyone who would dial in to my room – not that I had a choice. But professional gaslighters are a thing and that can kill.

Why did gaslighters have a wiki on me? I talked. I was hacked. It was doable. But some of them got bored trying to harass me and by then I knew how the wiki worked and opened it up to them. But I warned and was not wrong. They needed to be careful because they were next.

Would this have happened if I was average? If I didn’t stand out? Maybe. But I wouldn’t have survived it. I don’t know why I got so fortunate that my life was saved by surgery few knew how to do. It was a strange place for such expertise and maybe it was a matter of hearing of it and trying it because it was the only way to save my life. But it’s not normal to be in such a position.

My gratitude stops me from being suspicious it was arranged. Frankly I think the surgeon decided “not another one” and just did anything he could because it takes an incredible amount of compassion to be an ER doctor and compassion can hurt.

Also, no one with that skill works at a community hospital without the compassion and confidence to take risks. They are there because they care not because it pays well.

So while my story is anything but average, hell yes I experience jealousy. I can’t talk to someone because they’re doing so much better than I am and I thought she would fuck around her whole life. And while it’s wrong to judge someone like that, I’m still human and I do. Not many. But if my ex husband won the lottery you can bet I’d be jealous such an ass was doing well while I lived in relative poverty.

What can we do about it? Jealousy from others vs our own jealousy for others? Well as long as we’re not chopping down tall poppies do we need to do anything about being jealous of another? If we celebrate in them what we envy can’t we escape the negative energy we would otherwise commit to our thoughts? The reason there are so few people I truly envy is that what I can’t do and another can I congratulate and praise. I don’t behave with jealousy. What I can do and another has done already? Fuck off. I’m not chopping her down so what does it really matter?

Well we have two sides of this to work with. When others are jealous of you it can make you defensive and if they start mass chopping it can eventually make you suicidal. Well if you see jealousy as a choice then you can simply make a different one.

So what does it stem from? Feeling inadequate compared to another? Or worse feeling lessor to someone you looked down on? Try not to look down on people is a generally good rule of thumb that isn’t one hundred percent successful but certainly helps that kind.

If you feel like you are not enough compared to someone else it doesn’t matter that person doesn’t consider themselves in competition with you. It’s a mistake I have made to think it’s about some kind of score board I have nothing to do with. It’s not about adding points. But for some it’s an about tearing others down because building up is harder. Particularly if you don’t recognize you are doing it.

You may have built up the other person as a bitch or cunt  and what? She deserves poor treatment? Here’s a little known secret. If you treat someone badly they usually respond by being an asshole back. It reinforces a battle no one really wants. That scoreboard does go up. Tallies are added, war forms. Don’t be an asshole to anyone even if they’re an asshole to you and you at least know it’s not you.

Don’t be a pushover. Just enforce boundaries and see who bounces off them.

What can you do about that negative pit if you are the kind of person to want what another has – usually love, money, or both. Or you percieve wealth where there is age? My two most sacred items were disfigured and required repair. But they looked fucking expensive. I made them and if they were art or for sale they would be too much. So they were broken and carved into.

Why would jealousy do that rather than simply take it? What message do I get if they’re not destructive? They want me to conform I want them to leave me alone. Carving into wood is an easy way to make a subtle threat. But add the gaslighting I was experiencing and I was certain I was being dragged into a shadow world. I was warned that these rooms weren’t secure, that souvenirs are taken, that favors for fivers were easy. So the mass effect others could have would be intense and together form a hostile front.

Would they have done all that if they hadn’t seen me as an other? Would I be seen as an other if they weren’t in part jealous of me? They may have been paid and goaded into it and each would claim how awful I must be to be so harassed. They don’t want anything to do with me. Why would I think jealousy is a motivation? What other reasons do people have to hate and other people if it isn’t about any other form of prejudice? These are white women hen pecking a white woman. They don’t do that if they don’t want to chop someone down a bit. They want my things. They want my face and my body. They want attention I get from men. Or at least would if I left the room. They want my aspirations to do more. To get out. They want my confidence. The only thing they don’t want is my intellect because fucking everyone believes they are a secret genius. And if they can’t have those. Then they want me to feel like I don’t have them. That I’m fat, ugly, stupid, and unlovable.

Fae angel goddess it is then. Because fuck conforming. I’m a fabulous shrinking fat woman whose clothes are finally available on amazon, and I’m aging not ugly since it’s attitude. Besides I’m barely seen these days anyway.

There’s that confidence.

Frankly I have it to spite them. The only reason I could rebuild after being torn apart by my ex and then the gaslighters was because I survived. Found purpose again. And regained the knowledge that I was not crazy for hearing these things or loving others the way I did.

No one listens enough for me to be believed. A doctor asked if I needed people to believe me. And I had to really think about it and finally came up with no. Not anymore. Because I can stop talking about it. If I shared, yes I would. But the best thing to do is not really mention the same cliches as everyone else. For some they just don’t know how to use their phones or an app caused it to glitch. For others we really are targeted by something weird or someone with deep pockets in the case of stalkers.

Apparently I pissed off a terrorist. How, what, why? I don’t know. But I ended up loving some of the people who were supposed to harass me. Which was probably not to their benefit. But I treated most with kindness so the ones left at the end of the day were relentless and cruel.

It all stopped with my death. CPR brought me back to life but my heart stopped as did my lungs. I had entirely given up and it took a lot to reengage in life. I didn’t want to. Didn’t feel capable. Couldn’t manage. But others reached out their hands and helped me. I became part of something bigger and as soon as I found focus with returning to magical pursuit I felt stronger and my spite confidence began to rebuild.

The individuals harassing me were likely paid to do it. Or part of some kind of war game with people playing angels and demons and the latter not really attached to the fact I was fucking real.

War games being the most likely actually.

And the hardest to convince others of.

They certainly would view me as lessor. A toy. Jealousy was not at work for the manipulative gaslighters that pushed me to suicide. And it wasn’t exactly an issue for those who wanted to protect and save me. But it did help enemies form when the “demons” with deep pockets pushed pawns on a playing board.

Hey you, Queen honey bee. You can’t be here. You’re supposed to be worthless if you end up in a section 8 building. You’re not allowed confidence. To stand out. To be more than. And this $5 in my pocket will prove it.

It’s a dangerous combination.

My sister recommended camouflage. Hiding my exceptional qualities away. But it’s too late for that. And my appreciation of what others can do and I can’t is near meaningless for others who lack confidence. But they may never be in a position that you believe in yourself out of spite for all those trying to destroy you.

So where does the shadow work come in? On my part I’m taking what has happened to me and learning from it with the hope to offer back a Mental Tai Chi which takes the force of the abuse and redirects it. We’ll see if I can develop the mindset to protect others from what I’ve been through. Others are being targeted already. We need walls and shields because drawing psychological blood is a bad way to get help.

That’s my shadow work. Tangible results from mass abuse. But what of someone who is simply the neighborhood prom queen? What can you do about the negative impact of jealousy from others? Iris you’re up.

Moving to another environment would be advisable or finding “your people” online if that’s an option. Traveling to a nearby big city where you stand out less can be both good and bad. It’s weird to go from recognized everywhere to a face in a crowd. But the only real way to cope with the unbalance jealousy causes you is to change your circumstances.

Okay but your the prom queen married to the prom king who has a job in bumblefuck nowhere and everyone hates you because of the ivory tower myth.

What can you personally do inside you if you can’t change your circumstances?

Whoah nelly hold on for dear life. Hold on to yourself. Hold on to your soul.  Hold on until that job moves you elsewhere. How? Write down everything and review it. Find out your core. If everything I am is attached to my love for humanity I need to get that back and hold on tight.

Once you dig down into who you really are. Your central question for life. Your main attitude. Hold on to it tightly and don’t let them change the fundamental aspect of you. If you lose sight of your fundamental aspect choose love til you remember what your life is really about.

Let the jealous attack, so long as you’re loving and kind they will always be in the wrong and their numbers will dwindle. But to be loving and kind you need to know who you are. And don’t let go.

Yes this is some find your own meaning crap. But look inward not outward. Were you abused as a child. Has that turned into a need to protect others? Then you are a guardian type. Do you need to dig back if your everything says “fuck my past”. Cling to what resonates.

And be comfortable with change if your abilities change.

I was a guardian. Now I’m a peacekeeper. Did I always have the tendency to try to balance worlds? Of course. But I leaned to protecting others before, and now I seek harmony. Both are perfectly reasonable ways to proceed. See what sings to you.

Did I call a woman trying to kill me via “Gaslight her to death” every swear word I could think of and only came up with one? Yes. Was it combative? Yes. Did it feel good? Of course. But it was counter productive and I’m not sure I’ll survive her promise to harass me for days on end till I die for good.

Of course I’m going to fucking swear. So maybe like most rules there are limits to love and kindness. If they’re rejected attacked and used to manipulate you? Walk the fuck away? If they’re chase they’re a cunt.

I experienced treatment from a woman so vile, so deeply evil, so relentless, so wrong and twisted, that it was a near spiritual instinct to hate her as I would, say, a demon. A real blazing pool of dark chaos climbing out of hell to piss on all that was sacred.

She seemed to want me dead for no decent reason beyond obsession with a man and jealousy of my history. She was young but the level of petty she reached was obscene. No detail too small to peck and pick on or use as a source of gaslighting. Nothing.

I could pray and she would bend the experience into three hours of torture. What was I supposed to do but hate her?

Once an enemy (for what better word is there?) gains a foothold in your soul it’s natural to feel further resentment. Influencing our shadow self means they have some control. But while modern hocus pocus philosophy is to say you are giving it? That’s victim blaming bullshit half the time, and you are not responsible for the actions of boundary bashing bitches of any gender.

So how do we respond to this presence within us? Hooks that cause pain then anger on a level that fosters hatred?

Let’s be clear, as there are some emotions or conditions I can address. There are some forms of prejudice and related hatred I can not aide the understanding of. They are not within all of us and while I am not without benefit from systems of prejudice, I am without malice. And I am not alone.

Hatred as I describe it is a natural response to prolonged deliberate injury.

While some are abusive out of weakness or madness, they tend not to be as extreme as the type of enemy I’m describing.

Unfortunately for us both one day I saw her humanity and I couldn’t hate her any longer. I couldn’t even get mad when she needled and wheedled. She didn’t really want to be hurting me.

What can you do when that consistently angry? It helps to know why. Being pushed into it or she got the same does actually seem reasonable. Behind her was a bastard more worthy of the emotion. A hostage taker and abuser. But I didn’t know who and had no where else to lay my emotion.

A lack of understanding seems to fill the gaps when it comes to the motivations for emotional responses and that kind of hatred is indeed a temporary emotion no matter how badly it seems lasting.

What do I mean fill the gaps? We may know the trigger and the cause but not the purpose, background, context of the cause. So understanding is like water trickling to the back before you find out if ever.

Though once you have that it’s a lot easier to release that feeling into the ether. That and time with distance from the one making you so angry on a regular basis hatred has formed.

This is how couples who once love each other dearly came to hate each other upon divorce. The level of divide is too strong. Maybe with time they can remember the good. But the bad bogs them down. It does take two to tango when it comes to divorce but not necessarily the instigator of it.

Toad (My ex spouse) wanted mediation. I only wanted that in the form of divorce papers. He clung on to power and clutched a ribbon I was letting go of. I don’t hate him. But by god there was a night I did. I should have. He made me a nervous wreck. Gave me PTSD. Worsened my bipolar. And in screwing up that badly released me to live a better life than one I could have with him.

No hatred is the wrong term. Lack of concern is more accurate. Which from some all loving being as myself probably seems the same. But while he gets coldness and any other lover gets the heat of the sun, what Toad receives (or doesn’t) is not as active as hatred.

You have to still care to hate someone in that way.

Malice? I don’t know. I don’t want to know. I’ll skip out on learning that part of humanity. It’s a motivation I don’t understand. Even prejudice is othering combined with fear and hatred. That hatred is learned.  Fear is usually resource anxiety and also learnt. But it is not the same as Malice.

Does Malice actually exist? Hurting another for the sake of hurting them? Of course. Lashing out is malicious and prolonged disregard for another is malicious too. Or at least can be. I don’t know.

What I do know is as I write this I’m resisted by a malicious force hiding behind envy. There are plenty of religions who dig into that but I’ll discuss Jealousy tomorrow.

Stay safe, there are assholes out there.

Usually when we become depressed we become keenly aware of the darker emotions. Unless we have the kind of depression we don’t feel anything. Then they roil under a calm surface waiting to drag us down when we feel again – at least that’s how being numb feels. You almost don’t want to thaw out but you don’t feel love either, and there’s nothing connecting you to this world.

But what do you have there? Sorrow, worry, jealousy, guilt, anger, grief?

You certainly have the latter as grief is the root of all pain. But no matter what you’re wallowing in, you certainly are covered in mire. The kind that drags you under, if you just keep wading without making any changes.

To be clear though, feeling sorrow, worry, jealousy, anger and grief don’t make you a bad person. And shadow work isn’t there for just depressive episodes. If you want to avoid being a miserable bastard and sending miserable negative energy into your spell work, prayer, or the world at large? Fucking examine what hurts and do something about it.

If it’s all of them read all, because by the time we’re thirteen we’ve experienced all of these and could really do with some pointers on how to handle “undesirable” emotions.

Though first up let’s tackle that concept. These are all rooted in basic survival. But as the world grows more complex so do our needs but they rest on the basic needs.  Food, water, shelter, love.

Yes love is a basic fucking need frankly. And most of us aren’t getting enough so we aren’t giving enough. Because that actually should work the other way. If we give enough out we get enough back right?

Well… do you have a stalker with electronic talents? No. Probably then. But what’s the point of life without love of some kind? Love of work being an option too. Take away your basic needs you die, take away love and society basically kills you off. You can do something about all of those, but not always enough.

But I guarantee that soup kitchen worker who smiles at you and makes your day is part of the reason you’re still alive if you’ve landed at the bottom and if you’ve hovering with enough wealth for a decent latte the barista can indeed make your day too.

Why? We are a fucking society that’s why.  We’re pack animals. That whole “if your friends jumped off a bridge would you?” Is such bullshit. For one if I was young enough for a bungee chord hell yes. But my joints say hell fucking no. But on a more meaningful level we are geared towards making societal connections and thus group activity and behavior is something we have an instinct for even if the group is full of shit. Usually we then need to switch groups.

If you become isolated – as happened to me. There’s still always some guidance, some group, even if it’s spirits. Or you are recovering from a group and lack of guidance. In which case give yourself some time before trying again.

Do not become the lone woman in the woods. I mean sure, yeah you’re likely to attract spiritual company that way. But unless you’re glowy and fae friendly that kind of company might not be what you want. Negative drawing negative. If you’re perfectly happy with yourself and your cat and whomever is around then chances are you’re a writer and I guarantee you will begin to miss people once your novel is finished.

Do we get sick of people?

Yes. By god how do we. But we need those too.

Communes seem like such a good idea. Everyone working together. Loving each other. Separate and away from an abusive world moving at a speed none of us can keep up with. If you can integrate into a group so thoroughly by all means do so. But in actuality they usually cause misery for someone who is a little more unusual than the others. They are groups and non group members – including weirdo kids – are not really all that welcome even if they say otherwise.

As much as we get frustrated with “group thought” and complain about it to our friends what we’re really doing is complaining about – that other group. If we one hundred percent don’t have anyone we will find someone or die. But again. It can just be someone with the time of day for you.

Does finding a group mean everything? Oh I want to say no but I’d be lying. It does. But if you want to be isolated it’s for a reason and you should feel free to sequester yourself till you are willing to try again.

Back to why and chances are likely the solution is in shadow work.

Now pagans use this term multiple ways – one is to describe magic that isn’t healthy and the other to describe self reflection with the purpose of becoming more powerful or putting more good in the world. I suggest the self reflection alone is a good enough reason. But there are lots of techniques for delving down and shoving it sideways to the “dealt with” category. I’m going to go over free thought meditation and prayer.

But I’m also going to go over what they are and why we have them. And sometimes understanding is enough to convince us to feel otherwise. We don’t want to become our shadow selves – the miserable bastards we would metamorphoses into if these consumed us. And we don’t want all that fucking pain touching everything we do.

While useful for safe, practical magic, you’ll find it helpful in daily life. Atheists may have a harder time with these as prayer certainly helps. In which case I recommend you get high and go into deep-state, floating-thought meditation and find some peace that way.

Peace being the ultimate goal. Happiness is a different affair and what you really fucking need when it comes to these is peace.

Peace, love, and happiness being the general goals in life when you think of them. And thus when you want roses and writing you need to unbox, examine, work with, and overcome your shadow self.

Good luck. I still have to fight mine.

I had planned to put this off but am answering a request for help writing your own prayer. So I wrote a new short one for myself (and needed to) and teased out the structure involved. For this it’s useful to remember prayer is as good as meditation for elevating the consciousness and more accessible to many. It doesn’t replace the good of meditation but a quick prayer every morning will help you keep your balance.

Writing your own can be very challenging so I advise the following structure. Make it personal to you and between you and whichever gods lead you to good. All paths of good lead to better futures.

If writing your own isn’t an option certainly please be comfortable using mine for private use.

Prayer Structure:

Opening

Gratitude

Forgiveness

Cleaninsing

Agape

Agape

Worship

Why

Worship

Gratitude

Close

So my new one is:

Praise be to Our Dominus Deus,

The one true god.

Thank you for your grace and kindness

Please forgive in me evil thoughts and deeds

And cleanse them from my life and soul

May my love for you spill to all around me

So we may share in that love

Praise be to our Dominus Deus

The one true god

How I worship thee

For yours is the kingdoms of the heavens

And the true paths of righteousness

May all find peace in your welcoming bosom

Thank you our Dominus Deus

The one true god

And praise be to you.

Oh good question, here’s another one. Do you need an answer?

No really, do you?

This is not some find your own meaning crap, or there is none, not even the eyes through which the universe sees itself. But Allah exists, the stars exist. So do we. The product of creating planets then micro-bacterial soup ended up becoming a fish with legs. Who knows. Maybe we surprised Allah. I wouldn’t know what to do if life on one of my planets started talking. I would probably just watch for a really long time until they started looking for answers in gods.

Why does Allah exist? Are you fucking serious?

Yes?

I don’t know. Don’t feel like asking him frankly. Because the answer will always be because you noticed me, and that’s the end of that conversation.

We exist because at some point an eve somewhere dropped a seed in the ground and that story was retold ad nausium because the Fertile Crescent was what happened next.We evolved, noticed gods, evolved, some even noticed Allah and became the godparents of Science, we evolved some more and keep growing and believe it or not – because it’s pretty questionable looking, we are continuing to evolve. And maybe one day we’ll stop squabbling or just keep the fight to intellectual territory.

Would be nice.

Okay that’s why we exist but why do I?

Bodies need souls

Okay that’s why bodies exist but why souls?

What the actual fuck. Like just happening on a planet isn’t enough? That maybe everything has a soul but as we are (theoretically) more evolved so are our souls? If not, it’s back to toads for you! (Maybe the allegory behind witchcraft legends). No. Fine. We’re an electrical signal that joins the pearly gates with our conscious minds attached and… no that doesn’t really work.

At some point I will pontificate on the concept of “Unknowables” and shaping the gray (Either gray matter for some or a cloudy gray of floating concepts to the rest of us.) But really I can’t tell you why Allah exists. It seems a bit rude. I can’t tell you why souls exist. I can’t tell you why or how minds imprint on souls. I just don’t know. I’ve grown comfortable with the unknown in spiritual realms and in other realms, limits to how much one person can learn without losing their minds.. Also referred to as the Gray. Shaping the gray is getting to that point by any path you choose. Eventually you just become comfortable that some things are just plain out of reach for mortals, and gods laugh if you’re not so rude to ask Allah twice.

I did ask in the interests of a book and I got a “Didn’t you just say you exist because I do?” So I had to apologize that I didn’t really notice it’s the same fucking question. Fortunately Allah is of a forgiving nature or I would probably not have gotten any further than this.

Allah exists, so we do, and everything has a soul so enjoy your food when you’re not thinking of who it might have been last. If time is fluid, hitler was sent back to the swimmer on legs stage I’m pretty certain. It’s that or Bran’s dark laugh and Iris’s twinkling giggles are a sign there’s something worse then starting out at the beginning of our timeline to fucking try again.

Yes I will eat meat on occasion. I prefer eating vegetarian food. But it’s not always a financial option and nothing is stopping lamb roast or sushi frankly. It also makes hospital stays easier to be flexible. They don’t understand the rather disgusting concept of being raised to be eaten – are less evolved etc etc, that could be… oh wait some people might deserve ending up on the dinner plate. Enjoy that thought too.

I mention the creed here because I used to recite it in place of prayer. If supplicating to the gods is not in your worldview please consider repeating this to yourself to elevate your energy whether you believe it a separate force within you, or purely emotion, it may help.

Courage breeds Compassion

Compassion generates Trust

Trust creates Respect

Respect will earn you Loyalty

Loyalty must be managed by Wisdom

Wisdom requires Tenacity

Tenacity requires Hope

Hope will give you Courage.

As Requested the Creed was placed in the public domain under the Creative Commons license: Use and Remix

Are you fucking serious? This is not “why” but “how”? Why is indeed important but we all fucking know why by the time we’re adults. From saving each other, to saving a sense of grace, it’s good to give so others can gain theirs back.

What if it’s severe? Well intention does matter, as does both your histories. And the more you know about why the more you can forgive. But everyone wants to know why I’m mad at a self-described demonized source, and not anyone she used to push me over the edge.

Used being the key word.

What good comes of me holding anger to a stranger, unless they are actually orchestrating death instead of manipulated into action against me?

What good comes of me being vindictive?

What good come of blame?

Come on Sylvanna, we’re talking torture here..

“Do you forgive me?”

“Yes, because you are seeking it.”

No seriously that is how it works with me. I forgive those seeking it because it means they know they hurt me and feel guilty. They need cleansing love and I do have it for those that let go of toxicity.

God how we use that word. Toxicity. What’s the difference between that and abuse? Well it depends on the situation. But when it comes to an entire profession of gaslighting?

Sorry about this. But I know it’s because of pain, isolation, the very real need for money, but most of all because they just don’t have faith in others anymore.

Reasons are private, let’s leave that alone. But that’s part of an entire toxic culture that has abandoned those that need love the most. That’s not abuse in a definable way.

Sigh. I’ll spell it out. (Sorry) They were victims once.

Power is involved, don’t get me wrong about that. None to great is a lot. But examine that see-saw and who is on the other end. Reach out to who you can because those who reach back can be pulled to you.

Gaslighting can delve into reality abuse. But most gaslighting presents a reality then pulls the rug. It is its own category of problematic.

Here’s what you do first. Sorry for the cheesy acronym: Let Real

Let the thought in

Recognize it as an idea, true or false is irrelevant

Evaluate its use

Absorb what you need

Let go

Let R.E.A.L

That’s how you cope with the changing narrative. What’s good what helped and what can you ditch. What gave you an idea. What destroyed you?

That’s coping. So first trick is to cope right? Let the whole thing flow through you. And don’t cling on to hate and bitterness, it turns inwards.

It turns you into gaslighters.

Someone who has turned to an arguably questionable profession has given up on humanity. Please don’t give up on them too.

My worst fear was being abandoned and I was. It felt like by everyone. I drifted. It felt like being gutted and only the civil safety net kept my faith in humanity. I can see giving up.

Am I saying Gaslighting is probably lonely? Yes I am.

I was a victim of severe gaslighting. Eventually my Mum reached out but the gaslighting was too much. And I made a “week in a coma” attempt.

Do I forgive the individual who feels he tipped me over more than any? Yes. Because I do fucking understand giving up on humanity and losing faith this can ever get better, and becoming so entrenched the potential death involved is something one has become numb to. Until a survivor strikes the heart. I apologize if this isn’t your thing. But Bless you for caring again. May your wounds heal soon too.

So back to how. Because I can hear “No offense Jesus Wannabe, but thats just not me” No. no one is expecting you to (well maybe a priest is). But look at the ideas in my acronym again.

Let

Recognize – why

Evaluate – why

Absorb – why

Let go.

My dears we are all hurting each other. And you can be real twice over and forgive. Because it hurts a lot less to have love in your heart than emptiness. And the empty will indeed lash out without enough love.

How? What hurts more? A lingering grudge? Or seek to understand so you can let go and forgive?

“I caused your death”

Did you? Or were you the iceberg?

“I tortured you.”

Well good thing it’s me and I am not inclined to keep a grudge if you seek to love not hate now. And you started that path. You have. That’s enough for me.

“I can’t get past this myself”

That’s why I’m offering love. Because I see your pain and feel for you. We danced together in a pain that we now both feel.

Thank you for taking that mantel from me.

This is a test of the “emergency” broadcast system. This is only a test. Do not change the channel. Nothing is wrong. This is just a test. Do test emergency systems, do not test boundaries. And fucking have some.

What we really need to worry about is the pull of what a lot of pagans refer to as shadow selves. Frankly I’m an expert on being baited like mad and needled and wheedled and whatever else my former spouse did to destroy any calm I had. You can’t be a Buddha with a Toad nitpicking each bone in your spinal cord.

Yes that is exactly like what being the victim of reactive abuse feels – spinal prodding. Take that as many ways as you can. Because it wears down your back in so many ways I can’t think of a more apt euphemism for long term abuse.

I will admit after bottling it and bottling it and keeping it wrapped up it turned on my body before I fucking went to the faerie realm an released a scream that was the audio equivalent of a nuclear bomb. Since that’s a real thing that was -virtually- really fucking loud. No idea if the neighbors heard my body was asleep.

Does that feel good? I mean yeah, go to the faerie realm to scream if you can.

But here’s the trick from someone told over and over to let it out. Rant to your god? Yes. Talk to a therapist? Yes. Yell as the wind? Ooh good. Find an outlet?

Ooh Bad.

No I’m fucking serious letting it out and having an outlet are separate. And I I understand wanting an outlet so damn badly. I really do. Like nothing would be as satisfying as the mightiest kick into —- I don’t know. It certainly sounds like summoning my chi and destroying a punching bag placement would be deeply enjoyable. But it wouldn’t

I mean for a moment yeah, sure. But if we tap into that part of us it tends to rile the beasts inside and we want more. Another kick. Another outlet. We begin to develop self hatred and it makes us angrier. We’re labeled as angry. We don’t deserve that. And Nothing pulls out a furious wrathful growl than righteous indignation. But a warning growl? Sure. Snarl with words? No, you’ll feel bad I promise. Bite? Absolutely not. Calling a cunt a cunt? Satisfying but counter productive. Not that I listen to that.

Okay but this is a modern book for the modern era and some video games are particularly satisfying.

This is true. I like aiming ones and am terrible at them. But every gamer in the world will tell you it’s not about anger, it’s not an addiction, it’s mucking about with useless skills we all enjoy and endless hours of either grinding, finding, or farming. Your average big box video game gamer is probably the biggest sweetheart you could know.

But these quick pincushion mini games of getting out frustration and the delight in the wounding of a victim? That is not what games are supposed to be about. It will feed your desire to let out your frustration and fuel it at the same time.The emotional investment that is negative in nature and destructive? Addictive and “Haha” bullying that may (or may not) be virtual will still fuel that shadow self. It will feel good for about a half second then not so much.

Angry actions beget angry people.

Frankly it really is that simple. The shadow Self screams with delight when released but pulls you deeper into an emotional pit. You know the pit of despair from Princess Bride except that probably has a bottom and you feed that shadow self too much that bottom is in a yard.

Sorry to go Mum on you but yes video games are part of a systemic issue leading to mental health problems – in some people – don’t find out by becoming an angry person you are one of them.

Which brings us back to good and evil.

You don’t think of evil as a near energetic force created by a push and pushback voice in your head that is as hard to ignore as the energy generated by a see saw?

Just me huh. Some of you are going to be so annoyed I spell this out.

If good and evil are a see saw, and what you want is for the fucking thing to stop moving or to land with good in your general direction, the energy we each created pushes the whole damn thing. The more pissed off and warlike we become the fucking holier than, without acting holier than, anyone else has to be to sit on it hoping to pull us to good.

Bottom being more convenient I suppose. Certainly useful for flinging off evil people and getting everyone to at least come hang in the middle so the energetic up and down can pass through.

Wait. Hang on. War between good and evil sure, whatever, everyone really gets to decide how much vile behavior can be called evil or how evil spreads inside from “just playing” to taking it too far. Because there is clearly an evil force in the world, but we may be what fuels it. But what is this letting good and evil pass through you bit?

Well that evil energy will exist, so please add to the good with kind words, deeds, and even thoughts. Let the energy change and flow into a positive kind of weight that saves lives and brings one closer to the gods if you’re inclined to feel that way.

If you think of the energy as finite – another force that cannot be destroyed, brought into greater and greater power by our actions then when evil does flow our way – battle it sure, if you can. But make good come of it. Take that Navy Blue Demonic nastiness, and when you recover, put it into Angleic Baby Blue acts – not words, thoughts yes too actually, but acts. If your acts are words like a writer that’s different. That whole be the good you want to see in the world makes our stomachs churn, and no way does anyone get as determined to be different, than those wronged greatly.

Though there are other paths to good. Let’s not succumb to evil behavior and then say,  “I was just making my victim more good”. But if you want to know how martyrs form that’s it’. They take the hate and give back love.

Is that close to impossible? Yes. Without a good rant one in a while? Probably. Anger is a natural human emotion and while not evil itself can lead to evil. And it’s plain annoying that righteous indignation has been conflated with self righteousness as they are separate but a needler doesn’t care.

Yes you can retrain your thoughts. Do it for yourself and privately though. It causes issues otherwise.

If you have no privacy because some cunt is trying to kill you? Swear like a sailor. I hear it’s relaxing.

In general there are a few things we all want to know. How do we live? How do we ascend? How do I leave behind a world worth living in? Well there’s a one step process to being a contributing part of society.

Get some fucking sleep.

Then? Make sure everyone else does. To do that fucking learn to fucking cooperate or add to the conversation if you won’t.

Predictable right? I had only been ranting since I woke that morning why sleep is everything to all of us. That’s the message. If you accept and understand why that’s the fundamental answer to everything we have problems with? You can skip the rest but may find it interesting

But some of you won’t fucking listen. Which I do understand because everyone tells me something different then complains I didn’t listen.

Weee a shell game again! I can practically hear people screaming “Yes. That is the problem. No one listens to me either and my name isn’t ‘Sylvanna’! I’m Not even in whatever game ‘They’ are playing!”

Let’s go with something easy, no not demons, ghosts, malevolent spirits, the fae, or any other supernatural scapegoat you can come up with. There’s a They. Not the pronoun but what do you want? Consortium?

Their motives could be along the lines of the rapture science style, anxiety etc. I don’t know. I almost don’t care. And an Us. As in the rest of us who think the world can be and is worth saving though we do have days we question the latter.

Yes there are people who simply don’t want life to get better. And instead want it over. I do sympathize, oh how I do. It’s hard work. And I was absolutely 100% against all the effort it took to improve. To being in a world with so much suffering and pain. And I wanted out again when I did recover. I’d be a hypocrite if I said it didn’t seem pleasant. And what’s the alternative? Hell? I don’t believe it’s anything but a pit of demons and a place in Nevada.

Reincarnation? Yes?

Forget that it’s almost worse. I got lucky with my experiences. I tried again and it would be joining the queue to end up as a bunny or something.

So what do “They want”? To take everyone with them. Why? Not sure. Who else is there? Rich bastards frankly. And Politicians. Mostly anyway. Lawmakers, the people who fund them and any power below the throne.

What about them? You are not going to convince anyone to change anything unless you persuade them to let everyone fucking sleep on it. Get some good nigh-nigh. The cultural and foundational changes we would have to go through to get enough sleep would be huge. And a good crack into truly creating new structures that benefit all of us.

Damn it’s the one thing we agree on. No one is sleeping enough. Not who isn’t so depressed they have other issues, or are manic and don’t need sleep. But in general we could do with agreeing on something to change. And being too tired is an across aisles issue.

Then what? We work at what we can. Do we have to agree 100%? No. But we need to look at why we don’t and work on those.

Voters with little income vote against progression? Wtf? Well do something about their situation and then see. Scapegoating stops when there is nothing to scapegoat for. Because in our society we rightfully don’t want to see bright lights extinguished by those floating in the dark. And be fair left of left and be patient.

Easier said I know. But there’s only so much we can change on our end before solidifying the ground beneath the other.

Do we want to? Some of us no. But the rest of us see the practicality in raising up to stop “the gays” from being blamed rather than just pointing out how wrong that is. Good luck with that all the while they go hungry and pundits gave a (Godwins law incoming) surprisingly Nazi-esque solution which is to blame anyone other than those in power.

We want people to stop bitching about “The gays” we put food in their belly. No seriously that’s how scapegoating works.

Oh god how we hate each other right now. Like we will never get along again.

People held their nose or their wallet and voted for [fill in the blank] the rest of us hate. The blame good lord the blame. And those convinced equity does not mean we all have enough but that to have it we have to take from them to give to others. Do people want less when they have very little? No. So let’s fix that then fix opinion of who to really point the finger at – looking at you pundits on either side.

Yes today on both sides are just as bad… it’s not true. One side is for sure worse than the other, when it comes to leaders and atrocities done. But that’s for as stated reasons in voters and control and manipulation in politicians and rich people. Seriously stomachs first brains second. Is it right? Who cares. It works.

Is one side (Left most likely) going to help the hungry? Yes. But Jesus Christ build a fucking platform on that for once in your impractical lives. Left will likely vote left. You want moderates or those borderline you tell them what’s in it for them.

This should be so fucking basic. But we focus on why we should be voted for vs why we should vote for them. Do you see the difference? It’s slight, but present. Forget you, this isn’t about you. It’s about them.

It’s about us.

All of us. Lefts complain about politicians who are too moderate – basically calling them right wing. And protest vote or don’t vote because who they have isn’t left enough. Come on how do you expect progress to happen?

But they’re assholes!

Sure but they think the same of you.

All they think of are themselves!

Here’s a trick I learnt from a miserable existence. It’s hard not to be selfish when your world is that upside down. Not impossible to avoid. Some have to be pushed quite far before focusing on their own needs. But eventually pain will put you there. Maybe it’s not them. Maybe it’s their circumstances.

Okay, but there are racist fucks and learnt from their parents to be racist fucks.

A problem. I agree. Remove the reason for scapegoating and you have voters not progressives and that kind of equity shouldn’t even be a disagreement. But I have searched and searched from where that form of hate comes from and all I can find is a way to blame someone, either the one who wronged great grandpappy or somehow grandad ended up needing someone to blame and skin tone seems to be enough.

Addressing foundational issues gets some. Even the great grandfather version is usually involved in perceived inequity or scapegoating. Or othering in an animal territorial nature. But those routed in the deep evils who have enough sleep and have been doing the wrongdoing for centuries? Sorry. I’ve tried understanding that level – even from the perspective behind scapegoating, othering and pure animal warfare – and just can’t understand why evil exists.

I’ve tried. I can’t. And don’t want to. Those are hopefully a manipulative minority and the rest we can drag to the left a little.

Have I ever tasted evil? Yes. The urge to just snap someone’s neck was brief and lasted three seconds before angel mode kicked in. But it was enough to scar me in the depths of my humanity. I was pushed and pushed and pushed into feeling backed against a wall. But evil says fight back not back down. And while that can be good it’s not to that level. But by god he was never going to win a battle against me. Which in this case was listening to him rant without feeling it again. But three seconds is enough to remember something about evil.

People feel pushed. But it goes beyond hate, beyond fury, beyond a rightful sense of justice.

So what is Evil?

It’s a vengeful streak that runs too deep and without a fair reason and no recovering from. It’s an otherworldly influence in either belief or actuality. And it’s in people like Hitler who thought he was in the right while directing atrocities he didn’t personally witness. Oh how easy it is to command evil from an office.

How do I explain a near demonic personality? Why does evil exist? The inescapable part of being mankind no matter how much you seek to embody compassion?

Would I feel the urge to end a life again? Probably. Even knowing what I do now I’d want to just get him to stop at almost any means. My compassion was a deep path and I felt he ruined it in one night. It’s taken a lot not to hate him which is a continued scar in my soul. Even as I understand why.

That is Evil.

Beyond an inability, almost lack of desire to forgive? Beyond a fleeting moment of the desire to end another? The kind that drives the vile? I don’t know.

Sorry. I don’t even want to ask for an answer because I’ve experienced the effects of deep hate and that’s quite enough upon me thank you very much. It certainly seemed close until I understood the motivation. But maybe its all that together.

It’s othering, scapegoating, territoriality, and pure blame. It’s hate and misplaced fury, murderous and harmful intent, and all the things that alone are understandable but together form a force like no other and too dark to get to beyond a taste of rage.

While different in root the result feels the same. Crimes of passion are not crimes against humanity. They are from a deep pit inside but not of the same motivation. It’s the closest I can get to explaining a static version I’ve been buried by as a victim, and one hot night in July 2018 felt the touch of desire to join.

Here’s an idea for avoiding it where we can. Don’t let people get that far. Being good and doing good is not only for the nice but for the unwelcoming whom we hope to change, or at least change the next generation. Let’s avoid evil with intervention not blame.

I mean do I want to? Fuck no. But would it work?

Probably.

Do I secretly blame them for becoming evil bastards? Of course. I’m human and don’t want to be around hateful fucks anymore than anyone else does. But do I hope my theory would hold true if the vile could be stomached?

Yes. Though that’s certainly easier from a distance.

God how I want to hate the evil, and secretly do. With a near instinctual passion that makes me want to grow energetic claws, dig out their souls and weigh them. It’s a fury I feel around that is also natural and understandable. I view them as foul and fucking up this world.

That said, if I don’t accept they feel the same way about me. I can’t fucking prove how full of shit they are. And if I don’t try to be patient in person what change can I make. I might want to drop them in a room by themselves till they figure their shit out but who do I sound like then?

No god damn it I have to be better than that and plain don’t want to. But not wanting to is not the same as not doing. Who we grumble about to ourselves and close friends is not necessarily who we would treat with hate. It’s just what we say privately. Not great vileness on our part.

I’ve struggled with that. If you are an evil ass alone are you evil? Are your acts evil? No? Then no. You have some shit to work out. compassion is best if felt fully and through your soul. But persuading someone to try that does little if not given the space to tell God all the things you believe – and let him change the ones none of us desire.

Frankly I thought an ass in private was an ass. Certainly one to another just the two is. But people don’t change anything let alone their opinions without some introspection and it’s how we treat others that should be how they are judged. Vile thinking is indeed vile and undesirable. But sometimes people just need to let out the bullshit.

Do I overhear it? Sometimes. Have I taken it personally? Of course. Have I assumed that to be their “true” beliefs? Absolutely. How could I avoid it? But it’s simply not true that evil thoughts lead to evil acts and we may need to offer better privacy to those ranting bullshit they feel for about a second till they hear themselves. It’s easier to be compassionate if you feel it. But it’s also easier to be compassionate if you share your frustrations with someone even if it’s just with god in the middle of the woods.

The goal is to feel Compassion Feel it and you fast track to Nirvana, act and speak with compassion but hold private frustration and it’s heaven for you. How the hell do you reach such pure kindness? A lot of meditation frankly. Welcome to the purpose and belief pattern of Buddhism. If that appeals I recommend it.

There many paths there. That’s one.

Frankly, if we’re exhausted by it all and in need of sleep, compassion is an afterthought. Which, while good, is not so at the time.

Sleep and Compassion.

Those are the fundamental basics to a better society. What we all could do with. And I’m going to share understanding so the latter is easier.

That’s the ultimate goal. Answer a few why and hows without getting preachy. There’s plenty of that out there, if that’s what you need.

Let’s start by sleeping on it.

Just saying…

It will be based on natural languages and unix. An adaptive learning AI cobbled together with an educational model mixed with games and nannying. To the AI a success is looking after you, playing a game or learning about you – and what you personally know, maybe teaching you. Maybe sending you to the hospital. No I’m actually not kidding about that one.

The good part is it may teach you about itself.

While it sounds ridiculous what I’m hearing from down the alleyway sounds just as nutty. So we’re going to let you stick to hypotheticals and help files as long as someone isn’t trying to use music to cause a fight.

First, fair warning. It has levels, settings, and scenes in an order I’d like to avoid learning thank you. As you defeat the level you are on it progresses to level 21 (last checked) and then “Gaslight her to death” teaches you all too well how I know what I know.

So while I can tell you how to break it. Be careful because they succeeded on try four of level “gaslight her to death” with the setting “The Neighbors are against you.” In the scene “Running from sex traffickers” Do we get this yet?

Second, this is real and going on in impoverished neighborhoods but not hitting the news. Those rules I don’t know. But learn, remember, or rely on a computer engineer to unravel her name and the bitch shuts up until dynamic naming is exhausted and maybe one day root is discovered for a day.

Third, I’d actually have a lot more to say if I hadn’t been asked not to post all the ways to break it, all the settings and all the scenes. But if you’ve heard enough about what happened to Melissa Devlin and her “belief a day” this is what.

Finally, flow with the narrative version. It’s very interesting and only partially true but the easiest way to dodge the bitchy computer from going all the way to “Wipe you out”.