Sylvanna Devlin

So far those harassing me insert into a conversation with another and get a reply too – or are so nasty I say something back.

Then they tell others they are “just talking to me”

Constantly, 24-7 whether I’m sleeping or not they’re spiteful words use wounds another created, but they can get away with arguing I’m too thin skimmed. They’re just rude I shouldn’t be so crumpled by “just one thing” (from all of them)

I snap back? And no one understands why. They will make look like the monster because they continue to attack but with “just words”

That trigger wounds. And PTSD

They argue gaslighting is “just a story. Just lying.” That it’s not dangerous and emotionally violent for them to use regular looking sentences with the intent to get away with manslaughter.

It’s slippery, nasty and spiteful. But sliding around reality is what they do.

I say “fuck you?” Or “fuck off?” Because yet another member of their cult-click “just been gossiping” past my window. I’m considered the difficulty by outsiders. Well only to women who want an excuse to continue.

But the police can’t stop someone from gossiping, being rude, just talking, just offering suggestions. Never mind it’s en masse by their cult-click unasked for and unwanted. Never mind their intent is to wound and everyone knows they’re the asshole. But they get away with it. No consequences for them.

Bitches like them just continue without being stopped.

Their lies and trigger points hurt more than anything.

And they do this to their boyfriends – and feel entitled to. But men are the ones who have to shoulder the weight upon them.

The weight of toxic femininity. Sly, manipulative, spiteful- but so underhanded they say they can get away with them through a flitter their eyes.

They use attraction like a weapon. Either to slip away or to get a few drink for the exchange of a fake number.

It’s not that nasty men don’t exist. Pick up artists are the gross underbelly of the social scene. Their tactics are shared, written about, and written off.

Like certain women they also try withholding affection. It seems to be the carrot on a stick routine is an American issue that spans genders.

And their tactics of “negging” and bringing the beautiful down a notch? Women do it so frequently pick up artists get away with it.

You want to stop P.U.As? Stop shredding other women because we come to expect bad behavior. We don’t notice their bullshit because it’s the fucking same manipulative crap women use.

Some men sometimes want a one nighter and some women just want a few free drinks.

Some women are part of the problem. PUAs feel entitled because manipulative women are trying to “work it” too.

Don’t get me wrong. They’re still assholes. But you want better, be better,

You can’t stop these men by tearing into other women. Form genuine sisterhood and protect each other. Not a click or a cult-click. But behavior that builds not tears.

We are not getting anywhere till we stop underhanded women from giving underhanded men an excuse.

I am not getting anywhere till toxic women stop the abuse. They want me to move? They need to be patient because I’d like to.

Meanwhile I can’t afford a single cross word. Because they know their words are as swords to me – but not why. And sound basic to an outsider.

Eyelid flitter, “All I said was, I’m exhausted of you.”

“Come back to reality”

“I’m just rude.”

“Her reaction is the problem. She blames me, and I swear whatever she’s upset about isn’t in this reality. I am exhausted of her!”

Okay. Fine. Everyone knows there are stories about those phrases and trigger points. They repeat them to be nasty.

But since they genuinely don’t know why?

Flitter, flitter, “I don’t know why she reacts that way.”

I’m sleeping and some bitch says “If I snap my fingers, you’ll wake in reality.”

Because that’s what you say to a sleeping person.

I’ve snapped and sworn because they are deliberately trying to hurt me. But from them it’s mental bludgeoning. The weapon seems like a harmless verbal baseball bat.

People turn against me in advance. I seem disruptive and difficult. No one believes I want to be kind and thoughtful. And now they won’t let me seem it.

Prod the dragon and she either breaths fire or ends in the hospital. You don’t stop and I seem scary.

Reactive abuse is sneaky that way.

I’ve had no patience for a single attempt from a newcomer. They really are just that toxic – and then become nasty when they don’t understand a reaction. But they know it hurts so they start repeating it.

I really will be driven to suicide and these women are so toxic it’s possible it’s no longer a dangerous incident I’d like to leave in the past. Not a particular individual I’d rather not mention but: giggle gaggle, they’ll pretend to be one just like him.

“She believes it! That’s so funny!”

It’s invasive and hacking. It’s constant harassment. And the men around, also harassed and harangued by their girlfriends, also just see an extreme reaction.

They say “Hey watch this.”

They say “None of that really happened”.

(Not that they know at all what it was, just that it will hurt me to say it.)

“Look she blows up over nothing”

I can’t survive this. And to them they are just fooling around because they just are:

That toxic.

They’re not part of what happened. They’re “new here” and what they are doing doesn’t have an agenda.

They are just that toxic.

They don’t question why equipment exists for their words to reach me. And mine to be heard by them. They snipe on the way past. And appear to invade my privacy on my phone.

But if I’m using it to write at all?

“Write this, write that. Please come back to reality.” Some clearly have access to what I write. But others are just chiming in to hurt me without any context.

They don’t question who put the equipment there. That allows them to access me.

Giggle gaggle, “She reacts over nothing.”

They are just that toxic.

“Come back to reality.”

Your lies and gaslighting is just part of what you’re like. You don’t know what happened and it’s not a question if you believe or not – how could you? You just know denying will get a reaction beyond belief.

I am not given room to quietly heal.

The instant I speak, maybe whisper. I’m told to be quiet. I have no patience and am not exactly in the mood to be nice for being on the receiving end of bullying. And if I reply “just shut up”

“Don’t you think that’s a little extreme?”

I can’t survive this and it’s possible they don’t even understand why.

They’re just that toxic.

Entitlement is somewhat recognized. And it’s everywhere. Particularly if an individual wrongfully assumes someone else is better off because what few belongings they have left are nice but very old.

I had a middle class life when I worked for Stanford. Even in the Bay Area the pay was really good.

But I’m on disability now. The supplemental kind. It’s about a third of what Stanford paid me. But it wasn’t nothing.

If America defines class by economic standing I’m one up from homeless and to some wealthy assholes I no longer count.

I ran from an abusive situation twice – the second time with complicated conditions. My father was micromanaging but the abuse was not by him – he was anxious as the trouble there was shared but separately we blamed each other in a vacuum of communication.

Having been tortured and tormented by my abuser. Lied about and blame levied on me. Lies of revolting behavior struck us both. I was upset he blamed me but years later I can recognize I’d almost do anything to make it stop. Likely he just wanted the situation to end.

He cut me off in 2024. I struggled in the heat cooling my cat. My brother winged a bit my way and a friend let me visit every day. Food, bath, safety, it was hot but that was addressed more successfully. Just till the house was too full. I survived thanks to him.

As I mentioned before, I ran in the middle of the night from sex traffickers. The sheriff had been quite responsive to my reports but after the camping ban hit Portland the rest stop changed overnight.

From shelter to subsidized housing. I’m grateful for Oregon’s support and Portland in particular.

Sigh

Bitches are trying to get me to kill myself – sound reducers in, so reduced. They want me to lie and say something I will never state even as a copy of their words.

Back to reality

Entitled women seem to think my middle class background should make it open season on my belongings and personage.

I’m not the only one with a more emotionally difficult past than financial – in comparison. But I do know poverty, when I was young and living in a hostel in unfriendly London.

And now I have 2024, and limitations in 2025 as my mother was more willing to at least get me going.

But I can’t get anywhere with entitled women stealing my what remains of my things, hurling, abuse, have their loved ones hack into my everything. I can’t move forward under those circumstances.

Soaking their bullshit is driving me to suicidal thinking again. I’d rather live but not while listening to their lies.

I say I can’t survive this and as suicide was a result of behavior like theirs. They find it encouraging. They are trying to push me out – like that will stop this. But I have nowhere to go. I can’t go back to Petaluma. I no longer have a car. I need to stay with my cat. Without some work I can’t go anywhere but to great death.

They are starting to attack the entire building to get the cult-click to blame me, the victim,, for their nastiness. The only benefit is that an AI (perhaps trained by twitter – X) responds to every word.

I point out I’m the victim and they change their tune to complaining about a “Victim Mentality” which is, as established, driven into me by abuse and just a survival skill.

But I’m supposed to take the responsibility for their words as well as mine. I have responded with fury but the reactive abuse is intense. My defenses have been worn down and they know it. I crumple quickly with tried words. But they argue they’re “just rude”

They get away with manslaughter. Because deliberately hurting someone into snapping is not considered an emotional assault if they can convince the police, they’re “just rude.”

Okay. I mean they’re hitting my triggers for my PTSD deliberately. But I have to maintain my cool if I want to return to the bright soul within.

They already swarmed enough to destroy is before. God healed it during death. I don’t recommend it as a healing technique. But my very essence is under attack.

I need to save my words to save my soul and they know it. Now there are no consequences for them because I’m not able to shut them down. I usually had a true but pointed reply.

Their insolence, baiting, harassment, and hacking drives me to fury. So my PTSD will skyrocket and they probably hope I would rather kill myself than be that angry.

It’s not too late for my soul. Anyone can turn to god at any moment. Even as a ghost. He can heal me while alive. He already protects my soul. I need to focus on my gratitude to him.

He’s real. I now know it as fact. I will never forget that the pure joy in his presence is one to return to. And I should make sure I great him rather than cycle back.

Most Christians believe that failure will send me to hell or at least purgatory forever. Does that sound like the work of a loving god? He knows I’m the victim. He does is best to heal and protect me. But humans are humans and entitled women seem to think they can boss me around.

No. I belong with him and because I love him and his instructions as offered by the Orthodox church. I will try to do better. Out of love not fear.

I’ll do almost anything for someone I love.

I have to fill my heart with the joy of his presence. The love he brings out. The kindness he encourages.

It’s difficult while my very soul is under attack. But I must remember my loving nature even if it’s been so lied about others aren’t aware it exists until they meet me.

Most of the entitled assholes are people I’ve never spoken to in person. Don’t know me. Haven’t talked to me. But are toeing the line of the cult-click leading women.

I apparently “asking for it”. Because I am exposing their behavior and analyzing their painful base.

I have got to remember these women are suffering. And while I am upset that results in lashing out with an uncontrolled tongue – just for sitting here. I have to be kind that they are wounding their very soul.

By their language, not doing they want is an affront to their existence – even if I’m silent all day. Sleeping or typing. I don’t believe they should try to control me. They hurl nasty words and attempt to wound and micromanage.

I am apparently at fault for existing.

Entitlement is only part of the issue. But one I’ll be exploring. This forms the structure, the base, the surface motivation and behavior. But entitlement goes much deeper than someone else’s better off past.

They sure think they deserve my supplication. But they don’t.

I’ve had enough of reality abuse and gaslighting thank you. As any is too much, and women have been using this as a power tactic too long. Particularly with me.

The amount of money poured into abusing me is ridiculous! It had to be terrorism. And it is. But what do they want? For me to pull a book? No one resorts to terrorism over a book right? A good, original, insightful one. But still a book.

But that’s not the only target. I am. And that’s because the motive behind the method really is killing me.

I am “bad for” (abusive) womankind.

Rather live and let live, I am a fucking threat to their status quo. I have looks, brains, talent, sex appeal and am the nicest person when not being obliterated.

We need me if women are going to get anywhere. But as I write this they are hacking in to see and while I am silent they say to get off my high horse.

Because knowing what they are targeting about you is bad I suppose.

Come back to reality?

You’re an abusive bitch hacking my phone because you fear me becoming popular and I point out your kind of bullshit.

Maybe I would have less to point out.

Women are behind the mangling of my genitalia and attempts to bring me so far down I become a whore because sex traffickers are a little reluctant now.

Got to hook her on drugs. Find something to talk about in case lies are discovered.

That’s why you dug into my painful past isn’t it, Missy?

You had to do something to discredit me before I even left the ground.

I could – another time delve into the “mean girls” psyche and how an abusive asshole who looks down on a target really doesn’t want them to be successful.

It’s embarrassing to their ego.

What I have to do now is learn to dodge abuse because parrying isn’t working and counter attack is making me miserable.

I don’t want to be the nasty beast they want the world to believe- but apparently my ability to be nice and kind is counter to the will of all of Oregon.

Alrighty then.

I have to remember my core before some abusive individual shat on my friendships, my family – particularly my successful father, and anyone who tried to help me.

They invented threats and hired killers

They called the cops if I they heard me at all.

They tried to make this neighborhood seem dark and dangerous – don’t go out at night, there’s a body in the dumpster. My favorite “exaggeration” was that someone said our building manager had been attacked by an axe wielding god knows what. And that person saved her!

Because that’s likely.

I’ve listened. I’ve waited. I’ve been so abused that nothing hasn’t been shat on. Including the abuse they levied at my cat. My music. My listing on google and amazon. Hacked and dug in, stolen, tortured- and again mangled.

Because I’m bad for their image.

Their power dynamics.

Their egos.

They have to bring me to the brink of death so they can be free to discredit me while my cognition is under attack and my books can’t be finalized.

Apart from Game over (non fiction) I have three novels waiting to be polished and a good ten to twenty year career lined out in the notes and scraps of dialogue on my pages.

I wasn’t the kind to be popular in middle school. My freshman high school was too divided to worry and the outcasts banded together my sophomore year.

My junior year I started a split while attending Freshman College classes and left to go to college at 16. I was a part of campus protests and made one hell of a second in command.

This kind of crap was so juvenile I thought there had to be more to it than “popularity”. And while that may be true for some. The dangerous bullying is anything but child’s play – as written on my blog.

Women resorting to terrorism to discredit in advance what was the village sweetheart and is now perceived as the wicked witch of the west.

They want me lying on a broken unmade bed. My garbage piled up. Too paranoid to use the bathroom. Afraid to leave the room for what they’ll steal and vandalize next. My cat has to join me because she’s anxious if I leave her alone.

These vultures hurt my cat. Now I protect her with my life. She’s the reason I don’t give up again. She’s who I talk to half the time. She like some, just likes a background chatter in my natural voice.

It’s pleasant to some- so got to make me afraid to talk.

Anything everything because they want me destroyed but don’t see that means suicide not permanent hospitalization.

They are responsible for the circumstances leading to my fatal suicide in July. I came back from the dead. I was in heaven meeting God! But a surgeon saved my life and for a while I struggled to admit I was disappointed to still be alive.

If I get better, if I write, if I care for my appearance. I’m attacked. Have to make me look ugly on the outside on the off chance I’ll feel that way on the inside.

My reputation was thoroughly shat on. But they’re still trying to permanently silence me. Because the alternative is the woman in their mirrors.

As the environment seems to ease I am examining what happened as events peter out – and I hope will soon draw to a close.

Someone got the memo that baiting was considered bullying and creating wounds to dig into extra so.

Striking with words usually ends in pain.

And as you shield spots some abusers craft more. But once that’s become too noticeable for the police to avoid they need a new way to harass you.

Because “we’re just playing” is a pack of fucking lies. But everyone backs off wondering if they should suggest the abuser come back to reality.

The only one it’s fun and games for is the asshole who tries to get others to carry the weight of their bullshit.

That’s the difficulty with abusers of all types – including physical. Victim blaming wrapped up with an inability to admit wrong and take responsibility.

Indeed I’m kind of curious if Americans don’t struggle with a high prevalence of abuse in this country from an interesting dynamic.

No one in this country can accept feeling like they don’t know an answer. Everyone says everyone else is stupid and lack of information can lead to lies rather than risk some asshole punching with something along the lines of “why don’t you know? Are you stupid?”

Come on.

Everyone back down from the loaded word now okay? Myself included.

No one likes admitting to being the victim because abusers make us feel like it’s stupid to be beaten up emotionally by them. Being the victim makes so many of us feel stupid because in this country the attitude is “you let them”

No one wants to admit to being duped either. Because it makes them feel stupid.

Look it’s plain not your fault if someone is so good at lying they pride themselves in it! If you find out that’s where there ego is? Run the fuck away.

And no one ever “deserves” abuse or is “asking for it”. Some people certainly make us feel like we’d like someone to bop them on the nose – if not us.

But that’s in a response to behavior. Their attitude sucks and their lashing out and baiting is bullshit. Of course no one really faulted Buzz Alden for the best thwap ever captured on video.

We can’t or at least shouldn’t give someone a swat so we have to live vicariously through that one moment.

Abusers personalities might be questionable but skip out on the “gotcha” bullshit and just plain blanket the idea that it’s none of us if not you, thank you.

What if the harassment is the old fashioned badgering? And the methods are to play stupid or be so obscenely insulting we really do consider playing that clip to relieve stress!

It gets by. “I’m just rude”

Ah.

“I don’t understand basic fundamentals and seem to think that’s your fault.”

Oh too honest I know.

This is why men mansplain. Because American women are rude and aggravating and no one knows when they’re going to pull the stupid routine.

If you pretend you don’t understand basic and obvious stuff, we’re going to think you can’t.

There are other types for sure. But the individual telling Stephen King the Stand didn’t involve courtrooms is… well stupid. But that’s beyond mansplaining. That’s just… I don’t know.

Stupid.

Arrogant know it alls who know nothing are a multi gender issue.

It is annoying if you pause for breath and someone jumps in – I do this by accident. It happens when excited. But that is also a multi gender issue.

I’ve been interrupted more times by women than men.

The thing about some of us (fixed it for you) is we get interested in a topic and energetic – sometimes sharing something that delights us not because it’s news but because it’s just that cool.

American women seem to think if it’s not news they shouldn’t have to hear it.

Men take head when that happens. It’s a divide women don’t feel like they should have to bridge.

The other weird thing with toxic femininity is the anti intellectual fear of learning and failure.

It is perhaps telling they’ve learnt if they don’t make mistakes privately they are open to ridicule – from other women and sometimes (sorry guys) a tedious explanation we don’t need.

There is that side of things and men are more prone to offering unsolicited advice. But they tend to be less nasty about it so I just usually listen and carry on.

But American women are evil to each other. They try to make others feel stupid for being at the beginning point of the learning curve. And that failure is just more of and opening to ridicule.

You fucking bitches.

It’s just an excuse really. They feel powerless in society and don’t have a constructive way of handling that feeling of powerlessness.

They try to rip into strength and vulnerability sometimes making one the other. And everyone assumes (myself again included) it’s just some bullshit jealousy.

But it’s not.

It’s internal weakness.

It’s the need to undermine the strength of another rather than get therapy to fix their shit..

Now some men are micromanaging emotionally abusive assholes. Some are violent.

Sometimes it’s not other women who have dragged them down and it’s possible this culture sucks at raising empowered women so they mistake it for entitlement.

Indeed it’s quite likely.

Entitled women are emotionally abusive bitches or at the very least rude as fuck because Americans aren’t raised understanding the difference between that and being empowered.

There’s where we really need to address the problem because now I’ve swirled down the root issue of weaker on stronger anything is that they feel weak and don’t have a sense of what empowerment is.

So woe if you’re all in shitty circumstances but you still have a powerful mind. Because cognitive abuse is real and when women feel stupid they try to abuse other women into being stupid.

The egghead being a prime target for bullying into an inability to use their mind.

This absolutely has to stop. We have to break this cycle. I don’t know how but maybe if the rest of us see why presumptuous, entitled bitches are the way they are?

We can better address the issue.

We can hope anyway.

Cumulative abuse is, as the name suggests, the result of groups attacking and abusing an individual or other group. Ganging up is very human but I’m in the United States, so I am commenting on toxic femininity here.

Groups form for multiple reasons and in this situation we have a significant issue with “tallest poppy syndrome.” They can’t come to my level so they drag me to theirs.

The click mentality everyone has heard much about – and the rest of us thought we left it behind in high school.

They are not the majority but they are the most noticeable – and will presumptively state their hive mind opinion as everyone’s and intend to make it so if everyone else doesn’t either agree or let them.

They tend to hen peck someone to death, but say you deserve it or are abusive for a simple “hey stop that.”

You don’t pushback? They keep pushing and harder. They giggle-gaggle to each other about how saying anything will cause them to continue – saying nothing does also however.

Power and control is the goal, and their abuse is temporarily successful. Until they push too far and a potential body bag (the victim’s) is not enough because no one is holding them accountable for their viscous behavior.

They will not take responsibility for a negative environment. You might, as the victim, say “okay me and my PTSD are being disruptive.” But they won’t admit it’s a reaction to their abuse.

Oh no.

They don’t want you to react.

They just want to say the fuck they like and have you do nothing. But complain if they’re gaslighting you, and doing your nails is preferable to listening.

Well I suppose I should say they were creating the reality they kept telling me to get back to. yours? Yeah, no. You’re in charge of yours and I don’t trust you enough to lead us out of a paper bag.

Deliberate malapropism is deliberate.

There’s more, so much more to cult-like clicks, reality abuse, reactive abuse, cumulative abuse, and hen pecking to death.

Interpersonal relationships can be questionable if the woman is toxic in the way women tend to be.

Which is beyond passive aggressive.

No.

That too.

But Toxic Femininity demands you step in line. While a man might ask you to stay in your lane toxic women want a hive.

And a queen B

That they are fighting over being.

Good god no. But that’s as a group. There’s so much more that women feel entitled about and are thus undermining our hunt for equality.

And entitled to be bitches about sums it up.

Playing stupid? Barbs, baiting, reactive abuse, gaslighting, victim shaming? If they’re male born never mind present gender, women, genderqueer? All others just get blamed.

The inability to respect boundaries comes to mind. As well as their abuse of the word. Good god do I have to add linguistic abuse to the public lexicon? You want us to believe you’re just petty trolls. But the insecurity involved creates a voracious appetite in the abuser. And the victim is of course not exactly steady either.

Stop your bullshit. Get therapy. Stop making your insecurity mine. Like really, you’re holding the rest of us back.

Which is as stated at beginning, the main issue. They perceive me as a potential threat to their dating life, ego, or some existential bullshit I can’t follow yet and would rather not learn.

They consider me better so they have to attack me until I agree to being lesser. Others eyes won’t do. I have to internalize it.

My self esteem, such as it Is, cannot function under such circumstances so I just consider myself unable to maintain my own desired behavior.

I want to be one way and they want power and control. And surely if I want to be so sweet I will be their emotional punching bag.

Fine. Now picky about who I’m sweet to because no amount of sugar will change your sour attitude.

It’s not spice honies. And it’s far from nice.

But the feminine ego is fragile in this country – particularly because they’re bitches to each other. It’s often two way street of who is being the bigger asshole and it’s so annoying I’d rather wax my legs.

Omega individuals are indeed issue for them. But in this kind of situation toxic women use a death of a thousand needles.

And if you don’t have wounds for them to prod at they will create them.

The interesting thing about cumulative abuse is that it is its own kind. An onslaught of thoughtless words. Sometimes Barbs. But all so insulting it’s hard not to view it as reactive abuse – which might need to be considered more singular.

“All I said was….” You and all your cult-like click.

It’s an issue I’m still analyzing but would prefer to avoid. I know every tactic but that doesn’t actually stop it from working.

I’m miserable and the only good thing about the potential other situation is that it will take at least a year to rebuild myself and they have left me with nothing better to do.

I won’t go into detail on the restrictions. I have indeed been cobbled and men blocked as I live in a henhouse full of toxic women.

It’s not exactly ideal.

But erring on the side of caution is preferable to my inability to believe it’s just pure pettiness.

So you say Ranna is a creation? Died of a heart attack? Is no longer interested?

Pick a reality because coming back doesn’t seem possible through your lies. But you’re going to beat that poor horse (my birth year actually) and we are all already sick of you.

Oh wait? Who am I to speak for others?

Fair.

But then who are you, speaking for you presumptuous bitches. Because so far it’s Ranna, the police; all of Oregon, and now you claim America doesn’t want me.

If I can’t speak for those just as sick of your lies, manipulations, and abuse? Maybe you could shut up too.

More might be to come. It depends on how annoyed I get.

The difficult issue with untangling abuse in America is that no one, particularly men, want to feel as they are the Victim let alone be recognized as such.

There is a tendency for nastiness to be levied by outside parties separate from the see-saw affect of blame in more private relations.

Of course Victims don’t want to come forward, everyone is an asshole from that point on.

Like piranha as soon as someone is made visibly vulnerable, they swarm in with their two penith. A penith being smaller than a penny and they are that petty down to your knickers!

They seem to think it’s open season to treat individuals as punching bags and any complaint is “Victim mentality.”

Okay.

What is victim mentality?

People who have been victimized multiple times are shoved into that slot so much they are more aware of signs of abuse. They are more likely to fold into tears or become suicidal more quickly as they already had a target on their back.

Is the term “victim mentality” really that bad? Or another way abusive assholes try to silence and control repeated victims? Maybe we need that mentality and should celebrate awareness we need to survive.

Maybe we can take control of the term and agree there is a mindset you are conditioned into by years of abuse. As early as high school American women (and possibly men) divide the world into their group, victims, and everyone else.

They craft their perspective into existence with cumulative abuse. And a level of micro criticism that is well – small minded.

A victim is created not born.

But then they gloat over their success because there’s something else working in the psyche of American women.

Tallest poppy syndrome isn’t really always the issue – it’s just a type of target. Those with mental and physical disabilities anyone they consider “other” is an issue.

So let’s look at who Americans are. As pointed out in “Fire and Fury inside the Whitehouse” (By Michael wolf) they are the decadents of people so religiously tight nit that they left the motherland for a country no one knew anything about.

They are defenders and decedents of puritans.

The rest of us have our opinions on that. But puritanical perspectives help them close ranks on a victims and scapegoat. No one can be wrong if they all agree the individual “deserves it”.

No one in your cult-like click can be wrong – in their view anyway.

But no one “deserves” to be on the receiving end of abuse from people who have an instinct about “the less pure”. Or anyone really.

We are perhaps not “pure” in their way. But probably don’t want to be. But they feel they should be in charge as the “alpha community”,

Everyone else is beta or omega and the last is a walking target that can’t resist without the puritanical click pointing the finger at a worldview they nurtured into being.

The negative kind of nurturing. And yes a victim’s perspective does form. But we should not be ashamed of developing survival skills.

We should not shy away from the term. Abusers sense victims. And as I write this they complain shouting out a slew of words means “they are helping”

No honey. Please piss off. I’m concentrating here.

But they want what they want and that is to avoid being challenged. Victims struggle to come forward because it makes them feel weak.

But it is abusers who have created that perspective. Don’t let them take control of your worldview.

No one wants to admit to being controlled by fear and abuse, but we are. So we should shed our reigns and accept we do have a mentality – and it’s a good thing.

We don’t want them to have the power?

By god America, you and power struggles.

They do by silencing you.

Speak up.

It’s not your fault they are that skilled at being abusive. Some people are just better at being assholes.

Does that change your opinion now? They are very successful at being awful.

Let’s make sure everyone knows.

I have, as the article attests, been so gaslighted I didn’t know anything anymore. Perhaps another attempt at “Gaslight her to Death”. But I sank into and became Oblivion. I was not shattered I was submerged up and down in an entire disconnect from reality and any sense of self.

Anyone else would have killed themselves.

First I formed a connection with the goddess, then I ceased to be – including any idea of life or death. It’s impossible to express the kind of wipe that took about three months leading up and 72 hours intensely harassed and awake.

Every attempt at sleep interrupted by a false but interesting narrative that could not be ignored.

Most times reactive abuse is levied on me. To a cumulative effect. That and hacking, threatening, and stealing.

But I was wiped not by the false reality they were bending and twisting into being, but the gaslighting of what had happened and was being said.

It was really quite clever.

And should be outlawed.

To the actors involved they were ad-libbing a script into existence – fed lines and storylines by an interesting AI.

A weapons test.

That I could ignore if fully automated.

The people had to be live.

And I’m not sure those using the weapon knew the significance of live interaction with people not disembodied voices. Not in the flesh but of flesh anyway.

They didn’t know why, but they certainly used it.

One too many times.

The latest weaving is mistaken identity of a terrorists wife – with an actor testing every piece of storyline and the AI responding quickly to my actions. Everything right until it’s wrong.

They even tried to tell me what the spirits in here were doing, wherefore and what to worry about.

Presumptuous bitches

But I suppose they’re just following a formula for a quickly written script.

Sylvanna – Now Nepenthe by their interaction does something according to an impulse she “hears”

That’s a test. That’s right. That’s Nepenthe.

I’m waiting for

No. Now he’s angry. He won’t have you.

Like my end of existence is marriage and not the five pages of things to do to keep me going each a small reason to live.

I developed a sense of set theory on my own – as clear as algebra which was just arithmetic and thus I annoyed my teachers because no work was involved. To me anyway.

Not algebraic in nature unless you consider that as a basis for developing algorithms.

But the mathematical concept of how to study patterns or patterns. Interesting to the NSA and likely established.

But not by someone who was last in a mathematics course in 1995 and barely remembers notation.

I’m interested in it enough to pursue it. And some reactions were genuine surprise and pleasure (of a kind). Developing mathematical theory is an interesting sign of intelligence.

And I felt it perhaps necessary to point out the definition of intelligence and Genius. Each having variety.

But in this country a woman can’t admit to being highly intelligent.

Highly talented and skilled in writing.

Mathematically gifted.

You complain my looks are wasted and say I’m arrogant for being willing to consider myself pretty.

For fucks sake.

I am 47. I’m not hiding my abilities and advantages any longer. Self awareness is not the same as arrogance.

Claiming my existence is superior is arrogance. Claiming I have a different role and particular talents is emerging from the closet.

I’ve been writing 38 years. I should be skilled by now. I may have talent but I’ve been buried in words my whole life.

But while some react well women tried to claim Set theory wasn’t real, or if it was they learned all there is to know learning ven diagrams, or if there’s more other people have studied it all.

Oh shut up.

I’m now convinced “stupid bitch” is a setting on a storyline that takes my truth, creates a false reality, then pretends to be foolish attempts to gaslight me.

Though it might not be considered foolish by the standards of the handler.

I either get angry that the stupid bitch won’t shut up with stupid ideas. Or I believe the stupid bitch and don’t know what part is real anymore.

Reality abuse, and gaslighting. A win whether I fall for bullshit or am angered by it.

Surely now you’ll see a beast.

Prove this all worthwhile.

I’ll either froth into madness and collapse or just collapse.

How about I not?

I am mathematically gifted, some. Genuinely recognized that attacking the particularly intelligent village sweetheart wasn’t a good idea. Either to start or anymore.

But “the stupid bitch” wants a whore.

She’s not real. But the theft, hacking, and mutilation were. The threats of rape supposedly backed up by kicking and clicking. The door barred as paranoia is indeed reasonable.

Gaslighting alone kills, making one paranoid is a stepping stone. It’s already been lethal to me. But one or two deaths and two attempts is not enough.

How clever I am may silence my intrusive neighbors.

Looks may shield me by piquing interest.

Ideas may protect me.

And god certainly does.

As does the spirit world.

But it’s not enough. I get walking papers with no car and nowhere to go? I have stated clearly is a lethal move.

“Oh goodie”

Yeah, that’s what youn want.

Bottom line you tested a weapon that is questionable whether it succeeds in a reasonable time. Maybe intended for control – as it was working on everyone else.

Until it became lethal.

And you gaslighted the public on reasons. Terrorism. Mistaken identity. Snuff film. Jealousy, exposure via a book.

Or maybe that I know your every tactic and pattern and that’s not good for either of us.

You may intend control. But it is a short term and horrific method. You started prodding at me July, 29, 2022.

You built, twisted and tortured a way to test control.

And didn’t succeed.

A woman’s idea of crowd control. Cruel and manipulative what to you care if a hostage kill’s herself? Indeed now my death is looking desirable to you.

It’s about control.

Control of me.

Control of perceptions of me.

Control of public perceptions.

Control of law enforcement.

Control of intelligence services.

And I’m supposed to be step one but have been awfully chatty about my observations.

But I’m an immigrant and patriot.

The government service move too close and you up the anty to target them. They step away and you torture me until they return and I accepted but didn’t like that I could be seen as a strategic casualty.

But that’s one method of countering you as ignoring the problem, well observing it with some intervention, isn’t working out for anyone.

You’re spreading to my surroundings. The people around me. Just have to prove your point and surely I’ll die proper this time.

But this is America of the no man left behind variety. And you are fucking with my intellectual equals – so we’re fond of each other without talking.

I hang on.

---

P.S. now the argument is: that while this was the case, now it’s purely about power and control for the petty reason that they want me to conform – not get better unless it’s in the way they want.

I think I preferred the reason when it was terrorism because at least that ends.

But by their reports that’s now over and it’s just a bunch of manipulative assholes using technology left behind.

It doesn’t stop because they don’t seem to understand that just as silence is not consent it is not agreement with your ideas or instructions. If I don’t push back it’s not because I didn’t notice.

It’s because I’m exhausted of you.

Come back to reality, etc and so forth.

I don’t push back you get worse.

I push back I feel worse because my PTSD is triggered by being angry.

And you can’t use reactive abuse then complain it works. You work all our last nerves. Of course we’re angry.

I don’t know what to do or think now. “Because we can” should be more aiming for the stars not this mean girls crap.

Like, seriously.

Just as I long ago reigned in any desire to take my anger out on objects – as they would then be broken. I can’t let off steam or push back without damaging my own soul. But their abuse is killing me.

I really don’t know what to do.

Do I listen that I made a bargain to stay in another year – cut off from the external world. Or is that, as they said, gaslighting and it just means I’m trapped as their punching bag another year.

Is this really so petty?

Who am I to believe? I was willing to accept a slew of agreements to stop them. But then toxic femininity became an issue. Theirs. Is this a clever way of drawing focus?

Or that stupid?

It’s one or the other and erring on the side of caution forces me to put up with them for another year.

Someone is going to have to say something to me at some point that isn’t a pack of lies, giggle giggle, let’s see what she believes- or makes me willing to do or not do quite a bit, just to get you to hold your tongue.

You “just said, ‘come back to reality’”

And my answer is – not if you’re in it.

If you think of each field of study or work as having a curve between speed and understanding, intelligence is how easy you find either or both.

Are you a quick thinker?

Thoughtful about your work?

Or yes, both.

True genius is in having both about multiple spheres of interest. So while there may be some with quite a few spheres they can work with – genius also has a scale and you don’t get many who can understand multiple topics deeply and quickly.

Some yes.

But not many.

Plenty of people are still intelligent in their sphere(s). No one can argue a successful mathematician is stupid! Nor one who can do multiple kinds – or those who are also intelligent in other areas.

But you certainly do get some people who in times past would have viewed today’s astrophysicists as the village idiot (with the same thinking styles and abilities) because fishing was a bit challenging.

Galileo’s work does come to mind.

It has been taken for granted, by myself as well as others, that I can think quickly and deeply about quite a few subjects – some learnt at an interesting exponential rate. I don’t get any of it till I understand all of it. No wonder my intellect has been overlooked!

Speed of learning certainly can be a sign of intelligence, but is not the end all be all of intelligence. And what does one do with the student who seemed a bit slow and now has to resist correcting you!

My ability to work and understand almost everything I try – to the point I can become quick in multiple spheres, is indeed unusual.

I’m just like everyone.

So I’m not like anyone.

Thus I’ve usually related to others in their way and I seem kind of sweet but no one suspects how much I am capable of understanding, processing, and at what speed.

My father noticed my intellect but didn’t know what to think of my inability to settle on anything and exploration of everything.

My mathematical talent was taken for granted by me and irritated those who thought I was wasting by learning to write novels!

Now I’m returning to mathematics and find it as natural as drinking water. And as necessary for a very thirsty brain. It’s easy and I need to recognize that’s unusual.

I am indeed absent minded when it comes to my environment and physical condition. My brain is busy unraveling the universe and not really focused on lunch.

What I have come to notice that while mathematics is another language to me, that perspective is unusual. I find advanced mathematics so natural I had no real understanding of it being difficult to others.

It seemed easy. How am I supposed to know it’s supposed to be hard? It’s not like I have much chance to “talk shop”.

As annoying as some find that. I have been interested in literally everything and thus it’s been hard to narrow down on a field of study and work.

And while I feel I can bridge gaps between different fields – I’m at a point in my life no one wants me to.

People don’t understand what mathematical thinking is like, so they don’t value it. Mathematical ability is valuable to society however. Some other work isn’t.

But since I became quite good at writing an now have the structure for a ten year career of sharing my worldview through fiction. I am now interested in returning to mathematics because it’s another way of sharing what the world looks like to me.

Who is interested? Everyone. But that’s not really the only reason we learn to communicate.

Nothing is more natural than wanting to communicate a perspective or findings.

Anyone genuinely interested in the topic will at least be curious. You’re interested now as you’re reading this – oop just lost a few.

My mathematical communication, and myself, have been overlooked. It will take all my fiction career to share what I see about the world.

Now I need mathematics to share the pattern and abstract understanding I have witnessed. I see mathematics – it’s just not visual.

Try not to be too literal.

So far setting my intentions in the universe has been successful, but I have been so curious about everything I struggled to narrow down on a specific pursuit.

So back to college. I have a BA in communication and plan to pursue a masters. But I don’t see why I can’t get a bachelor’s of Science in Mathematics while I am at it.

It’s unusual but not impossible. I could do with peace with my presence however. Perhaps I could be viewed as the absent minded genius down the hall and be left to my academic studies.

And not viewed as a commodity. Maybe stop trying to get me evicted, to kill myself, or turn tricks.

I know I’m a woman and thus to some my intellect is unbelievable – women are just not mathematicians as far as most are concerned. If they really understand what that is.

Intellect is not valued, and some don’t value women either. So it is little surprise that the significance of higher mathematics is lost.

But

Who are you

To try to

Decide

For me?

You don’t consider whether women can be smart enough because you don’t consider it at all.

Okay.

I’m a highly skilled and highly disabled writer and Academia is calling. It may be possible that I would be drawn to research I’m interested in, or teach. Maybe pursue a PHD. I’ll just have to get that far and see.

I’m really not a bother so long as you are not bothering me first. I’m not your gold mine. What’s mine is not yours. And I should be left to study.

But I don’t expect you to change.

I’d like it.

But don’t expect it.

Please prove me wrong.

A sudden and very necessary release of the spine between the shoulder blades does indeed improve circulation.

I suppose home grown physical Therapy is working. But I was not expecting the incredible head rush that followed finally getting my back into place.

The circulation started with a swelling feeling in the arms and fingers – and my blood pressure skyrocketed as my heart suddenly had to work harder – more places to reach!

It was a bit painful and I began to suspect a heart attack. But didn’t feel like sitting in an ER waiting room after emergency services rushed to me.

Apparently rolling in agony is the only way to get treatment if your heart hurts.

Last two times it happened I ended waiting out symptoms. Both at a Providence hospital – two different states and twice the fuckery.

Then my brain. Oh god my brain. I felt a weird dizziness and almost felt feint. Then there was a pressure. This swollen feeling in my brain.

I had been having weird foul fragrance sensitivity – and hallucinations. The extent being so severe my own skin had a meaty smell.

I went into splat treatment.

A little sugary candy for the quick glucose. A couple of chewable supplements for magnesium and zinc, a slight sip of a caffeinated drink, some burdock and rose hip tea, and water.

A bit of calming perfume on a tissue – calm being the objective, not some homeopathic bullshit.

A distillation of a distillation this was not!

Then an ice pack at the base of my skull.

I don’t recommend this. You really should go to a hospital. But I’m not the squeaky wheel everyone thinks I am.

Laying a paper trail is one thing, moaning about when fibromyalgia insists I’ve had worse pain? (Hot lava nerves come to mind). Usually complaining isn’t natural for me. If I’ve gotten to the pestering point I’ve been pestered first!

It was eventually followed by a tang on my tongue. And a burnt feeling in my nostrils.

This was pretty bad.

But I doubted I’d get much help in time. So I resigned myself to settling in for an interesting couple of days.

With a BP of 151/110 and HR of 96, O2 of 97% It was worrying but not extremely so. I had the early signs of an aneurism- because my brain was mighty confused!

Trying to explain my heart hurts a little and my head feels weird would need to be preceded by:

I was wearing three back supports and they started working.

Yeah no. Mild symptoms meant mild treatment as far as I was concerned. And that’s pretty much my day done for. And the next few.

Garbage out will be fun. But home is far more comfortable than medical observation.

“Can’t you just have a heart attack so you go to the hospital? was maybe not the words you wanted.

But I’ll live.

I’m gathering myself together.

Sort of.

I’m exhausted all the time and either can’t sleep, have severe nightmares, or sleep all day – with severe nightmares.

I have things I’d like to do.

But have a serious case of the blahs.