Sylvanna Devlin

The depths of hell kind of rage? –

Your blood boils and every wound is ripped open and your anger reaches into the depths of hell and pulls dark energy up into a torrent of righteous fury. Not demonic, no. Something older and more primordial.

Fuck you, and not so kindly.

Practice using them.

Some are harder to remember if you are not around someone who uses them. Practice is difficult without context. But if enby is a new word for you at least practice using “they”. It’s better than misgendering someone. Then you can practice any specific ones.

I use a new set in my book – and make fun of those who don’t try. But I still struggle with ones I haven’t used or encountered.

Genderqueer characters, or those without any gender because why should they, and characters of an unknown gender usually have ae, aers, aer, aerself. Those I could easily adapt to and fly through using them in my fiction.

Sometimes books get categorized as “gay fiction” for a single gay character. This happened and was fought by a famous mainstream author who wanted people to find her books in her section of the bookstore. Which was either romance or urban fantasy, I can’t remember.

She both didn’t want to disappoint those looking for fiction focused on queer characters. And wanted to yank the existence of gay characters into the light.

No “well nothing indicates this, and I finished all the books but Dumbledor was gay”, Ms Rowling.

Once the book is out there the tweaking of the tale is a no go!

Sorry, writer spat.

The fight to include genderqueer characters is going to be interesting. And currently there are a lot of options for what to use. I just focused on the ones I found easiest for me. As I’m used to those who prefer “they”; because the new ones are yet to go mainstream. I hope to fix that. Provided my books make it into the spotlight.

Maybe if “mainstream” (if fantasy and science fiction count – which they should) authors use genderqueer pronouns we will better absorb the words into our culture and help be more inclusive.

Looking at you romance, fantasy, and sci-fi authors. You’re books are the most popular sections of any.

While I do have a character with no sex or gender – and I use those pronouns for aer, I object to the words being referred to as flat out being “without gender” because fuck you, genderqueer is a gender.

But that’s personal.

I also use them for when the gender isn’t specific or discernible – one hermaphroditic dragon likes them. I still think we need to consider our language carefully as agender is indeed on the wheel of the gender spectrum (Gender is a circle not a line), but we need to respect that a third one is forming.

People who feel that they don’t belong in either are starting to have their identity recognized. Let’s celebrate and note we are now recognizing and adding to our culture a label for the way people already felt – but younger folks questioning their gender have a “go to” for “neither of the other two* thank you.

*well more than that. But let’s start recognizing three and then move on to other specific genders that aren’t woman and man.

If someone likes pronouns that you are not familiar with, use them. I don’t care if they look like a woman but identify as a man, or they look like a man but you’re pretty sure their sex is not in the same narrow checkbox.

In California asking for pronouns was supposed to be with all people (well at least San Francisco) but it gets weird sometimes, and insulting.

When you introduce yourself please (if you feel safe) offer your preferred pronouns. If you feel safe being key.

It’s okay if you’re not comfortable with that, even the queer community sometimes has peer pressure. Go at your own pace and look into blogs.

As far as books go, my mother found “Intersex” a little boring. But I haven’t personally looked. I know some who liked it. And it’s likely that those born intersex gravitate towards a genderqueer identity – that’s not always the case

Yes people are born with both parts or they aren’t there, or they’re in a different spot. They have support groups btw if you’ve grown up without that option.

Genderqueer is another option whether you were born with male or female body parts (or both). Or you hit puberty and grow breasts because your hormones neglected to tell you that you were XXY

Which can result in never finding out, or puberty changes more than usual.

Sorry side quest.

Anyway.

To shorten a long post (too late)*

*thank you the movie “Clue”. Now if you want to hear a nice voice Tim Curry and Alan Rickman. Oh my god.

Again, anyway. Use the preferred pronouns. Who cares if they’re new, and of course they’re “made up” all language is. Practice if you can. Just don’t be an ass.

There’s a bumper sticker.

Don’t be an ass.

Without going into any personal fantasies. I have been a service dom in the past. I’m switch enough I suppose…

I was taught a lot by my favorite cafe in San Francisco, wicked grounds. A kink cafe that was also considered a queer safe space. (That’s what it’s called for those not in the queer community. Please don’t presume to speak for us)

It was fabulous, of course. They might have been the reason my wedding – with my ombré hair down and wild with curls, and my ex spouse in an outfit that was fittingly gender neutral. Dressy, but green and gold and not a dress. I found the pattern admittedly. But it was made by a friend. I forget if a visit to Britex was involved. (A five story house sized fabric store) So my wedding was fabulous too.

I’m used to having a safe space to discuss ideas, being different, and respectful disagreement. So if I have a wild statement it might be listened to and refined. Or disagreement anything but personal.

Clear and open communication is the basis of safe and satisfying kink. I suspect those opposed to my privacy don’t understand that idea. So aftercare might be an entirely new concept.

Couples, threesomes, whatever, often play with kink without ever coming across the idea and practice. It can damage a relationship to forget aftercare.

So what is it?

When red light has been announced, play time is over and the sub gets extra special attention – specifically from the dom. No sub to sub cuddling unless the dom is cuddling too.

Gentleness and an offer of tea help. But the cuddling is ESSENTIAL.

Have I got your attention yet?

Without aftercare part of our psyche feels abused. We may have been into the idea and interested in you. But cuddling and kindness have to follow. Usually before sex. But not always.

Now some both need to collapse in an exhausted heap. I’m not one for immediate post coital anything – particularly not pillow talk. If we’re too hot to touch each other we’re too hot to talk.

But after you both accidentally fall asleep. Cuddling ensues. Warmth, kindness, and tenderness from the dom are essential. Even if it is such a rare sight the intimacy is intoxicating.

Tough as nails you might be. Soft and sweet after a session with a whip are essential.

Sometimes, if it’s good, the sub cries. I never went into kink that deeply. But I certainly read a book on the subject.

Oh yes, beyond rope guides are sub and dom guides. The kink community in San Francisco looked after each other.

Tears or no, aftercare is basically comforting the sub. Light play requires it too. Kink is pointless if your walls aren’t dropping for both of you. And conversation may indeed follow. But it’s close and again, intimate.

You need trust and to clearly communicate with each other first.

Plan your play.

It’s still exciting, I promise you. But remember it’s supposed to be play. Some sessions get really intense (from what I’m told) but it’s still play.

It’s not sex.

You might have sex after.

But people go to professional doms for a reason. And yes there’s after care but it’s not sex. It’s not cheating and it’s not prostitution. Are we clear?

Speaking from the conversation I had with a real dom. A lot of people were interested in “topping” me. But we didn’t have the connection I wanted. So no.

Consent matters

And for the sake of the gods (a saying that avoids blasphemy and makes pagans feel included) do not forget.

Aftercare matters.

Read a book or two on the subject and the position you plan. They’ll probably go into it better than this post.

Rape is about power and control, with a man pleasing himself in the process. We forget that they’re enjoying themselves. And tend to only consider the psychological side. But ultimately they are entitled assholes who “want what they want”

if you don’t recognize the saying, it might help to read a book once in a while.

A textbook could help.

Yep I’m that mad.

I’m dealing with what has been said to be stupidity. But it’s not. It’s entitled women mentality raping me for power and control, while they enjoy trying to hurt me.

My attention seems to be delicious.

So here we go. How do you cope with being raped every night? I mean extreme right? But women (myself included) have had that experience.

First I ran. And ran again, and again. Even groomed you have an instinct for self preservation. What do you do before running? Other than publicly shaming them?

You entitled bitches aren’t stupid, you’re presumptuous because you’re mental rapists.

Reactive abuse is psychological rape.

I’m still working on a way to cope with rapists. Invasive, presumptuous, entitled, psychological rapists.

Repetition helps.

My private journal would help.

But… issues with privacy are an issue.

So to “enjoy myself”. These women are presumptuous, entitled, rapists who don’t understand consent and when it is okay to do something someone enjoys – which is putting bitches in their place permanently.

So while you will continue you use psychological rape?

I will continue to enjoy pointing it out on my blog.

You don’t have to read it.

I’m not sure if they assume we’re so stupid we can’t tell the difference. Or they can’t.

But that’s rapists for you.

Writing about presumptius. Mental Rapists who feel entitled to suggest I brush my hair for my own selfie, on my own blog, taken in privacy, on my own phone.

So here’s my current mood.

I don’t know what’s going on.

To sum u:p:

I’ve been really depressed but I finally made plans for my life to progress. I’m disabled but I think I can work as a part time ASL translator – I’m just on the waitlist for classes.

I hope to move on to a BS in mathematics and an MA in communication. (I have a BA in communication)

It may take some clerical wriggling. To do both at once. But I could probably persuade them once I’m in the masters program.

I’m mathematically gifted but didn’t pursue it. But now want to work with human computer interaction. With a focus on Data Exhaustion.

There’s a good PHD program in Seattle.

It’s more than placing my identity in my writing.

I wanted to be a writer since I was 9. I’m 47. I’ve gotten pretty good but placed my whole identity on that and it’s not enough.

But I have just received a good review of my self published book and my Dad is very excited and was encouraging.

That meant a lot to me.

I have a sequel planned but am just taking notes right now.

I need to loose some weight and I’d like to bellydance again. But first I need to improve my posture.

My life had me slumped forward and I’m trying to fix it. But I do have the PT tools to help and I remember what to do.

I have a particular spiritual book can take notes on too. The reason I’m on this planet. So I even have a sense of meaning,

I should be okay. But I’m not. My fibromyalgia flared and my lower back is making it hard to move. I feel like I woke in a broken body. I struggle to turn over in bed.

I considered the hospital during a spike yesterday. My tailbone is pulling everything to it and my hips hurt!

They’re just hurdles. Others have managed them before. And that’s a pretty bright future I’ve planned out.

I have the impulse to just give up, but not the ideation. My cat would be annoyed and my sister is going through enough. As is my brother in law. My parents have struggled and it would be like a cannon ball wrecking their well earned calmer lives.

I also had an attempt back last year and don’t want to let the team that saved my life down. It took major surgery and 3 weeks in the hospital.

But I just snapped and want to give up. I snap again and I might. I don’t want to. But I don’t want to be this miserable.

I spend each day “just making it through.” I don’t even know what I’m waiting out anymore.

I can’t do this. I need divine help. The stairs up are before me and I’m collapsed on the first one.

Without going into detail I agreed to stick close to home and focus on my physical health this year. I could practice the ASL alphabet and learn one language. But otherwise it was weight loss and dancing.

I’m currently very isolated.

And my surroundings are toxic.

I need to move and don’t know if I can. Or how. I wasn’t going to, but it became an option despite other circumstances.

I just don’t know how.

It’s imperative I survive. Essential in a way I can’t delve into. But my toxic bullies just say, “Honey, that was gaslighting.”

I should live anyway. Follow the required restrictions. Better to be safe.

It keeps me alive.

I just don’t want to be.

To begin to wonder if the wealthy bitch stealing my work isn’t trying to draw certain, specific attention to her like a mouse trap with fake cheese

Just as a supposition.

Then we have a doppelgänger trying to lure in others and shit on me.

I’m inconveniently still alive.

Being upset about my book is just a convenient excuse to stir the blood.

And I’m in a toxic environment that is very upset with me but most don’t even know why.

Say I had been tormented into being disruptive? To others I’d seem like that so I don’t seem worth the effort.

Even if I started as the problem I couldn’t settle down and return to my inner sweetheart because they won’t let me.

It doesn’t matter what people believe of how I was and what I became to be. I want my soul to heal now and they don’t seem to want to give me the room to lick my wounds and change.

How am I to regain my hope if I can’t change?

Whether I’m changing back into what I was or moving forward they want to pin me in place as an emotional punching bag.

The book is just an excuse.

Yep that sounds like the plot of a book and my experience.

Toxic environments are hard to cope with – as well as specific abuse from an individual or group. Being targeted is no fun and the tactics all have one counter whether you’re trying to hold on to the world or just your soul.

Without describing all the ways toxic environments, cumulative abuse, emotional abuse, and reality abuse can mess with your head. Let’s dive in to my core idea of emotional TaI Chi

With each attack made on our souls

Let R.EA.L

Let it in

Recognize what it is

Evaluate its use to you

Let go.

I have a bit of work to do before I can explain further.

Either it’s gaslighting or the fundamental reason behind everything- some bitch out there fakes every word I write and makes it her own.

Whomever gave her the money to hack steal, and try to corral me she had a military sized budget.

The gaslighting and harassment was supposed to make me too paranoid to do anything else. I had to stay home and write.

The continued noises are to make me so miserable I don’t take care of myself or my environment and just try to write my pain away.

So she can steal every word and pass it off as her own.

I can’t live like this.

Women around here are indeed just that to toxic

But because they think I’m some wealthy bitch trying out “poverty tourism.”

They steal from me because they think I can afford to replace it. And it was just bought for the looks anyway – not the original sentimental source. I don’t have the money and the history is irreplaceable.

Fuck you, other Melissa Devlin. This one is tired of everyone who believes it’s a split personality and not your thievery.

I can’t create under these circumstances.

And the only satisfaction is that means she has nothing to steal.

I need her reigned in and. stopped.

But no one even listens to the problem.

That hack and bitch. Who is too wealthy to want to work at Being a writer. She’d rather steal everything from me.

She creates experiences in the hopes she can pretend she has them.

The shallow, fucking, talentless bitch.

No one stops her.

I want out.

While our problems tend to be financial like everyone else, periods, and toxic individuals. There are some great things about being a woman.

It’s so comforting to hear anyone help me remember the correct meaning of a phrase when I’ve clearly forgotten. But it’s particularly well received from a feminine voice. For me and others. For me I’m relieved to receive kindness from other women. But that kindness is associated with being a woman.

Men are kind to me and other women might be annoyed. And other men might question it too. But kindness from women is better received by all genders. A kind woman is not questioned on the motivations for being so!

Women tend to be associated with comfort. I imagine it will be easier to get part time ASL translation work if eyes on me are more comfortable. You have to be willing to be stared at for the duration of a lecture or meeting – so comfortable with being looked at. And that makes some men uneasy and some very insecure of their looks.

We get all the fun toys. Wax kits, hair rollers, a very diverse range of toys for sexual health (you can even get a clitoris sucker) makeup if it’s your thing – and a huge variety there. Facial soaps, scrubs, masks, and moisturizers. Body moisturizers. Hands. Feet. Oils and creams. For some of us fake nails. It’s fun but not relaxing to preen but it makes for quite the coping mechanism.

I find such things to be a healthy distraction and comforting to do. Moisturizing takes very little effort but is so darn soothing!

I imagine if I relaxed with a glass of Nonalcoholic wine and a book I could add a blanket and maybe do it in bed.

But men wouldn’t be as comfortable and expect side-eye from others. You know the look. They’re not really changing their focus but the disdain can be felt through a glance in the direction of peripheral vision.

Indeed, no offense to men, but the best thing about being a woman is that we can skip out on the pressure men place on each other.

Cat ladies are cute. Male cat lovers are questioned. Like gender affects the love of a fuzz bucket.

There’s no expectation of instant perfect driving. It’s a better experience to learn, even if we’ve never been on that side of the car. It’s good to have skill but it’s easier to learn escape driving when you’re not judged. Parking help is less embarrassing too. I could park on a dime. Because I wasn’t embarrassed to be taught! (And yes it was by men)

Men love sharing their hobbies and cars and car events are a pretty good bonding experience. They find us cute if we’re interested too. There’s a lot about very fast large machinery to love. So interest has to be genuine. But as long as you’re the listener women are expected to be? That’s hours of hearing about hobbies.

Some are frustrated by such expectations. But is it the worst thing in the world to be assumed to be caring? A default perception of the likelihood of kindness?

I did annoy someone when I asked my boyfriend to come back “because I’m a girl and I’m scared”. It meant my ego wasn’t buried in such appearances and I could admit to fear. Women are given room to be more emotionally expressive and tend to be more likely to be considered trustworthy.

Male nurses are still weird to some and other support roles While it seems annoying they’re consider women’s jobs – the frustration is felt by all of us.

It can be difficult to be a woman in a male dominated environment. But that’s changing. High level bosses and doctors tend to have had to tough it out and some women get a little pissy about being an authority and don’t take criticism or rebuke well. But us women get to bitch about it to each other with freedom. And those women who lead without developing a hard edge are adored!

We’re considered softer. And some find that too much of a restriction I say we celebrate it. Cry when we need to and laugh with infectious joy.

Speaking from experience, weight loss is difficult, but even super tubby you can feel super sexy without it and that is plain harder for men. We might complain about another gym visit but it’s not just other men who comment on an oversized beer gut.

Though I swear those who get chonky love the sensual side of life and that translates to a lot of fun in the bedroom!

Some of us get very lucky with distribution anyway.

Women can be competitive and cruel. Some more likely to tear down another woman than a man is. But the ladies can gather and bitch about bitches with impunity.

It’s a double edged sword. Dishonest women can be spread their bullshit through gossip and said cruelty. But a good old communal bitching isn’t the same as spreading secrets and lies!

Besides the rest of us are just as fed up with prima donnas.

It’s been upsetting to have my womanhood questioned and even some nasty comments on my period underwear in the dryer.

“She doesn’t need that”

Yes I fucking do.

But most women don’t involve themselves in the nasty games that give women a bad reputation.

We like being perceived as softer and kind. I’m a ferocious dragon if under attack but would rather not be.

And while I can physically and emotionally defend myself it’s so comforting to take a backseat when a man is feeling protective.

Why should I whinge? I’m a woman. I’m not expected to handle danger head on. I do. But I’d rather not.

The perception of women as gentle and sweet is why I like being a woman. It’s easier to return to my inner nature and be a nurturer. Men find such softness questionable in each other.

Indeed it’s possible I’ve been prodded into snapping and snarling so all men see is the ferocious beast that they wake. But frankly I’m exhausted of it all. But I’m more likely to be defended and given emotional room than men could expect.

Sure I’m saying the good thing about women is the expectations of us are not usually as toxic as men have for each other. So being a man would be undesirable.

But what do they have besides being able to avoid bleeding once a month? Being a woman gives me freedom I see my male friends restricted from.

A woman in a man’s world is more likely to be welcomed than a man in a woman’s environment. You get fewer rape threats around men. Most get mighty protective. But you’re in a house of women and one threat is given to all of us.

Most men are just as upset at rapists as women and are fed up as being perceived a potential danger just for their gender. Women complain #notallmen is used for derailing #yesallwomen and it can be. But some get a bit sensitive about being a potential enemy before they open their mouths. There’s no good hashtag for that!

Sometimes women need the mic. Sometimes they have to fight for it. So derailing from issues is a frustrating thing to experience. But what should men say if they’re just as appalled?

Well in a woman’s space nothing. But in the outer world we need men to speak up too. And a lot of women don’t differentiate. We need safe spaces to talk. But we can’t make the whole world like that.

Ultimately the best thing about being a women is what others complain about. It’s the likelihood I’ll be assumed to be gentle and caring – and won’t be mocked for such. I’m given room to be myself- or the me I want to be. Because I’m a woman.

There are bad things for sure. But at least I’m not a man!

Men, I love you. But I sure don’t want to be on your side of life!