Sylvanna Devlin

But pink but my Christmas tree has very bright red.

Some days I really want to know what’s going on around me.

Sometimes I don’t

Even when I don’t want to be.

I’ve had such the narrative pumped into my feverish mind that I don’t know if the truth will ever be clear.

I love you.

No wonder I want to die. Everyone seems to know things about a Melissa Devlin and won’t tell me what. Because she stole my pictures.

I got in some snacks, some dealcoholized wine, ready to celebrate the season – along with some wine glasses still in their container.

I really shouldn’t have bought them. I won’t be able to afford them next Christmas. But since I did, and they’re special they’re going under the tree.

Self gifting? Are you that lonely? Right now no. I have my cat and Abba (God) and the world has been so fucking painful I both want to save it, and stay out of it. So I am alone but not lonely.

I’ll probably stream the service the local Christian Orthodox Church has. But still not go out.

It might be different this season if there weren’t presents from impulsive me under the tree!

It’s ridiculous I suppose. And I’m searching for justification and explanations but really it’s just more fun that way. The season is better with a fuller tree.

I do recommend it to those celebrating alone but still celebrating. And there are actually probably more who would, if it weren’t for a bare spot reminding them they’re celebrating the holiday by themselves.

Put a fake tree up, just a little one. Put on some ornaments. Pop a luxury item under that tree if you can afford one. I am in luck in that I still have ornaments and a proper box for them I acquired in 2005-2006 or before.

All my decorations save some paper trees and a couple of stuffed creatures are all I’ve acquired since and I was given them. My tree was bought in 2007. My decorative icicles in 2006. They’ve been through lots of moves with me. My ability to cling on to 20 year old decorations is admittedly a sign I love Christmas.

I don’t even know why.

Since I do. I’m celebrating in style in my tiny room in a woman’s Single Room occupancy building. It’s cramped. But I’m still grateful to be here. It’s the season for gratitude I suppose.

Self care wasn’t a concept I entirely understood. I’m learning to wax legs, proper nails are next. Preening was the only aspect I could get behind. I’m sure a glass of wine, heated blanket and a book would count. I should try it.

A lot of people roll their eyes at the very concept, everyone associates the word self with selfishness and care with others kindness. What the hell is this idea?

Well let’s think about the airplane oxygen mask example always given. If you don’t put yours on first you can’t breathe enough to help others. It’s such a conceptual cliche because it’s an idea we can visualize.

For some self care is a spending spree, it’s true. It’s not spiritually invigorating but some find comfort in finding a deal or best quality item. I’m not going to judge. And I certainly wasn’t going to bother last year while in a homeless shelter. But after that slightly crowded environment – with a roommate losing her shit, actually getting sick, and my cat (thankfully) at a friend’s? I could do with a better experience.

So a few modest self purchased presents under the tree.

I didn’t celebrate at all in 2023 either. It just wasn’t an option with the constant audio abuse and it was my first Christmas alone with my cat. So this is Tabiitha”s first actual Christmas with me too.

I can’t explain why it works. It just does. Frankly I could do with sitting with my grief alone and in private, and my stalker kind of makes everyone able to have visuals and maybe even commentary anyway. But it’s better than nothing.

Maybe next year I’ll be more social. But this year at least I’m satisfied with the way I’m celebrating the season.

What is it? It’s creating or altering real sound, video, and social media. False pictures. 3D images. And lots and lots of synthesized sound. It can also involve hacking – and for me reading off what I’m writing!

It’s too much to live with. I understand. But it’s here and it’s real – reality abuse.

Add gaslighting about what’s created? And good luck reporting it.

Time delays with baited questions, 24/7 noise that breaks down your ability to describe what’s happening to you. And it sounds like madness.

Personally I’m tired of being blamed for being a bullseye.

What’s that? In a divide and conquer situation you target someone innocent and drive everyone to fight about whether she’s the village sweetheart or wicked witch!

It’s a new form of terrorism. And it’s happening to me again right now.

Usually the goal is to scare everyone. And I’ve left a paper trail a mile long so you bet someone is worrying. But the general populace falls apart before they know what’s happened to them.

America, thanks to certain politics, is on the world’s shit list again. And other immigrants and asylum seekers are having a hard time.

With institutional racism, homophobia, and a generally sexist history, many on the left wing no longer see themselves as Patriots. They may even say they’d love this country a whole lot more if it wasn’t currently a bit… divided.

If you love someone or something you want to fix what’s broken and all.

But I want to point out an aspect sworn about by other countries. The English are particularly unwelcoming of Americans “Sloppy Language usage.” And indeed the fluidity can be frustrating as context is everything and soundbites steal their lies from true statements that actually mean something else.

But it’s a living language. It’s supposed to change. It’s supposed to be flexible. And with the ease and fluidity of American English they are so naturally used to listening for context that if you’re struggling to communicate? They’ll meet you half way with what you seem to be saying. If they’re wrong you want to change your wording anyway!

It’s perhaps easier for me to appreciate the American Dream. While I myself am on my “down and outs”, my father came to this country barely able to afford furniture – and not always.

A stuffed bear I had gotten for Christmas was really too expensive, but I loved it so much they bought it anyway. Hardly the pile of toys people imagine.

My Dad has more flexibility now even if he does still panic about money. Post war Britain was like that and my childhood was long enough ago to be affected.

Now I’m out and struggling. I’m one step from the homeless shelter I was in last year. And that was one step from sleeping in my car.

I don’t really know the why, but okay. I was cut off for a while and I have disabilities. I couldn’t climb out without help from “The System”.

But I am climbing out.

I also had a pretty serious suicide attempt this past July. In England I wouldn’t be worth saving really. I would be viewed as another poor person and they wouldn’t have tried what my ER surgeon managed.

He did near experimental surgery to save me. New ideas barely out of medical speculation. I didn’t ask but it might have been the first it was done. I’m still here because my heart would beat but not do anything about oxygen even with a tube down my throat. Lungs just weren’t able to get the message in.

So they drew my blood out one vein,, oxygenated it, and put it back in. I had an external machine as a second heart for a while. And it worked.

I was damn serious. I don’t know at which point but they also has to do CPR. It was intense.

But they did it. I’m here writing this thanks to a massive team. No one wrote me off as worthless or unsavable. I was in the hospital for three weeks. Mostly asleep for months after. I really fucking tried. But so did the team saving me and they won.

America Medical anything gets criticized a lot – mostly because we’re so fucking big it really can vary and shitting on “the new kid” seems to be popular. Cherry-pick failures in a one hospital city and you could be disappointed.

But even one that screwed me over a few times has my respect from saving my Mom from a brain embolism. Like holy shit.

It was suggested I sue, but it was a county hospital. That budget would have come out of emergency service pay and I don’t fucking think so. They deserved better.

That’s America for you, a little wild and free but with the occasional surprise and a lot of people who are pissed off because they care.

You nutty lot, you love each other and I love all of you. It’s so annoying we have the divides we do because there’s beauty in everyone and this country.

Being told to “go back to ___” hurts like hell. But others use the hard to learn fluid language skills to help non native speakers communicate. They reach out, they try. They may even know a few words. You just don’t get that everywhere.

You usually have to adapt when you emigrate and maybe can’t. But In America it’s embraced as much as it’s criticized. Americans love their diversity!

Good god there’s no way to make this country less interesting! Which makes you as creative as you can be, but not exactly calm.

Sure we’re exhausted by our infighting. So I go back to saying we agree we could all use more sleep and the changes to make it possible.

Vacation time wouldn’t hurt either.

We just need everyone to recognize you only learn the value of a dollar by not having any. Not by pooling it and judging. Boy sometimes my fellow Americans rub me the wrong way. But at least I can talk about it!

The guardian newspaper had to move their headquarters to New York because they’re protected here. You underestimate the value of free speech and you have it in the constitution!

Maybe we could annoy each other less if we agree diversity is good, fluid language skills are better, and we could all do with a fucking nap!

Sorry, just teasing on the last part.

I can here. Because you’re more likely to get the fucking joke. Some of my fellow countrymen are being fooled by an imposter. But I’m not written off. I’m rescued.

Bas is omnidirectional and travels through solid objects. If someone is playing a low loop loud enough everyone can experience the sound even if it doesn’t seem to register.

High pitched whines don’t know about. But put something at a high frequency and high decibel and it can make your teeth hurt!

Seriously my stalker is an asshole.

Because he’s doing it right now.

And it’s fucking penetrating like needles in the brain.

What does he want? For me to fucking kill myself proper this time. Please don’t fucking ask me to back down, because while it is indeed torture? Yeah, No. I don’t control it.

He specifically wants my suicide not a different kind of murder. He wants to annihilate me. There’s no evidence he will stop if he succeeds in ending me. So if you don’t mind please don’t joke about killing me in my earshot.

Why? Ah yes, I’ve wondered that too and heard many explanations. But really now it’s about revenge for an act I will never regret.

You”ll be able to learn what in about fifty years. I’m under no orders but I’m am American patriot thank you very much.

Yes I born in another country. Yes my accent reveals an English childhood. But I’m American now. And no one can see the beauty of America like an immigrant. Also thank you very much.

I have to keep an eye on her almost full time!