Sylvanna Devlin

If you are so unlucky as to have someone screw with your subconscious for the “LOL”s – or maybe something like whining “I don’t want to live next to you because you’re mentally ill”

Thank you for audibly spying on me, building-mate I heard your voice trying to autofill my words and I’m done with all of you.

Of course I sound paranoid. I’m the target of a game of harassment and mutilation that is fatal. It does not stop if someone goes to the hospital- it follows you there.

That’s if you’re not there from an attempt. Which could be fatal.

Some will gleefully admit its to drive you to suicide. But most are going to use gamification of psychological torment based on what happened to me in Petaluma.

It’s gaslighting galore around here thanks to the world wide war of words. I don’t believe a word of any of it anymore. What isn’t a baiting attempt used out of context but based on my past – using an AI trained with my words. My writing my iteration after iteration.

So let me again remind you the United States Intelligence service have permission to use my full ongoing digital signature to stop them.

I give them discretionary permission to share what is needed with other intelligence services in allied countries.

Don’t fuck with dreams. They become nightmares.

Some are aware of the dangerous situation I’m in. Again being pushed and barbed and lied to and gaslighted – no need for baiting, she just wants my fury.

Because with my PTSD that means my death. I would rather die than feel this ever again and she knows it.

Only German has the right swear words.

But I discovered something interesting.

It’s not medical advice – though you may want to ask your doctor about it

If I use a small ice pack on the base of my skull where the amygdala is. I can calm down.

Someone suggested adding another to cool my neck.

By god it works.

I theorize slowing the blood reduces Iflammation and slows down stress hormones like cortisol.

I don’t actually know.

I just know it works.

Again, not medical advice. Just that it’s interesting.

To cool your temper, cool your amygdala.

Then distract yourself!

Everyone says to pick a book and stick to that.

Fuck that noise.

Sometimes you just can’t focus on the level. Be it refined, kinda there, well it’s written, hey I have these ideas and dialogue, hey I have this concept.

So you swap around at the level you can concentrate on.

That’s how I got fast.

That and 30+ years of hard work.

A good book involves a lot more than slinging sentences together.

Don’t forget what you learnt in high school English but go beyond it.

Good writing is difficult to do!

Without the extra padding of the story of how I figured this out.

Brush off anyone who says plot wasn’t at least difficult to learn.

Brush off the simplicity of the basis. Because even compelling true stories have it. And you might even think, “I could have told you that”

Could you have then please?

Maybe writing classes are better now. But I learnt the hard way.

Over and over, changes, ripping scenes in and out, my voice changes per book and I had to get used to that because that’s my meta voice.

God I wish someone had just pointed this out to me. I think I finally found its inspiration in a book about NaNoWriMo which I don’t participate in but learnt to appreciate.

Anything to solve “bum in chair” syndrome. (I forget which famous author that was, either Bruce Holland Rogers, or Stephen King)

You don’t get anywhere without guidance – even if it’s from other authors, indeed particularly from the good ones!

(Teel James Glenn pointed out fights hurt. I could then write a really good scene focusing on that element)

Delve into your characters – make a volcano one of your characters with a fiery personality (not sorry but should be).

Here we go

Each character wants

X

N

Gets in the way.

Character challenges, changes, somehow gets through N

Changed might get

X

But character might end up with

Y

Maybe they decide it’s better. Maybe they don’t

X fights N and get x or y

Repeat and complicate.

The depths of hell kind of rage? –

Your blood boils and every wound is ripped open and your anger reaches into the depths of hell and pulls dark energy up into a torrent of righteous fury. Not demonic, no. Something older and more primordial.

Fuck you, and not so kindly.

Practice using them.

Some are harder to remember if you are not around someone who uses them. Practice is difficult without context. But if enby is a new word for you at least practice using “they”. It’s better than misgendering someone. Then you can practice any specific ones.

I use a new set in my book – and make fun of those who don’t try. But I still struggle with ones I haven’t used or encountered.

Genderqueer characters, or those without any gender because why should they, and characters of an unknown gender usually have ae, aers, aer, aerself. Those I could easily adapt to and fly through using them in my fiction.

Sometimes books get categorized as “gay fiction” for a single gay character. This happened and was fought by a famous mainstream author who wanted people to find her books in her section of the bookstore. Which was either romance or urban fantasy, I can’t remember.

She both didn’t want to disappoint those looking for fiction focused on queer characters. And wanted to yank the existence of gay characters into the light.

No “well nothing indicates this, and I finished all the books but Dumbledor was gay”, Ms Rowling.

Once the book is out there the tweaking of the tale is a no go!

Sorry, writer spat.

The fight to include genderqueer characters is going to be interesting. And currently there are a lot of options for what to use. I just focused on the ones I found easiest for me. As I’m used to those who prefer “they”; because the new ones are yet to go mainstream. I hope to fix that. Provided my books make it into the spotlight.

Maybe if “mainstream” (if fantasy and science fiction count – which they should) authors use genderqueer pronouns we will better absorb the words into our culture and help be more inclusive.

Looking at you romance, fantasy, and sci-fi authors. You’re books are the most popular sections of any.

While I do have a character with no sex or gender – and I use those pronouns for aer, I object to the words being referred to as flat out being “without gender” because fuck you, genderqueer is a gender.

But that’s personal.

I also use them for when the gender isn’t specific or discernible – one hermaphroditic dragon likes them. I still think we need to consider our language carefully as agender is indeed on the wheel of the gender spectrum (Gender is a circle not a line), but we need to respect that a third one is forming.

People who feel that they don’t belong in either are starting to have their identity recognized. Let’s celebrate and note we are now recognizing and adding to our culture a label for the way people already felt – but younger folks questioning their gender have a “go to” for “neither of the other two* thank you.

*well more than that. But let’s start recognizing three and then move on to other specific genders that aren’t woman and man.

If someone likes pronouns that you are not familiar with, use them. I don’t care if they look like a woman but identify as a man, or they look like a man but you’re pretty sure their sex is not in the same narrow checkbox.

In California asking for pronouns was supposed to be with all people (well at least San Francisco) but it gets weird sometimes, and insulting.

When you introduce yourself please (if you feel safe) offer your preferred pronouns. If you feel safe being key.

It’s okay if you’re not comfortable with that, even the queer community sometimes has peer pressure. Go at your own pace and look into blogs.

As far as books go, my mother found “Intersex” a little boring. But I haven’t personally looked. I know some who liked it. And it’s likely that those born intersex gravitate towards a genderqueer identity – that’s not always the case

Yes people are born with both parts or they aren’t there, or they’re in a different spot. They have support groups btw if you’ve grown up without that option.

Genderqueer is another option whether you were born with male or female body parts (or both). Or you hit puberty and grow breasts because your hormones neglected to tell you that you were XXY

Which can result in never finding out, or puberty changes more than usual.

Sorry side quest.

Anyway.

To shorten a long post (too late)*

*thank you the movie “Clue”. Now if you want to hear a nice voice Tim Curry and Alan Rickman. Oh my god.

Again, anyway. Use the preferred pronouns. Who cares if they’re new, and of course they’re “made up” all language is. Practice if you can. Just don’t be an ass.

There’s a bumper sticker.

Don’t be an ass.

Without going into any personal fantasies. I have been a service dom in the past. I’m switch enough I suppose…

I was taught a lot by my favorite cafe in San Francisco, wicked grounds. A kink cafe that was also considered a queer safe space. (That’s what it’s called for those not in the queer community. Please don’t presume to speak for us)

It was fabulous, of course. They might have been the reason my wedding – with my ombré hair down and wild with curls, and my ex spouse in an outfit that was fittingly gender neutral. Dressy, but green and gold and not a dress. I found the pattern admittedly. But it was made by a friend. I forget if a visit to Britex was involved. (A five story house sized fabric store) So my wedding was fabulous too.

I’m used to having a safe space to discuss ideas, being different, and respectful disagreement. So if I have a wild statement it might be listened to and refined. Or disagreement anything but personal.

Clear and open communication is the basis of safe and satisfying kink. I suspect those opposed to my privacy don’t understand that idea. So aftercare might be an entirely new concept.

Couples, threesomes, whatever, often play with kink without ever coming across the idea and practice. It can damage a relationship to forget aftercare.

So what is it?

When red light has been announced, play time is over and the sub gets extra special attention – specifically from the dom. No sub to sub cuddling unless the dom is cuddling too.

Gentleness and an offer of tea help. But the cuddling is ESSENTIAL.

Have I got your attention yet?

Without aftercare part of our psyche feels abused. We may have been into the idea and interested in you. But cuddling and kindness have to follow. Usually before sex. But not always.

Now some both need to collapse in an exhausted heap. I’m not one for immediate post coital anything – particularly not pillow talk. If we’re too hot to touch each other we’re too hot to talk.

But after you both accidentally fall asleep. Cuddling ensues. Warmth, kindness, and tenderness from the dom are essential. Even if it is such a rare sight the intimacy is intoxicating.

Tough as nails you might be. Soft and sweet after a session with a whip are essential.

Sometimes, if it’s good, the sub cries. I never went into kink that deeply. But I certainly read a book on the subject.

Oh yes, beyond rope guides are sub and dom guides. The kink community in San Francisco looked after each other.

Tears or no, aftercare is basically comforting the sub. Light play requires it too. Kink is pointless if your walls aren’t dropping for both of you. And conversation may indeed follow. But it’s close and again, intimate.

You need trust and to clearly communicate with each other first.

Plan your play.

It’s still exciting, I promise you. But remember it’s supposed to be play. Some sessions get really intense (from what I’m told) but it’s still play.

It’s not sex.

You might have sex after.

But people go to professional doms for a reason. And yes there’s after care but it’s not sex. It’s not cheating and it’s not prostitution. Are we clear?

Speaking from the conversation I had with a real dom. A lot of people were interested in “topping” me. But we didn’t have the connection I wanted. So no.

Consent matters

And for the sake of the gods (a saying that avoids blasphemy and makes pagans feel included) do not forget.

Aftercare matters.

Read a book or two on the subject and the position you plan. They’ll probably go into it better than this post.

Rape is about power and control, with a man pleasing himself in the process. We forget that they’re enjoying themselves. And tend to only consider the psychological side. But ultimately they are entitled assholes who “want what they want”

if you don’t recognize the saying, it might help to read a book once in a while.

A textbook could help.

Yep I’m that mad.

I’m dealing with what has been said to be stupidity. But it’s not. It’s entitled women mentality raping me for power and control, while they enjoy trying to hurt me.

My attention seems to be delicious.

So here we go. How do you cope with being raped every night? I mean extreme right? But women (myself included) have had that experience.

First I ran. And ran again, and again. Even groomed you have an instinct for self preservation. What do you do before running? Other than publicly shaming them?

You entitled bitches aren’t stupid, you’re presumptuous because you’re mental rapists.

Reactive abuse is psychological rape.

I’m still working on a way to cope with rapists. Invasive, presumptuous, entitled, psychological rapists.

Repetition helps.

My private journal would help.

But… issues with privacy are an issue.

So to “enjoy myself”. These women are presumptuous, entitled, rapists who don’t understand consent and when it is okay to do something someone enjoys – which is putting bitches in their place permanently.

So while you will continue you use psychological rape?

I will continue to enjoy pointing it out on my blog.

You don’t have to read it.

I’m not sure if they assume we’re so stupid we can’t tell the difference. Or they can’t.

But that’s rapists for you.

Writing about presumptius. Mental Rapists who feel entitled to suggest I brush my hair for my own selfie, on my own blog, taken in privacy, on my own phone.

So here’s my current mood.

I don’t know what’s going on.

To sum u:p:

I’ve been really depressed but I finally made plans for my life to progress. I’m disabled but I think I can work as a part time ASL translator – I’m just on the waitlist for classes.

I hope to move on to a BS in mathematics and an MA in communication. (I have a BA in communication)

It may take some clerical wriggling. To do both at once. But I could probably persuade them once I’m in the masters program.

I’m mathematically gifted but didn’t pursue it. But now want to work with human computer interaction. With a focus on Data Exhaustion.

There’s a good PHD program in Seattle.

It’s more than placing my identity in my writing.

I wanted to be a writer since I was 9. I’m 47. I’ve gotten pretty good but placed my whole identity on that and it’s not enough.

But I have just received a good review of my self published book and my Dad is very excited and was encouraging.

That meant a lot to me.

I have a sequel planned but am just taking notes right now.

I need to loose some weight and I’d like to bellydance again. But first I need to improve my posture.

My life had me slumped forward and I’m trying to fix it. But I do have the PT tools to help and I remember what to do.

I have a particular spiritual book can take notes on too. The reason I’m on this planet. So I even have a sense of meaning,

I should be okay. But I’m not. My fibromyalgia flared and my lower back is making it hard to move. I feel like I woke in a broken body. I struggle to turn over in bed.

I considered the hospital during a spike yesterday. My tailbone is pulling everything to it and my hips hurt!

They’re just hurdles. Others have managed them before. And that’s a pretty bright future I’ve planned out.

I have the impulse to just give up, but not the ideation. My cat would be annoyed and my sister is going through enough. As is my brother in law. My parents have struggled and it would be like a cannon ball wrecking their well earned calmer lives.

I also had an attempt back last year and don’t want to let the team that saved my life down. It took major surgery and 3 weeks in the hospital.

But I just snapped and want to give up. I snap again and I might. I don’t want to. But I don’t want to be this miserable.

I spend each day “just making it through.” I don’t even know what I’m waiting out anymore.

I can’t do this. I need divine help. The stairs up are before me and I’m collapsed on the first one.

Without going into detail I agreed to stick close to home and focus on my physical health this year. I could practice the ASL alphabet and learn one language. But otherwise it was weight loss and dancing.

I’m currently very isolated.

And my surroundings are toxic.

I need to move and don’t know if I can. Or how. I wasn’t going to, but it became an option despite other circumstances.

I just don’t know how.

It’s imperative I survive. Essential in a way I can’t delve into. But my toxic bullies just say, “Honey, that was gaslighting.”

I should live anyway. Follow the required restrictions. Better to be safe.

It keeps me alive.

I just don’t want to be.