Sylvanna Devlin

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Without discussing the ordeal in reaching into your soul for your personal ultimate truth?

Mine result, brief as it may be was without any control whatsoever. Nothing. No walls, filters or drugs involved. Nothing mind altering. Pure near abstract thought.

“I do not belong to you.”

And she danced

And the rain did come

And the flood did pour

And the world was covered in their own awe.

Stupid

Stupid

Women

Who don’t want me able to easily orgasm anymore.

So seriously interrupted, harassed, and harangued me for 17 hours because it’s impossible to get off with them scuppering my solo sex life.

Why?

Are they really so jealous it used to be under a minute they would chatter nonstop to give me hang ups?

Holy shit they’re not stupid.

They’re evil.

There is an issue I’ve noticed that is a little surprising to me. I have been fairly isolated and those I lived with I trusted.

When I couldn’t trust my spouse anymore it was over.

For me, trust is synonymous with love. I really don’t worry over looks or even demeanor. Just how much I can trust someone. The more I trust the more in love I become. And that bond becomes unbreakable so long as that trust isn’t betrayed.

Oddly – or perhaps related – I now have trust issues. Too many abusive attempts to control me. Too many lies and too much manipulation. While I am generally loving and kind, compassionate to as many as I can be. The bond I seek is rare.

I am loyal, faithful, honest, and clear. These traits make me worthy of reciprocated trust. As initial issues are possible. But at some point if you won’t trust me?

It’s still over.

Because the heartbreak of loving and trusting someone so intensely who doesn’t feel the same is too much. I’ve been there. I can’t do it again. I am worthy of endless trust and seek to live as honest a life as possible.

Which right now is fairly lonely.

Particularly since I’m around lying bitches who don’t see a problem with dishonesty, with reactive abuse, and who demand respect without offering any back.

I respect most people at first. But their behavior was a fast track to dismissal. They could recover if they see the value in someone warm, tender, and kind despite literal years of psychological torture.

Indeed being sweet is just a sign of a mark to most of the women I’m referring too. Most stay out of it. Perhaps as worthy of trust but without the same passion for earnest behavior.

Nothing wrong with wanting to be normal. But I don’t. I want to be part angel, part pixie and all dragon if breathing fire or endurance is required.

And I’ve been pushed, prodded, and shat on for it.

They can bugger off. I remembered me and plan to continue to decide I’m a rockstar academic and writer. There’s no going back now.

That’s me though.

What about someone I can trust?

Someone who values my faith.

Not at easy as it sounds, apparently. But it should be.

But hilarious.

Apparently someone said

“Obey me. Say a nonsense phrase”

And asleep I replied

“aleph fievel farfegnugen”

Which is probably the politest way to say “fuck off, you fuckwit” I can imagine.

Aleph is the symbol for infinity in mathematics

Fievel is a Yiddish name meaning “smart one” – that I’m pretty sure was meant sarcastically

farfegnugen is a German word for “driving pleasure”

So I suppose, if we assume it’s like Latin enough.

“Oh smart one, go for a drive, forever.”

My partially dislocated jaw has become a painful issue. So I’m trying to hold my jaw in place and get the muscles to sort out the rest.

I am harassed and harangued and unsure I even know who I’m living near anymore. But they escalated their threats, lies, and instigation of fights after I booted them from my internet.

Before I did so, there were endless sounds of harassment from surrounding audio equipment (like a google play).

I didn’t have them in my room or under my control but booting the local leader from the network briefly stopped everything and settled down half permanently.

I’ve been unwilling to acquiesce to requests to restore their access.

Someone here is responsible for the theft, threats, harassment and bullying of everyone who doesn’t

“Obey” and everyone else has “step in line”

I don’t f’n think so.

But she and her cohorts here know how and where to go to gain access to address me, hear me. And they read and comment on everything I do.

They are now using general knowledge of their spying to lie about what they have seen.

And what they are saying is atrocious.

Now I’m being warned of currently stymied attempts at a nude three D model. My unused body commenced on if I am alone in my apartment and naked.

Their goal is obedience or death and they’ve turned the public against me to get the former.

Absolutely not. I will not be succumbing to their abuse. But fully believe that if they are not stopped they will drive me to another and more successful suicide attempt.

Do you really want to be a part of that? An unwitting tool of abuse?

But bored of selfies

I’m buying a journal with some basic questions to answer for myself. And it doesn’t matter how strange or even stupid the questions seem. Anyone who doesn’t understand why I feel like writing this down is lucky enough not to have ever had someone try to stamp out their personality.

So my questions?

Who am I?

What are my names?

What kind of mind do I have?

What is my thinking style?

How do I like to express myself?

What kind of environments do I like?

What’s my favorite kind of humor?

What do I do?

What else am I capable of?

What are my talents?

What skills have I developed?

What do I enjoy?

What do I consider important?

What is my creed?

What do I wish I could do?

What do I do for fun/while taking a break?

Who are my favorite kinds of people?

What do I like about other people?

What do I wish others would stop doing?

What are my other attitudes?