Everything and everyone settle down – myself included.
I’d like to:
Recover my physical health.
Have everyone leave me and Tabitha alone.
Do laundry at night, garbage out too. Check my mail. Get necessities delivered. Go to the doctors and the dentist without concern of loss or destruction.
Go to university for a second bachelors. This time in Mathematics and move on to designing AI Architecture to solve my concerns on Data Exhaustion and Reality Abuse. As well as facilitate communication between pre-collegiate students and experts.
I’d also like to.
To sell my fiction and non-fiction
To self publish those spiritual books I promised.
That’s what I would like.
In general:
I’m having to put bellydance and ASL in the hobby departments but the former is excellent exercise and I need that. But maybe I don’t need professional level dancing condition.
And learning ASL will help me develop what I’d really ultimately like to do.
Design AI Architecture with my skills.
If I can do it. Maybe I can develop an AI to at least facilitate it.
I would be able to do this more easily without cognitive impairment from an abusive environment.
But
I wrote a book countering abuse.
I rebuke arseholes on my blog.
And as a result they turned terrorists and feel justified doing so. Using a weapon of mass abuse to try to control and curtail any resistance.
Now my book, Game Over, about reactive abuse – which will now be recognized as a certain kind of trolling (wish I had thought of it) is the thorn in the side of abuse.
And I will not back down.
I do need to learn to cope with abuse for the sake of abuse. And abuse because they’re that abusive. But I’m not entirely sure I can.
Today I went from. “I don’t want to die but I don’t want to be alive”
To “Actually I change my mind. I’d rather be dead.”
To “Maybe I should give up”
Because it seemed like it was over for me. The troll-bot was focused elsewhere. But I still live with intellectually inhibited arseholes.
And they personally would not stop.
But as long as the troll-bot weapon continues not to focus on me maybe I can go back to stage one at least.
On a personal update. Less Diet Coke has left me too sleepy to cope and very bloated. Hopefully I can get through my caffeine dependence!
Tabitha because I’m avoiding the camera till the bloating settles down.
Last time my recipe didn’t have any flavoring but a teaspoon of honey and it is debatable if it’s fair to call that unsweetened.
I think 1 tsp of honey pert two cups cooked is indeed enough either way.
Take the same base 1 cup cooked rice (cold), coconut or almond milk to a soupy texture. Add 1 teaspoon honey, sprinkle a mild dusting of grated cardamom. Put back on in a two cup rice cooker.
When cooked but still warm, Soak saffron in a shot glass of almond milk. Stir in with more almond or coconut milk till a pudding texture. Leave to cool.
Refrigerate if possible.
Tabitha resting where she flopped. Because Tabitha.
Most of these can be felt in the brain. I can hear them. There are more. These are just the dangerous ones. I remember off the top of my head.
And I’m avoiding ideas like subliminal messages to kill yourself, because while real. Isn’t my point.
A single tone just like bad wiring if you do hear it.
Quite apart from the full frequency high decibel sweep that caused my cat to have a stroke, and induced paralytic effects while active.
And the extreme one that was used in my studio in my prior home. That amplified a digger in an attempt to kill me.
Though they said they were questioning me it was too loud and almost liquified my brain. I couldn’t hear the world for two weeks afterwards.
They do keep looking for an “answer the question” one as they are aware people can become chatty with certain frequencies pressing on their brain.
One feels like three spikes entering the forehead. It’s vicious and causes dangerous cognitive impairment and needs the foods to treat it I’ve listened before.
It’s unclear if it would cause permanent brain damage in a less plastic brain. (Jokes I wish to make suppressed)
Another induces suicidal feelings.
The “fibromyalgia frequency” causes pain sensitivity and nerve pain in regular people and ramps it up if you already have fibromyalgia. (As the source of REAL pain is a spot in the brain)
Irritability is understood to be likely.
Some cause can knock an individual out so thoroughly they can be stolen from with them “sleeping” right there.
It’s likely some affects pacemakers it certainly can cause such significant stress the heart goes off kilter.
They now said they’re hunting for “behavior modification” but not mind control. (The latter being unlikely)
So think of it as aversion therapy I ignore. Because they don’t actually do it correctly and I’m never saying their mistakes again.
Broadcasting on those frequencies is very illegal and that is in essence what it being done. Mostly through things hooked into AI like Alexa and google play.
So yes, hacking is involved too but I’ve been over how an AI virus can infect an AI!
(By request – as a longer book version is in the works)
A thorn in the mind is going to piss you off. Direct torture aside, some psychological abuse is just as bad.
Reactive abuse makes you think you’re the problem.
But make sure you distinguish between deliberate abuse and abusive behavior.
A lot of people in America have the latter. I have no tolerance for it anymore (separate from trying not to giggle at purely cranky behavior). But I don’t recommend it for everyone.
Let’s change our situation. Not ignore it. If you feel a relationship is changing you it’s possible, if you acknowledge it or not, you are supremely pissed off.
It can tear us up inside because that fuse gets burnt up no matter how long it gets or how much you dodge.
That’s not someone in a bad mood. That’s an asshole.
Then (sometimes) there’s don’t join them – flatten them.
Which is what I do.
So I try to avoid arguing if I can. (If I can, big “if” involved when it comes to being on the receiving end of cumulative abuse)
You may stop caring what others think because the others don’t want to believe you’re by nature good. And choose to believe the worst.
Even if you were a jerk some assholes don’t let things drop enough to change.
They might not have started as the asshole but they are then.
If it’s sheer cumulative reactive abuse use it as an unfortunate opportunity to climb on a clysdale. (More on that further on)
The more we give into heated arguments, from personal experience, the more fuel we feed our negative sides.
What if the situation is more complicated, however?
Abuse is so normalized in America that some people genuinely don’t realize how hurtful they are because they needle when angry – which is indeed still abuse. And America tries to force feelings into silence.
Even love is regarded with an eye of “what do you want?” And anger and frustration are rippling below the surface but somehow no one is allowed to talk about it like reasonable people.
Any remotely negative response is regarded as your own problem not the abuse of the needling bastard.
Relationships are partnerships you are both responsible for each other.
Okay?
Yes, friendships too.
Are you with me now?
If they don’t invent arguments to take it out on you it’s a maladaptive cultural habit. But some people are just cranky pants.
Your partner may be amazing unless you’re fighting. Leave, if the cops have to be called, but have no regrets. Try convincing him to get therapy to learn healthier ways to express and communicate frustration.
Do not suggest anger management- find out what’s really pissing him off and see if you can resolve it together.
The emotional “v” works on almost everyone because not everybody is really aware of what’s working under the surface and I don’t mean a painful childhood!
If the boss was an asshole and he doesn’t want to take it out on you but is irritable as fuck because he’s already pissed off it can turn quite toxic.
Really he might need some space and to chill with a violent video game.
Psychological hop scotch has argued violent games beget violent moods. That’s bullshit. Violent games release violent moods on a digital enemy.
No getting pissy over vent though!
Can being angry feed into being angrier? Yes. And it can seem to change us. We need a way to scream out rage however because our system is fucking ready. Those reflexes are fast and (sorry) furious..
If you can’t, it can go into the body like mine did. Never to be expressed because journaling doesn’t do it.
But fuck does that end in physical pain.
I am still looking for a way as so far have muttering and people hear that. So blog posts to get others to back off get written in a hurry.
Yes that is different from journaling.
Because I’m communicating to others.
It helps.
After enough harassment I went through a few stages till the Dragon in me decided it was an adult-adult and fucking tired.
But it’s not like that’s easy or even recommended- at least the method used!
I mean sure. If you generally regard people needling you as gnats you might swat at them once in a while but eventually they’ll learn to go back to being people.
They’ve all been the assholes.
And “just ignore them, they’re only trying to get a rise out of you.”
Isn’t helpful advice.
Nope you need that clysdale and to be confident sitting on it. Regard them as wailing babies who need to tire themselves out and wait it out.
Eventually their ire will settle and you can address any disagreement when they’re done being assholes.
But do address the trigger point because they might be more reasonable in motive than behavior.
Sorry this isn’t my best writing. I’m not feeling a hundred percent enthusiastic about the subject for some reason…
I have a wild theory. It’s shared by psychologists though. Just ones we don’t listen to because they’re skinny!
Speaking from the perspective of someone 80 lbs overweight- some medication at first but the rest (and since) caused by emotional eating…
A life with such grief would cause all kinds of attempts at coping mechanisms but I suspect there’s a “bonus” to being bigger.
Besides being able to put your weight into a punch!
Bear with me:
People are assholes when you are overweight. And it’s possible fitness is partially so appealing because the sex iis naturally better with a strong body that has a lot of “staying power”.
Fewer inhabitations help though and these days you can be fit and plump too!
But sometimes some of us would like to be left alone with a shipment of crisps.
We can certainly work on reducing fat shaming. But it might help to realize why some people don’t like losing weight. And that’s because they feel more visible and don’t recognize the mirror anymore!
Are you losing weight because you want to or are people being assholes about it?
Personally I don’t feel fat and glorious because of it. I’m frustrated by my size – particularly when I shop for clothes.
But there may (for some) be an instinct to stay less noticeable when dieting is scuppered.
It’s not necessarily healthy but add in you are the descends of the dust bowel survivors.
Your body is basically saying, “oh hell no. No more famine fuck off”
And your heart might greave from unwanted attention- or an alien in the mirror.
Sure your body self regulates when you cut sugar. I knew this. Didn’t listen because I was too upset to care. And now I set sugar aside for lent my tastebuds improved and as Dr. Lustig would have expected- my appetite dropped tremendously.
I’m not having an an anorexic relapse. I was having a bulimic one. But now my body is just “hand me the vitamins, I’ve got this”
I’m now going through a saggy awkward phase., however,
Visibly so.
But I need this fat to go.
That’s my theory. For some staying overweight helps them feel invisible. Which some don’t want and I don’t have a choice about.
But some do.
Well fuck
As an aside
Three things:
Emotional eating is nigh impossible to avoid once it’s started. I dumped it all onto Diet Coke at one point because everyone complained about it and it made it a guilty pleasure.
I’m getting more sensitive to sweetness again so I’m retraining my brain to crave salt not sweetener. Not that it’s good for me.
But I swear there’s perversity in our psychology that turns anything unhealthy into an illicit substance. (It probably causes a mild adrenaline surge)
Also:
Don’t become adverse to cooking by trying to do to much on low energy days.
And:
Hydration helps weight loss not by suppressing appetite but handing your body what it needs to liquify concentrated fuel
The instructions are close to other attacks on the brain – via attempts similar to force you to “get clear” (as an example)
Your physical brain has been attacked. You need to protect and then potentially rebuild.
You need an ass tone of zinc
Omega 6 (and 3 if you can get a complex)
Don’t take any Benzodiazepines, narcotics, or other opioids.
If you need help mellowing, god and veganism will forgive shortbread as the perfect example of the correct sugar, fat, salt combination to have a dopamine (as in stimulating the hormone) affect on the brain.
If you are strangely experiencing pain that passes 10 and needs its own scale?
It might be nerve pain.
At mild, its pain and tingling, and at extreme it’s hot lava nerves that also make everything touching you hurt and can make it hard to hold anything.
If you’ve ever had bone wracking flu (which can cause fibromyalgia) that’s about level one of nerve pain.
An attack on the brain can stimulate the same center that goes wonky in those of us with a pain syndrome and cause REAL pain in regular people.
Of course it’s in your head, where the fuck else processes the nerves saying “hey that hurts?”
CRPS is another example of a pain syndrome.
The pain is REAL the attack is REAL. It is not your imagination.
You may need to up your cholesterol intake afterwards. I’m not sure on that. Last I checked the jury was out on where your brain pulled cholesterol from. But knowing the human body, probably anywhere it can – just not necessarily efficiently.
Try eating something fatty.
Even if it’s avocado.
Your cognition will be impaired at first. Try to avoid operating heavy machinery if possible. Mellow out. Avoid drugs. And watch anime or something.
Remember. The pain you are experiencing is always REAL because your head does indeed process that fucking pain.
Sylvanna Devlin 