Sylvanna Devlin

There is an issue I’ve noticed that is a little surprising to me. I have been fairly isolated and those I lived with I trusted.

When I couldn’t trust my spouse anymore it was over.

For me, trust is synonymous with love. I really don’t worry over looks or even demeanor. Just how much I can trust someone. The more I trust the more in love I become. And that bond becomes unbreakable so long as that trust isn’t betrayed.

Oddly – or perhaps related – I now have trust issues. Too many abusive attempts to control me. Too many lies and too much manipulation. While I am generally loving and kind, compassionate to as many as I can be. The bond I seek is rare.

I am loyal, faithful, honest, and clear. These traits make me worthy of reciprocated trust. As initial issues are possible. But at some point if you won’t trust me?

It’s still over.

Because the heartbreak of loving and trusting someone so intensely who doesn’t feel the same is too much. I’ve been there. I can’t do it again. I am worthy of endless trust and seek to live as honest a life as possible.

Which right now is fairly lonely.

Particularly since I’m around lying bitches who don’t see a problem with dishonesty, with reactive abuse, and who demand respect without offering any back.

I respect most people at first. But their behavior was a fast track to dismissal. They could recover if they see the value in someone warm, tender, and kind despite literal years of psychological torture.

Indeed being sweet is just a sign of a mark to most of the women I’m referring too. Most stay out of it. Perhaps as worthy of trust but without the same passion for earnest behavior.

Nothing wrong with wanting to be normal. But I don’t. I want to be part angel, part pixie and all dragon if breathing fire or endurance is required.

And I’ve been pushed, prodded, and shat on for it.

They can bugger off. I remembered me and plan to continue to decide I’m a rockstar academic and writer. There’s no going back now.

That’s me though.

What about someone I can trust?

Someone who values my faith.

Not at easy as it sounds, apparently. But it should be.