It’s easy to focus on the negative. But don’t forget, I was dubbed, “The Happy Immigrant”.
A very English response to what they would have seen as a smarmy love letter to America because my birth country is like that.
But I’m American now. And we go in for that sort of thing.
Particularly these days when we really want to be reminded of the good in our country because cultural diversity is being squashed and minimized and more than half the country is entirely fed up with the other half and the feeling is mutual!
OMG America!
This was the land of the brave, remember, as in… oh wait let’s not make an Aldus Huxley reference here.
But the point is, the English stalwarts might have been annoyed with a “what took you so long, by the way these boats leak.”
But the rest of the war-torn inhabitants of the world were relieved to see tall American soldier’s lifting them out of hell!
It seems like a long time ago to our newest generation but not me. But American memory, by nature of the four year term is short. Trump would like more than two goes however so that four year election cycle is looking pretty decent now.
Actually.
The forefathers (most of them) knew what they were doing. Some stuff… meh we disagreed later about. But the constitution was far better than the Magna Carta and Most of the world based their constitution on the American one.
The French gave America the statue of liberty after they were inspired by American ideals.
Do you remember the plaque? Installed later on?
“Give me your tired, your poor/ Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free”
We’ve lost our standing in the world and some don’t care. But we should. Because we were hero’s.
Immigrants too.
Don’t you want to live up to hero instead of spit on them?
We can do better.
Because some do.
I mentioned my life being saved, and the incredible resources for the homeless and mentally ill where I am.
Stigma has seemed like a huge problem in Portland. But I think it’s an extreme minority being very loud and abusive. I loved this city until a certain weapon was pointed my way.
I could again.
Just as I love this country. And the freedom to speak my mind. I would like to suggest some of us are tired of the bull crap from the rest. Thank you not-so-much!
Forgot battles over blog posts. This country isn’t built on fear of the tallest poppy. It sure has had issues with it. And some will (reasonably so) disagree as the abuse is so pervasive it certainly seems some citizens are oriented around fear.
But that’s not what we’re supposed to be about. We can do better.
And in America I, usually, do not get shot at for suggesting we return to our ideals- dropping our forefathers racism on the way.
Some communication channels are trying to make us afraid of each other.
Because it sells.
That’s such bull.
We need to stop fake news, overly sensational headlines and clickbait.
We are indeed becoming afraid to leave the house. Because the news is vile.
But we’re all like that.
So it’s not us is it?
It’s loudmouth abusive arses and the loud TV news channels pumping fear. One because it gives them a sense of power and control. The other purely because it makes money.
Maybe if they didn’t feel so powerless, the normalization of abuse would fade.
More reasonable news with less fear mongering might do it.
But my circumstances are such that your toll-bot was set to kill.
You all (the ones harassing me) think you’re the center of the universe and have “just one thing” and dogpile me with cumulative abuse.
You complain my natural voice is too audible, my looks can’t be real, my intelligence- thanks to severe cognitive abuse isn’t there, my attempts to be kind are meaningless because no one believes that of me.
You are all strangers to me, with only lies and and vague memories to fill the gaps. Some truth you don’t want to believe.
There are fears of loss related to our homes and loved ones but let’s go on my check list of the back of the psyche:
Financial insecurity- haha yeah, try my history. I don’t recommend it.
Abandonment – we’ll check it off but not go into details.
Homelessness more specifically – le sigh. Are we done society?
My writing being stolen/ripped off – oh yeah, that happened. By so… so many.
My body mutilated? – yes.
To ever again experience bullying like I did when younger?
Oh yes, that happened.
What did fate just say “hold my beer”?
This time it’s worse!
There are the classic fears like public speaking and death.
I have experience speaking into a mic, deliberately so, that doesn’t bother me.
And death?
Yeah went there already, wasn’t that bad.
Rejection?
Well the gaslighters have tried to create relationships to then reject me in, but we became attached and they let me down more easily.
Those who swore they had their hooks in but had yet to develop a friendship were admonished by others.
They’re probably looking for a way.
Well…
Someone in the physical realm tried ghosting me but I didn’t care.
But in general, unless manipulated into existence. One would need to meet me. And want to.
And then want to bugger off.
They’d prefer a different relationship they should go ahead.
But I also don’t try. Even if someone is cute I don’t know we’re not just “hanging out” till they kiss me.
So oblivious to all attraction is probably something that keeps me from sticking my neck out.
There are other ways to indicate interest but those are individually based and private.
Besides the point of the post is experiencing your worst fears and:
I’ve hit bingo.
No wonder I don’t give a rats ass about fear. I mean sure, I’m still trying to protect myself, my cat, and my stuff.
But the twisted up in the back of the psyche ones have now come to pass.
What are you going to do that you haven’t already done or promised to do? It’s not that I don’t believe you. Oh I do. But there’s nothing I can do now someone new has pulled the trigger on the Troll-Bot.
You’re going to steal from me as soon as I go to an appointment. My cat has to go with me when taking the garbage out. And there’s no way to request human decency from a jealous individual.
They want me obliterated.
I don’t know what competition they think they’re in. But I’d like them to fuck right off.
Meanwhile I haven’t really absorbed what to do about surviving all that. There’s the thought no one can. And I’m tempted to agree. But I have somehow.
And I am so welcomed in person I know truth will out eventually. So being believed isn’t really an issue for me.
But
Bloody hell…
Come on!
All I’ve got left expected of me is fear of commitment like all wounded birds.
The energetic seed that moves on to the next life, like the candle to candle explanation of reincarnation.
But the part that is the consciousness goes on to heaven. Probably not purgatory because that would be almost as bad as hell. But there are seven levels to heaven and at the moment of seeing God all worries slip away.
The perfect sleep.
Then there is the electrical signal. The part the seed grows and the consciousness controls.
High voltage and hard to control in some, God can banish dark energies permanently, set that signal to a more gentle setting, and put something there to protect your heart.
This is why some churches have such positive weight placed on baptism. As I have been told it’s similar to the kind of Joy I experienced when God reached in and healed my spirit, protecting it, altering it. Making it a part of him the way we all have the potential to.
At least when baptized as an adult.
That flowing feeling came under attack that night. But it is different than the high voltage sparks my signal used to have – the kind probably left behind in residual hauntings.
It’s the seed reaching out, healed, protected, and connected. And the idea of Tai Chi becomes a whole lot more clear.
It’s perhaps a unifying of parts.
I learnt what was there through death. As my seed had remained. My conscious mind greeted God and when it returned I had to regrow any form of energetic defenses. The electrical signal that dissipates upon death.
We are all correct. Heaven is real – and is nirvana. Not a becoming a nothing but part of everything.
Reincarnation is real but it’s seed to seed and the mind only attaches enough to linger with it through prayer or meditation (maybe both)
And dissipating as atheists tend to believe is also correct.
It depends on if you are focusing on the mind, the blood, or the nervous system.
There’s a reason communion language- as alien as it is to outsiders – speaks of blood.
That’s where that seed is, like a cradle for the mind and nervous system soul signatures and the resting spot of the Holy Spirit to those who connect so deeply to god.
And of course I do.
I
Met him.
Know what he looks like.
That memory surrounds me with Joy. As does that of the unique hot and happy tears of God reaching in, almost – as another pointed out – with a, “here let me help you with that.”
I am very old to energy but very new to Christianity. And fall from the path he set before me.
But I get up, shake out my hair, he dusts me off. And I try again.
And I just have to hold sight that he clearly wants me here.
Because my seed would not leave my body. And others would not let go that my conscious mind would return.
My energetic signature needed to grow back however. And that was mightily new when it did – and when transformed into a more fluid, easier to manage, signature.
I’m still a magical klutz. But a kind one. I think it, and things happen. But I try to be a bit careful of that.
As for compassion fatigue for those you saw near die, and came close again?
It’s normal, actually. And sometimes we need to pass the soul-fire bellows to someone else for a while.
It’s not a reason to get nasty, but is a reason to need to withdraw and recharge.
Please don’t admonish those who need time to recover. So long as they don’t lash out, they probably do need some emotional space for a bit. Just let them return in their own time.
Sylvanna Devlin 