Sylvanna Devlin

Computer security has become such an issue I’ve been obsessed with looking for a solution. Bugs in Bluetooth aside, as I have an answer to that issue which requires variable frequencies and a lot of Geometry. I promise you eyes would glaze over. Short version? You can’t turn it off completely because you would never find anything again if you could!

What we really need is a new CPU and something other than Binary. Hackers are going after the OS now – a reboot seems necessary. 

So if we need to go back go the drawing board on security why can’t we simply change the way circuits work? Ha Simple! Bullshit. Okay getting a fuse type thing into a CPU would be challenging but hear me out.

Circuits are just as they sound, a loop. And there is either power going through that loop or there isn’t. O, 1 ad nausum. That gets Processed, (Hence the other name CPUS are known by), and the. CPU tells the rest of the computer “Hey we’ve got a 0110001… here.”

So what if we added a step? On off, as normal, and stop go? It can either pass through if it’s on or not? Quadniary. How would the mathematics of Trinix or whatever work? Good thing 2 is also a prime number. Nope I’ve lost you.

0,1,11, 01

I don’t know. Maths is weird.

Fine sure it means nothing unless you grew up with those roses made out of zeros and ones and practically see binary in your sleep (I wish I was kidding). We would need to go back to the Quad equivalent of Bios, Quadros or something. We could bug Microsoft and Apple to start over with their operating systems entirely. But I doubt they would be interested unless Quad Bluetooth was an option!

I‘ve lost you again haven’t I? (I’m tired I almost typed Eye). So here’s what we’re looking at, if I skip over various security issues normally associated with the hush agreement of a job. We have a hacker problem. It’s easy now and we’ll leave alone why. Just that a hardware and operating system, back-door type issue is indeed going to cause havoc if we don’t stop bitching about computer engineers securing computers.

Seriously? Come one. Next you’ll complain about… nope my computer just gave me a look. You probably already do but I shouldn’t talk about that either. Sheesh.

Look, here’s the thing. I don’t know anything about the guy, (Elon Musk) Tesla Shmeschler. He does software and designed the operating system of a car. That’s a whole new functionality of a computer for those not impressed. Oh Hey, Elon Musk? Mind giving this post a glance over? What do you say to new hardware? Lots and lots of mathematicians? And maybe the Linux community getting excited again because they were hit the hardest?

Oh my god Sylvanna, drop the tech talk what the fuck would we need to do?

Well the CPU would need to change, RAM would have the same functionality but different slots, so you have to replace the whole thing The graphics card and hard drive are probably fine but the former needs a whole new driver and the later I don’t know. Certainly a new plug and maybe giving up on the old stuff entirely running the world.

Kind of like USB 2.0 becoming Mini-USB

Oh got you back again. Tech companies are about to hit the end of how small they can make things and are running out of innovation which will slow the whole market down and fewer computers sales means fewer jobs for software engineers, and no I don’t think so.

Ah yes, good old supply and demand. This doesn’t exist yet, but the demand does. We need faster, more flexible and variable hardware and operating systems that can keep up.

Software on top is icing once you have those and security will at least take a lot longer to unravel! Viruses? I don’t know, that’s what Cyber Security is for. Well one thing.

Sure yes, Adobe would be annoyed. But they’re not (As far as I have read) being… oh wait PDF and acrobat is under fire. Never mind. We need this folks. Like I need my cat. (Just a plug for the picture really). Yes, I am in a loopy, loopy mood and thus circuits are a stop and go mess in my head. (Sorry it was there). In short software would need ground up new structure. This would have to move in the background then annoy Hollywood once Adobe does decide to run on something new. Meanwhile rest of us could enjoy some damn peace of mind!

Or make a lot of people lose sleep thinking about how to do it, which is better than losing sleep over keeping out criminals!

There are a lot of philosophies about healing from abuse. Step one always being get the fuck out of the abusive situation. Easier said than done I know, but also easier said than known to be done.

Here’s what no one fucking told me ever. If someone is abusive get out, get out always, and if they’re family have a relationship from a distance. Abusive people are not going to stop being abusive to you not matter how much you love them. How much couples therapy you drag them to. No matter what you do to appease and care for them they are not going to stop while they have you.

Fucking get out.

Do not breed with them

Do not begin an abusive cycle where they can pass on their shitty behavior to an offspring by being shitty to them.

Let abusive fucks die out. Okay?

Not an option? It’s your parent or their other qualities as so overwhelmingly positive you’re willing to laugh at bad behavior? Well in the latter they had better not dent your sense of Humour but chances are likely they will.

We’re talking abuse here. No just bad behavior. Bad habits, negative argument tactics, lashing out, grumping about are all things therapy and/or medication can take care of. I’m talking about using you up. But here’s the key; no one in life gets a cookie for having a worse lot and no one in life gets to tell you what you should or should not put up with.

Abuse is a problem when it crushes you. It will always crush you. Anything else is assholery. But the latter becomes a huge problem when you have a history of the former weighing upon you and no one – particularly not a spouse – gets to tell you that you’re being “too sensitive”. Fuck that. Try rubbing your skin with a Brillo pad then adding hot sauce to that. Different kinds of irritant way worse in the latter if you are more than a little raw.

Should you try to heal your skin first? Of course. But we don’t ever get over being abused we move on. What you need is to break the cycle. Abused people get into other abusive relationships because they were groomed into it or because the pattern is familiar maybe even exciting. Few love like an abusive ass who wants to make up for it. There are some that do – for sure there are some. And they usually end up in abusive relationships too.

Abusive assholes find non-abusive people to bully. And then think they are in the right. Get the hell out, away, apart. Start with a weekend to cool your head. It may take several shots and if it’s violent, run fucking far.

Abusive dicks do it for a sense of power and control, they do not like losing their chew toy. If being solicitous doesn’t work more abuse is headed your way because they can’t fucking let go till you’ve changed your number or put there nose so throughly out of joint (figuratively speaking of course) that they see losing you as a good thing.

I certainly advocate two people from bad relationships getting into good ones afterwards if they’re going to try again. But it’s likely therapy would be involved in between. And I advocate two (or more) people getting into relationships who haven’t developed all the hang ups and baggage abused people do. But fuck judging another for carrying weight with them. Once abused they need it to avoid getting abused again.

Let me make this unusually clear. Helpful, kind, sweet people are a magnet for abusive assholes. Please keep being helpful, kind and sweet. But learn the warning signs. Read up on the flags and listen to that instinct that something is wrong.

The big warning signs?

Is the word “No” an issue? Yes? Run.

Are they extra critical of your social network and try to separate you? Escape now.

Did they make you cry the first week you met them? Yes? For gods sake don’t let there be a second.

Do you have a pit of nerves that feels like trusting this person is just not what you want to do? For fucks sake you are not just overly anxious don’t and don’t get involved. Even if it was just you get some therapy first because you’ll make the other one miserable.

Now, do I have trust issues? Of course I do. But here’s the difference never, not once, don’t ever test another person. If you struggle to trust just let things take extra time and go through a few more ups and downs together before you do. No prodding, poking, or policing. Relationships can and should be better than that.

Have good boundaries. Date people who respect those boundaries is a shorter simpler way to put that.

Say you have no choice, the asshole is a parent. You have some healing to do and therapy isn’t enough. You need a new mindset before you can walk away and fuck this time heals everything because it doesn’t sometimes the more a wound, emotional or otherwise, is left to fester the worse it gets when it can’t be ignored anymore.

How bad are we talking? Well from miss bottle it up I’d say a suicide attempt is up there on the plausible list from those who don’t handle pain well. So I’m one to talk.

Don’t try to confront or get closure with the other person. It doesn’t work. If they’ve done a few particularly awful acts it can help to know just what the fuck they were thinking but that has limits.

My father kicked me out and took the key and told mother he thought I’d get violent. What the actual fuck? Where the hell did he get that idea? No never mind that’s a rabbit hole of fuckery and I’m done before I start. It’s too late now.

He had his reasons and he fucked up my life because of them. I don’t trust that he told mother the truth and never will because he’s the kind of asshole to kick someone out. And even if it were just fear taking the keys is a little fucking malicious unless you think I’m sneaking back to kill you in your sleep and in that situation again, what the actual fuck? No never mind it’s going to be stupid and just piss me off.

That’s what you’re looking at when seeking “closure” the reasoning is never going to be true/accurate/reasonable and we want one. We do do. We so badly do. But “broken by their parents” is really all there is too it when you get to the bottom of the “why would you believe that” barrel.

If it’s just general abuse without an “ending act”? Still get out. And still don’t try to seek closure from them. The best you end up more upset or even in a long discussion that does no good, the worst you get sucked back in.

So what now? If time leaves things to fester and closure is a stupid concept by someone who hasn’t been abused but might have been “mistreated” what can you do to heal and maybe stop the cycle of abuse because sometimes abused people become abusive themselves.

First, yes it does indeed involve some time after you’ve gotten some distance. Then what you need is what I call a philosophy of grief. Because what else is the wounding of abuse than the grief of what could have been or even what should be? You know you deserve better, or even if you don’t, you know you want better. And you plain didn’t get it. And aren’t going to get it from them. That deep rooted sadness is more than death. It’s living on scarred – sometimes physically. That’s in some ways harder.

I used to think nothing was wasted in a writers life but if the bullshit keeps you from writing that’s certainly not true and what if you’re not a writer. A better philosophy is in order. How to cope with the suffering another heaped on you.

How do you cope with suffering at all?

One thing is true about eastern philosophy life inherently has suffering – from the times a hunt failed to the house hunt from hell, survival or comfort we do not lead happy glowy lives with nothing bad ever happening. And it benefits no one to prevent otherwise. What we need to do is cope with it.

Do we journal, talk to the wind, talk to a therapist, talk to friends or family? All of them? What do we do? Actually yes, all of them. Or as many as we have options to. We help others. We pet a cat. We care for our bodies and trim unwanted hair. A lot of us get a hair cut. We change. Remember my saying when hope dies change and there’s not greater grief in the world than losing hope.

Reframing the past helps it you can put it in positive terms. That’s true. But it can bog you down in details. Changing something, anything, everything will get hope going again. But do not change gods. Just because another person or animal has heaped injuries on you (looking at you flies who commit fly-strike) doesn’t mean your god isn’t listening. It’s a sign people or potentially insects got there first.

What if you have no god?  You’re an atheist or agnostic and taking a break from the concept of spirituality entirely? What then? Does change really bring back hope?

No. Positive change does. But sometimes it’s a rough fucking road to that positive change. And meanwhile we’re fucking miserable, and wallowing in the misery of the past. Then when we start to get better we grieve over what we need to do/missed doing while we were under. Getting better sometimes doesn’t seem desirable either without a cradle of some kind.

Does it help to know why abuse exists? Maybe. But the answers are unsatisfactory. Is it territory? Why do we want power and control? To be less anxious is that really all it is? To make people actually help us? Is that why we want wealth? What’s the point of sitting on a few billion dollars unless we don’t understand the numbers because it’s not in bars of gold? What’s the point of sitting on Fort Knox without spending it on the poor? Conservative should mean conserving culture and values not money. Is abuse about money? Usually actually. Even when you don’t have any.

Abuse is in the lizard brain. It says for you to have more I must have less. Three berries to me instead of five and I’ll hit you over the head till I. have five.. It does not account for a society that could have equal access to basic needs if we were more cooperative. It’s in the animal instinct to fight over food and even then we see cats give to others before taking for themselves. But in general there are a few shared attitudes.

This happened to me and I turned out okay.

Did you really? I mean do you like that about you? I’m willing to bet not. And just because your dad did it isn’t a good enough reason for you to either. This isn’t the foolish jump off a bridge analogy – though I have a comment on that. It’s that behaving in the same way as your parents without examining the harm it does is not responsible or even reasonable if you want love in life.

Which brings us back to what’s the point of all of this?

Money doesn’t buy happiness but it sure as fuck helps. But without love in our life that happiness is meaningless. Compassion is important but we wouldn’t be so love crazed if it wasn’t a fundamental need emotionally. For gods too by the way.

So what gives? What is abuse really? A fight over imaginary resources?  A fight over emotional resources? Actually in the case of the latter, yes.

We’ve evolved past the point of needing to hit someone over the head to get berries. But while most people will argue abuse it about power and control, usually not having some, it doesn’t explain those at the top unless they’re suffering massive imposter syndrome and no amount of power and control will make them feel like they actually have that.

A separate situation for a separate book.

But power and control is at the root a fight over resources including the all important attention. Abusive assholes want your attention, want it right now, want you to do everything they say,  and sure as fuck don’t seem to care that you have different wants, needs, and plans. They might when they’re not lashing out. But when they are it is because somewhere in their life they’re not getting the resources they need. Emotionally counts for that too.

Okay fine but there are nice unloved people.

Are there? Or are they loved by someone or at least a god?

Which brings us to the interesting idea if grief is the root of all suffering – which it is – what love is this we don’t have – a dearly fucking need as much as water?

What the fuck is love?

We all know it when we feel it isn’t helpful to those with a cold life. But I will bet you anything abusive people come from cold backgrounds. Some feel love as forgiveness, and some throw tantrums when they don’t get what they want because that’s love as far as they are concerned. It depends if their cycle has a honeymoon phase of trying to lure you back in.

Remember

We all feel justified.

Even if that reason isn’t fair.

Fair and just being two separate concepts.

That’s the bottom row of all the things we do. With context everything is reasonable and has logic to it even if it’s emotional logic or the weight of ones personal history.

And

We all want love.

That’s why we seek each other out and if not each other a god to please talk to. We need love. Jesus is a popular concept because no matter how deeply we fuck up he loves us. That means the light of the trinity is on us for those who believe in that form of love.

So if you are recovering from abuse what do you do? You seek love. And quite often end up in the same because abusers pray on those who need their attention and don’t take well to you getting better.

If grief is love with nowhere to go, and grief is the root of all suffering it seems clear, almost mathematically so, that healing from grief requires giving and receiving love.

This is why the suffering find god.

If you’re not inclined to and not in a position to make friends to pour your heart into, find something to contribute to society. Find someone to love even if it’s the safety net of the fucking NSA. Love someone and treat them with love and kindness.

If you are spiritually inclined, congratulations spirits thrive on being loved. On the energy of love. On prayer or just being talked to. If you need formality you can find it here. But if you need more structure than this book there are no arms more welcoming than Orthodox Christianity and Islam. They have some outdated rules. But the structure for being with and communicating with god really firmly exists in those two. As are rules and guidance for loving one another.

The more you offer love the deeper the well of offering gets, the better society, the better you feel. Receiving can be difficult if you are isolated and only have spirits to love you back – provided you believe enough to sense them. And woh if you live in an environment hostile to you. Then change where you are.

What if you are an abusive asshole? Get therapy my friend, you don’t have to stay that way. But don’t drag others into your bullshit till you’ve sorted your shit out and don’t have it anymore. Find another way to “feed”. Try giving instead of taking.

Now here’s where things get complicated. If you have a history of being taken from you might become the kind of person who takes too. Please don’t. Because that’s not healthy. But those taken from develop anger and grief and become abusive or loving. Those are the two paths. Take the latter.

Choose love.

I put this as its own topic because feeling betrayed is its own unique form of grief. It’s not just the loss of a loved one that stabbed in the back feeling doesn’t have the same answer. Grief sure. I buy the idea it’s love with nowhere to go. But I felt what happened to me as grief and it was more than that. It was betrayal.

The emotionas of Betrayal are grief and anger swirling together in a pit of sorrow. There’s no resolution to be had that will ever satisfy you. No apology great enough to reestablish trust. If you’re going to sleep with someone else you had better open the marriage first.

You can try. Therapy together might rebuild. You might reconnect. But a broken promise is not easily recovered from. It can be. It certainly can. But not easily. And for some the answer to when? Is never.

Most betrayal is straight forward, cheating. There are millions of books on coping with cheating sexually or romantically (Or both). I don’t have enough experience there and Iris just shakes her head and says “As least he’s probably not Zeus”. Yes turning into swans and raping women does seem like we don’t all have Hera’s level of problems.

What I do understand is the broken promise of safety. I wasn’t supposed to ever be homeless. I was supposed to be the fae at the bottom of the garden not the ogre under the house. But perception of me changed and I was kicked out. I wasn’t different. My father’s view of me was.

Since then my mother has made an effort to bridge the gap and my father hasn’t been unwelcoming. But it took a suicide attempt before I felt like they were back in my life. And it didn’t change how hurt I was. It was no longer about trust, my safety net had to be the government not my parents. But as a result the daughter of a wealthy Stanford professor was homeless for close to a year. April 2024 to January 2025, hotels cars, a hospital and a shelter later I’m in the poorhouse with other women who have had to tough it out for some reason and thus have developed calluses over their hearts. Not all. Just most.

Where does all the pain go even when you’ve reconciled? How does this flavor of sorrow get reframed into something good? Is the answer really it doesn’t? Yes? Then what the hell. All the understanding of why in the universe is never going to fix last year. I just need time to put a wedge between how that feels and how I want to feel now.

Are feelings a choice? Some pop psychologists will say yes. You have a thought and that dovetails into a feeling. Change your thoughts and you change your feelings. Okay sure but feelings dictate thoughts and a happy place that you don’t actually go to isn’t the best concept either.

Breaking the cycle with what you think about helps you avoid killing yourself but it does nothing to address the feeling. And what is there to talk about? You know what happened. It would be good for a good cry but that’s not always possible either.

Okay we have gods and magic again, rites and rituals, joining others, going out. Church or clubs. Dress up and go dancing. Move on. Time etc. all the regular coping skills we’re told over again that we need. Wishlist shop. If you have the money shoe shop on amazon. Spend time picking out charities to donate to. Sort the too sort box if you have the concentration and actually do have a place for everything.

Okay well and good but in between the spaces there is pain so don’t add meditation to that list okay. And help me fucking reframe the grief, pain, and anger that comes out of being betrayed. I know why I feel this way. This one’s obvious. But knowing that it’s a social instinct dating back centuries, with biology built in, doesn’t make my trust any less dented.

I’m sorry I can’t. Trust is that valuable. And these days we waste it. All I can do is give you the regular paragraph on coping and hope with time it hurts less. You will have trust issues. And that’s reasonable. So at least feel comforted it’s logical to squint your eyes at new people but unfair to reveal you are doing so. Don’t prod and poke with testing trust. Just let time unfurl and life events make it clear you can. Everyone needs time these days.

The first and last sentence of that paragraph being related.

It’s okay to have trust issues now is the short way. No shadow work involved.

You feel dark and miserable but the ways to cope with the components will help.

Just no casting on exes okay?

All these woes create a force within us. Sorrow. It will drag us under if left unchecked and can eventually kill us. Though depression is a different beast I’m not addressing here. It requires medication and therapy and a little delving into why but a lot more delving into what you can do about your reaction to your history. It’s a long road and there are others who have gone deeper.

Standard psychology has a line from thought to pain. While mine says pain dictates the thoughts and then that begets more pain. But what are we really dealing with? Why does life hurt so much?

We come from a warring animal past and have evolved into complicated creatures that hurt each other sometimes on purpose but usually just by being highly inconsiderate. But the kind of emotional pain we cause in each other is real intended or not. And that’s part of the problem. The triggers don’t have to be recognized for the sorrow to be real. It just makes it worse when we’re dismissed because what happened was unlikely.

Please let me say this a different way. It doesn’t matter if no one believes you, it matters that you are hurting. Of course if you are the wild woman with leaves in her hair and a warning you can go mad with frustration that no one listens.

But it doesn’t make your pain less real.

We want understanding, we want to be believed, we want our suffering to be recognized as reasonable. But some of what we go through is better kept to ourselves and therapists.

Here I will simply say sorrow forms as a cradle beneath all our other troubles and haunts the eyes. It creates an aura and adds suffocating gray to your magic.

Nothing will work right while you are cupped by sorrow.

You can be unhappy. Most of us who perform magic or participate in rituals want some form of resolution for something we are dissatisfied by. But that’s different than sorrow. Being unhappy with an element or your life isn’t a great well or ocean beneath you but you know it when you experience it.

Rituals are tainted by pain but they can sometimes help. And I’m not talking your favorite pot of tea here – though it will help. But daily prayer or casting to improve circumstances will give you a lifeline up out of the water. But you do need somewhere for that force to go. So you need to transform it.

Does exercise help? Of course it does but no one floating on an ocean of pain wants to put on walking shoes. Getting to the point of getting going takes too much sometimes. I mean we can start with stretching in our bed but coming from sleeping all day anything seems like more than we can handle.

We need a perspective change. A new way of hearing the world around us. A way of viewing what put us in deep waters. And that’s not easy to find. This is where we look for the whole personal meaning crap no one wants to hear. But if you won’t pray, perform rituals, or exercise reframing your experience is what you have left. Find a way to work and channel your pain. Go be social. Distract yourself.

Personally after my own attempt on my life, it was going to be a long road after just sleeping it off. Sure I could begin moving my body in small ways. But after that then what? Make holiday plans? Write books? Perform ceremonies? Pray to my gods? Write books?  Sure yeah that was actually the answer and I could see it looking from the bottom up. But just thinking of all that made me want to take a nap again.

What the fuck was the point. Communicating my perspective didn’t seem like something I even wanted anymore. Make a living. Get out of the poor house. Well yes, there was that. Paying my way into nicer digs did seem like something I’d want to do.

What was the point of this book? Because my first life was, “what does it mean to be human?” And my second was, ‘what the fuck to do about that?’ Well actually yes. If there was a way to help others. If my philosophies and knowledge of ritual and magic could be useful I could add that I suppose.

Then I’d need to stick around to promote it. Answer questions. Be available to support others. But long after I’d figured out how to go from sleeping all day to stepping on that ladder out.

Get dressed every day, clean your body. Start there. Was Iris’ answer. So a goddess has spoken. But my perspective was significantly boosted by a boost in anti-depressant and my ability to feel emotions again. Don’t be afraid to medicate your mood. I went back to loving everyone and everything and some people more than others. Chatting with my guiding stars helped too.

I have a series of questions asked of me, what is evil the force, why does it exist, how could God “let” this happen, what do I do if I lose faith? I intend to answer those next but this one is early as pressure to understand each other is in place.

I forgave the gaslighter tipping me over the edge and consoled that those hired to keep me awake were not exactly doing good but they themselves weren’t evil. But this has lead to the understandable question, “No. Is Gaslighting on its own evil?”

Gaslighting is rarely alone. It’s usually used to disguise an act that is evil. Reality abuse out of malice and desire to harm is evil. And harming another enough to drive them to the hospital invites evil.

What’s the difference?

Wording and Intent.

If the goal is to make them maddened I need something less than evil to describe a wrong that draws asmodeus to you. It’s not the same as chanting, “Kill yourself”. Which is an act of evil and will stain your soul but you can still turn to god and turn to good.

There are limits. Usually no one wants to kill another and maddening them is severely wrong. And can indeed lead to suicide but no one believed me till CPR kept me from the morgue.

If you beat someone up the act is not good. You might have an understandable, natural reason. You are not necessarily drawing upon an intelligent, negative, malevolent force to do so. But you are feeding it.

I’m sorry, I know you want a cookie cutter is this act always evil and is this act only, “Not Good.” But motive and circumstances change the difference between them. The victim doesn’t usually care why. It’s all evil as far as they are concerned, but just to another – usually the one conned into succumbing to bitterness and anger to do something about it.

Gaslighting feeds evil, it’s an evil idea, it taints your soul, it can make you do worse and worse to achieve objectives. But we now need more complexity in our lives which is why these posts exist. To provide a framework that you can use to navigate your way through and maybe point you in the direction to the faiths of God.

I’m not willing to say my gaslighters were evil when most stopped if they learnt I was already suicidal. Or had already had an attempt. Some looked into the idea their past had been inglorious and if believed by authorities would be facing manslaughter. Of course it’s wrong. And it can be evil. But having seen hearts turned by the truth, I see many just didn’t really think this idea through.

What is the difference between an evil act and one that feeds evil? Murder vs Manslaughter. If you premeditated to become a force of destruction then yes, what you are doing is evil. If you honestly believed anyone would for a price, and a good price does indeed fetch bad behavior, choosing to do so invites that vile force over for tea with manslaughter.

I will later go into specific always evil acts with malicious intent. And if following orders of a malevolent person you are assisting evil. But we’re back to “being”, “inviting”, and adding “assisting”. That’s the complexity that is a case by case basis. No blanket rules. But chances are if you’re wondering if what you do is evil? You should stop. Pray for cleansing and make amends to God.

The being that is gaslighting you is not evil, but he is assisting it and inviting more into you both. If that clears it us for you? The act itself is just a tool. Words can be weapons and very dangerous. But I’ve fired back filth under pressure, and I’m not willing to pass judgement on another who feels pressured at all times by other circumstances.

Why won’t I paint it all the same? Because the term covers a broader spectrum of behavior, some evil some not, it’s not specific enough as it covers harassment to egging another to suicidal feelings. That is entirely different.

But friends once depressed enough to be suicidal they can be again so be careful with harassment too in case it tips them closer. They are supposed to believe they are hearing things. Not actually being driven to kill themselves. “Go to the hospital” is supposed to be about voices not death. But it can lead to the latter. Manslaughter.

“Gaslight her to death” Is evil. “Keep her awake till she needs the hospital for some sleep” is very fucking wrong and asmodues does feed from it. It’s taking you to purgatory or a negative next life. But I’m not willing to put harassment and murder in the same basket. I’m just not.

Most refined forms of gaslighting are a tool of evil. But on its own really it’s an idea, strategy, framework. You’re wielding something made by a demonic force invading a malevolent individual. It’s far from good. It will stain you. But it’s still just an idea and there’s a reason I make that distinction.

Power. Stop giving the idea power. Take it away. Take it down. You don’t have to keep doing it. But it’s not concentration camp evil. That’s my scale. Most people agree true nazisim is of evil. But it’s a different fucking level. Why so extreme? If I have nothing in the distance as a pure weapon of asmodues vs a corrupted soul? Then the whole “change your circumstances and you can change everything” encouragement falls apart.

Perhaps I should say Gaslighting is morally corrupt. It’s wrong. It will hurt you both. But I’m not willing to turn away those that stop tormenting another and at least listen to why they’re doing so in the first place.

I will always hold a hand out. You can bite it or take it but it’s there.

We are told the ultimate goal of Buddhism is to reach Nirvana. A place of perfection and nothingness that only a Buddha returns from – choosing to return to earth to get others there.

To be recognized many Tibetan Llamas – reincarnated Buddhas – need items to hold and touch, waking them to who they were. But the instinct for peace and to help is there without them.

For most of us to imagine or contemplate nothingness is impossible. How do you describe the orgasmic feeling of full release? Giving up entirely and floating out, separating, becoming one with the night sky? You reach Nirvana and see stars shimmering at you, maybe even god himself. And though he has no face you can feel him smiling. Your soul spreads out, joins, becomes part of a union of god and everything with you as an individual becoming nothing. It’s like you finally found a place you belong. No location necessary, Heaven is everywhere.

It is not the crowded zero-gravity space that most people envision. No oxygen and being suffocated out. It is a single breath of god. Stardust is really where our souls belong.

The other heavens are private, with doors of healing closed though I plan to describe the experience of walking up towards Al-Sama-Al-Danya. The first heaven where you go if you have been good but your soul is injured. Most suicide victims end up there. Wounded to their core that they give up on life they must ascend through the joys of those realms till they are ready to let go.

It’s a handy name for the place we all see stairs to.

Together they are what I experienced when I tried to end my life. The first a glimpse of where I could go. Where I could be. If I tried again and this time did not end it on my own. They revived my body and my soul re-entered my body. I tried leaving one more time I suppose and saw the steps.

How do I describe three years of ever-building torment. Eight attempts to kill me through extended harassment, reality abuse and gaslighting with the smattering of torture for good measure. Four attempts to use a 24 hour period of the same with an increase in the shifting, sliding, gliding tales woven by my killer. Reality Abuse creates a narrative, gaslighting changes it. And after prolonged abuse the ability to keep track fades and you don’t know who you are talking to anymore. Who is talking about you. Who believes what or even who is alive.

Everyone is named Ryan, or Jason, or Ranna or Claire, Melody and Claudia. Maybe even Nigel. And the narrative is drawn out longer and longer until haha just kidding, actually… you think the police must know. You think the FBI have to be involved. Maybe even homeland security. This is torment. This is a house dropped on you, maybe even a city. But nothing stops the relentless abuse of the petulant bitch who wants to drive you to suicide but hides behind the words “Oh I only want to make you suicidal, not kill you.”

How fucking stupid do you think I am or are you yourself that dim witted that you do not know it a straight shot? Gaslighters drive many to hospitals, that’s the goal. It is not the same as an individual using military grade technology to invade your everything even your bathroom.

I said, and I did not lie, I would give – to a computer owned by DARPA my entire body of work and all my pictures to create an AI I dubbed “Grandmother”. I was so happy. It seems like madness, “Haha stupid bitch you believe that?” What other explanation do I have for all the abuse levied at me? Terrorist School? Or a fucking childish game no one believes is real but means my cat is constantly on the threat of being kidnapped?

No one listens because you’ve lost your mind too many times, lost your way, lost track of reality. But who could hold on to normal things like writing a book, maybe even selling it. Going out for the holidays. Learning a language. Doing belly isolations at 5:00am when you want to. Who could keep track of the real world when some cunt stole your passport, your birth certificate, your divorce papers, and no one, not once ever followed up a single objectively real complaint. Indeed most people think you have a split personality if they think at all.

So frankly Fuck you to everyone. You are either blind and ignorant or a sack of lies and disinterest. Because otherwise this would all be over. No I’m no angel right? You can’t be an angel and be experience anger, sorrow, suffering, and betrayal. Nothing is understandable if it’s not convenient to your worldview. And you want a demon in me so you feel better ignoring what has happened. Fuck you again.

I want to go home. Home to Nirvana.

But no. I’m here being torn to shreds, no wound not burrowed into, and when I heal and scab new ones are created. I rise ever again feeling like if I were made of emotion I would be covered in my own blood she digs she wounds she torments so.

“Please be patient. Please live.” How do I even know those who actually care? Or are just a way to build me up so the shit-filled-garbage bag that is my attacker can go again because it’s no longer fun if I actually die.

Look at my description of where I went and what you dragged me back into. It’s not over till I try again. But no, on a good day I promised Allah I would stay. On a bad day shit in my room moved around with angry energy and pissed off ghosts joining in.

I’m here to help you get to that perfect place I described so shape the fuck up. Because even my blog is being stolen, my words changed and edited. Nothing sacred if written by me. Not even a prayer.

I will not last and next time I try I will succeed if this does not stop.

I read somewhere that grief is love with nowhere to go. I’ve thought about that a lot lately. Is that the true crux. You love someone and they’re just not there anymore either because they walked out of your life they walked out of life permanently?

It’s an issue I struggle with. People aren’t really ever gone in my heart so how do I cope with this feeling of emptiness when I want to pick up the phone and can’t? Hold on to those I have? What about something more simple to describe?

The loss of a pet?

Some of us can’t really ever wrap around lost life. Small is almost easier to understand. There are a few standard feelings. Anger at God, guilt over those times you weren’t perfect, sorrow that you miss the warmth and cuddling of the person or pet your heart is breaking for.

There are other forms. Moving strikes me as a form of grief. Particularly not if you didn’t pick the time or place to pick up sticks. We move as kids and sometimes out of necessity and grieve where we were. And it can make us fail to appreciate where we are.

Whether you’ve lost a loved one, a loved pet, or a loved home the empty cold misery of grief clings on if you can’t involve yourself in a new home. And it may prevent you from being with someone else and you may not want to be.

I always have a cat but this time losing Tabitha could make me lose my life. She’s saved mine enough times. I can’t be without her till she’s about nineteen and had a good run. I”m hoping that in fifteen years my life is significantly different enough to survive.

I’ve almost called her Kaeli or Cybelle. And I’ve noted she sometimes sounds like Ian. And she can be as surly as Sebastian. She’s the uber cat. I can’t face life alone frankly. And that’s my pet. That’s my shortcut reason for sticking around because she loves me and may understand but would be super pissed.

Do I miss my ex spouse? With the way he treated me no. But I miss the life we had together. I miss the extended family. I miss a regular sex life. As it was before marriage. And I miss my woods when I lived in Redwood City. I miss getting up in the morning and making him sandwiches. But I don’t miss eating the not quite ripe pear core he would have tossed out the window if I didn’t say I wanted it. But I held on as long as possible. Tried everything I could. No regrets could be allowed because I already regretted too much about my life. So no. I don’t miss him. I miss there being someone. Which is different.

The grief from divorce was overtaken by grief of my entire identity. I became swarmed by loss and confusion until I gave up. We are relationship oriented creatures and conflicting stories of who someone is, how they know me, and what happened to them about drove me insane on top of gaslighting via missing, or changed objects, harassment to move and familiar filters with a different explanation every five minutes. No one really understands how that can lead to suicide. But it does.

Gaslighting kills.

My grief there is not that I couldn’t hold on, I lasted longer than should humanly be possible and I did end up just giving up. But it took years and several attempts on my life – I.E. lots of times gaslighters tried to drive me to the hospital and the way I was going was if I was going to die. No one listened what they were doing was fatal and they weren’t going to till it was. The fact I came back to life might have been inconvenient. At least for me.

Depression is the next umbrella for that level of destruction. And it was sure to take several years to solidify who I am now.

I’m more than Melissa Devlin I’m Sylvanna Devlin.

I would argue grief is not just love with no where to go but the need to rewrite part of your identity. I am the woman with the real, original, temperamental Tabitha. I’m the woman who can make a hospital emergency room shake. But I’m also the lovable ball of cuddles currently not getting enough of them! I’m still a writer by some miracle. But hacked and wrapped in cotton wool – as I may have needed – I have opinions from strangers to contend with and no ability to determine what or why.

It’s all very strange.

How do I reform this time? How does anyone when they miss their life with that loved one in it. Or they miss loving someone who tuned out to be toxic. Do I really just have the same advice? Distract yourself, redecorate, plunge your grief into work? I suppose so. Because the only thing to heal any wound is time and sometimes there will always be a scar feint though it is.

Though this section is in part exploring and sitting with your inner shadows to gain control over them, these ones you need another present for if you are going to do that. Otherwise become a moving target for your pain until there’s less of it.

Let’s be clear. Anger can sometimes be a reasonable response. Being wronged pisses us off and it alerts the fight side of fight, flight, or freeze. Though for some of us it’s a quick dovetail into the second two because we plain don’t want to fucking fight anymore. But when it comes to pure animal instinct the urge to go to war is actually one of them.

We can be better. But we have to want to be.

You may not struggle with anger the same way you see in another. Those of us with a long history of deep wounds are likely to be capable of more ire than anyone whose life was slightly more straightforward. The “hey that hurts, fuck you” response is very, very natural.

So is cancer however.

In today’s society the general sentiment is to find an outlet for your anger but then follow up with “Keep a journal.” Yeah fuck you. That’s not enough. Sorry there’s only one other place that kind of passion can go and that’s exercise. Walk it off.

A squeeze ball seems to be good for “stress relief” but really what is stress other than the desire to thwack someone hard until they make things easier. Okay, just me. No? You’re willing to admit that when stress hits it’s because someone or something is pissing you off? Good first step. Being pissed makes you stressed.

Sure anxiety is stress inducing too. But I’ll be surprised when the kind of relentless worry induced by anxiety is remotely helped by a good hard kick to a punching bag.

Anger is energetic. It’s another system that your brain flags and floods when it comes to stress hormones. That does have to go somewhere and for some of us that’s in our bodies and we are the most tense individuals you could imagine even if we seemed laid back.

It’s not like you can usually get away with saying the first or even second thing that comes to mind. It’s usually spiteful and mean and not what will cool the situation at all. Some people do lash out and their targets are supremely hurt by it. Particularly if they didn’t even know they were pissing you off.

Oh how it does no good to have no signs except a faster heart rate.

And woah if you have no safe place to walk it off.

What can you do? I mean mediation doesn’t seem plausible and casting is probably a bad idea. But energy work isn’t. Focus, channel, drop it in a rock. Drop it in several rocks. Dump that negative chi

If you are in a situation wherein you are having to do this a lot? Get out of that situation. Leave. When someone makes you so mad you feel dangerous? Does it really matter whose fucking fault it is? Get the fuck out that guy’s an ass.

Now my previous book, game over, goes into reactive abuse.  Someone deliberately needles, wheedles, pokes and prods at sore spots ad nauseam till they get the reaction they want and oh boy will that eventually lead to the hospital for someone. Usually the victim who in this case would like the angry spots left alone. Barbs and boundary crossing will eventually undo any attempt to secure one’s temper I promise you.

I go into the difference between being an angry asshole who is only an angry asshole because of the victim. Ah. No. You’re just an asshole. And someone bottling anger who keeps it under control until pushed and pushed.

Honey. We’re all going to get angry if pushed. If you can’t tell the difference you might actually be a victim. Or you’re using it as an excuse. Do you feel bad either way. Of course you do. But if you keep your fuse coiled on the floor and someone burns that up it is most definitely them.

If you get pissed off and need to be left alone and they won’t? It can get dangerous. Fucking escape.

Ultimately though it doesn’t matter who is responsible. If someone regularly makes you so angry you lash out you should avoid that person if at all possible.

But please for gods sake don’t lash out.

Say you can’t, or it’s a loved one you are otherwise attached to, or it’s your entire building and you need somewhere to live. Or today the whole world done fucked up, as far as you’re concerned. What do you do sans punching bag and does the punching bag really help?

I don’t know I just imagine kicking one so hard I knock it off but I haven’t actually had the opportunity. Screaming is bad. Trust me your neighbors mind. And it hurts your throat and you’re likely to feel bad about it later.  Going into the fae realm or the middle of the woods is an option. But there was a time I felt like I had a hurricane running through me and it turned inwards painfully so.

No energy work in the world was going to relieve four years of my ex husband.

And the woods weren’t an option either.

Well in my case I let it build till I summoned the howling winds to stop my attackers and it worked for about a day. Then I stuffed it down with all my other emotions till all the negative ones and abuse cumulated in a suicide attempt and I’ve been significantly less pissed off since.

Maybe you don’t need to let this shit get that far.

So what now? What happens when you get irate now other than take a breather? Surely like all the rest you need a mindset to cope and there isn’t a band-aide for all situations. I mean sure realizing it’s energetic helps. Just like it helps with anxiety but green misery from anxiety is a different than red hot fiery fury.

Honestly your option is exercise but it doesn’t have to be marathon running and you might not even be able to get out of bed. But working on your core will help the other limbs when you can get going but I’m advocating chair bellydancing over core sit-ups.

Do I do that? No I roll over and take a nap and hope I feel better when I wake up. But taking chair belly dancing would be better.

If sitting up isn’t an option, walking it off is far from view, can you do leg exercises? Lift and hold your legs for a few minutes? That kills your back? Even with a cushion under your bum? Okay my dear only one thing left.

Fucking rant. Rant, and rant and rant to the wind. Don’t stop grumbling in a room by yourself till you are tired enough for a nap. Tell god you’re mad at him. What else are gods for? Well a lot of things. But one of them is to listen to us fucking complain.

If you can journal? Great skip everything else.  But start with moving your body, then talking it out then settling down to scribble some pissed off phrases.

Because writing while pissed will only hurt your hands and if you do it on a computer you might send it.

Just don’t feel guilty for how pissed off you are. Sure examine why. And if you’ve been pissy lately do something about it. But don’t feel bad to a human response to being hurt or otherwise attacked. Hitting with words is going to piss you off too and you need emotional tai chi. But don’t snap back. Push back. Tell them no. Tell them to stop. But only in the event do you need to duel do you use words as weapons. Please remember that. Because tongues cast spells even when we don’t plan on it.

Just be aware some asses think you ranting is how “you really feel” and will react accordingly. It’s not. Fair. And it can be really problematic if you say “OMG I’m going to kill her!” And you’re overheard and taken seriously. So indeed be careful you do indeed have privacy before swearing to gods. Because there are some stupid smart people out there and they will take you literally.

Being pissed isn’t the same as threatening a person to their face but some people take it as such so be careful till you know for sure they’re not going to get out of joint because you are. If at all possible blow that joint before your joints need healing. There wordplay over. Don’t get even. Get mad and let it go.

Ah yes I suppose I should mention the desire for vengeance. I used to have a streak a mile long that I never did anything with but imagined giving into repeatedly. No one pisses me off that much anymore. Nothing does. But nearly dying will do that so I have an advantage there. If you dream of making another suffer it’s natural but not healthy. And here’s what I know about that. It will lead to evil infecting you.

Vengeance doesn’t actually feel good. You’re still going to be pissed off so you might  well not.

Let me repeat. Don’t get even. Get mad and let it go.

Who me? Did I do that? Yes you fucking did. And I would spend several pages saying if you did something own up to it even if it’s to the wind. You know when you’ve really done something wrong. Actually will hurt another wrong.

You do know. But I have a more important point.

Unfortunately some of us carry guilt with us our whole lives and some is undeserved or the wronged party is long since over caring.  But we still carry it with us. Or worse we’re inclined to feel guilty for doing things for ourselves asking for help, or receiving help when it’s offered.

Woah nelly that’s a lot to unpack. But you should. Most people who feel guilty for caring for themselves or being cared for are the kinds of people who care for others. But if they go down or are no longer in a position to be the helper they can’t make the switch easily.

People say individuals like me (as I’m one of those) are too independent. And I don’t know how that works, if independence out of guilt is really that independent. Most of us have to fend for ourselves when really we need others. Maybe we’re not used to help. Maybe we’re only used to asking for help from people we’re close to or professionals. But from what I can tell all of us would help a stranger cross a six lane highway like it’s the River Styx. As an example.

What the hell is wrong with us? Do we mind? No. It’s sometimes even cheering. Does it take extra energy? Sometimes but it’s ours to give. But givers don’t make good receivers. And when we do we feel bad for “bothering’ someone else.

That kind of guilt is very different from the wronged a person kind that some of us always carry. I crossed my best friend by accident and was excommunicated from an entire social circle after that. He really was a gossip and sharing my stories. He really was being treated badly. But I hurt him in a way there was no recovering from when I challenged him on it.

I still feel bad. I don’t think I was in the wrong but I don’t think what I did was right either. But we make mistakes. I miss him. I love him. There’s chemistry between us. But we haven’t talked in close to twenty years. Some people have that effect on us. Usually I have that effect on others.

If you deeply wronged, murder or something, I don’t know but guilt is the right thing to feel in those circumstances.

What can we do about feeling like we imposed on society? What survival mechanism is at work here? Why do I feel this way? Who made me feel bad for asking for help? No one? Then why do I?

What the hell is wrong with me?

It comes down to knowing limits. If we don’t know another’s we don’t know what to ask for. The word “No.” is terrifying. Worse is the idea we don’t get a “No.” when we really should. Have I asked for too much? Have I asked too often? With people you always go to for help you know they will do what they can. But caregiver fatigue is a thing and if you’re really down and out of it you need to balance who you ask and what for, and you might not be good at that.

Having your own strong boundaries is an important aspect to life but if you don’t know where another’s are that gets tricky. But we’re caregivers and by nature want to care for others who are giving.

When investigating our sadness within it’s important to address this guilt we feel for being helped. We don’t want to change our whole identities, but we do actually need a hand now and it’s not going to be from the ones we’ve been giving to usually, because they view us as a helper and we instinctively know they might get a little mad that we now want them to give back.

So others step in that we might not have helped and we don’t know why. I mean we would. Why would anyone else – other than it’s part of their identity to give. It’s part of who they are. It’s what they do.

Does it help, knowing that those offering you a hand view it as part of them? And that by accepting you are reinforcing who they are and that feels good? Of course it does. So when you’re peering at a dark hole in your navel with all the undeserved guilt for getting help you are not sure you deserve either? Just remember you are reinforcing someone’s reason to stick around every time you accept.

Okay but what about I crossed someone that one time kind? Keep it. Examine it. Recognize it. Feel it. If it’s overwhelming let time damp you down in time. But we should feel bad for hurting other people. It helps us avoid hurting more. So if you want a social survival reason for guilt it’s the thwack on the nose from god that we’re not doing our part. The problem is when we feel thwacked on the nose for no fucking good reason.

If you view it as a survival mechanism and there are givers and receivers and givers make bad receivers I suppose it makes sense. We’re upsetting the balance. And it can put you in tears. Those receivers who are used to givers think givers can “handle it on their own”. Because they always have. When they need help they feel their left to flounder, because those they can turn to always give but don’t get and that doesn’t seem fair now you are in the reverse position.

What we need is a new societal model that’s not so damn binary when people balance giving and receiving but I’m not fucking holding my breath that there won’t always be some people who only take. What I need to address is the valid feelings of those who always give.

Look we know what you’re afraid of becoming because there’s always someone with a perpetually open beak you don’t want to be like and chances are you don’t have good examples of someone who both gives and receives. And I can say try receiving gods love first. And sure it works for some. But for those left in the cold by that they need a new mental model. A new identity. And I bet thoughts are “Good luck with that.”

Well really you do need to adjust your self view to accept help without feeling bad about it. Just don’t become a maw of need and realize, be fully aware that those helping you want to help you or they wouldn’t be doing it. And those assholes you always help and make you feel bad if you ask for anything are fucking gaping maws and it’s them not you.

Or in other words, it takes practice, patience, and perseverance like anything else in life worth doing but you will make people happy when you ask for help so work on it. Think of is as a perverse way to give.

Okay yeah but I want time to myself or I’ve been told I should and I have hairy legs I mind and everyone else says they don’t.

Honey they need to let you take that time because otherwise one day there won’t be a you. If you feel guilty for wanting to make your own food choices, exercise habits, social interactions, take a long good look at who you are associating with. Time can be a hard thing to squeeze in and currently I have enough so I can’t tell you how to skim 15 minutes off cooking prep or something.

I can tell you taking care of yourself takes energy and sometimes you don’t have that either so you feel bad for not doing it but if someone else needs that energy you feel bad if you do.

Gods thwack remember. Most of this is learnt or built in to society but mostly because somehow we got the idea what we are doing is wrong. How do you reframe it as right? Give god a good talking to? Listen, if he’s your thing. Yes certainly. But otherwise keep in mind that one of the reasons you feel guilty is you know someone who doesn’t and should and they bother the fuck out of you.

Release them and release yourself.

Earmark time and energy for doing what you want to do. Others are going to complain but because your identity has always been to put on their face mask first and then collapse unconscious and still hear people say it’s your fault for not taking care of your own needs. Of course not you were taking care of everyone else!

You can’t put their mask on etc so forth you’ve heard it. What you have not heard is. This is your identity we are talking about. Changing that isn’t a light switch. “Oh you’re right”. But from someone who developed fibromyalgia,  seriously change that or your body will do it for you.

It’s slow and takes little things at once. Don’t announce to your family they need to fuck off for forty-eight hours. Steal time in fifteen minute increments, eke out a bit of energy for yourself, then slowly push that to more.

Chances are very fucking likely those that give to others are also bad at giving to themselves. What you have there is an identity crisis that can only be changed slowly but needs to before your body insists. You are not going to become that gaping maw you worry about. You don’t know who that will be. And I understand that’s scary. But it is better.

Why the fuck is this separate from worry? Oh you must not actually have to worry about anxiety if you don’t know that anxiety has no fucking logic to it. Because it’s a force within you not a certain aspect of life that you’ve become preoccupied with.

I mean certainly, some of our worries are going to create anxiety in us. Rather like a cup to catch water to use the same euphemism yet again. But anxiety is the stress, the fuss, the inability to stop even if you have faith and usually the need to be medicated into submission. If worry is a natural almost healthy tool for maintaining social health, anxiety is handing a doctor a chainsaw instead of a scalpel.

You cannot get anything done when anxiety has swallowed you whole. Not a fucking thing. It can make you snippy with loved ones. It can even change your perception of the colors the rainbow provides! It’s a close cousin to depression and usually wrapped up in there. And I’m sorry while faith is the antithesis to worry all the faith in the world won’t stop anxiety.

It’s not logical, it’s not reasonable. You can’t argue it away. It’s energetic and needs to be treated as such. One way is indeed medication and frankly the author has such trouble with this particular force of nature I do take meds for it and they usually take the edge off unless I have an anxiety attack.

Now I have had a panic attack so severe I thought it was a heart attack. They gave me a knockout dose of anti anxiety and sent me to get some sleep. Then my psychiatrist prescribed me everything under the sun including weed. Lots and lots of medication to deal with a toxic situation I needed to leave.

Anxiety does have triggers – and those can be dealt with in therapy. And most people if they aren’t prescribing a pill try to treat what you have anxiety about.

But here’s the trick. Once that genie is out of the bag that force is in you fucking waiting. There’s always going to be a new trigger.

Your brain figured out freaking out got it what it needed to get through a rough spot and it’s going to do that to you every time. You might be calm queen in an emergency but melt down in any other situation. Frankly even when my anxiety has literally made me dizzy I can still run after my cat if she escapes out a window.

That’s the key. It wouldn’t be something medicine couldn’t treat if it wasn’t a survival instinct gone bad. The Fight, Flight, or Freeze has no fucking idea how to handle “None of the above”. So adrenaline pours in asking us to pick one. If we don’t? Anxiety.

Yes you can work on avoiding that response over small things unless harassed over small things. Our brains learn “Fuck, this tiny mistake is going to be criticized”. So a period in the wrong spot doesn’t require a perfectionist to cause a panic attack, but you can bet perfectionism is built out of anxiety of being harassed over small details.

What can you do about it other than pop a few pills? Well as it’s energy – hormone induced energy, you can treat it as such. Which sure, I roll my eyes at the idea of mediation in a panic attack. And my choose ten things that are [adjective] trick I learnt from a trauma therapist friend really requires his soothing voice being the one to calm me down. And that’s from a full blown freak out.

One: do not be afraid to medicate. Yes we have a toxic, soma society that requires medicine to function in. But we have a toxic society and we can’t wish it away, so take your damn soma.

Two: If you can meditate or pray regularly it won’t help acute attacks but it brings everything down a notch. Prayer being easier when mediation isn’t an option.

Three: Fucking magic that shit. Put your intentions in the universe in a more than wandering out loud and hoping for it. Maybe you don’t get what you are asking for. But maybe you get what you need. And if nothing else it will cool your tits enough to cool down your anxiety.

Four: Energy work. Yes exercise if you can, but if you can’t learn to control the flow of energy in your body. Imagine your anxiety as a green force that is neither good nor evil but is indeed destructive. Slowly work on changing that force to a different kind like white light or black wisdom.

Five: Sit it out and sleep it off.  No I’m serious. Everything from get high and watch anime from taking a fucking nap. When it comes to anxiety there are occasions you just need to let it run its course and relax after.

Six: Fix. The. Fucking. Problem. Once those tatas have chilled the fuck out, do something about the fucking trigger because the brain will likely register that as a successful fight and then get you to sleep off the adrenaline.

Seven, and last: In an acute attack be kind to yourself that at some point someone made such a big deal over a missed period, that lead to a bad grade, that lead to a tirade? Missing a period now has those ball bearings running along a track just ready for the Big Bad Monster of being yelled at or bullied to come crashing in.

Ah learned behavior. How helpful you are to us as adults. And parents stop being assholes. Thank you. Years down the line your offspring is going to bitch about a dirty table to their kid and cause tears. Stop the fucking cycle. Thank you.

Now back to the pagan idea of this is all for your magic. Sigh. For Christ’s sake there are other reasons to go pagan than witchcraft. Joke intended. But since most pagans want a little witchcraft in their world or at least are both we’re going to address the philosophy that shadow work makes for good spell work.

I mean yes it does. But our shadow selves can find an outlet in spell work too, and that’s just as valuable. Not just in casting magic for intentions but following any form of ritual is going to soothe the beast within. Not some “have a pot of tea” crap. But “have a pot of tea, gaze into a mirror to witness your mood’s expression, ring a bell say a prayer” kind of ritual.

And that’s provided you have a pot for tea, loose leaf tea, a bell and can summon a prayer. But the idea is the same. Most witchcraft that uses traditional tools has an investment phase and it’s not always feasible. You need shadow work anyway.

Just remember anxiety is a force and it can be caused by worry but isn’t actually the same thing. Worry is an idea. Anxiety is energy.