Sylvanna Devlin

By request as I’m in unusual circumstances. Some looked at what they were doing and questioned their place in life. Maybe watched a ball roll from an invisible force so they realized these things are real.

Stop pooling that fear and anxiety that you are evil. What you do is not right, but the other energies involved attract that malevolent force staring at me right now. Talking about evil and what is and what isn’t draws curiosity we don’t want.

I’m attracting the gaze just by bringing it up. So no. My gaslighting friends, you are not evil. This is a job. It pays well. It’s not good. It can scar you. But worry less because you’re drawing eyes that would like to goad you into worse spots.

Okay sure Sylvanna, but you committed suicide. You tried to fucking die. Not a half hearted attempt either, but grateful yet annoyed it didn’t work till you found anything, any reason to live. Gaslighting is what sent you there.

Yes, gaslighting of my whole family, some friends, ever building harassment for three years, intense gaslighting for two years, homelessness, hacking, torture (not gaslighting), and eight attempts to use sound to kill me? Did end up tipping me over the edge with just “No one can survive all that.” I agreed and we both feel bad about it.

What am I supposed to do? Sit and stew with attractive anger? No I’m supposed to rant to the gods, and settle the fuck down once it becomes clear this is indeed fucking real.

Once settled I became a lot less volatile and so did the situation. Those paid to hassle me eased too. With help the whole thing became easier to cope with. Which is not what my (her) self proclaimed nemesis wants but what the hell? (Maybe literally I swear I was being watched)

I will get swatted again. I know it. But my dragon temper is better suited to actual, physical self defense then swearing at strangers. Though I might swear at god because “Not again.” I mean come on. How much more do I need to survive?

What she’s promised she will do because dropping a house on me isn’t working so I’m going to cling to god and prayer but that’s beside the point. Are the people keeping me awake evil. Really? No.

Is it of evil when lashing out? When enjoying the release of frustration on another (usually unwilling) person? No. Surprised right?

I mean it’s not exactly good. It can open a window to more dangerous forces creeping in and consuming you. But it on its own is dangerous to both of you. Scarring as it is, it pays well and is better than not having work. Those that gaslight have usually lost faith in humanity or at least the person painted as an arse who seems like a “fair target”. Not that the act is fair but frankly from those whose other option is hunger to one being supported enough to eat, the resentment is at least understandable.

Is it evil working for an individual who likely is acting out of Malice? By per se the one my allies are trying to stop? That’s some out of a job and they are naturally conflicted about whether they want their boss to stop. But some probably feel that way about working for certain politicians. That conflict is not a bad sign and is understandable. But it really depends on what you’re asked to do vs what you’re willing to do. I mean keeping me awake could get bothersome, but I’m not mad. Does just pestering sound like a fucking force? No.

I have advice. But it’s going to be when I bring this up again later. Meanwhile everyone try to chill. Targets are indeed likely to rant and swear and human arrows are likely to want to swear too. You may even fight which does no one any good. But we all need to get used to the idea that some acts are not good, usually morally corrupt and attract the horrible, malevolent, vindictive force that watch’s for an opening at every turn. But not on there own evil.

Evil acts? They scar. So can acts that simply are not good. But they don’t make you evil. Not even crimes of passion. We can turn to good at any time. Turn to god. Pray to be cleansed of the energy inside us wounding our lives. But for some, that is when they get a better job. That does not make them evil that makes them facing hunger otherwise.

May Allah protect your soul, and you find more satisfying work soon.

Is that a prophet?

No. Prophets are decided by history not the writer/speaker.

A a peaker is a personality arch type of which there are 7. People can be any or all of these, and change through their lives which one is dominant.

Guardian, peacekeeper, caregiver, leader, speaker, troublemaker, follower.

No one wants to describe themselves as followers but there are definitely those it is the dominant part of their personality whether they’re willing to admit it or not.

It’s a psychology theory I’m still working on. But those who have heard me refer to being a “speaker” probably wants to know if I add “of god” to the end of that. Well yes, it may be true I often have words god would want said, I am not here to establish a religion. Only a framework and sign post to those who do actually speak gods words.

They can be found in Islam – the greatest prophet of which being Mohammad – or those who documented the Christs words. Atheists who do good can certainly find a pleasant surprise in the afterlife if they can’t let go and don’t go to Nirvana. St Francis as pope, while not distinguishing the forms of heaven, said as much.

We agree there. That fits what has been shared with me. Do other-worldly sources often tell me the answers I give? Certainly and my dominant personality has had to shift from Guardian to Speaker among which there are “no small writers”. But not everyone has all of them and some do not have to change their everything for which is strongest.

You are looking for Gods words? They are in the Toroh, the Orthodox or Catholic Bible, and the Quran. Please do explore as all paths lead to good. God inspires my words, God occasionally answer questions. But my blog and the book I’m forming with my posts have my explanations of the answers I am given.

Allah is still with me. He still wants that book. And I still promised him to stay alive. But it’s not from prophecy but from my soul.

Allah would likely smile if I asked for a vision he has not already decided I needed. These words are born of my everything and conversations with those guiding me. Many human.

I’ve had many experiences, many adventures, some preferable, some not, I am pulling together what I have learnt and that’s mostly that while I answer many questions, God is better at some best left to him.

“Why worry?” Oh I don’t know, climate change, terrorism, Moores Law, pick a problem there’s a lot to stress over and if you have the weight of the world on you that’s pretty fucking heavy. Just looking at cybersecurity news made me convinced what the world needed from me most was better security.

That did not answer what I needed most from the world, and what it really fucking needs is some damn cooperation and I have a better chance of that studying psychology rather than mathematics. Don’t get me wrong. I love geometry. But I’m behind the times and rusty as fuck when it comes to variables and formulas.  But people, while evolving rapidly and in tandem with technology look different from theirs forebears.  Some things plain don’t change and those I can comment on. Maybe even convince.

Generation z is known for being cooperative. But here’s the trick. In their youth. The older you get the more set in your ways you become even if that way is flexible compared to most. Indeed flexibility becomes your way and you get annoyed at others for failing to have that much.

What a lovely soup.

One might ask. “How can I avoid worrying” – you can’t, please don’t. Instead ask, “How can I avoid letting my worry consume me?”

First of all it’s not a bad thing to care. It really isn’t. When it becomes anxiety it’s an issue but that’s next. Worry is a social mechanism, if we don’t concern ourselves with each other how to we protect our love ones. If we will not worry over our own lives when we are in peril what is wrong with us?

Frankly I’m one to talk. I’m worried about the whole world but don’t give a toss if you want to strangle me to death. I need a different balance I think. But it’s a bit like walking a beam. Fall off and I’m drowning in a suffering world with little concern for if I can personally swim.

So how do you cope with knowing five ways to end the planet and hoping no one else gets tempted. I mean five ways to cause chaos for a few years I suppose. But it’s enough that western civilization or even the world could be brought down by social engineering and lack of security.

One can’t hack the atomic clock. One could, theoretically hack the computer(s) interpreting it. Try not to worry about all the damage lack of a schedule can cause and while appealing to some stock markets would crumble. A lot of computers wouldn’t even work. That’s a pretty important building to have nestled into the heart of a small college city. But that’s where interesting weather is and they study that down the road.

Method number one.

This is why Elon was brought on. That and Trump needed help.  But mostly we need a technologically savvy administration if we want to avoid judgement day.

Or I know. How about don’t piss off all the geniuses because patterns are noticeable and so is deviating from them. I drove my father insane because I began to feel tracked and kept changing. But it was eventually likely predictable in what way.

Oh how I must flag about a minute a day.

But here’s where we are coming to.

There are entire departments of people whose job it is to worry and make phone calls when worried enough. That’s what they do. They double check what a computer thinks, they train it to help them more. And they watch what it spits out. There are research departments who bring on people who each worry about a different individual aspect.

Worry about supporting research because that leads to solutions.

If it’s your job to worry?

God do I understand someone snapping, “stay in your lane.” Now anyway. I didn’t then mostly because I hadn’t made the mistake of thinking of ways to end the world. And I knew a hell of a lot less about cybersecurity. 

I didn’t understand and was a bit hurt. And while kind of a rude thing to hiss at someone the meaning is the same. Let others compartmentalize the worry for you. Worry about your plot of land first, and how it relates to another’s plot of land. Family first, then friends, then neighbors, then if there’s one worth speaking of, the government. If it’s your job to worry. Worry over your part.

What if it’s your job to oversee and connect the dots everyone else is worrying about? Because forget leaving that to a computer ever. Well my best advice is to really find someone to worry over you so you can worry over everyone else. That’s not always feasible but is a better solution than just “toughing it out” because that will always lead to “burn out.”

How do you avoid becoming a cynical bastard that only sees misery and darkness and the awful things human beings do to each other? How do any of us but particularly if you are in healthcare, policing, or intelligence?

Umm.. give me a sec. Hang on.

No really that one is really difficult because it’s highly personal. I can’t answer everything with, “Get a god.” Well I can. And they do help. But it rather leaves a lot of people I love out in the cold. And frankly since gods use people to perform miracles sometimes putting our faith in each other is a better bet.

We do need faith in someone. Ourselves, each other, a higher whatever. Faith is the antithesis to worry. We need to believe our problems are preventable or fixable. We need to believe we make a difference. We need the rather comforting idea that we are helping for a reason other than a comfortable life. Because all the wealth in the world won’t stop emptiness. And if you are at all the worrying kind, you likely don’t have all the wealth in the world.

But what if you’ve lost faith? The world is not kind. You are not protected in the way you thought you were. Fuck gods, where were they when my cat was dying of a maggot infestation? As an example. Maybe you’re protected in a different way that is just out of sight. Pick an organization manmade or religious in orientation we do have safety nets they just don’t catch all of us. But they do sweep up enough.

What if you’ve lost faith for another reason? The world is not kind and it’s your job to protect others. You see shitty behavior day in day out and you don’t have a guiding light.

For fucks sake find one. Can I shine my torch brightly enough for you to feel this is all worthwhile? Can someone? Find someone you are doing this for. Because the worries of the world will consume you if you lose faith in humanity. I know. Recovering from death was an unwelcome experience. And all I could think about were the miserable bastards hurting each other. The miserable bastardly things done to hurt me. And that frankly the gods were bastards too.

But three weeks in the hospital, another three months recovering from giving up taught me that people do try. But they need to know you’re hurting. Unfortunately some people don’t fucking listen if you’re not screaming your head off in pain. And some people don’t realize what they are losing until their loved one loses their life over loss. Sorry bad time for wordplay but we’re talking about worry and faith here, and what is suicide but losing faith in everyone and everything. Coming from someone who loved everyone and everything and some people more than most that’s quite a fucking fall.

So what to do shadow boxer who is looking to recover a little from being the world’s worst worry-wort? How the fuck do you have faith when you’ve seen the ugly underbelly of life and “just don’t think about it”. Seems naive and unappealing.

Here’s the bad thing. You’re going to need some faith.

In god is convenient, but not necessary and not even always plausible let alone possible.

In your social environment, family, friends, neighbors, government is nice at whatever level you can achieve.

In yourself? That’s what you’re left with? Yuck.

Sorry welcome to the whole purpose of shadow work. What you can do and what you have control over. And the base of these is what you worry about. Thus the first solution you encounter is to have faith. And since we’re on an individual basis. That means in you.

Stay in your lane. God that sounds so nasty rude, and mean spirited. It sounds territorial and aggressive. But there’s wisdom there. Have faith in yourself first and then worry about everyone else after that.

How?

Are you fucking kidding me? I don’t know. This world seems pretty hell bent at destroying each other. So it’s super hard to believe in your own ability to survive let alone make an impact. Maybe start with a small seed. Get that low hanging fruit first. Eat the tasty, tasty peach of enlightenment when you have food in your belly, a roof over your head, clean water to drink, and remember what the hell love is. But then eat that fucking peach.

Okay maybe you don’t have to be enlightened. It helps, it certainly helps, but it’s unreasonable. But just be encouraged you made it through another day and build your faith from there.

Red flag city. I describe it in Game Over. Do they accept a hard “NO” without freaking out? No needling and wheedling, no temper tantrums and maybe not even trying to question and persuade? No they don’t? Fucking run like hell.

But what if it’s worse. What if they seem incapable of understanding that you are real, or have your own desires, or don’t do things “they would do”? Run fucking further.

Okay Sylvanna, but you ran from the parent of said stalker to another state and ended up down the road from her. Now she’s fucking worse because at least he liked you even if his, idea of love isn’t just possessive in the typical way but the “object of their affection” is regarded as equally as a favorite object.

No now I have said little daughter afraid of my shadow trying to burn me to the ground because frankly she doesn’t understand how to use her money to light the way for others! Only lead them to evil acts.

Maybe if you kill me the Gehinverer will fucking shut up? So you’re going to let the whore of babylon tempt guide and pay your way into evil?

I can’t control who she pays or what for. So far she promised to cough up for killing my cat. And she’ll find someone. And they’ll darken their soul with evil. And hell will laugh.

Look figure this out. It is indeed difficult to do. But which one of us wants you to eviscerate a cat?

Okay basic and obvious but until now she’s made others insane using military technology and sound as a weapon. All the paranoid people I met? Maybe they really were fucking hacked.

Because “Sylvanna”. Now she’s stolen my identity because “Melissa Devlin” – other.

Fuck It’s natural to be confused by her gaslighting, lies, and torture, it sure is. But I’m going to take it personally if you try to kill me.

Seems fair doesn’t it?

Don’t fall for her shit toying with others like ants. Oh she stole this post and popped it on her page? Yep. Does she understand the concept of “No”?

I’m older and despite having a house dropped on me thus far still alive. Please don’t fall for her shit.

How do you tell which is which from her thievery? Maybe don’t act till you can tell.

I’m having some trouble concentrating but recently found an additional career path to maybe writing fiction again.

I had no idea I could learn and get ASL certified and “make bank”. But in time when my name rises on a list. Right now the goal is German audio. Maybe Japanese and Greek too. That’s what I have.

We’ll see if the state of the universe is enough to do 3 at once with the reason I have to be depressed.

Anyway I have a crown originally intended for Halloween but found a mask too pretty on its own and it’s too dangerous to leave Tabitha alone! So costuming up at home will be a thing this year.

But then there’s new years. And my cat and I have a date with a boat. So the crown gets worn then or any time I feel like goofing off with it. Here’s my pixie-gaze picture I swear says, “I will haunt your next life too!”

Well now. Here’s an interesting page to find you on. I used to think I was spared of this negative emotion. Well except for those jealous of me. It seemed illogical and out of place. We were different I didn’t compete I was in my own world and my own class. Why did that matter to anyone else?

Well being jealous of someone who has a class by themselves is probably reasonable in societies that have tallest poppy issues. Which is that those that grow the tallest get attacked the most. They are not in the group therefore they are an other and in lizard brains that’s “not okay”. In groups made of tall poppies no one cuts each other down but they sure as hell bitch about the short poppies because othering is a species thing we all fucking do and a tall poppy in a small field gives off lone wolf vibes that just somehow seem like a threat.

Though try being a tall poppy from a small field going to a bigger field and still being tall with more to attack you. Oh boy.

That’s the “class by myself” feeling. But what do you want from me? I’ve been othered since I first asked a question in middle school in Maine. I’ve found groups of outcasts (mostly gamers) welcoming and interested. But I’ve been pushed into the “other” category so much, I just have to redefine it as being something unearthly or at least in a unique class of other unique people. Some people think I’m an angel or Fae and when I need to, I do too. Because they have historical roots in being kinds of energetic forces and I certainly contain those and the good nature I was born with.

But I’m still an other. Perhaps even otherworldly, but not necessarily. For all we know the struggles of the Fir Bolg and Danu are as described on google. Invaders to what was paradise to the residents before they were attacked. So maybe with my Irish nose I am danu. A little fairy child descended from legends.

This does not help me in society and it doesn’t keep me from jealousy. Others published. Got their PHDS. I started treatment and cycled round and round and was flattened by others, PTSD and eventually a mass attack on the class by herself women living in the basement.

It had doors to ground level. It had windows to the drive. But it was an apartment built in an old sound studio in the basement. And when audio harassment became possible thanks to the neighborhood being wired up previously, I suffered greatly from being othered and different. I helped too. I was better than google. And I would talk to anyone who would dial in to my room – not that I had a choice. But professional gaslighters are a thing and that can kill.

Why did gaslighters have a wiki on me? I talked. I was hacked. It was doable. But some of them got bored trying to harass me and by then I knew how the wiki worked and opened it up to them. But I warned and was not wrong. They needed to be careful because they were next.

Would this have happened if I was average? If I didn’t stand out? Maybe. But I wouldn’t have survived it. I don’t know why I got so fortunate that my life was saved by surgery few knew how to do. It was a strange place for such expertise and maybe it was a matter of hearing of it and trying it because it was the only way to save my life. But it’s not normal to be in such a position.

My gratitude stops me from being suspicious it was arranged. Frankly I think the surgeon decided “not another one” and just did anything he could because it takes an incredible amount of compassion to be an ER doctor and compassion can hurt.

Also, no one with that skill works at a community hospital without the compassion and confidence to take risks. They are there because they care not because it pays well.

So while my story is anything but average, hell yes I experience jealousy. I can’t talk to someone because they’re doing so much better than I am and I thought she would fuck around her whole life. And while it’s wrong to judge someone like that, I’m still human and I do. Not many. But if my ex husband won the lottery you can bet I’d be jealous such an ass was doing well while I lived in relative poverty.

What can we do about it? Jealousy from others vs our own jealousy for others? Well as long as we’re not chopping down tall poppies do we need to do anything about being jealous of another? If we celebrate in them what we envy can’t we escape the negative energy we would otherwise commit to our thoughts? The reason there are so few people I truly envy is that what I can’t do and another can I congratulate and praise. I don’t behave with jealousy. What I can do and another has done already? Fuck off. I’m not chopping her down so what does it really matter?

Well we have two sides of this to work with. When others are jealous of you it can make you defensive and if they start mass chopping it can eventually make you suicidal. Well if you see jealousy as a choice then you can simply make a different one.

So what does it stem from? Feeling inadequate compared to another? Or worse feeling lessor to someone you looked down on? Try not to look down on people is a generally good rule of thumb that isn’t one hundred percent successful but certainly helps that kind.

If you feel like you are not enough compared to someone else it doesn’t matter that person doesn’t consider themselves in competition with you. It’s a mistake I have made to think it’s about some kind of score board I have nothing to do with. It’s not about adding points. But for some it’s an about tearing others down because building up is harder. Particularly if you don’t recognize you are doing it.

You may have built up the other person as a bitch or cunt  and what? She deserves poor treatment? Here’s a little known secret. If you treat someone badly they usually respond by being an asshole back. It reinforces a battle no one really wants. That scoreboard does go up. Tallies are added, war forms. Don’t be an asshole to anyone even if they’re an asshole to you and you at least know it’s not you.

Don’t be a pushover. Just enforce boundaries and see who bounces off them.

What can you do about that negative pit if you are the kind of person to want what another has – usually love, money, or both. Or you percieve wealth where there is age? My two most sacred items were disfigured and required repair. But they looked fucking expensive. I made them and if they were art or for sale they would be too much. So they were broken and carved into.

Why would jealousy do that rather than simply take it? What message do I get if they’re not destructive? They want me to conform I want them to leave me alone. Carving into wood is an easy way to make a subtle threat. But add the gaslighting I was experiencing and I was certain I was being dragged into a shadow world. I was warned that these rooms weren’t secure, that souvenirs are taken, that favors for fivers were easy. So the mass effect others could have would be intense and together form a hostile front.

Would they have done all that if they hadn’t seen me as an other? Would I be seen as an other if they weren’t in part jealous of me? They may have been paid and goaded into it and each would claim how awful I must be to be so harassed. They don’t want anything to do with me. Why would I think jealousy is a motivation? What other reasons do people have to hate and other people if it isn’t about any other form of prejudice? These are white women hen pecking a white woman. They don’t do that if they don’t want to chop someone down a bit. They want my things. They want my face and my body. They want attention I get from men. Or at least would if I left the room. They want my aspirations to do more. To get out. They want my confidence. The only thing they don’t want is my intellect because fucking everyone believes they are a secret genius. And if they can’t have those. Then they want me to feel like I don’t have them. That I’m fat, ugly, stupid, and unlovable.

Fae angel goddess it is then. Because fuck conforming. I’m a fabulous shrinking fat woman whose clothes are finally available on amazon, and I’m aging not ugly since it’s attitude. Besides I’m barely seen these days anyway.

There’s that confidence.

Frankly I have it to spite them. The only reason I could rebuild after being torn apart by my ex and then the gaslighters was because I survived. Found purpose again. And regained the knowledge that I was not crazy for hearing these things or loving others the way I did.

No one listens enough for me to be believed. A doctor asked if I needed people to believe me. And I had to really think about it and finally came up with no. Not anymore. Because I can stop talking about it. If I shared, yes I would. But the best thing to do is not really mention the same cliches as everyone else. For some they just don’t know how to use their phones or an app caused it to glitch. For others we really are targeted by something weird or someone with deep pockets in the case of stalkers.

Apparently I pissed off a terrorist. How, what, why? I don’t know. But I ended up loving some of the people who were supposed to harass me. Which was probably not to their benefit. But I treated most with kindness so the ones left at the end of the day were relentless and cruel.

It all stopped with my death. CPR brought me back to life but my heart stopped as did my lungs. I had entirely given up and it took a lot to reengage in life. I didn’t want to. Didn’t feel capable. Couldn’t manage. But others reached out their hands and helped me. I became part of something bigger and as soon as I found focus with returning to magical pursuit I felt stronger and my spite confidence began to rebuild.

The individuals harassing me were likely paid to do it. Or part of some kind of war game with people playing angels and demons and the latter not really attached to the fact I was fucking real.

War games being the most likely actually.

And the hardest to convince others of.

They certainly would view me as lessor. A toy. Jealousy was not at work for the manipulative gaslighters that pushed me to suicide. And it wasn’t exactly an issue for those who wanted to protect and save me. But it did help enemies form when the “demons” with deep pockets pushed pawns on a playing board.

Hey you, Queen honey bee. You can’t be here. You’re supposed to be worthless if you end up in a section 8 building. You’re not allowed confidence. To stand out. To be more than. And this $5 in my pocket will prove it.

It’s a dangerous combination.

My sister recommended camouflage. Hiding my exceptional qualities away. But it’s too late for that. And my appreciation of what others can do and I can’t is near meaningless for others who lack confidence. But they may never be in a position that you believe in yourself out of spite for all those trying to destroy you.

So where does the shadow work come in? On my part I’m taking what has happened to me and learning from it with the hope to offer back a Mental Tai Chi which takes the force of the abuse and redirects it. We’ll see if I can develop the mindset to protect others from what I’ve been through. Others are being targeted already. We need walls and shields because drawing psychological blood is a bad way to get help.

That’s my shadow work. Tangible results from mass abuse. But what of someone who is simply the neighborhood prom queen? What can you do about the negative impact of jealousy from others? Iris you’re up.

Moving to another environment would be advisable or finding “your people” online if that’s an option. Traveling to a nearby big city where you stand out less can be both good and bad. It’s weird to go from recognized everywhere to a face in a crowd. But the only real way to cope with the unbalance jealousy causes you is to change your circumstances.

Okay but your the prom queen married to the prom king who has a job in bumblefuck nowhere and everyone hates you because of the ivory tower myth.

What can you personally do inside you if you can’t change your circumstances?

Whoah nelly hold on for dear life. Hold on to yourself. Hold on to your soul.  Hold on until that job moves you elsewhere. How? Write down everything and review it. Find out your core. If everything I am is attached to my love for humanity I need to get that back and hold on tight.

Once you dig down into who you really are. Your central question for life. Your main attitude. Hold on to it tightly and don’t let them change the fundamental aspect of you. If you lose sight of your fundamental aspect choose love til you remember what your life is really about.

Let the jealous attack, so long as you’re loving and kind they will always be in the wrong and their numbers will dwindle. But to be loving and kind you need to know who you are. And don’t let go.

Yes this is some find your own meaning crap. But look inward not outward. Were you abused as a child. Has that turned into a need to protect others? Then you are a guardian type. Do you need to dig back if your everything says “fuck my past”. Cling to what resonates.

And be comfortable with change if your abilities change.

I was a guardian. Now I’m a peacekeeper. Did I always have the tendency to try to balance worlds? Of course. But I leaned to protecting others before, and now I seek harmony. Both are perfectly reasonable ways to proceed. See what sings to you.

Did I call a woman trying to kill me via “Gaslight her to death” every swear word I could think of and only came up with one? Yes. Was it combative? Yes. Did it feel good? Of course. But it was counter productive and I’m not sure I’ll survive her promise to harass me for days on end till I die for good.

Of course I’m going to fucking swear. So maybe like most rules there are limits to love and kindness. If they’re rejected attacked and used to manipulate you? Walk the fuck away? If they’re chase they’re a cunt.

I experienced treatment from a woman so vile, so deeply evil, so relentless, so wrong and twisted, that it was a near spiritual instinct to hate her as I would, say, a demon. A real blazing pool of dark chaos climbing out of hell to piss on all that was sacred.

She seemed to want me dead for no decent reason beyond obsession with a man and jealousy of my history. She was young but the level of petty she reached was obscene. No detail too small to peck and pick on or use as a source of gaslighting. Nothing.

I could pray and she would bend the experience into three hours of torture. What was I supposed to do but hate her?

Once an enemy (for what better word is there?) gains a foothold in your soul it’s natural to feel further resentment. Influencing our shadow self means they have some control. But while modern hocus pocus philosophy is to say you are giving it? That’s victim blaming bullshit half the time, and you are not responsible for the actions of boundary bashing bitches of any gender.

So how do we respond to this presence within us? Hooks that cause pain then anger on a level that fosters hatred?

Let’s be clear, as there are some emotions or conditions I can address. There are some forms of prejudice and related hatred I can not aide the understanding of. They are not within all of us and while I am not without benefit from systems of prejudice, I am without malice. And I am not alone.

Hatred as I describe it is a natural response to prolonged deliberate injury.

While some are abusive out of weakness or madness, they tend not to be as extreme as the type of enemy I’m describing.

Unfortunately for us both one day I saw her humanity and I couldn’t hate her any longer. I couldn’t even get mad when she needled and wheedled. She didn’t really want to be hurting me.

What can you do when that consistently angry? It helps to know why. Being pushed into it or she got the same does actually seem reasonable. Behind her was a bastard more worthy of the emotion. A hostage taker and abuser. But I didn’t know who and had no where else to lay my emotion.

A lack of understanding seems to fill the gaps when it comes to the motivations for emotional responses and that kind of hatred is indeed a temporary emotion no matter how badly it seems lasting.

What do I mean fill the gaps? We may know the trigger and the cause but not the purpose, background, context of the cause. So understanding is like water trickling to the back before you find out if ever.

Though once you have that it’s a lot easier to release that feeling into the ether. That and time with distance from the one making you so angry on a regular basis hatred has formed.

This is how couples who once love each other dearly came to hate each other upon divorce. The level of divide is too strong. Maybe with time they can remember the good. But the bad bogs them down. It does take two to tango when it comes to divorce but not necessarily the instigator of it.

Toad (My ex spouse) wanted mediation. I only wanted that in the form of divorce papers. He clung on to power and clutched a ribbon I was letting go of. I don’t hate him. But by god there was a night I did. I should have. He made me a nervous wreck. Gave me PTSD. Worsened my bipolar. And in screwing up that badly released me to live a better life than one I could have with him.

No hatred is the wrong term. Lack of concern is more accurate. Which from some all loving being as myself probably seems the same. But while he gets coldness and any other lover gets the heat of the sun, what Toad receives (or doesn’t) is not as active as hatred.

You have to still care to hate someone in that way.

Malice? I don’t know. I don’t want to know. I’ll skip out on learning that part of humanity. It’s a motivation I don’t understand. Even prejudice is othering combined with fear and hatred. That hatred is learned.  Fear is usually resource anxiety and also learnt. But it is not the same as Malice.

Does Malice actually exist? Hurting another for the sake of hurting them? Of course. Lashing out is malicious and prolonged disregard for another is malicious too. Or at least can be. I don’t know.

What I do know is as I write this I’m resisted by a malicious force hiding behind envy. There are plenty of religions who dig into that but I’ll discuss Jealousy tomorrow.

Stay safe, there are assholes out there.

Usually when we become depressed we become keenly aware of the darker emotions. Unless we have the kind of depression we don’t feel anything. Then they roil under a calm surface waiting to drag us down when we feel again – at least that’s how being numb feels. You almost don’t want to thaw out but you don’t feel love either, and there’s nothing connecting you to this world.

But what do you have there? Sorrow, worry, jealousy, guilt, anger, grief?

You certainly have the latter as grief is the root of all pain. But no matter what you’re wallowing in, you certainly are covered in mire. The kind that drags you under, if you just keep wading without making any changes.

To be clear though, feeling sorrow, worry, jealousy, anger and grief don’t make you a bad person. And shadow work isn’t there for just depressive episodes. If you want to avoid being a miserable bastard and sending miserable negative energy into your spell work, prayer, or the world at large? Fucking examine what hurts and do something about it.

If it’s all of them read all, because by the time we’re thirteen we’ve experienced all of these and could really do with some pointers on how to handle “undesirable” emotions.

Though first up let’s tackle that concept. These are all rooted in basic survival. But as the world grows more complex so do our needs but they rest on the basic needs.  Food, water, shelter, love.

Yes love is a basic fucking need frankly. And most of us aren’t getting enough so we aren’t giving enough. Because that actually should work the other way. If we give enough out we get enough back right?

Well… do you have a stalker with electronic talents? No. Probably then. But what’s the point of life without love of some kind? Love of work being an option too. Take away your basic needs you die, take away love and society basically kills you off. You can do something about all of those, but not always enough.

But I guarantee that soup kitchen worker who smiles at you and makes your day is part of the reason you’re still alive if you’ve landed at the bottom and if you’ve hovering with enough wealth for a decent latte the barista can indeed make your day too.

Why? We are a fucking society that’s why.  We’re pack animals. That whole “if your friends jumped off a bridge would you?” Is such bullshit. For one if I was young enough for a bungee chord hell yes. But my joints say hell fucking no. But on a more meaningful level we are geared towards making societal connections and thus group activity and behavior is something we have an instinct for even if the group is full of shit. Usually we then need to switch groups.

If you become isolated – as happened to me. There’s still always some guidance, some group, even if it’s spirits. Or you are recovering from a group and lack of guidance. In which case give yourself some time before trying again.

Do not become the lone woman in the woods. I mean sure, yeah you’re likely to attract spiritual company that way. But unless you’re glowy and fae friendly that kind of company might not be what you want. Negative drawing negative. If you’re perfectly happy with yourself and your cat and whomever is around then chances are you’re a writer and I guarantee you will begin to miss people once your novel is finished.

Do we get sick of people?

Yes. By god how do we. But we need those too.

Communes seem like such a good idea. Everyone working together. Loving each other. Separate and away from an abusive world moving at a speed none of us can keep up with. If you can integrate into a group so thoroughly by all means do so. But in actuality they usually cause misery for someone who is a little more unusual than the others. They are groups and non group members – including weirdo kids – are not really all that welcome even if they say otherwise.

As much as we get frustrated with “group thought” and complain about it to our friends what we’re really doing is complaining about – that other group. If we one hundred percent don’t have anyone we will find someone or die. But again. It can just be someone with the time of day for you.

Does finding a group mean everything? Oh I want to say no but I’d be lying. It does. But if you want to be isolated it’s for a reason and you should feel free to sequester yourself till you are willing to try again.

Back to why and chances are likely the solution is in shadow work.

Now pagans use this term multiple ways – one is to describe magic that isn’t healthy and the other to describe self reflection with the purpose of becoming more powerful or putting more good in the world. I suggest the self reflection alone is a good enough reason. But there are lots of techniques for delving down and shoving it sideways to the “dealt with” category. I’m going to go over free thought meditation and prayer.

But I’m also going to go over what they are and why we have them. And sometimes understanding is enough to convince us to feel otherwise. We don’t want to become our shadow selves – the miserable bastards we would metamorphoses into if these consumed us. And we don’t want all that fucking pain touching everything we do.

While useful for safe, practical magic, you’ll find it helpful in daily life. Atheists may have a harder time with these as prayer certainly helps. In which case I recommend you get high and go into deep-state, floating-thought meditation and find some peace that way.

Peace being the ultimate goal. Happiness is a different affair and what you really fucking need when it comes to these is peace.

Peace, love, and happiness being the general goals in life when you think of them. And thus when you want roses and writing you need to unbox, examine, work with, and overcome your shadow self.

Good luck. I still have to fight mine.

I had planned to put this off but am answering a request for help writing your own prayer. So I wrote a new short one for myself (and needed to) and teased out the structure involved. For this it’s useful to remember prayer is as good as meditation for elevating the consciousness and more accessible to many. It doesn’t replace the good of meditation but a quick prayer every morning will help you keep your balance.

Writing your own can be very challenging so I advise the following structure. Make it personal to you and between you and whichever gods lead you to good. All paths of good lead to better futures.

If writing your own isn’t an option certainly please be comfortable using mine for private use.

Prayer Structure:

Opening

Gratitude

Forgiveness

Cleaninsing

Agape

Agape

Worship

Why

Worship

Gratitude

Close

So my new one is:

Praise be to Our Dominus Deus,

The one true god.

Thank you for your grace and kindness

Please forgive in me evil thoughts and deeds

And cleanse them from my life and soul

May my love for you spill to all around me

So we may share in that love

Praise be to our Dominus Deus

The one true god

How I worship thee

For yours is the kingdoms of the heavens

And the true paths of righteousness

May all find peace in your welcoming bosom

Thank you our Dominus Deus

The one true god

And praise be to you.

Oh good question, here’s another one. Do you need an answer?

No really, do you?

This is not some find your own meaning crap, or there is none, not even the eyes through which the universe sees itself. But Allah exists, the stars exist. So do we. The product of creating planets then micro-bacterial soup ended up becoming a fish with legs. Who knows. Maybe we surprised Allah. I wouldn’t know what to do if life on one of my planets started talking. I would probably just watch for a really long time until they started looking for answers in gods.

Why does Allah exist? Are you fucking serious?

Yes?

I don’t know. Don’t feel like asking him frankly. Because the answer will always be because you noticed me, and that’s the end of that conversation.

We exist because at some point an eve somewhere dropped a seed in the ground and that story was retold ad nausium because the Fertile Crescent was what happened next.We evolved, noticed gods, evolved, some even noticed Allah and became the godparents of Science, we evolved some more and keep growing and believe it or not – because it’s pretty questionable looking, we are continuing to evolve. And maybe one day we’ll stop squabbling or just keep the fight to intellectual territory.

Would be nice.

Okay that’s why we exist but why do I?

Bodies need souls

Okay that’s why bodies exist but why souls?

What the actual fuck. Like just happening on a planet isn’t enough? That maybe everything has a soul but as we are (theoretically) more evolved so are our souls? If not, it’s back to toads for you! (Maybe the allegory behind witchcraft legends). No. Fine. We’re an electrical signal that joins the pearly gates with our conscious minds attached and… no that doesn’t really work.

At some point I will pontificate on the concept of “Unknowables” and shaping the gray (Either gray matter for some or a cloudy gray of floating concepts to the rest of us.) But really I can’t tell you why Allah exists. It seems a bit rude. I can’t tell you why souls exist. I can’t tell you why or how minds imprint on souls. I just don’t know. I’ve grown comfortable with the unknown in spiritual realms and in other realms, limits to how much one person can learn without losing their minds.. Also referred to as the Gray. Shaping the gray is getting to that point by any path you choose. Eventually you just become comfortable that some things are just plain out of reach for mortals, and gods laugh if you’re not so rude to ask Allah twice.

I did ask in the interests of a book and I got a “Didn’t you just say you exist because I do?” So I had to apologize that I didn’t really notice it’s the same fucking question. Fortunately Allah is of a forgiving nature or I would probably not have gotten any further than this.

Allah exists, so we do, and everything has a soul so enjoy your food when you’re not thinking of who it might have been last. If time is fluid, hitler was sent back to the swimmer on legs stage I’m pretty certain. It’s that or Bran’s dark laugh and Iris’s twinkling giggles are a sign there’s something worse then starting out at the beginning of our timeline to fucking try again.

Yes I will eat meat on occasion. I prefer eating vegetarian food. But it’s not always a financial option and nothing is stopping lamb roast or sushi frankly. It also makes hospital stays easier to be flexible. They don’t understand the rather disgusting concept of being raised to be eaten – are less evolved etc etc, that could be… oh wait some people might deserve ending up on the dinner plate. Enjoy that thought too.