Sylvanna Devlin

It was all supposed to settle down.

Don’t go after the person tracking your every patten.

But someone has soundbites from previous conversations.

Some hurtful. Some controlling. Some the same old same old.

I will be counting.

When I was in middle school a computer couldn’t recognize faces. Now I use mine to unlock my phone. So what seemed impossible for a. computer to track is likely something it can indeed do – with the right mathematics

People have patterns, and patterns of patterns. Their vocal styles in the terms of vocabulary level, cadence, inflection, and decibel range. I would say rhythm but a metronome could fix that!

Filters were supposed to mask it a little. But get a sample of each and you can mathematically tear them apart. Computers are no doubt going good at mimicking what the ear can already do.

Whether understanding of mathematics is there is irrelevant with the right software because it doesn’t just require teasing them apart by scanning each voice suspected to be involved. Then looking for patterns to align. Particularly when those who are trying to disguise their voices have favorites!

Of course this courses a glut of data that needs a little sorting and curiosity to pull together and become information. Then if we understand that information we can – again as the human mind, turn it into knowledge.

But these days we have patterns of patterns and after a while we have to treat what we know as data if we need to get a meta level understanding of use.

Patterns of patterns.

I’m particularly interested in the branch of mathematics involved in the basis, but I suspect the patterns of patterns issue will eventually (if not already) branch off into a focus on sorting data per use.

Mathematicians interested in helping a particular field would be more likely to be able to choose a branch of this field if they know where they’re going with it.

That’s why some people can really move on to applied mathematics and others are more interested in theory and remaining part of academia.

I haven’t yet decided where to take my mathematical instinct (except my arse and shove it – which would be my neighbors preference) but I do have to have some mathematical grounding to get a job pointing out patterns.

But disabled, with bipolar and severe PSTD, shat on, bullied, stolen from, ruined I can see why some think they have buried me.

No my lovelies. I got bored of you adding to my PTSD and am now watching you until funding comes up to return to school. You have so far burnt every trick on me.

And so far I’ve had one meh, interrupted suicide attempt. One severe I actually died and came back attempt. And a few heart attacks. Maybe even a stroke.

We’ll see if I live long enough to track all you do with official mathematics with an instinct so strong I figured out modern set theory after having not really worked with the subject since 1995.

Checkmate is an interesting affectation you developed. So are all the other so called ways to stop you vs take time before upping the level

Let’s hope I can just go abstract from now on. Okay?

So… I’m about 75lbs overweight. My fat will help me shrink. As the number of cells we have is entirely static. But boy can they swell.

If your mother or grandmother went through a period of hunger – you’re going to be born chubby. If your genes say “hey, we need coverage.” The number of cells are set.

That much I learned in middle school.

Those precious (not so little in my case) cells are part of an organ trying to keep us warm and energetic enough to survive.

But it can send the signal (leptin) that “hey we’re plenty big, could we eat less and burn more?

But leptin doesn’t communicate that if it’s blocked by insulin. We know how we get spikes of that! Sugar binges are easy to fall into and bad for your leptin!

Now I’m addicted to sugar. Which is difficult because it’s in everything and we need some to survive. Our brains run on glucose. Our muscle stores glycogen they make from glucose. We need sugar – or at least carbs that convert nicely into it.

That’s where the glycemic load comes in. Not the index, screw that one. Carrots have a high index but good luck eating enough of those to worry! No glycemic load is where it’s at.

I understand what to do. I know how to eat healthy. And I know if I cut the sugar weight loss is natural.

And I used to cut it to under 100g a day preferably no more than 50g. My body knew what to do.

But addictions are chemical and your brain likes its easy access glucose. There’s probably some serotonin crap with sugar because I vaguely remember dopamine is too brief to settle in. I don’t remember.

Both are involved for sure. Shortbread has the perfect sugar, fat, carb ratio to have an effect on your dopamine so strong it could be considered an opioid-like effect.

But a lot safer on your joints!

Which might be why some of us suffering from Ehlers-Danlos syndrome and fibromyalgia find ourselves a bit tubby! Painkillers are dangerous and pain will drive you up the wall and down again. Never mind “other” factors.

At some point our weight is too much for our joints. And I’m sorry (not really), we’re supposed to feel fat and fabulous. But I don’t. Maybe fat. Maybe fabulous in the way used in the queer community. But while my body has been kind with distribution, my joints are still mad!

And the mirror is only my friend if I’m not naked. And from certain angles.

But emotional eating got me so far and medication added another 60. I kept getting my emotional eating under control with copious amounts of Diet Coke. But I’m out. And the extra 60 were while homeless and barely able to afford to eat, so yeah. Medication is not an excuse it’s a reason.

Sugar was in the last month or so. And now it’s out. I want to lose weight and I want to avoid diabetes. But my brain is mad!

I’m hungry beyond belief because what it wants is easy sweets. The only thing I remember curbing that appetite was a shit tonne of protein. No idea why. But it’s still cranky pants time for the next five days (seven if it’s bad) and the insatiable need for food for 1-3 days depending on depth of succumbing to temptation. I don’t remember how long I’ll be foggy headed and it’s also a symptom of fibromyalgia. It was too long ago before developing it to remember and that’s because I hadn’t done this since 2014! I’m also going to be shaking and shivering a little but no more so than when I eat too much salt.

Food oriented shakes and shivers suck but I don’t have the experience to know how similar that is to hard drugs. So please, if sugar is this bad? Back off those trying to kick something severe.

It’s a good thing I live on my own!

It’s vital to kick sugar down a notch. Dr Lustig wrote, “Fat Chance” which gave me most of my understanding of that persnickety organ we need but hate.

It loves us, trying to do its job. Love it and lose it by being friends and drop the microwave diet food. They’re tasty but made by the same company that makes junk food. They don’t actually want you to lose weight.

I forgot where I read that, but read that label. Fat is where the flavor is (says the vegan). I think I learned that from Dr Perlmutters book, “Grain Brain.”

The knowledge of glycogen and exercise comes from Dr Rob Thompson.

I highly recommend those three books to cover all you need because this is not medical advice. More a warning that when you quit the sugar your appetite will spike and your mood will plummet. I mean sure, you thought you’d be a bit moody.

No. I mean fucking irritable as fuck for the adjustment duration. It’s not your imagination. Don’t get gaslighted out of the truth.

Kicking sugary foods to the curb is necessary, but initially sucks like all hell.

The good news is fruit will taste better and you will become much more sensitive to sweetness and thus enjoy different foods.

You might feel canned pasta is revolting, but the real stuff is delicious. Just keep it in moderation – which you can if you’re keeping the sugar low.

Dr. Lustig suggests nothing but occasional fruit and maybe, if you have to, desert once a week. It’s not ideal. Less to nothing would be better. But he eased up in his second book, “The Fat Chance Cookbook”.

And that’s it and why you might be tempted to ask if it’s that time of the month. (Not a myth, but doesn’t diminish the legitimacy of objections)

Sorry, my sugar-free sweet self will try to return, depending on if the dragon in me can take a nap. We’ll see if the reactive abuse lets up!

We can live in hope.

If you are so unlucky as to have someone screw with your subconscious for the “LOL”s – or maybe something like whining “I don’t want to live next to you because you’re mentally ill”

Thank you for audibly spying on me, building-mate I heard your voice trying to autofill my words and I’m done with all of you.

Of course I sound paranoid. I’m the target of a game of harassment and mutilation that is fatal. It does not stop if someone goes to the hospital- it follows you there.

That’s if you’re not there from an attempt. Which could be fatal.

Some will gleefully admit its to drive you to suicide. But most are going to use gamification of psychological torment based on what happened to me in Petaluma.

It’s gaslighting galore around here thanks to the world wide war of words. I don’t believe a word of any of it anymore. What isn’t a baiting attempt used out of context but based on my past – using an AI trained with my words. My writing my iteration after iteration.

So let me again remind you the United States Intelligence service have permission to use my full ongoing digital signature to stop them.

I give them discretionary permission to share what is needed with other intelligence services in allied countries.

Don’t fuck with dreams. They become nightmares.

Some are aware of the dangerous situation I’m in. Again being pushed and barbed and lied to and gaslighted – no need for baiting, she just wants my fury.

Because with my PTSD that means my death. I would rather die than feel this ever again and she knows it.

Only German has the right swear words.

But I discovered something interesting.

It’s not medical advice – though you may want to ask your doctor about it

If I use a small ice pack on the base of my skull where the amygdala is. I can calm down.

Someone suggested adding another to cool my neck.

By god it works.

I theorize slowing the blood reduces Iflammation and slows down stress hormones like cortisol.

I don’t actually know.

I just know it works.

Again, not medical advice. Just that it’s interesting.

To cool your temper, cool your amygdala.

Then distract yourself!

Everyone says to pick a book and stick to that.

Fuck that noise.

Sometimes you just can’t focus on the level. Be it refined, kinda there, well it’s written, hey I have these ideas and dialogue, hey I have this concept.

So you swap around at the level you can concentrate on.

That’s how I got fast.

That and 30+ years of hard work.

A good book involves a lot more than slinging sentences together.

Don’t forget what you learnt in high school English but go beyond it.

Good writing is difficult to do!

Without the extra padding of the story of how I figured this out.

Brush off anyone who says plot wasn’t at least difficult to learn.

Brush off the simplicity of the basis. Because even compelling true stories have it. And you might even think, “I could have told you that”

Could you have then please?

Maybe writing classes are better now. But I learnt the hard way.

Over and over, changes, ripping scenes in and out, my voice changes per book and I had to get used to that because that’s my meta voice.

God I wish someone had just pointed this out to me. I think I finally found its inspiration in a book about NaNoWriMo which I don’t participate in but learnt to appreciate.

Anything to solve “bum in chair” syndrome. (I forget which famous author that was, either Bruce Holland Rogers, or Stephen King)

You don’t get anywhere without guidance – even if it’s from other authors, indeed particularly from the good ones!

(Teel James Glenn pointed out fights hurt. I could then write a really good scene focusing on that element)

Delve into your characters – make a volcano one of your characters with a fiery personality (not sorry but should be).

Here we go

Each character wants

X

N

Gets in the way.

Character challenges, changes, somehow gets through N

Changed might get

X

But character might end up with

Y

Maybe they decide it’s better. Maybe they don’t

X fights N and get x or y

Repeat and complicate.

The depths of hell kind of rage? –

Your blood boils and every wound is ripped open and your anger reaches into the depths of hell and pulls dark energy up into a torrent of righteous fury. Not demonic, no. Something older and more primordial.

Fuck you, and not so kindly.

Practice using them.

Some are harder to remember if you are not around someone who uses them. Practice is difficult without context. But if enby is a new word for you at least practice using “they”. It’s better than misgendering someone. Then you can practice any specific ones.

I use a new set in my book – and make fun of those who don’t try. But I still struggle with ones I haven’t used or encountered.

Genderqueer characters, or those without any gender because why should they, and characters of an unknown gender usually have ae, aers, aer, aerself. Those I could easily adapt to and fly through using them in my fiction.

Sometimes books get categorized as “gay fiction” for a single gay character. This happened and was fought by a famous mainstream author who wanted people to find her books in her section of the bookstore. Which was either romance or urban fantasy, I can’t remember.

She both didn’t want to disappoint those looking for fiction focused on queer characters. And wanted to yank the existence of gay characters into the light.

No “well nothing indicates this, and I finished all the books but Dumbledor was gay”, Ms Rowling.

Once the book is out there the tweaking of the tale is a no go!

Sorry, writer spat.

The fight to include genderqueer characters is going to be interesting. And currently there are a lot of options for what to use. I just focused on the ones I found easiest for me. As I’m used to those who prefer “they”; because the new ones are yet to go mainstream. I hope to fix that. Provided my books make it into the spotlight.

Maybe if “mainstream” (if fantasy and science fiction count – which they should) authors use genderqueer pronouns we will better absorb the words into our culture and help be more inclusive.

Looking at you romance, fantasy, and sci-fi authors. You’re books are the most popular sections of any.

While I do have a character with no sex or gender – and I use those pronouns for aer, I object to the words being referred to as flat out being “without gender” because fuck you, genderqueer is a gender.

But that’s personal.

I also use them for when the gender isn’t specific or discernible – one hermaphroditic dragon likes them. I still think we need to consider our language carefully as agender is indeed on the wheel of the gender spectrum (Gender is a circle not a line), but we need to respect that a third one is forming.

People who feel that they don’t belong in either are starting to have their identity recognized. Let’s celebrate and note we are now recognizing and adding to our culture a label for the way people already felt – but younger folks questioning their gender have a “go to” for “neither of the other two* thank you.

*well more than that. But let’s start recognizing three and then move on to other specific genders that aren’t woman and man.

If someone likes pronouns that you are not familiar with, use them. I don’t care if they look like a woman but identify as a man, or they look like a man but you’re pretty sure their sex is not in the same narrow checkbox.

In California asking for pronouns was supposed to be with all people (well at least San Francisco) but it gets weird sometimes, and insulting.

When you introduce yourself please (if you feel safe) offer your preferred pronouns. If you feel safe being key.

It’s okay if you’re not comfortable with that, even the queer community sometimes has peer pressure. Go at your own pace and look into blogs.

As far as books go, my mother found “Intersex” a little boring. But I haven’t personally looked. I know some who liked it. And it’s likely that those born intersex gravitate towards a genderqueer identity – that’s not always the case

Yes people are born with both parts or they aren’t there, or they’re in a different spot. They have support groups btw if you’ve grown up without that option.

Genderqueer is another option whether you were born with male or female body parts (or both). Or you hit puberty and grow breasts because your hormones neglected to tell you that you were XXY

Which can result in never finding out, or puberty changes more than usual.

Sorry side quest.

Anyway.

To shorten a long post (too late)*

*thank you the movie “Clue”. Now if you want to hear a nice voice Tim Curry and Alan Rickman. Oh my god.

Again, anyway. Use the preferred pronouns. Who cares if they’re new, and of course they’re “made up” all language is. Practice if you can. Just don’t be an ass.

There’s a bumper sticker.

Don’t be an ass.

Without going into any personal fantasies. I have been a service dom in the past. I’m switch enough I suppose…

I was taught a lot by my favorite cafe in San Francisco, wicked grounds. A kink cafe that was also considered a queer safe space. (That’s what it’s called for those not in the queer community. Please don’t presume to speak for us)

It was fabulous, of course. They might have been the reason my wedding – with my ombré hair down and wild with curls, and my ex spouse in an outfit that was fittingly gender neutral. Dressy, but green and gold and not a dress. I found the pattern admittedly. But it was made by a friend. I forget if a visit to Britex was involved. (A five story house sized fabric store) So my wedding was fabulous too.

I’m used to having a safe space to discuss ideas, being different, and respectful disagreement. So if I have a wild statement it might be listened to and refined. Or disagreement anything but personal.

Clear and open communication is the basis of safe and satisfying kink. I suspect those opposed to my privacy don’t understand that idea. So aftercare might be an entirely new concept.

Couples, threesomes, whatever, often play with kink without ever coming across the idea and practice. It can damage a relationship to forget aftercare.

So what is it?

When red light has been announced, play time is over and the sub gets extra special attention – specifically from the dom. No sub to sub cuddling unless the dom is cuddling too.

Gentleness and an offer of tea help. But the cuddling is ESSENTIAL.

Have I got your attention yet?

Without aftercare part of our psyche feels abused. We may have been into the idea and interested in you. But cuddling and kindness have to follow. Usually before sex. But not always.

Now some both need to collapse in an exhausted heap. I’m not one for immediate post coital anything – particularly not pillow talk. If we’re too hot to touch each other we’re too hot to talk.

But after you both accidentally fall asleep. Cuddling ensues. Warmth, kindness, and tenderness from the dom are essential. Even if it is such a rare sight the intimacy is intoxicating.

Tough as nails you might be. Soft and sweet after a session with a whip are essential.

Sometimes, if it’s good, the sub cries. I never went into kink that deeply. But I certainly read a book on the subject.

Oh yes, beyond rope guides are sub and dom guides. The kink community in San Francisco looked after each other.

Tears or no, aftercare is basically comforting the sub. Light play requires it too. Kink is pointless if your walls aren’t dropping for both of you. And conversation may indeed follow. But it’s close and again, intimate.

You need trust and to clearly communicate with each other first.

Plan your play.

It’s still exciting, I promise you. But remember it’s supposed to be play. Some sessions get really intense (from what I’m told) but it’s still play.

It’s not sex.

You might have sex after.

But people go to professional doms for a reason. And yes there’s after care but it’s not sex. It’s not cheating and it’s not prostitution. Are we clear?

Speaking from the conversation I had with a real dom. A lot of people were interested in “topping” me. But we didn’t have the connection I wanted. So no.

Consent matters

And for the sake of the gods (a saying that avoids blasphemy and makes pagans feel included) do not forget.

Aftercare matters.

Read a book or two on the subject and the position you plan. They’ll probably go into it better than this post.